Monday, May 31, 2004

May 31st...

The collapse of the Soviet Union... The assassination of Tupac Shaqur... The season finale of Friends; These are a few of the tragedies that come to mind when one says the name Anthony Soung Yee.

After a tragic plane crash, ASY was horribly mutilated, making him the ideal candidate for experimental cybernetic surgery. Now endowed with a supplementary, electronic nervous system, and a titanium alloy musculature, ASY is the most feared international terrorist of our time providing his deadly services to the highest bidder.

Cruel, ruthless and without scruples ASY has also been called Skeletor, as he is as close to pure evil as... ummm.... Skeletor!!! On this, the anniversary of his horrific surgery (or his birth? or something..?) I think we should take a moment and wish him a happy birthday I guess.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

American Race War

I hate American Idol! The "judging" is absolutely ridiculous. There's such a thing as consructive criticism. Something like, "Maybe you should have sang a different song" or "You missed a few notes here and there." Instead you get.

Randy: I'm black. I heart saying black things like, "dawg" and "whack" and "I wasn't feelin' you, dawg, that performance was whack."

Paula: I heart everything! Everyone is superior to everyone else!

Simon: You suck! You're fat, you're ugly and you smell bad!

And it doesn't seem to matter what they think anyway. I mean, eventually it's up to people to vote on who their favourite singer is anyway. So, it comes down to a white person and a black person, people vote which leads to the inevitable race war the next day.

White Guy: "I heart the white guy in the competition. Black is Whack!"
Black Guy: "The Black person is a musical genius! Don't you never let me hear sayin' that s**t again!"

Actually, I didn't really like any of the singers. I'm not a big fan of the show. Though something about Ryan Seacrest is funny. The way he just says his name at the end of the show. "YO! Seacrest! Out!" Pretty sweet job if you ask me. Doesn't even have to be coherent. I say they should make a show where Ryan Seacrest and Uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince fight zombies or... Orc-mummy-nazi-robots... with lasers!

But there's a new reality TV show coming up. The Next Action Hero, or something like that. Where dudes and dudettes compete to become the star of a new action film. That should be interesting i guess. Though, I see some guys who can do backflips and Kung Fu. To me, that's the competition. In my books, backflips beats no backflips regardless of what the contest is about. It could be a spelling bee; you must give respect to someone who can do backflips.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Anything in moderation...

So everyone's talking about this Super Size Me documentary. I haven't seen it yet, but from what I hear, it sounds like more American sensationalism. ANOTHER bunch of producers trying to make a few bucks by scaring the public. Any Canadian who saw Bowling for Columbine probably shrugged when they made it seem like none of us locked our doors. Well, just like that movie, this one probably has few good points, but like everything should be taken with a grain of salt.

I mean, who among us didn't know that McDonalds is unhealthy? Who doesn't know the consequences of high cholesterol? Everyone knows. So why is it such a surprise that this guy, after eating McDonald's 3 times a day for a month was on the verge of death? Is that such a surprise? Not to me.

I could make a documentary about any number of foods. I'm not stupid enough to eat, let's say, bacon three times a day for a month. Does that make bacon evil? I love my bacon! But I eat it in moderation, cuz I'm not a moron!

Let's make a documentary where I drink 10 beers a day, drive around town drunk off my ass and get into fights and become an alcoholic. If my liver is ruined, and I gain weight, that will prove that beer sucks!

???

But don't blame McDonalds for America's obesity and poor health. There are McDonalds' all over the world! It's just that, other countries just have better judgement, and better lifestyles than our own.

So I will go see this movie, and I know what to expect. But I'm not going to let someone shock me into thinking that McDonald's is the ultimate cause of bad health. Terror sells! Look at Bush! Look at Dateline, 20/20. This guy is making himself look like a genius for telling us something we already know! Eat junk food in moderation! Not just McDonalds, but all the cookies, chips, ice-cream and crap that's proably in our cupboards right now, contains tons of cholesterol, and the new dreaded trans fats.

If you're worried about your health, you know the drill. 3 glasses of milk, 2-3 servings of meat, 5 servings of bread, 5-8 servings of fruits and veggies. And for god sakes do a sit up or 2 every once in a while! You don't need a movie to tell you that.

Man, I'm going to miss loitering at McD's... Who can forget Jbo and Joe pissing on bags of caramel? Can an establishment that brought us so much joy, really be that evil?

Monday, May 17, 2004

Denial

I remember a few weeks ago while we loitered at McDonalds, Jbo asked if I was afraid of anything. I boldly replied, "NO! I fear nothing! My logical mind is immune to fear!"

