Monday, April 25, 2005

Catching the last metro EVER!

I hate mornings. I hate waking up, and taking the bus in various kinds of bad weather. But at very least, when I wake up, I can be entertained by the sheer stupidity of others.

I love watching people trying to catch a metro. I'm a pretty laid back (lazy) person. I refuse to run for a bus or a metro. They come to frequently to warrant such effort, especially during rush hour. But some people act as if the metro they are about to catch, is the last metro that will ever pass through this universe. They act like when the metro doors close, the entire station will be sealed off and then rapidly filled with nerve gas, peeling the flesh from their bones like a bad paint job off of a wet wall.

Have you ever seen someone leap down five stairs, knock over a bunch of old women and make a madcap dash for the metro, flailing arms and all? It's amazing how one psychopath can cause so much bedlam. There are people screaming and fainting as some lunatic plows through a throng of commuters like a broke ass football player. And what's the result? They almost skid right into the metro doors which have already closed. Then the metro takes off, and they realize that all of that foolishness was for nothing. Another metro is coming in 5 goddamn minutes. They make sure not to turn around so they don't have to see the wreckage they left in their wake and pray that no one is bold enough to confront them about being nearly knocked over.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Honorable Mention

Today, a colleague of mine (who incidentally is the jokes) informed me that Arab people are globally famous for their huge packages. "Why do you think they don't wear pants??? It's for comfort! It's like a pendulum down there! That's why they have so many wives. Cuz they are equipped to satisfy them all."

Now there are many stereotypes about black people. Stealing, violence... etc... And if you bring one of these up a black person may take offense. But I don't think any black guy has ever responded to the statement, "Hey, I hear you guys have huge penises!!" By saying, "That's just a stereotype, which may or may not be true! I take offense to that." No, more often we would respond with a self-satisfied nod, "Yes... Black people are well endowed. That's a scientific fact."

SCIENTIFIC FACT! Now this guy is telling me that Arabs hold the record? I take umbrage. And yet, what arguments could I present? There is no data establishing that blacks have the biggest package. That would involve a scientific experiment of a scope never seen before (I believe Joe would refer to this as "a good old fashionned cock-off). I'd have to get funding to get a sample group of some hundred people of varying ethnicities. Then have them line up in front of a table and have them unfurl their wangs. Then I'd have to pay someone to measure 100 penises! *Simon Bourque busts in with a ruler* "I'll do it for free!"

And what implications would this have on our society? Women would be in the clubs and have a choice between two men, one black and one white and quote my scientific paper "MMM.. according to the recent Nature article by Chris Gregg, Black people have coke bottle shlongs..." It would be pandamonium.

Until that dayI suppose Black people will enjoy the assumption that we have monolithic genetalia. All other races are free to battle it out for honorable mention.

Friday, April 15, 2005

A pore post

I don't know if I'm the only one, but dry air requires me to apply a layer of moisturizing lotion to my skin after showering in the morning or risk the whitenning of the skin that we black people call ashiness!

The problem is, living in a household with only women, when lotion is bought, sometimes little old me is forgotten and we can get some pretty feminine lotions. The result is I go to school smelling like lavender or strawberry's or some other damn thing.

The other morning I saw a new product. A short distance away I couldn't quite read the label but I feared the worst. "Just great!" I thought, "Another lotion that'll have me smelling like a sexy woman!" But this lotion didn't have a perfumed odor. It had something called "subtle skin reflectors". It was supposed to make my skin look somehow shinier. Even worse than smelling like a pansy! I couldn't go out into the world shimmering like Tinkerbell or some other form of mythical sprite. Or shining like C-3PO.... Or... some other metallic character like... Oh, I don't know... Robocop?

... Mmm... That's kind of cool.

I looked around to make sure no one was watching, and applied the lotion. Off to school I went, glistenning like (insert name of absurdly shiny thing here) Sure enough if I looked closely I could see little sparkling things on my skin. And sure enough, the hotties of montreal responded! "Wow, Chris! Your skin is irridescent like a perfectly cut diamond! I want you!!!"

This post was brought to you by Jergens Moisturizing lotion with Subtle Skin Reflectors. It's like a gangsta rapper's bling... for your pores!!!

Monday, April 04, 2005

Cabane a Jokes!

So, I thought Cabane a sucre was the jokes. It wasn't quite the ultimate posse cheese that I had thought. After all, we basically spent 20 dollars on breakfast and a horse ride in the rain. But what a breakfast it was! My cousin insisted we get our dollar's worth on maple syrop alone and did we ever.

Here's my cousin making good on his threat.
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Here's Tony spiking the coffee! With Syrop! Please take note of the backhanded pouring.
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Here's Pam with a bowlful of Bacon??? wTf???
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At this point, my esophagus decided some of the meat had to go back the way it came.
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Justin seems to be pleasuring this slab of ham.
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Dave: "F**k it! I'm just going to eat this bacon right out of the bowl! I'm sick like that!"
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Maeva: "Hello Breakfast!!!"
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Vrej: "How about you and I discuss this later over a bottle of maple syrop? And your carcass!!!"
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With adequate amounts of syrop, I could eat a horse!
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I mean, in essence, it was just an expensive breakfast out in the boons! And there is something very disturbing about petting the animals we are about to douse in maple syrop and consume. But all in all, it was fun. Friends, family and food. All drenched in copious amounts of syrop. That's good!

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Friday, April 01, 2005

Everyone's just full of jokes...

So this morning I walked into the lab and my colleague Tania informs me that she's pregnant. I didn't really react at first. I just looked up at her, then tried to find the right words to say. "Really? Wow... Incredible... Ummm... Congratulations?" At that she burst out laughing and told me it was some lame ass april fool's joke.

I'm getting senile in my old age. Yesterday the phone in the lab starts ringing. Lazy ass Jon, Viv and Tania don't answer it and actually complain, "The phone has been ringing all day." I walk all the way across the lab to answer. "Hello?" Someone sounding suspiciously like Homer simpson trying to be Mr. Burns answers.

Some Guy: "Hello??!?!?"
Me:"This is Dr. Titorenko's lab? Can I help you?"
Some Guy: "Dr. Titorenko's lab?!?"
Me: "Ummm... yes?"
Some Guy: "Really? Could you please check your fridge I think it's running away!!"
Me: "What the...?"

I look over my shoulder to see Jon Solomon laughing with a cell phone in his hand. The whole lab just erupted into laughter. Nice. That's the joke's jon. You get blog props.

As a final april fool's joke, after writing this, stupid blogger crashed and didn't save my post. So I had to rewrite it.