Wednesday, October 27, 2004

un-Gifted

You know what's cool? This new X-men Legends game. I got home really late on saturday, after having aquired the video game from a friend, that evening, I after went to a lounge called dulce. Anyway, the point is, I only got home at about 5am, and thought about playing the game all night. Finally I woke up at about 10 am, and just played and played and played.... My sister joined me for a few bouts.

Then my mom said, "Chris, seeing as you've been playing that for four hours... Could you help me set the table?"

I thought to myself, "4 hours? That's ridiculous. I ain't settin' s**t!!! Get one of my knavish sisters to set the damn..." A quick gland at the clock revealed that I had probably already passed the five hour mark. Oh my... Ridiculous indeed. The next day at work I got the most severe migraine I ever had in my life. I thought I would die. I wonder if it's from playing 5 hours of video games? Furthermore, I think playing hours of video games actually makes me stupid.

I do love that game though. And I love the X-men in general. I think all guys have a favourite X-man, no? For me it's a toss up between Nightcrawler and Gambit. Don't front like you don't have a favourite X-man! I was talking to someone who thought she could hide her HEART for the X-men. When asked who her favourite was she replied, "That guy with the ice powers... And Ian McKellen."

You're not fooling anyone by pretending not to know their names! Once you know their powers, you know their names! Ice powers = Iceman. Magnet Powers = Magneto. But what's really cool about X-men, is they don't say that the guys have super powers. They call them "gifts". I think that makes the whole franchise seem real. More real than real life actually! X-men means more to me than school, religion and family. I hope one day I can join the X-men for real! When I was young I really wanted to be a Ghostbuster but I guess I've matured since then.

One time, Wolverine fell in love with this woman who tried to kill him, then he had to kill her father! That really hapenned! And another time, professor X's brother tried to kill him and he had to wear this helmet so professor X couldn't control his mind. I wish I had gifts... Like, super-power gifts, to make things float and shoot electricity out of my eyes and stuff. And I wish I could teleport like Nightcrawler. Those would be awesome gifts.

Ahem.... On another note, I think I just ate the last of the candy that was to be for the tricker treaters. What will I tell them when they come to the door in their little X-men costumes?

Kids: "Can we have some candy?"
Me: "I done, already ate that s**t! And had some of yo mama's candy too... In bed!! Better luck next year, sucker!!"

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Masta's Pastapiece

So, I had a little free time on my hands and decided to pay homage to my favourite meat, the meat of the Gods, yes... I was going to do something with bacon. But what manner could I best honor porc? Usually I just slap some bacon in a pan and fry it up. A conversation I had with a colleague of mine came to mind. He gave me a veg description of how to make linguini carbonara. Using, milk, shallottes (spp?) and yes... bacon.

So, I took a knife to four slices of bacon, and cut a few fingers in the process. I fried up the bacon in a pan. The pasta was already cooked. The hard part would be the sauce. Normally to make a creamy sauce you would need cream but alas I had none. So it seemed to me that if I added flour to the milk, said milk would congeal creating the desired cream sauce for my bacon. So, I poured a non-specific volume of milk in a bowl and added 'some' amount of flour and stirred. Then I poured that over the bacon bits and lard and let it fry. Oil splashed on me, and I recoiled in horror like a little girl who has just seen a spider. "Oooh, that sumbitch is congealing quite fast!" I added more milk.

Still missing something.... I looked through the fridge, found a clove of garlic. Using the garlic press, I ground up some garlic into the sauce.... Stirred it up... It looked good, and it seemed to be keeping the Vampires at bay. Despite that... Not such a great experience. The kitchen was surprisingly messy from something that simple. garlic press, milk splashed here and there... flour everywhere... Dirty pans. I can't wait for mom to come home. "What hapenned in here? CHRIS!!!!! YOU'VE GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DO!!!!!!" She won't be too happy. Especially after last week's disaster with the frying pan and the smoke detector and the burning!!! So many traumatic memories. I have no business in a kitchen.

Anyway, my pastapiece was complete. I took a forkfull... Meh... Not too awful, but not nearly as savory as I would have expected. The worst part is, it gave me some insane indigestion. I can't stop hicupping, even now. It's really bad. It's like there's this huge air pocket in my esophagus and it won't go away. I'm afraid to induce a belch for the sheer force of my hiccups would invert my lungs.

