Tuesday, May 31, 2005

A day in the lab of...

For all of you who think that science labs are a boring place, think again! The lab is a workplace ripe with sexual tension. For starters, yours truly, the resident hot guy of the bio department works there. My buff body and ready wit are a constant distraction to the hapless women who wander in hoping to get their work done. Just the other day I bellowed, "Janine, GET ME A MOTHA F**KIN SANDWHICH!!"

So she didn't quite get me the sandwhich, but she was impressed by my macho commands. That's how you gotta treat these women! Let em' know who's boss!!! So I slapped her!!!

And this is how my day generally proceeds. I'm quite the pimp. But it sometimes works against me. Often, trying to get work done is impossible. It's like those commercials for TAG deodorant. Women leaping in through the windows trying to touch my delts and pecs. I'm too studly.

Something as simple as reaching for a pipette can turn into sexual harassment suit, as my gargantuan biceps brush against an unsuspecting feminina. I guess it has something to do with pheromones or something, cuz that's all it takes for me to be tackled by every woman in the department. This weekend in court is gonna be hell! It ain't easy being the hottest guy in the industry!


Brace yourselves!!! You've heard Chris' perspective on lab life, now let me tell you how it really goes down. I, the hot girl on the 5th floor (that's right Simon, your title has been usurped), walked into lab today and there was Chris... not wearing any pants, again. He says he finds them constrictive when he's pipetting. I try to get down to my cell counting, when along comes now shirtless Chris (he blames this on some girl in the hall). He's holding a beaker of concentrated acid and telling me some story about how Yoda is 10X more powerful than Darth Vader.

It is impossible to get any work done! I blame this solely on my hotness and know i must be an incredible distraction to the guys in the lab. Just today, I could barely get my work done with Chris begging me to let him cell count... I would have, just to give the poor guy something to do, but his speedo got caught in the centrifuge and he was busy with that for a few hours.

I tell you, it's a gong show. Ghost Dog signing off.

Featuring Guest Blogger Janine (who wishes to keep her identity secret, so we'll just call her Ghost Dog).

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

"Yuck! I'll just take the crab juice!"

Ever had a day that just wouldn't end? That day was last thursday for me. And it started off so well. I showed up for work at 11am, as I am often wont to do. And the professor said, "Well, there isn't much for you to do today. Just calculate the oxygen consumption for these yeast strains and go home!"

Sweet! That should only take about 20 minutes. Of course, I had to wait for my supervisor to draw the slopes for the oxygen consumption. Seeing as he was busy, I ended up waiting about an hour.

No big deal, still plenty of day left. After I had lunch and spoke to the secretary about getting a swipe card it was about 3pm. Wow... 3pm already! Time flies!!!

So I took the bus to the metro for some sweet relaxation at home. But the metro was stalled for an indefinite amount of time. Bleh! The available detour took about an hour and a half. Oh well, on the way home I met someone I hadn't seen in years who was a teacher for blind and mute children. Needless to say her experiences were very interesting. Most surprising was whereby she finished work looking bright and chipper, I usually leave work feeling like a train wreck.

At this point it was already well past 4pm. Going back to the South Shore was a rather foolish endeavor seeing as I wanted to go downtown again to make my Kali class (philipino martial art). Beeing slightly dazed and jaded and confused I went back to the Shore anyway, with the intention of getting a Lightsaber at Walmart. I would be a super star if I busted into Episode 3 wielding a blue lightsaber with all the noises and the lights and the *GlaVEn*!!!

So I took the 49 bus back to Walmart, and met a former coworker of mine. She asked, "Going to Walmart? What for???"

I was most ashamed to be searching out a lightsaber so I said, "Oh... I'm... ummm... Looking for a gift for my sister... Any suggestions?" I did in fact need a gift for my sister. No need to get into any impromptu lightsaber convos.

Of all things she suggests I buy her an agenda? "Hey that's a good idea!" I exclaimed, then moments later contemplated the level of dissapointment that would ensue if my sister actually did recieve an agenda. So I did actually look at the agendas at Walmart when I remembered my true purpose. LIGHTSABER!! Sister shmister...

