Masta's Pastapiece

So, I had a little free time on my hands and decided to pay homage to my favourite meat, the meat of the Gods, yes... I was going to do something with bacon. But what manner could I best honor porc? Usually I just slap some bacon in a pan and fry it up. A conversation I had with a colleague of mine came to mind. He gave me a veg description of how to make linguini carbonara. Using, milk, shallottes (spp?) and yes... bacon.

So, I took a knife to four slices of bacon, and cut a few fingers in the process. I fried up the bacon in a pan. The pasta was already cooked. The hard part would be the sauce. Normally to make a creamy sauce you would need cream but alas I had none. So it seemed to me that if I added flour to the milk, said milk would congeal creating the desired cream sauce for my bacon. So, I poured a non-specific volume of milk in a bowl and added 'some' amount of flour and stirred. Then I poured that over the bacon bits and lard and let it fry. Oil splashed on me, and I recoiled in horror like a little girl who has just seen a spider. "Oooh, that sumbitch is congealing quite fast!" I added more milk.

Still missing something.... I looked through the fridge, found a clove of garlic. Using the garlic press, I ground up some garlic into the sauce.... Stirred it up... It looked good, and it seemed to be keeping the Vampires at bay. Despite that... Not such a great experience. The kitchen was surprisingly messy from something that simple. garlic press, milk splashed here and there... flour everywhere... Dirty pans. I can't wait for mom to come home. "What hapenned in here? CHRIS!!!!! YOU'VE GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DO!!!!!!" She won't be too happy. Especially after last week's disaster with the frying pan and the smoke detector and the burning!!! So many traumatic memories. I have no business in a kitchen.

Anyway, my pastapiece was complete. I took a forkfull... Meh... Not too awful, but not nearly as savory as I would have expected. The worst part is, it gave me some insane indigestion. I can't stop hicupping, even now. It's really bad. It's like there's this huge air pocket in my esophagus and it won't go away. I'm afraid to induce a belch for the sheer force of my hiccups would invert my lungs.

Oh well, I had best go tidy up a bit and peruse the cupboard for a tea that could cure these crazy hiccups. Perhaps some Earl Gray... Just like Captain Picard!