The Village

Exams are finally over and students far and wide are blanketting downtown to consume excessive quantities of Boozahol! Oh yes... Not that I drink or club much, but I like to watch other people get drunk.

I got a rather odd invitation last night, though. I was watching American Idol last night, a show I hate, but I wanted to see them boot off that dorky red-headed guy(take that Glen!)! During this time I got a phone call and asked about the details of a clubbing excursion the following night. I said, "Sounds like fun! Where is this club?" She quickly answers, "The village."

I thought nothing of it at the time. I repeated the word village a few times, my mind was focused on other things. Then I went to bed and when I woke up I knew something was wrong. As I often do, I indulged in internal monologue to get to the bottom of what was troubling me.

Me: So... we're going clubbing tonight?
Myself: Yeah... Should be fun... Where did she say that club was again?
Me: The village...
Myself: What... village?
and I: She meant the gay village idiots!!!
Me: *staring blankly* You mean.. happy village?
and I: You know... gay! Homosexual.
Me: *still staring blankly*
and I: Chi Chi man Village!!!
Me: Chi... Chi... man? AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
Myself: Nice job, Bumblenuts, you just agreed to go to a gay club.

Anyway, obviously I wasn't having any of that. The next day I politely declined the invitation. "Woman! Are you mad??? What the eff do you expect me to do at a gay effing bar?"

"But the musics good and guys don't hit on me as much, don't worry, you're not that good looking, you won't get hit on(that was a dirty shot by the way, Cris!)!! and blablablablabla!" I refused. I'm not a big clubber to begin with, but isn't the point to socialize with potential dates? Throughout the course of the day the word, homophobe came up a few times.

Now I'm many things, but not a homophobe! I prefer to think of myself as... non-homophillic. I'm very nice to gay people. When I see a gay person I give him a stern nod.... No smiling... Just in case. Is it so wrong to refuse an invitation to a gay bar if you're not gay? Imagine the awkardness of being hit on by a guy?

Gayman #1 "You lookin' mighty fine in them there jeans, boy!!!!"
What am I supposed to say to that? "Thank you sir. Your advances are flattering but I'm not gay!"
Gayman #2 "You have really pretty eyes."
Me: "Thank you... I get them from my mother... But... as I told the man with his hand in your pocket, I'm not gay!"

I'm sorry if I sound like an ignorant bigot... I don't mean to offend but...No. Just... No...

"I can't believe you peed on that thing!"

Friday night was the Expos home opener and I spent it with the old High School gang, sometimes referred to as Alpha Posse. Though some were missing in action, those who did show were in character to say the least! Kenny and Norm Chu busted out a palm pilot AND a laptop during the baseball game. Macho Man impersonations from Justin and I, and general tomfoolery from Vrej and his engineering peeps.

But the true test of character came at McDonald's whereby we faced our biggest dilemma of the evening. After eating mcD's and drinking mcD's we needed to piss out said McD's. However, not only was the stall to the toilet locked from the inside, but there was a plastic bag of hot caramel in the urinal!! Is that what happens when Ronald McDonald has to relieve himself? He pisses delicious caramel?

We each dealt with the obstacle in our own way. While Rezaul and I wisely decided to hold it in, despite my begging, Justin relieved himself right on the bag of caramel, then returned to recount the story of the urine hitting the bag, splashing back... etc....

Vrej was in the bathroom for quite some time. Our imaginations conjured disturbing images of him feasting on the sweet, sweet caramel, right out of the urinal. It turns out, he spent about ten minutes bashing the stall and then finally opening it with a credit card. I think Vrej has a James Bond complex. He likes... sneaking! I'll never forget when he hid behind a wall to get a picture of the elusive Brent Spiner. And failed...

Joe went to the bathroom after Vrej had liberated the stall, but he decided to piss on the bag of caramel anyway, just so he could fine tune Justin's observations on the fluid dynamics of urine. His pedantic description was far more disturbing than Justin's. But probably accurate!

I believe Justin's question summed up the night best, "Will we be 50 year old men, hanging out at McDonald's insulting each other's moms?" Joe replied something to the effect that we would be telling each other the same insults, maybe switching the word mom for wife... and maybe meaning what we said!

Is it wrong to have fun hanging out of McDonald's and peeing on caramel? If so, then I don't want to be right. If at 50 we'll be married, high paid professionals having fun, then so be it! My sincerest apologies to whoever had to dispose of the urine soaked bag of caramel.

