Sunday, May 21, 2006

Look at me!! I'm Jesus!!

Not too surprisingly, people are protesting about the release of the Da Vinci Code, a fictional novel that people have arbitrarily decided to take as fact. Ever wonder what Jesus thinks of all of this?

I mean really. I sometimes feel bad when living people are portrayed by actors. How did Muhammad Ali feel when Will Smith decided to play him? It must come off as a mockery at that point. But I can just imagine Jesus up there getting annoyed, "How is that guy me??? First of all... I'm black... Second of all I have a much more pronounced jawline."

Remember when the Passion of the Christ came out? There was some story to the effect that the camera man was struck by lightning TWICE!!! The shocking thing (no pun intended) is that Mel Gibson took that as a sign that everything was going well. That God (who exists by the way) was pleased with what they were doing. How can being struck by lightning be a good thing? If someone's doing a good job do you try to kill them twice? Kudos to Mel on a very convenient and farfetched interpretation of the supernatural event. Here's what I think was going down.

God: "Have they stopped making that movie about my son yet?"
Lightning Angel: "No, Sir."
God: "Did you strike the guy with lightning???"
Lightning Angel: "Yeah...TWICE in fact. It only seems to have strengthenned their resolve."
God: "Fine... Turn up the juice and strike him again."
Lightning Angel: "Ummm.. Sir, you should know that a higher voltage will likely kill..."
God: "I said... Turn up the F**KING JUICE!!!"
Angel goes to lightning machine, turns a comically huge dial and the machine emits a frightenning hum.

Back on earth.

Mel Gibson: "Okay, now Jesus you turn around to the Camera and say, "I know Kung Fu." Then Pontius Pilate you say, "Show me!!!""
Camera Man looks warily at the sky before getting his ass blasted again:"AAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"
Mel Gibson: "Thanks God! I'll keep up the good work! Jesus... Are you thinking what I'm thinking?? Leopard print thong????"

I guess I wouldn't really mind being portrayed in a movie. Once you realize it's just fiction. All in good fun. I know actors like to take themselves seriously, but for years now I've realized there's a shortcut that everyone uses for impersonating another human being. I always credited this technique to Droopy's brother, the late Daemon Spawn but everyone seems to do it now. I noticed specific three steps when Bahira was "impersonating" me the other day.

Step 1: You say, "Look at me, I'm (insert name)." This is an interesting strategy especially considering you're already engaged in a conversation with said person and you are usually NOT them.
Step 2: Bend your arms 90 degrees and rock them left and right repetitively as if you're.... walking??"
Step 3: Say what you're doing in this specific impersonation of the subject.

The end effect is something like this. "Look at me! I'm Chris!! I use big words like 'catharsis'!!!"

It's not really offensive if you know that it's fictional. I say actors should use this technique when portraying Jesus just to remind people that it's a movie that's bias by both actors and directors involved.

Don Cheadle: "Look at me!! I'm Jesus!! I'm doing Mary Magdelene."
Kiefer Sutherland: "Look at me! I'm Jesus! Someone asked me how to treat my fellow man so I shot him in the chest! Now I'm getting drunk and tackling the cross!"
50 Cent: "Look at me!! I'm Jesus!! I'm shooting Judas and holding my gun sideways!"

Could Jesus possibly take umbrage to that? It's obvious the director took some creativity. I always hoped Jesus had a sense of humour about himself. I mean, if he's super human he must have super humor no??? If not then this post was probably innapropriate. I think Jesus laughed though. Maybe he laughed soooo hard, he farted a little bit!!!

I choose to believe Jesus is more concerned that we're all so rotten to each other and not a movie or a silly blog post that we all know isn't true.

addendum: I've just been struck by lightning... I think that's God's way of saying he hearts this post.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

CGI = Computer Generated Idiocy

I thought this interview with Steve Carell was brilliant. The interviewer is asking him about his role in the CGI kids movie, Over the Hedge. So simple. He really know how to commit to a stupid rant. I really laughed.

What is not brilliant is Hollywood's obsession with these CGI movies. I mean, Over the Hedge is a cartoon about furry little animals doing stuff. This is like the 4th movie in a year to feature animals doing stuff. Madagascar, The Wild, this cheesiness. Enough already! But what's even more frustrating is the people they choose to voice the characters in these movies. I mean, it's a kids movie and they have Bruce Willis as the main voice? Bruce Willis as some kind of racoon? Bruce Willis has starred in more R-rated movies than anything else, I don't think kids give a damn. And I'm sure he doesn't really do a great job, he's not a voice actor and his voice isn't particularly remarkable. He's just some guy. William Shatner? Most kids probably don't know anything about captain Kirk. It's offensive.