But I'm glad no one was around to see me deal with the spider on my wall last night. For some reason I grabbed a cardboard tube, the kind used for wrapping paper. That's how messy my room was incidentally. Trying to tidy up is like being an archeologist, each layer like a page in history. "Here's the carboard tube from Christmas... Here's my Genetics quiz from November."

Anyway, the carboard tube wasn't very effective in killing the spider. It sped along the edge where the wall met the ceiling. Then it let itself fall to the window cill. The thing was freaking agile... Like... Spider-man! No... that doesn't make sense. It was as agile as The Incredible Hulk!

Somehow, in my mind I thought I needed a better tool. What do I grab? My freaking bamboo staff! And I start thrusting towards the thing. Not too bright obviously... The spider easily dodged the normally devastating weapon. I had a nice little Kung Fu routine going: Staff, cardboard, staff!!! But I was bested by the spider until it finally escaped under my bed. My heart sank.

I REALLY hate when that happens. The humiliation of being bested by something with the brain the size of a pin head is bad enough. But my mind becomes obsessed with the consequences of letting the creature escape. Especially under my bed. That's a pretty good environment for a spider. It can build its web, catch all the little critters that live down there... Get big and fat! What if it was ripe with eggs? Then it's at this moment laying eggs where I sleep. If I woke up with little spiderlings crawling all over me... I don't think I could handle that... Emotionally I would be.. broken...

Was the spider sent to teach me a lesson? When Jbo asked if I was afraid of stuff should I have whined like a little girl, "Oooh... i hate bugs!" Firstly, I don't think I was 'afraid' of the spider. I just don't like them. Secondly, even if I was afraid, acknowledging the fear is the first step to defeat. How do you think people on Fear Factor eat all sorts of nasty cockroaches and what not? Denial! How does George W. Bush respond to accusations that he attacked Iraq to aquire oil? Denial! How does Shaggy tell his friend to defend himself against accusations that he was sleeping with another woman? "It wasn't me!" Denial!

Deny your fears! Deny any reality that doesn't suit you, emotional or physically manifest. Deny them until you actually believe your own lie. Then when someone asks you if you have fears, you won't be lying. It's not a lie, if YOU believe it!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sleep... In the living room... with my staff.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

My new hat

My mom bought me this hat... It makes me look like an angry black poet!! And as they say, clothes make the man, so looking like an angry black poet makes me feel like an angry black poet. It inspired the most roughneck, thug MASTApiece of my career. What better place than the Black Log to premiere it.

Anger Management

You ask me why I frown, when I put this hat on my crown!
Why I get pissed when Snow says a licky boom down!
Cuz that's a black sound!
And the man's holding me down!
What do you think I am, some sort of clown?

The stereotypes say I'm a riot!!! So that's just what I'll do!
Smash, Break and Pillage yo s**t! Take yo copables from you!
And kick yo ass too!
And mac yo girl too!
Drink, smoke... gunz and S**t! That's what real thugs do!

And though I will be upset when Frasier ends
I don't give a Motha f**K about Friends!
What? has New York been ethnically cleansed?
The show is whiter than Michael Jackson
That wannabe Anglo Saxon!
To hell with tv, I want some action!

And why the hell is the black one 'Scary Spice'?
On behalf of all my people, that's not very nice
And we gaveprops to vanilla ice?
We should all pay the price!
For being creedless pop puppets, we're as pathetic as mice.

That's why the graduation gown is black!
So how you likin' that?
I'm a big, black, pimpin' roughneck Daddy Mac!


Sorry about the swearing and abrasive racial content. I blame the hat. And the man.


Monday, May 10, 2004

I'm bored. School Defines me.

So Friday was a bust. No girls from last Friday. In fact, no one showed up where they were supposed to at all. It was a very small evening between some of the ladies from Bio, myself and Jbo. Fun anyway I guess. Baton Rouge, went to see Kill Bill2. I don't know why people like that movie.

So, the first week after the last exam is over. and I realize that summer has phases. I've just finished phase 1) which is making up for lost time. Whereby in the last 2 semesters I've seen about 5 movies, last week I saw 4! I've eaten out everyday and went to many bars as opposed to my usual 0. (technically... though I didn't stay). All in all, I've spent some hundreds of dollars just putzing around in this manner. And you know what... I'm good for the summer.

Phase 2 used to involve getting a job. But I already have TWO JOB! Phase 3 involves unrealistic projects. Droopy and I usually claim we're going to write a novel and or screenplay or something else that would require putting aside maybe a few hours a week. That never happens. I usually write an outline. Droopy talks about what he doesn't like about it. Then we do nothing! "WOW... THIS IS THE BEST STAR TREK STORY EVER!!!" we declare simultaneously our nerdiness so overpowering it often puts Jbo in a coma.