Greatest Goat of All Time

I was supposed to be studying last night, so naturally I started listenning to hours and hours of music late into the night. I came across an old LL Cool J song and recalled that it was from an album that he entitled the G.O.A.T. This stands for Greatest Of All Time. I have two problems with this. 1) Greatest what of all time? It's so veg and broad. 2) The name invariably conjures up the image of a goat. Goat's are not cool or bad ass.

I can just picture LL going around with people calling him Goat. "Goat, could you pass the salt?" Or, "Yo, the Goat, your rent is due motha f**ka!!!"

At first I wondered why anyone would want to be associated with such a non-assuming animal. But I started feeling it after a while. Goats eat stuff. Are you tough enough to eat a tin can? Well, if cartoons have tought me anything, it's that goats eat tin cans. Also, when you call goats, Billy Goats.... I don't know... That seems kind of tough. Does anyone remember that fable, The Billy Goats Gruff?

See, there's this Troll, Troll's being a big problem in those days. And the Troll lives under a bridge, bridges being the most affordable real-estate at the time (let's say... 1920's). Anyway, so this tiny little goat crosses the bridge. It's all cute with long eyelashes and blue eyes. And the Troll goes, "AHA! I will eat you goat!" But the small goat says, "Hey, don't eat me! My brother's coming up behind me and he's MUCH bigger than me. I'm barely an appetizer!"

So the Troll runs a pensive hand through his dreadlocks and says, "Your treachery to your kin puzzles me. Nevertheless, I will hold out for the bigger goat." And he lets the small goat pass.

So another goat, slightly bigger comes by. The exchange between him and the Troll proceeds in much the same way. "Goat, I shall eat you!" the Troll says and the goat replies, "YO, my bro is coming and he's bigger and jucier and... woah! You'd be barbecuing goat for days man!"

So the Troll says, "Sweet... You may pass, medium-small sized goat. I'm waiting for the big payoff!" And this repeats itself for several goats (3-8 goats, I can't remember). So the Troll is waiting for a big goat to come. Probably crossing his fingers, "Gee, I hope this next goat promises me a larger goat."

So the ground starts trembling. The water under the bridge is making concentric circles from the shockwaves of goat steps, like the T-Rex in Jurassic Park. And the Troll is so stupid and greedy he just licks his lips and says, "Oh man, this is going to be the biggest goat ever! I'm so hungry."

And this huge goat, slavering and snarling comes to the bridge. The thing must have been on steroids or something, it's like, 3 times the size of the Troll with big demonic horns reminiscent of Beelzebub's and fangs. The thing had blood in its fur. The Troll points a finger at the goat and says, "Goat! I shall eat...." then realizing his foolishness cries, "Holy s**t!!!!" Without warning. The the huge goat like... violates the troll and throws the bisected carcass in the water!

So the huge goat gets to his brothers when one of the intermediate sized goats asks, "Where are we going anyway?" And the biggest goat says, "I don't know... I was just following you!"

Anyway, my point is, LL Cool J's nickname is cool, if and only if, he associates himself with the goat from that story. Nuff said!

Delirious Dan

This Black Log post is the result of pure procrastination. I logged onto MSN, a student's first and last resource for putting off studying, and I decided to talk to my buddy Dan.

Dan's "at work". He finished school long ago so this semester he didn't have the stress of exams or projects. So he's just chilling since January. Parties of both the Lan variety and drinking variety. And God forbid I say I have studying to do!!! I'm dirt if I politely decline, "Sorry Dan. I have a really hard exam coming up!!!".Dan goes nuts on me. It's as if he has forgotten all about the hardships of exams.

I can't wait until I'm finished exams like Dan. He's so much happier and laid back. Any idea seems exciting to him. Going to a bar... going to a dep... Eating lunch in the hallway instead of the kitchen. It's all good to Dan. He's good people!

Today on MSN I mentionned the idea of a communal blog where everyone can put in there two cents. Seconds later he had set it up and asked for email adresses of anyone who might be interested in having an account to this communal blog. He was just so excited! About a blog!!!