Walmart had no lightsabershowever (they actually had some creedless foam lightsabers but.. who cares?)... :-( So I made the long trip back into town. At this point I was very thirsty. I decided to spend 5 $ on one of those specialty juices at that place in Bonaventure. I decided to be adventurous. What do I do? I buy a Carrot, apple and ginger juice. What the hell was I thinking? I took a sip of it and my face contorted in horror. It was so awful I could only take about 4 sips before chucking the thing into the trash. I was truly appauled... At whoever decided ginger would taste good with carrot and apple, and at myself for actually buying something so ridiculous. 5$ well spent.

There was still time to kill. I went to the Bay, and went up the 4-5... 6?? flights of stairs to the toy department. It never fails to amaze me how huge the bay downtown is. Anyway, they had lightsabers there, but none that made cool noises. I still played with it. There were some older people there who tried to avert their gaze as I disgraced myself. So I passed on that. And went to my martials arts class. On the way home I missed several buses, and got home much later than I expected.

And that was my neverending day. If you have read up to this point, I'm impressed.

*Revenge of the Sith Review*

So I actually ended up seeing Revenge of the Sith on Friday (bereft of lightsaber). And was pleasantly surprised. More or less. I mean the movie was still utterly cheesy (bad lines, bad acting), but compared to the first two, it was a masterpiece. Rez would argue that the lines were cheesy in Eps IV to VI but I disagree.

General Grievous was a huge dissapointment. In the cartoons he was ominous and terrifying. In the movie he was comical and quite frankly useless.

Another dissapointment was Anakin actually turning to the darkside. They give a good reason, but the actual point at which he turns is silly. Whether the scene fell flat because of bad acting or bad writing I can't decide. But it definately did. I guess I can't say anymore without spoiling the movie.

This movie was very grim compared to the first two and therein lies the movies saving grace. Ewan McGregor as Obi Wan. He is the only believable character in the entire trilogy. All the darkness and disturbing connotations of the film would have been for nothing if not for Obi Wan. He's the only one who seems genuinely shocked and hurt by the way things have gone so badly. Maybe cuz he's the only one who can act. It also made for a very good ending to the movie. Where I expected George Lucas to force feed us some very contrived action scenes where spaceships and lightsabers and robots come together in some orgy of cartoon like violence, the movie actually climaxed on a somewhat emotional note.

Don't get me wrong, we still get our lightsabers and action and then some. But the movie still conveyed the tragedy of Anakin's fall to the darkside making this movie, good. It's also very interesting to watch Episode IV after that. You can't look at Darth Vader in the same way.

In short, Episode III redeems Eps I and II which were at best, mediocre Saturday morning cartoons.

*Today's post was brought to you from the lab as my interenet at home is not working for some reason... nyarr....*

Sunday, May 15, 2005

How wrong we were!

So the other day Droopy informed me that he and some other people from where he... ahem... "works" were looking at old Centennial yearbooks. I can't imagine what kind of job provides so little work that someone woke up in the morning and actually decided to bring a yearbook with them for something to do, but I digress. The point is, I also broke out the old year book the other day and couldn't help but laugh at the hilarious messages some old High School people wrote.

Why so funny? Not because people were actually telling jokes, but in retrospect, one can fully appreciate the irony of what was on our minds some 7 years ago. I know I always beat this point to death but, the more things change the more things stay the same, despite some of our best efforts.

Let's take Tony's message for example. You can tell that post-high-school was supposed to be some sort of rennaissance for Tony. He wanted us all to shed our geeky personas and move onto bigger, better things. He wrote: "I can only hope to forget Star Trek conversations, cartoons and talking about rap music...." Wow... Nice try tony, but I have yet to speak to you without mentionning one or all of these things in an evening. Forget Star Trek Conversations??? WE ARE STAR TREK CONVERSATIONS!

Tony also wrote, "I'll be seeing you all summer and during Champlain!" Ironically, we barely saw Tony at Champlain. As most of us from high-school stuck together and refused to grow up a la Peter Pan and the Lost Boys, Tony decided to make something of himself by "studying" and "working hard" and "getting a girlfriend". How gay! Sure, schools from around the globe may be offering him scholarships, but does he know how many ships were destroyed during the Borg invasion at Wolf 359??? I imagine he doesn't (39 ships including the USS Saratoga... 11000 people died!).

