Tuesday, January 29, 2008

A Bachelor's Life

I think it's been about two year's since I've been living on my own. I must say it's been pretty sweet so far. Oh the joy's of being a swinging bachelor.

I remember what it was like living with family. When I would go to the kitchen to have some cookies, I would have to be considerate of others and have 3 or maximum four. Since moving out on my own, there is no limit. I open up the bag and eat those bad boys right out of the package. Recently, I've even decided that it's extremely cool to put a layer of vanilla icing on Chips Ahoy, before eating them... and sometimes after. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and have potatoe chips, chips ahoy with icing and milk. And like most bachelor's I realize there's nothing wrong with having eggs and toast for supper. And if dinner comes out of a can every once in a while, it may be ghetto, but it normally saves me the trouble of cooking. I mean, who am I trying to impress? The goal is to maximize eating time, and minimize the time I spend being productive.

Of course, being a bachelor isn't all cookies and cream. I have to clean things on occasion. Oh that dreaded day when I realize I'm down to my last pair of underwear. On rare occasions it will mean that I will go and buy more underwear. But more often, it actually means I will have to do laundry. Of course I do it in a stupid man way, dumping colors and whites all into the same batch. What do I look like? Someone who's not lazy? I'm convinced that the whole concept of seperating your laundry was invented by racists. The technique has served me well thus far except on one occasion when I really decided to push it and put in some burgundy bath mats with my whites. That was easily one of the stupidest things I've ever done in my life, and this coming from someone who has mixed coca-cola and milk! Yes, living on my own means I can mix that which I have been told is unmixable, since I was a kid. Whites and colors! Coke and Milk! Nuts and Gum! Grapefruit and Cheese! The sky's the limit!

Ah yes, wandering around my "crib" (I often call my apartment my "crib") wearing little more than a housecoat, slippers, jogging pants, a t-shirt and that sweater thing that's so comfortable, singing whatever song comes to mind. There are no parents around, so I don't have to watch myself when I'm gettting really into a rap song. I rap the curse words too! Whatever is base and derogatory is not only acceptable but almost required at that point.

I'm the king of the land

I eat dinner that's been canned!

And if you don't like it!

I don't give a (Look around to make sure no one is watching).... DAMN!!!

I watch whatever i want on tv. You know what that means... You know... when it's late at night? 10pm? That's right, Sabrina the Teenage Witch on YTV. No one around to judge me. Or I could pop in a dvd from my vast, vast VAST collection of cartoons. vast...

It occurs to me that this bachelor life of mine is something akin to Peter Pan and the Lost boys. All of this freedom and the most rebellious thing I do is watch an episode of star trek at 3am... and usually fall asleep. Or photoshop my face into the poster for A Bug's life.

I hope you've enjoyed this glimpse into the life of MastaCSG. For some of you it may have been frightenning, for others it may become something for you to strive toward. But if ever you find yourself at home wondering, "I wonder what Chris is up to?" you now have the appropriate imagery to jump to whatever conclusions you find least disturbing.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Not so fun wall

Facebook used to be the bees knees. Now, I get as much junk there as I do on my email accounts. The thing that is most frustrating about facebook is I don't know if people send me these things conciously or just in passing. Apparently, a friend of mine gave me a hug at some point. Was I ACTUALLY hugged? Or was it an accident, something that occured while my friend was adding an application? Or was it some kind of MASS hug. I see here that I have the option to "hug everyone". What's the point? So impersonal.

The really sad part is, I was originally kind of happy to have received a hug before I realized that it may have just been some kind of collateral affection incurred by the click of a single button. Then I wonder if I offend people by not responding. I dont' want to respond to affection that may not have been specifically intended for me. Someone else apparently "punched me in the face". What a load of garbage.

But among the things I refuse to take part in are these mass bounty hunter projects we get on the internet. "My friend has gone missing, please forward this email and maybe we'll find her." WHAT??? Who am I? Boba F**king Fett? If someone is missing, grab a cutlass, a whip, some binoculars, one of those funny hats with the alligator teeth on them, and go look for them. I'll even go with you. But a half assed email campaign demeans us all. Why? Mainly because I can't take anything I receive on my Fun Wall seriously. I mean... "My best friend went missing... If you have any heart, please forward this to everyone and we'll have a chance to find her." Beneath that I receieved a "Friendship Beer," from someone I never talk to, and above that I have a forward from someone saying if I forward there message, some starving kid will get 10 Euro.

You know how to get 10 Euro's to a starving kid in Africa? You send them 10 Euro's. It's actually surprisingly easy and RARELY has anything to do with spamming your friends and aquaintances. And if you had the time to take a picture of some meandering broad, why didn't you take the opportunity to shackle her down then and there? And how do I know these forwards are legit and not something akin to the many, "If you forward this 1 million times Bill Gates will give you his hard earned money, cuz he's stupid like dat!"

It's become far too easy to "interact" with people and not have to lift a finger. If you want to give me a hug, find me and hug me. If you want to give to charity, give to charity. If your friend has gone missing, then call me up and say, "My friend is missing... tonight... WE HUNT!!!" But I'm getting too old and jaded to sift out actual relevant concern from run of the mill time wasting. I want YOU to interact with me in the real world. If you have a friend to find, let's fine her. If there are hugs, and punches to be exchanged, let's rumble. Charity is nice, but it involves giving stuff, money or time... But please use the funwall/superwall sparingly, and only for BS that you're assuming I won't read.