I miss being excited about stuff... School has broken me. Just a few more exams though and I'll be Danning it up like an electrified Dan machine!!! But as he just pointed out, I should probably study for the exam I have in a few hours

Jedi Bums

So I run into my fairy-god sister, Mel. Upon hearing that droopy and I were going to have junk food, she generously offered me some coupons so we could save a few bucks. Droopy shows up at the paramount (late of course!) and we had a long discussion on what was the cheapest way to eat that night.

Droopy: "You can get a burger and a fry for 2$ at burger king!"
Me: "What about the drink?"
Droopy: "Well I brought a drink!"
Me: "I was going to bring a drink!"
Droopy: "There are water fountains everywhere! You don't need to buy a drink!"

It all seems pretty ghetto in retrospect. Coupons and drinks from home... All this to save a few cents on a 4$ meal! But here's the punchline. Before entering Burger King, this bum comes up to us and snarls, "Can I have 20$ for a steak?" I could only stare in shock. "I don't eat that s**t!" he declared gesturing to Burger King.

I was pretty confused. Is this guy some psychological genius? Does this bum actually have a strategy for mentally tricking people into giving him money by shocking me with his brazen rudeness? Was he joking? I couldn't figure it out. It was like a Jedi mind trick. For a split second, I think I wanted to give him the money. "Yes... I should give you 20$ to eat a steak. I'll go have a 1$ hamburger at Burger King."

And that's not the first time I can remember being shocked at the rudeness of a vagrant. I remember another time with Mel, we gave the remainder of our pizza to a particularly wretched, filthy bum. Did he say thank you? No, he growled that there was less than half a pizza in the box! How does that help this guy? Does he expect me to say, "Mmm... You're right... You deserve more pizza. I'll go fetch some for you."

I think all Concordia students know the Concordia Bum. The guy who tries to mug you with a banana, "Drop it like its hot, baby!" he declares. Or he'll say, "Stop playin' with yo Willy!!" Are these good begging techniques? What do they gain besides some mention in my Black Log?

I want to do an experiment one day. I'm going to go on a street corner and just try different ways of asking for money, just to see what works. I won't even wear bummy clothes. I'll wear a suit and tie. And as people pass buy I'll try different Jedi Bum Tricks.

"Hello sir... You want to give me money..."
"Are you going to eat there? That's disgusting... I want to eat lobster... And I want YOU to pay for it."
"Money is the root of all evil! Give me your earthly posessions and free yourself from sin my brother!"
"Can I please have a lot of money?"
"15 bucks, little man, put that s**t, in my hand, if that money doesn't show then you owe me, owe me owe!"

Then I would join the Conclave of Concordia Bums that seem to gather on Saturdays. We'd pool our hard earned cash together, buy a big-ass bottle of alcohol, and pass it around. Then we'd all disperse, drunk off our asses, to give the gift of drunken ramblings to the world. That's the life for me. We ride together, we die together... Jedi Bums for life!

Did anyone see the Apprentice last night? Pretty good show. I think when it came down to the last four people the choices were getting pretty random.

My biggest concern is Donald Trump's waxing ego. He says: "You both sacrificed alot to work for the Donald!" It's 'The Donald now'??? I don't care if he's a zillionaire, that lacks creed my friends! But a sure sign that someone's ego is going out of control, is when they decide to build a big ass tower in the middle of a city. For those of you who don't know, that's what the 'winner' of the apprentice gets to indulge in. As 'the Donald's' newest minion, Bill gets to oversee the construction of a big tower that will be filled with CONDOMiniums and... whatever...

It's the oldest story in the book! The tower of Babel, the pyramids... umm... other big towers... When men of power really want to leave an impression, they build large towers to pay omage to their egos... And of course their wangs. There is no phallic symbol more poignant, than a big tower. And you should have heard him talking about this tower:

"I will erect this tower in the city of Chicago, from which it will protrude like an aroused porn star's member. I will call this monolith, Donald's Boner! When the sun rises in the East, it will cast a long shadow over the entire western hemisphere. When it sets in the west, it will shroud the eastern hemisphere in darkness. Terrorists will plot day and night on how many planes it will take to collapse it. I will use it to make sweet love to Mother Nature. When God looks up from the heavens he'll cry, 'No! Trump's phallus has punctured the heaven's and climbs ever upward to the source of creation! Damn you Trump!!!!'"

Okay, so I may have exaggerated some of it... And I guess we all need to stroke our egos every once and a while. How do I pay homage to my ego? The Black Log of course.

