Thursday, December 16, 2004

Santa Claws

So it's around Christmas time and children seem somewhat rambunctious to me. Probably anticipating all the crap they'll be getting for Christmas... Unworthy ingrates. But what occured to me, is that a lot of the younger children probably believe that they are still getting their gifts from Santa Claus as I did when I was a wee lad.

It also occured to me the amount of effort that my parents exercised to perpetuate the lie. I wasn't a dumb kid. I wanted to know what was up with this Santa character. And so, at a certain age, I began asking questions and each would be answered with an appropriate lie. And my mom being a sci-fi fan came up with some very elaborate lies.

Me as a punk kid: "How does Santa deliver gifts to all the children in the world?"
Mom: "I'm not sure, but what if Santa is able to freeze time on christmas so that he has time to deliver all the gifts?"
Me: "That makes sense..."
Dad: "Actually... Trinidad has it's own Santa... He's black."

At this point I remember my mom looking nervous. These lies were getting to risky. I'm sure when I left the room my parents had a falling out.

Mom: "Black Santa? Are you crazy? Do you want him to know there is no Santa? You'll ruin everything!"
Dad: "I want the boy to love who he is! Why can't there be a black Santa?"

And as I got older the questions became more intricate. How does Santa get into our house if we don't have a chimney? I think my mom told me he could pass through walls or something. Every question I had was answered until my reality based thinking was damaged beyond repair. I believed in Santa.

Until that day that every kid faces. At the tender age of 17, I woke up in the middle of Christmas Eve night, and found my Dad eating Santa's cookies.

Me, enraged: "What the F**k is going on here? Why are you eating Santa's cookies?"
Dad: "Son.. There's something you should know... Your mom killed Santa."
Me: "Enough with the lies... Tell me the truth."
Dad: "Your mom is Santa... So when she denied Santa was black she betrayed and murdered Santa... So what I told you was true, from a certain point of view."
Me: "A certain point of view?"
Dad: "You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."
Me : "I knew there was no Santa. How could I have been so STUPID!?!" punching the wall in fury

Imagine if Santa was real though? I mean... Why would he even bother delivering gifts? He's a super human. Like, an Xman or something. He could take over the world! I can see some megalomaniac kidnapping Santa, extracting his DNA and cloning him hundreds... THOUSANDS of times... making an army of unbeatable super human Santa soldiers. Passing through walls, freezing time to dodge bullets... They could graft admantium to his skeleton like wolverine... give him claws... Gifts indeed. Santa is no Saint... He's a warrior. That's the lie I'm telling my kids.

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