Are 8 year old kids in the sandbox discussing the voice actors in this movie?

Lil Jimmy: Hey are you going to see Over the Hedge, guy?
Lil Marc: I don't know... Who's in it?
Lil Jimmy: Bruce Willis, Steve Carell...
Lil Marc: Who's Steve Carell?
Lil Jimmy: He was in 40 Year Old Virgin.
Lil Marc: What's a virgin?
Lil Jimmy: I think I just pooped in my pants...

I hope they're not trying to appeal to me by featuring all these actors. I say, if you're going to do an animated movie get voice actors from cartoons. All the voice actors in Futurama, the Simpsons can do incredible things with their voice (notice family guy voice actors aren't so versatile?). But these are funny people with funny voices.

I was talking to Real Dave last week and he made a very interesting point. While discussing this overkill of movies featuring roadkill, he said something I agreed with 100%. With all the resources they use to make these CGI movies, why don't they make some awesome action movies?? Like the Japanese Final Fantasy movie (not the american one with Ming Na, that sucked). But they could really make some incredible CGI action movies. They made a 5 minute CGI film for the Animatrix. Make it a full length picture with lots of action. If I imagine myself as a movie producer, I realize we have this technology the first thing that comes to mind is... Action??? Violence??? James Earl Jones as a dragon? Lawrence Fishburne as an evil wizard?? Cool voices behind cool characters. I wish I knew why a movie producer is commiting millions of dollars to make movies about squirrels, bugs, talking cars...That's an outrage!!! Hook me up with some action! Instead of fuzzy f**king animals 3 times a year.

I think kids movies are really going in a bad place. I think the era of kids movies was dominated by Robin Williams. He was in everything back in the day. I mean, I would go and see Hook, and think I'm seeing a big boy movie cuz it was live action. Then he does Aladdin, I recognize his voice, and I'd feel like a big boy cuz Robin Williams was in a live action movie too. Furthermore, Robin Wiliams did all sorts of brilliant things with his voice. He could impersonate anyone and he was funny. Bruce effing Willis??? Eff that... Just because something has syrop on it doesn't make it pancakes... Just because a movie is CGI, doesn't mean it's good.

Of course Wanda Sykes says Over the Hedge is the greatest movie ever made. Maybe I'll go see it.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Incredible and Influencial

I've been finishing ridiculously early in the lab and as you might expect the overwhelming freedom has lead me to indulge in some things that I'm not terribly proud of. Namely, today I watched Oprah at around 4pm (for as long as I could before falling into a deep sleep).

I was talking about Oprah the other day with someone at work. Just to fathom the power of this woman... She's supposedly worth 1.4 billion USD! Not only is she stinking rich, but people do whatever she says. Any book she features on her book club immediately goes to the best sellers list. It is believed that she cost the beef industry some 12 million dollars when she made an off-handed remark about being afraid of mad cows disease. I like this quote from Ben Shapiro of

"Oprah Winfrey is the most powerful woman in America. She decides what makes the New York Times best-seller lists. Her touchy-feely style sucks in audiences at the rate of 14 million viewers per day. But Oprah is far more than a cultural force -- she's a dangerous political force as well, a woman with unpredictable and mercurial attitudes toward the major issues of the day."

I can't even get people to watch certain movies that I find cool. I don't understand what it is about her. There's a kind of magic about her. I mean, today the show was about women who hate themselves. And the format of these shows is just ridiculous because you have some messed up woman sitting in between Oprah and a professional psychiatrist. Technically Oprah shouldn't have a goddamn say in the matter, she's sitting there because of her name alone.

But the funny thing is, you still want to believe everything she says. The psychiatrist became less and less relevant as time went on. By the end of the show I thought I was messed up to and wished that Oprah could fix me!!! "YOU'RE RIGHT OPRAH!!! WILLY'S BEEN A BAD FATHER!!! BOOHOOHOO!!!"

