So it's around Christmas time and children seem somewhat rambunctious to me. Probably anticipating all the crap they'll be getting for Christmas... Unworthy ingrates. But what occured to me, is that a lot of the younger children probably believe that they are still getting their gifts from Santa Claus as I did when I was a wee lad.
It also occured to me the amount of effort that my parents exercised to perpetuate the lie. I wasn't a dumb kid. I wanted to know what was up with this Santa character. And so, at a certain age, I began asking questions and each would be answered with an appropriate lie. And my mom being a sci-fi fan came up with some very elaborate lies.
Me as a punk kid: "How does Santa deliver gifts to all the children in the world?"
Mom: "I'm not sure, but what if Santa is able to freeze time on christmas so that he has time to deliver all the gifts?"
Me: "That makes sense..."
Dad: "Actually... Trinidad has it's own Santa... He's black."
At this point I remember my mom looking nervous. These lies were getting to risky. I'm sure when I left the room my parents had a falling out.
Mom: "Black Santa? Are you crazy? Do you want him to know there is no Santa? You'll ruin everything!"
Dad: "I want the boy to love who he is! Why can't there be a black Santa?"
And as I got older the questions became more intricate. How does Santa get into our house if we don't have a chimney? I think my mom told me he could pass through walls or something. Every question I had was answered until my reality based thinking was damaged beyond repair. I believed in Santa.
Until that day that every kid faces. At the tender age of 17, I woke up in the middle of Christmas Eve night, and found my Dad eating Santa's cookies.
Me, enraged: "What the F**k is going on here? Why are you eating Santa's cookies?"
Dad: "Son.. There's something you should know... Your mom killed Santa."
Me: "Enough with the lies... Tell me the truth."
Dad: "Your mom is Santa... So when she denied Santa was black she betrayed and murdered Santa... So what I told you was true, from a certain point of view."
Me: "A certain point of view?"
Dad: "You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."
Me : "I knew there was no Santa. How could I have been so STUPID!?!" punching the wall in fury
Imagine if Santa was real though? I mean... Why would he even bother delivering gifts? He's a super human. Like, an Xman or something. He could take over the world! I can see some megalomaniac kidnapping Santa, extracting his DNA and cloning him hundreds... THOUSANDS of times... making an army of unbeatable super human Santa soldiers. Passing through walls, freezing time to dodge bullets... They could graft admantium to his skeleton like wolverine... give him claws... Gifts indeed. Santa is no Saint... He's a warrior. That's the lie I'm telling my kids.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Thursday, December 09, 2004
No news is good news
It's that time of year again. Time for the I hate TV rant.
Oh man I hate tv... Dang old reality tv... I wish there was at least a funny sitcom to watch. With the exception of Scrubs, I can't even watch tv anymore.
Even the news. I often feel bad when people are talking about current events and I come off as the one who is totally ignorant of what's going on in the world. Usually I miss the news because I get home late or opt to watch Spongebob on YTV instead. But every now and then, the shame of knowing nothing pwns me and I decide to watch the news.
I hate it. Especially the medical report. "A study from Sweden shows that milk increases the risk of ovarian cancer! And a study from England shows that Pomegranate juice decreases the risk of...." I can't remember. Alzheimers? Whatever... Ridiculous statements like that do more harm than good. What am I supposed to do? Stop drinking milk? I don't want my ovaries to become malignant tumors but I don't want my bones to become brittle either? And I'm not Swedish... does it apply? None of this is taken into consideration. You just get one half truth, blurted out by some ignoramous. And I don't recall ever seeing pomegranate juice available in the grocery stores.
I also hate idiotic polls they have on the news. "50% of people on our poll agree that the government has the right to change the definition of the word "marriage"." Followed of course by a disclaimer, usually Bill Haughland saying, "This poll isn't considered scientific." ie... "This poll means nothing...Just... nothing at all.. Pay no attention to it... These numbers are useless to you and to everyone." And that's just Canadian news... All the ignorance of American news, without the exciting Shock value. What would americans be afraid of if there wasn't some idiot with a hidden camera revealing the jerk at McDonalds scratching his nuts before making a Big Mac? "What you don't know about you Big Mac!!!!!!" :-o
Access Hollywood proved mildly entertaining... Or did it?
