Thursday, March 29, 2007

Old School

So a few days ago it came to my attention that Kardinal Offishal was going to be giving a concert at the Hive, basically a crummy hall at the Loyola Campus of Concordia. I thought he was a pretty well known rapper and the tickets were free. So I decided to go and ask a few people if they were up for it. I got responses like: "Who is Kardinal Offishal? What does he sing?" To which I would reply with a blank stare, "I'm sure you know songs by him... ummm... Money Jane? Everyday Rudebwoy?" Those were pretty much the only songs I could think of by him.

So tonight was the concert and the doors were supposed to open at 10 but they kept us waiting out in the cold until about 10:30. I was pretty irate, "Could someone please tell Kardinal Offishal some of us have work in the morning??"

They frisked us and stuff. My first thought was, "They really fixed up the hive." It looked presentable and was bigger than a lot of lounges I'd been to. My second thought was, "Why does every white person who comes through the door feel obliged to do some crazy dance move."

One white guy walked through the door and went, "OOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!" No one turned around. He skulked off in shame. Then a white girl came in and flailed her arms in a most embarassing manner that I suppose was supposed to pass for dancing. I glowered at her. She looked back at me and scurried away. I was proud of that.

11pm rolled by..... I started feeling like an old man as often happens when I'm out past my bedtime. I thought of the quizzes I needed to correct, work I needed to do in the lab. And I was losing my voice to the point where it was completely impossible to communicate. I asked my friends if it would be unacceptable to buy a girlie drink. "I feel like an amaretto sour." They said that would be embarassing so I settled for a rhum and coke. By 12:30am I felt like Kardinal Offishal was Offishally late...

I also started feeling old when I realized I didn't recognize a lot of the songs, until they played some Al Greene, which seemed quite out of place. But I was pleased.

Finally at 1am someone busts out and starts rapping. I didn't even realize it was Kardinal Offishal even after a few bars of ... errr... fresh beats? He promptly sang Money Jane and Everyday Rudebwoy, getting that out of the way as early as possible. Then he went into cheesy showman banter. I couldn't shake the feeling that he was just going through the motions of being a rapper and wasn't really feeling what he was saying, "Where my ladies at? Where my dawgs at?? Canada is good! Bush is a pussy! Throw your guns in the air! etc..."

I thought to myself what an ironic punishment it must be to be forced to live out most of your life as if it was a party, feigning enthusiasm until the wee hours of the morning, blurting out every MTV cliche that comes to mind at a given moment to a crowd so mentally crippled by substance abuse they're barely aware of who's on stage.

Kardinal Offishal: "How many of you have never been to a Kardinal show?"

*everyone raises their hand*

Kardinal Offishal: "How many of you have already been to a Kardinal show?"

*everyone raises their hand*

Kardinal Offishal: "So the set of people who have been to my concerts is the same set of people who have never been to my concert before?"

White girl: "Sorry Mr Offishal! We don't speak Black!"

Whatever... I'm getting to old for this. But I did enjoy the music. Good show I say. I will repay Kardinal for his free concert by stealing his album in the near future. He's a very talented young man.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Pussy... ... Cat Dolls (graphic)

It was a typical slow evening at the Gregg household. I went to my Dad's and after supper he my sister and I flicked through the dismal television shows on his many channels. "This Pussy Cat Dolls show is disgusting!" My dad said.

I have been living under a rock the past few years and didn't even know there was a Pussy cat Dolls reality show. There's a group of ugly girls trying to be the next pussy cat doll. I guess a member of their group. The girls themselves are for the most part, dreadfully unnatractive and embarassingly untalented. The entire show they walk around wearing really short shorts, practically underwear but even this fact can't bring you beyond the fact that they're not good looking enough. I'd even go as far as to say they're kind of dirty.

Apparently last weeks challenge involved showing their "confidence" by executing a dance move that involved twirling around a pole and spreading their legs so that the audience could get a view of their vaginas (yes I could have minced words or used a euphamism but... they're the ones showing their vaginas to everyone! Don't hate the messenger.) It was quite graphic.

The show is embarassingly bad. Then before a challenge the ACTUAL Pussy Cat Dolls appear on screen to impart their words of wisdom. One of the pussy cat dolls starts talking, "One of the cornerstones of being a Pussy Cat doll is confidence. You demonstrated that by spreading your legs like a whore... Another cornerstone is... persona!"

Persona, eh? I didn't quite know what they were talking about but one of the blonde contestants was on board, "I think I can capture the essence of confidence AND persona." I wonder what the other cornerstones are? Boob grasping followed by ass slapping and graphic gyrating? Whoreism? (It's a word!)

Now I could go on about how I think this show is another nail in the coffin of the music industry's integrity. I could even wine about how I think it's a terrible example for young girls who are going to want to capture the essence of confidence by spreading their legs and subsequently capture the essence of genital herpes but what's the point? I just hope that people are keeping a close eye on their children during prime time.

A few weeks ago I was flicking through channels and I saw an episode of Family Guy that was making light of the guy's wife having an affair on him. They attempted to solve the problem by arranging for Peter to have sex with his wife's mom. The show was very, very sick... Later on I stumbled across the first 120 seconds of a show called Nip and Tuck. There was an EXTREMELY graphic sex scene during which a stripper was negotiating with the guy she was with to get a free breast reduction for more sexual favours. This was at 10pm on CTV! And the only thing that could distinguish this show from actual porn is that you couldn't see the woman's nipples. It was very graphic.

I fear for the generation of kids who are growing up watching these shows. I can't see how they can grow up right. I can see an entire generation of little girls succumbing to a culture of whoreocity (It's a word).