Look what Vrej wrote. "It's not as if I'm never going to see you again.. So I have not much to say.. Ummm.. Big Hit this weekend (years from now this comment from the past will seem quite dated as no one will even remember what The Big Hit is or was or whatever." Well, I guess you're eating your words now. In the last 7 years, I would say we talk about the Big Hit at least once every few months. Strange but true. Even if just to squeal Avery Brooks' line, "BUST SOME CAPS!?!?"

I don't remember talking to Karthik much at all in High School, but when I read his message it all came flooding back: "You remember something when you go to Cegep. I will ALWAYS be behind your desk kicking your chair because I am the hunter and you are the prey." Dear God I used to hate you Kart. I remember you kicking my goddamn chair deliberately just to annoy me. ALL THE TIME! Why did you do that? I almost forgot, but here it is in writing!

Does anyone remember Faraz/Bassem shouting out SOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB???????? Bassem even stuck it to Faraz good in the yearbook: "Thanks to everyone (even Faraz)." Ah... The Faraz/Bassem rivalry... as old as time. They're like Odo and Quark.

Before I was MastaCSG I was (according to the yearbook) referred to as, Kermitt the Frog, Mr. Garisson from South Park, Dikembe Mutumbo, G delta C (where C is a change in coolness) and Chrissy Greggy. There was also the less popular "Chris in Da Hood". A few people called me that and I tried to popularize it as best I could, but it never caught on.

And at least several people wrote in my year book that I've helped them. Rez: "Thanks for the memories and thanks for all the help!" Pam: "You've been a great help to me!" Conrad: "Thanks for the help!" What did I used to do to help people? There are even people writing apologies in my yearbook for writing curse words and vulgarity! Other people said I had a positive outlook on life. It makes me realize that in 7 years I have transformed from a kind, loveable, polite young man into a foul mouthed, ornery bastard! Cool!

Oh well, this yearbook is a nice little momento... I mean... In a way. It's just a reminder that everything is essentially the same as it was 7 years ago! Except many of us have been twisted by the darkside. Actually, there is one message that reveals the seed of evil that was in me at the time.

"Hey Chris! Ever since Rep in June... we have known each other! I was constantly humming X-men and you were always trying to avoid me. I could bet my life that you had learned more about Wolverine then you had during your whole life prior to meeting me. Now you are in sec 5 and all I get out of you is "SHUT UP!" It was nice knowing you, I know we'll keep in touch even though you're always trying to kill me! You're friend..."

Kill him? Wow. 5$ to the first person who can guess what poor sap would take that kind of crap from Chrissy Greggy.

Good times... I feel I should apologize because I know I was notorious for writing the most vapid, meaningless yearbook messages in school! "Good luck on exams! ummm... Nice knowing you?"

Thanks for the memories guys! (Except you Neil! You never did sign my yearbook you bastard! Most likely to succeed indeed... ) It's nice to know that as years go by, we're still in touch. Even Pat D. who's out in Sassy Saskatoon...Tony who's... umm... in Ontario. Jay K... who's... somewhere?! Pat KC... all y'all! Poor out some liquors!

Sunday, May 08, 2005

The wallet fasts while the stomach feasts

So it was our friend, Viv's birthday and Cris made some reservations for a restaurant called Gibby's. I was all like, "Sure! Sounds like a larf!"

Larf my A$$!!! It was only later that I discovered that Gibby's is some high fallootin joint that charges about 35$ for a single plate of food! I didn't know Viv rolled like this! I paid 40$ for my meal! That's about 8 rotis! Or 30 hot dogs from Bell Province! Or 26 double cheeseburgers at McD's. DOUBLE CHEESEBURGERS!!! That's the equivalent of 52 burgers!

Oh well, at least I got to be loud, rude and belligerent in a classy place. Jon and Alex needed to smoke large amounts of weed to appreciate the meal that would cost them their children's education.

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Here's Bahira and Alex, his eyes glowing with a healthy and somewhat demonic red glow. "There is no Alex only Zool!"

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Here's Gina, and Viv, the one responsible for my very costly supper! Hey viv! You owe me 40$!!!

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Cris and Janet
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Cris and Chris
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Chris, Jon and Simon
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To make up for the ghastly cost of my meal, everyone who has viewed this site has been billed 40$ (just to make sure). And for future reference, I'm only going to pay more than 30$ for food if someone I know wins one of the following: An Oscar, a Pulitzer, the Nobel Prize or a Grammy. Birthday parties, Golden Globes or Barmitzvah's are no longer a reason to spend this kind of money on food.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Weekend in Tdot!