Oh well, I had best go tidy up a bit and peruse the cupboard for a tea that could cure these crazy hiccups. Perhaps some Earl Gray... Just like Captain Picard!

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Roti

People often ask me, "Chris Gregg, what's your favourite food?" Depending on what mood I'm in, I might answer different things, but Goddamn, do I love a good roti.

What's roti? It's a marvellous thing actually. Curried chicken (or shrimp or beef), with chick peas and potatoes all wrapped in a heavenly crepe-like thing. Roti has a 50% curry content, and that's per volume!!! Add a little hot-sauce to that and badda-bing badda ban, you have MastaCSG's favourite food.

So on the way home last night, I saw a restaurant that sells roti. I decided to check out the price. 6$ is a little steep for a roti. Or is it? They gave me a rather heavy bag which I brought with me on the bus with the intents of eating it at home. When I arrived at the bus terminus, I openned up the bag.... This roti was huge! It was like, the size of my head. I couldn't resist unwrapping it. I took a huge bite out of the thing and was already full. It was like eating Lembas bread!

I got home and forced my self to finish it. I took my last bite and emit a vicotorious groan, rubbing my aching stomach. Severe drowsiness overcame me... I staggered to bed at 8pm intending to take a nap.... I woke up the next morning at 7am... Now that is a good roti.

Where my dawgs at? We go get roti soon, yes???

Monday, October 11, 2004

Lab Tales - Part 1

The first few weeks of Master's program, the issue of safety came up a few times. In fact I was forced to go to a safety seminar! In one way, I hate safety seminars, because they're absolutlely pointless. They spend 3 hours telling you, "Be careful! Especially when you're tired!" The video's themselves are just plain hilarious. You get to see a montage of cartoon-like accidents happening in the lab. The directing is to thank. One scene in particular where you see some clown wearing shorts, sandals and a lab coat comes to mind. The camera starts at his exposed toes and then moves up to the fool handling some large unwieldy glass pane. He drops it and all you hear is shattering glass, leaving your imagination to conjure images of jagged shards severing his toes. Then you get quick shots of people accidently stabbing themselves with needles, spilling acid etc... I felt bad, but after a while I couldn't hold it in and exploded into laughter.

My supervisor, as always, had some hilarious stories (which he probably didn't intend to be hilarious) of people getting hurt in labs he worked at back in Europe. One time he walked into the lab, and as he openned the door to say hello, a heavy metal stand fell on some girls neck. Or another time, a brilliant scientist he knew, put something he shouldn't have in an autoclave(a machine that sterilizes things at very high pressure and temperature). A huge explosion ensued and everyone just turned to look at the man who was using it. He continued smoking his cigar as if nothing hapenned. "What???"

But the most unlikely story he told, was about a centrifuge (see last post). As everyone knows, RULE #1 of centrifuges is they have to be balanced carefully or they could concievably send your sample flying out of the machine and through your head!!! For this story, my supervisor became very serious. He said that one time, the samples were loaded into the machine unevenly such that when it turned on, the rotor actually rose out of the centrifuge and began spinning out of control across the floor like some deadly top. The way he described it, he and two other guys he knew were running away from this crazy thing as it left a wake of devastation in the centrifuge room. I imagined them in one of those long hallways with dozens of doors on either side



and the rotor spinning after them.

I did learn one important thing though. This SDS stuff that I've been using without a mask for the past two years, should ALWAYS be used with a mask. Sorry lungs! Another fun factoid... The way bottles are labelled in our lab, anyone could come in and drink toxic stuff, feign ignorance and sue the pants off of whoever is responsible for their violent illness!!!

"What's chloroform? " guzzle guzzle guzzle

I wouldn't recommend trying it though.... that means you Vrej!

P.S.
Here's a sad story... I've been sitting in the lab alone typing this post for so long, that the lights just turned off because they weren't detecting any movement. That's sad and scary. Happy Thanksgiving to me... :-(

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Can't get no respect...

Unfortunately in the lab, we have a new centrifuge machine. What's a centrifuge? you may be asking. A centrifuge is like a big washing machine. It has a rotor inside of it, where you place tubes for purposes of spinning them at ridiculously high speeds. Why would you want to spin stuff at ridiculous speeds? You might be wondering. Cuz scientists do stuff like that for purposes of purifying samples of... things... In our case we purify parts of yeast cells. Here's a picture of one!