So I went to this comedy show on Sunday. It was pretty funny. There was this white guy with the strongest Trinidadian accent I've ever heard, and big Jar Jar Binks ears. Except less floppy and more... werewolf like. Anyway, he had the most fascinating perspectives on Jamaican dialect. He noticed that the Jamaican word for gaylord changed from Batti man to Chi chi man. Long ago he discovered that Batti was the Jamaican word for Ass, thus a gay man was an Assman... But what was this "Chi Chi"??? After a long rant he finally revealed that Chi Chi is the word Jamaican's use for termite. Thus, a gayman is like a termite, because they both eat wood.

Badda Bing!

Speaking of termites, I have an exam on insect behaviour this friday. Stressful stuff. Did you know that termites are monogamous? After a male breeder termite and a female breeder termite mate, they start a colony. The queen gets big and fat, after which she lays eggs until she dies. The male termite, now known as the King, simply hangs around the queen. When the Queen needs a fix (a sexual fix... teehee), she releases a hormone, the king gets laid and then goes about his business once again. Aside from having sex with the very hot and bloated termite Queen, the king exists simply to be fed by worker termites and protected by the soldiers. Apparently the only reason for this evolutionary relationship is because it would be too impractical for the queen to store large amounts of sperm for the many, many eggs she will lay. So the King is simply a mobile sperm delivery system. Pretty sweet life if you ask me. I wish I was a termite :-( Aside from the whole... wood eating...

Today I did something I usually don't do. I watched SNL. I guess Janet Jackson's campaign of... You know... Exposing her nipple worked on me! SNL comes on way passed my bed time. But it was pretty funny. There was a great sketch about "cork soakers". And who would believe Janet Jackson is like 41 years old?? I used to be totally against plastic surgery. But now that they tend to call it cosmetic surgery, it doesn't seem so bad. I guess plastic surgery conjures the image of terrifying plastic cyborgs, though said cyborgs had perky plastic cyborg bosoms!

There was another funny sketch where Bush supposedly doodled "I heart Condo Lisa" on the Terrorist report. Ever notice how when the White House has to defend their position on something, they send someone who's not stupid as opposed to Bush? Either Colon Power and now Condom Lisa (teehee, I'm so clever). But when it comes time to getting props, Bush gets behind some podium and starts rambling on like Boomhauer from King of the Hill. "Hey man, themtheredangoldBinSadaam man WMD'sDang old God Bless America man!"

Black Log complete.

Black Log Day 1

sigh...

I've spent the last few months complaining about blogs. What kind of self-indulgent crap is this anyway? People just post random thoughts and anecdotes online??? It's offensive to me...

Or is it?

My hatred for this medium has become a fevered obsession. The sleepless nights, the heated arguments, the countless bricks hurled at Vrej's house.... The line has to be drawn here! This far and no further! So my solution... Make a blog of my own! Does that make any sense? When you think about it, I mean really think hard... No it doesn't...

But, don't listen to anyone who says, "Oh, Chris is just making a blog now cuz everyone has one! He's jealous and wants attention!" Look, I was the one who invented the Blog back in 1970's. That's right. I invented the blog before the internet was created AND before I was born! The Blog was truly a thing of beauty back then. It stood for BLack LOG and provided people with an opportunity to communicate with their friendly neighborhood black people. Ie "YO! Janet Jackson. Sorry everyone was horrified by the site of your breast!" or "Yo, Michael Jackson, you are henceforth forbidden to use Black LOG!" So, I took a break from the world of Black Logs because they became overused, and contrived.

But now, I will make my triumphant return to blogs. The time is right. The internet is saturated with everyone and their mammas trying to post incoherent narratives of their mundane experiences online. So I will add another drop to an overflowing bucket of inane rants and narcissism. And you'll like it, damn it!

Besides, it's a turning point in my life. Soon, MastaCSG will study towards his Masta's degree. I'll be Msc. MastaCSG. Hopefully. I was going to sell the rights of my life story to Warner Brothers, but decided my life story is best expressed as a blog, rather than a feature length motion picture. Oh, the wondrous things I'll do in labs and the colorful characters I'll meet! And all these wonders will be shunted to the internet, that YOU the reader may benefit from my vast, vast VAST array of diverse experiences...

...vast... And biased!!!

And that, ladies and gentleman, is my lackluster first step into the world of Black Logs... I hope you enjoyed it. Cuz this blog ain't free! You have just been billed!!