This weekend was my training weekend in TO. I applied to be an Mcat teacher and this weekend was when they would show me all the secrets of the trade.

Enter Joe. Friday after the cheesy intro training, I met up with Mr. Greiss who promised a night out on the town and delivered. Despite my insistence that I should be back at the hotel by 1am cuz I had to give a lecture the following morning, I was brought to a club with Joe and friend Kevin. Deep down I guess I knew there was no chance of me getting back by 1. We wandered the streets for a while, ran into THE RUSSELL PETERS when the most ditzy blond I've ever met got us into club DNA for free.

Nice looking place but almost empty... and sausage fest...

Or was it? I guess all DNA needed was three studs to liven up the place. The place was quite dead. Honestly. Almost no one dancing... very few girls. Joe decided it was time we gave this cemetery a break and show off our moves. We get to the dance floor. I'm not exaggerating. We were surrounded by women in minutes. I swear on a stack of bibles. Everywhere we turned. I guess toronto has never seen the likes of me before. Honestly we could have gotten any woman in that club... The three blonds in cowboy hats with shirts that said, "We love (are?) boobies!" Those really hot girls who may have been a touch on the young side. The supermodel-esque woman whom few dared approach. And those that Joe described as "decent looking girls about our age.". All very hot and all smiling and shaking their money makers in our direction. It was awesome, we were stars for the night! But 2am closing time for clubs in TO did not let me express my full creed! I was only getting warmed up. I explained to the women, "In Montreal, the clubs close 1 hour later than here! Back in Mount Real, we call 2am to 3am, Masta's Hour of Power!" But much to the dissapointment of the pleading cowboy chics, I had to go. Next time baby... next time...

Not that the hotel was the most desirable place for entertaining guests at that time. The chubby guy who I was sharing a room with hadn't budged since I left. He was dead asleep and snoring with a book over his face. He had been studying for the lecture we had to give the next day. What's really funny about him is the way he wakes up. As I walked from the door to my bag, he springs up like a jack in the box. It was really funny. He fell back to sleep in like 40 seconds. I went to the bathroom, and when I came out, he sprung up again, a look of terror in his eyes. "Relax dude!"

Anyway. He set his alarm for like 6am. I woke up and he bursts awake and with a groan slams the snooze button on the alarm. He's snoring again in seconds. I'm not so lucky. 5 minutes later it rings again. And again. I was woken up by the alarm at least 4 times!!! I was furious! "Why don't you just set the goddamn alarm for 7:00 and wake up then?!?" We both fell back asleep. Precious sleep.

When I woke up, it was about 8:15am. The alarm didn't go off and guy was fast asleep. "Dude!" I yelled. He popped up and with that fight or flight look to him and then cursed at the clock. We scrambled to get to the office on time.

And so, they gave us some training tips and then we gave our lectures. I was so out of it. I had prepared a pretty decent lecture too... Unfortunately I was too tired to deliver it. "The cell... has to replicate... It's DNA??? DNA... uuuuuuuugh...." I drew messy diagrams on the board and slurred and stuttered like I had just gone on a tequilla bender all night and woken up in a dumpster. I sucked.

That night, I met up with the legendary Pat Kim Chiaw, his gf , Mel, And some of their friends. We ate at the Korean Grill, which I had went to the night before with Joe. It's a place where you get to cook your own meat! I was tooooo happy! They just kept bringing us meat!!! Pork, beef, fish, chicken... An endless flow. Almost comparable to la Milsa with the added bonus that the grill is right there for you to use. Anyway, I stuffed myself, and went to the hotel early to prepare lecture 2.

Entered the hotel room, almost gave the Guy a heart attack. Studied. Woke up the Guy again. Used the bathroom, woke up guy for spite. Went to sleep. Woke the man up another two times, NO JOKE! and went on to give an awesome lecture. I got some props for my good work and then went to meet my Dad and my uncle who were in town that weekend.

Again, I ate like a king, this time at a friend of the family's. The food was so good... I almost cried. And for desert, some awesome cake. It was like... cofee cake, carrot cake, with chocolate and cream cheese icing... It was the jokes.

5 hour ride home... weekend's over... back to work!

Anyway, mad props to Joe and Pat and all the toronto honeyz for showing me such a good time in TO!