No...
Do I care that Britney Spears got married? No... Do I care that Julia Roberts has twins, Tiger woods getting married... George Clooney hurt his neck? No... No.. NO!!!! If I was to host one of those shows I think I would loathe myself... Like those tortured assassins in movies who hold the gun to their head and fight against all instincts to pull the trigger. Can you picture Nancy Odell sitting alone in the dark, playing Russian Roulette thinking, "If the gun goes off and I die... I deserve to die anyway... Because my existence on this planet is superfluous. Today, my biggest accomplishment was telling people that Britney Spears may have gotten a breast job... If this gun goes off, it's because God wants it to go off."
*clic*
"Oh well, looks like I live to tell people about Dave Coulier's daughter losing her pet gecko..."
Damn tv... I can't wait for Futureshop to deliver Return of the King to my doorstep. I think the whole world should be organized like Futureshop. I say, all the countries should merge into one, and be managed by Futureshop. You go online and they deliver whatever entertainment you need... And food I guess...
I don't know how that relates to hating television but... I say less news and more Futureshop purchases!
Oh man I hate tv... Dang old reality tv... I wish there was at least a funny sitcom to watch. With the exception of Scrubs, I can't even watch tv anymore.
Even the news. I often feel bad when people are talking about current events and I come off as the one who is totally ignorant of what's going on in the world. Usually I miss the news because I get home late or opt to watch Spongebob on YTV instead. But every now and then, the shame of knowing nothing pwns me and I decide to watch the news.
I hate it. Especially the medical report. "A study from Sweden shows that milk increases the risk of ovarian cancer! And a study from England shows that Pomegranate juice decreases the risk of...." I can't remember. Alzheimers? Whatever... Ridiculous statements like that do more harm than good. What am I supposed to do? Stop drinking milk? I don't want my ovaries to become malignant tumors but I don't want my bones to become brittle either? And I'm not Swedish... does it apply? None of this is taken into consideration. You just get one half truth, blurted out by some ignoramous. And I don't recall ever seeing pomegranate juice available in the grocery stores.
I also hate idiotic polls they have on the news. "50% of people on our poll agree that the government has the right to change the definition of the word "marriage"." Followed of course by a disclaimer, usually Bill Haughland saying, "This poll isn't considered scientific." ie... "This poll means nothing...Just... nothing at all.. Pay no attention to it... These numbers are useless to you and to everyone." And that's just Canadian news... All the ignorance of American news, without the exciting Shock value. What would americans be afraid of if there wasn't some idiot with a hidden camera revealing the jerk at McDonalds scratching his nuts before making a Big Mac? "What you don't know about you Big Mac!!!!!!" :-o
Access Hollywood proved mildly entertaining... Or did it?
No...
Do I care that Britney Spears got married? No... Do I care that Julia Roberts has twins, Tiger woods getting married... George Clooney hurt his neck? No... No.. NO!!!! If I was to host one of those shows I think I would loathe myself... Like those tortured assassins in movies who hold the gun to their head and fight against all instincts to pull the trigger. Can you picture Nancy Odell sitting alone in the dark, playing Russian Roulette thinking, "If the gun goes off and I die... I deserve to die anyway... Because my existence on this planet is superfluous. Today, my biggest accomplishment was telling people that Britney Spears may have gotten a breast job... If this gun goes off, it's because God wants it to go off."
*clic*
"Oh well, looks like I live to tell people about Dave Coulier's daughter losing her pet gecko..."
Damn tv... I can't wait for Futureshop to deliver Return of the King to my doorstep. I think the whole world should be organized like Futureshop. I say, all the countries should merge into one, and be managed by Futureshop. You go online and they deliver whatever entertainment you need... And food I guess...
I don't know how that relates to hating television but... I say less news and more Futureshop purchases!
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