This year he even has a job so, there will be none of that. Aside from the board games we used to make when we were younger, and the comics we used to draw, our last succesful project was itoop. Itoop is now little more than a link to droopy's blog, and a weekly star trek review. Nyarrr...

Phase 4 might involve a trip. But succesfullly organizing a trip usually involves people with a certain level of maturity. Mel and Pat are usually needed for this... AND THEY'RE GONE for 3 months.

So, if history is any indicator, most of what I would have to accomplish to have a "succesful" summer is unfeasible. The most I can look forward to is making some money and seeing the spongebob squarepants movie when it comes out... I'd better mark it on my calendar. Otherwise, this summer is effectively over. On that note, I think I will go back to bed and take a nice long nap! Peace!

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Battle for Food

Last Sunday my mom made a magnificent feast of chicken wings and little fried shrimps and stuff. We all ate it greedily and revelled in its deliciousness. After the meal, there were still some wings and shrimp left. And so the battle begun.

Mom wanted to take the remnants to work for lunch the next day. So did I! Mom offered sharing it, but I argued that splitting the portion in half would not provide an adequate meal for either of us. Like when King Solomon was approached by two women who were fighting over custody of a child and Solomon said, "I'll cut the baby in half! Then you can both have some.... baby that is." So one woman said, "Yeah, that would be the s**t!" and the other woman said, "No, don't kill my baby!" So Solomon decided that the latter woman loved the baby more and let her keep it.

Such was the case with the remnants of the chicken wings. I loved them more. I didn't want to see them bisected like innocent babies in ancient Jerusalem. But there was no wise King to recognize my heart of the food. So I challenged my mom! "We'll put a glass on top of the tv, and chuck slippers at it. The first person to knock the glass off of the television, gets the food to take to work!"

Mom didn't care so much for that challenge, so she proposed we try throwing pennies into the glass. First one to get the penny into a wine glass got the food! I figured that worked too, so we began tossing pennies at a glass on the table. It was really hard. One of my pennies actually bounced out of the glass. Anyway, ten minutes later, my mom emerged the victor. There was a wailing and a gnashing of teeth the likes of which had never been heard in my house.

But being a mom, she let me have the leftovers anyway. Can you here the live studio audience going, "Awwwwwwwww...." I can... I can.

So, this weekend is Mother's Day, a token day in which we try to compensate for causing our mothers years and decades of inconvenience by buying some kind of gift, or bringing them out for food. So... do it you selfish bastards! I just wish I had an idea what to get for her.

Sunday, May 02, 2004

Drunken Revelry

Friday I went out with some people from biology. Nice night, beautiful people. Good stuff!

Anyway, the most shocking part of the eveing was going home with some of the guys. Properly soused, we were offered a lift home (well, I wasn't drunk but... whatever). So we headed to the car, not a long way from McGibbins. It was pretty damned embarassing for everyone who was not drunk off their ass... at first... But eventually it was fun! The guys were having the time of their life shouting obnoxious slogans at total strangers on the street!

"I love Beetles!" said one as he proceeded to hump the Volkswagon Beetle with 2 horrified loooking women in it. "Don't give it away for free ladies!!!! Make your man work for it!!!!" "You're beautiful ladies!!!" they cried to a man and a woman. I've never seen people so horrified by a group of drunk men... Not to that extent at least.

But their reign of terror ended when 3 women were actually "feelin" what the boys had to offer. "What are you girls doing alone tonight?" they shouted. The girls slurred back something... And it was good. In moments, they were litterally dancing in the streets to the fury of motorists who came very close to running them down. I got particularly worried when the guys started mounting each other and riding around in the streets like cowboys. Two of the girls proceeded to do the same. The girls ring leader was slightly more sober than the others. She seemed pretty cool. Apparently she has a degree in Math, wow!

So after getting to know the girls, the guys begged for their numbers. The girls busted out their pens and proceeded to write on their chests and adorn us with sparkles. Eventually we agreed to meet up again next week at Winnies! Good times... If they do in fact show up next week. One of my friends came up to me and showed me his chest, proud of aquiring the phone numbers.

Friend: "What does it say?"
Me: "Actually, it's a drawing of a penis and balls, and it says, 'Have fun!' next to it."
Friend: *frowning* "Is it hairy?"
Me: "I'm afraid so..."

After which the person driving us home asked me to keep the drunks put while she got the car. That was pretty interesting. The moment the car pulled up they all scattered, yelling drunkenly. "Come back guys! Our ride is here!" I yelled.

"We should get back to crazy dreadlock man (me I guess)!" one of them yelled. Miraculously, we got home safely. Those guys are my heroes. Next week should be fun.

So stay tuned next week for, "Fun at Winnies with the Girl's from last week's post!" or "School defines me: I'm bored."