So, what do I hate about our new centrifuge? Many things, but mainly, I hate that one of the rotors always gets stuck in the machine. And then I have to go tell the professor that it's stuck and he would come and pull it out. So it hapenned again this week. Bahira hapenned to be there, getting ice in the adjacent room. She implied that I wasn't strong enough to pull it out myself! Actually maybe she didn't really have to say anything. I felt weak. I mean, is my supervisor really stronger than me? So I began feebly pulling at the rotor... It wouldn't come out... During my mad tugging I think Bahira left, and I went defeated to inform the professor of the stuck rotor. After explaining that it was stuck he said, "That's okay... I suppose removing it would require force that you are... uncomfortable in applying...."

WOAH!!!!!! What's even worse than the fact that he thinks I'm weak, is the fact that he pitied me so much, he had to be tactful about it. Uncomfortable in applying? Just say you think I'm too scrawny to pull the damn thing out!!! So I started making excuses, "I think it gets frozen, cuz we spin it at 4 degrees! So by the time you get there, it's warmer, and you can pull it out!" Professor: "Whatever, I'll pull it out later!"

Now just cuz I'm skinny, doesn't mean I'm weak. Anyone can tell you! MastaCSG is the most underestimated muscle man this side of south central! These guns are capable of great things. In a rage, I ran to the centrifuge room, where another colleague from the lab was working with a smaller centrifuge. I started pulling at the rotor again. She laughed. "Dr. Titorenko is strong!" she said with a laugh, and then left, me still pulling at the rotor.

Finally, indignation overcame me, and with one mighty tug, I ripped the rotor out of the centrifuge and held it in the air like Excalibur!!!! That's right!!! REPRESENT!

I went back to tell the professor. What does he say? "Oh, see, EVEN YOU can pull the rotor out! Well, I didn't mean to say even you... I meant... you can pull the rotor out..."

:-(

Can't get no respect...

On a sadder note, Rodney Dangerfield passed away. He's one of those celebrities I'll miss knowing was around. Oh well...

Friday, October 01, 2004

I, Masta

So, one of the oddest things about starting a master's degree, is that I have to be a teacher's assistant. I gave a list of choices of classes I would like to be a TA for. Somewhere at the bottom of that list was the Genetics class. I like genetics and everything, but I knew it would be the most work. I have to quiz the students every week, and give them an assignment question. Then we have a two hour problem solving session, where they solve problems in groups and ask me questions.

So far so good, but last thursday I wasn't very well prepared. I haven't taken this class in a few years and definately don't remember it very well. So, what to do, when you know nothing and the students think you know something? I could only smile and nod to so many questions during the 4 hours I had to TA. I drew on the knowledge of previous TA's I've had in the past. There are a vast, vast store of responses that divert attention from one's ignorance.

But it occured to me that only 3 maximum 4 responses are necessary. As such, I predict that in the near future, human TA's will no longer be necessary. All students will need is a tape recorder that loops those three responses over and over again. I figure for a more personal feeling, a paper plate with a picture of my face could be propped against this tape recorder, so the students will still feel like they're interacting with something. I can imagine what such an exchange would be like.

Student: "Ummm... Sir? How do you solve question #18?"
Greggbot: "How do you think you solve it?"
Student: "I don't know, that's why I'm asking you!"
Greggbot: "You should solve it on your own!"
Student: "I can't! I'm lost!"
Greggbot: "I'm Chris Gregg, the TA! Good luck on your exam!"
Student: "What??? I need help with this problem!!!"
Greggbot: "How do you think you solve it?"
Student: "Shut up!!! I hate you Greggbot I hate you!!!!"
Greggbot: "You should solve it on your own..."

I could only hope that such a sophisticated mechanation would not become self aware and take over the world. Could you imagine an army of self aware Greggbots? What if they evolved to actually help students? TA's like me would become obsolete!!!! I can just see Greggbot, filthy rich, lying in bed with my wife, my money... my life!!!! I HATE YOU GREGGBOT!!!

Technology is like a double edged sword. But you know what's more like a two-edged sword? One of those blade thingies with two edges... I think they're called super knives.