Some people have a gift what else can you say? Oprah's credibility in any of the topics she choses to discuss is irrelevant at this point. Even when she emphasizes her ignorance in a particular situation, people only half listen to the expert and later turn to Oprah and thank her, usually with tears streaming down their face.

It's kind of dangerous when you think about it. The media (including the internet) has replaced people's need to think. You don't have to be critical about the information coming to you. You just type in a question on line and you're bombarded with answers. You don't need to turn to religion, or the law... Oprah will tell you what's right and what's wrong. Tom Cruise will tell you why depression isn't a medical condition that requires treatment. It's so easy to be stupid with these people around. I'm not saying it's their fault that people are ignorant, but it doesn't help.

And besides the ease access to the information they provide us, they dazzle us with they're glorious lifestyles. Who needs credibility when you got bank like dat??Oprah's beautiful homes and love of Lays potato chips and fashionable clothing... I want that!!! I want it all!!! Even just a taste of Oprah's life is euphoric. Have you ever seen the looks on people's faces when they realize they 're on Oprah's "Favourite Thing's" episode? They look like they just won the lottery! And in many ways they have! In 2004 she gave each member of the audience (276 people) Pontiac Sedans!! That's insane!

One day I'll have to go to the Oprah Winfrey Show in the off chance that I'll get hooked up with one of her favourite things. Knowing my luck I'll get some boring episode where she gives away books.

Oprah: "If you look under your chair you'll notice a copy of the book we've been discussing! "My Tears Fall Upon my Saggy Sad Bosom: A woman's struggle with Anorexia".
Me: "Saggy tear soaked bosoms?? I want a car!! I'll never forgive you for this Oprah!!"

I wonder if Oprah ever wants to test her power??? "I wonder how many people would try to kill the President if I told them to?? I wonder how many stay at home moms would join the army if I told them to??? Could I get thousands of people to jump off a bridge???" I guess it's a good thing I'm not Oprah... yet.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Maury Poovich

Jbo was telling me recently about a Colbert interview of Connie Cheung. When asked how she would describe her husband's line of work she responded that he was an "investigative journalist." Her husband is of course media darling Maury Povich and his brand of investigative journalism is somewhat unique. Sometimes, instead of going to work at a decent hour I like to watch a few minutes of the Maury Show. For those of you who don't know him, he's like a poor man's Springer.

Every time I've watched the show he's basically conducting paternity tests. Some very charming young women come on stage and explain that they've given birth to a child and 1 of a possible 10 men could be the father. And the father comes out, curses out the woman and makes some feeble arguments about how the child couldn't POSSIBLY be his. "Look at dem eyes.... They're TOTALLY different."

It's a very educational show. I for one learned that no matter how ugly, ignorant, fat and generally repulsive a woman is, there's always some guy who would gladly do her if she's easy enough. I wonder if these guys tell there friends about it the next day? Certainly nothing to be bragging about.

Some guy: Hey dude... I GOT SOME LAST NIGHT!!! HIGH FIVE!!!
Dude's friend: Sweet! What was she like???
Some guy: Oh... umm... she's like any other girl.
Dude's friend: Was she hot?
Some guy: Well... she was slightly... overweight. Not like... Fat... But... you know... fat. And ugly.
Dude's friend: Mmm... Well, I'm sure she had a nice personality.
Some guy: I guess... I mean... she's really annoying. And dishonest. I think she's married or something. And wow is she ignorant.
Dude's friend: Well... No high five for you. BAd!! BAD SOME GUY!!

Following this the guy gets the call from Maury. "You remember that fat, ignorant, married slut you did 9 months ago? You're 1 of a possible 10 men who may be the father!"

Then they go on the show. It's the saddest thing in the world. I mean it's bad enough to be cheating on your significant others, but to bring kids into your messed up lives is unforgivable. One episode I saw included a flash back of several episodes where the woman believed 1 of 25 men could have been the father of her child! No joke! And during the course of the show's run Maury had tested 8 men. This episode was lucky #9! The guy was some young kid who really didn't know any better but said that, if the child was his, he would step up and do his duty. And all the while on the screen is a picture of a beautiful child who is too young and innocent to know how sad and unnavailable her parents are. And one day that poor child might become the same way.

Anyway as it turns out, #9 wasn't the father either, sending the mother into a hysterical fit where she ran back stage and wept bitterly.

The reason why I say Maury is a poor man's Springer, is because as far as I know, Maury doesn't sign off with a final thought. If I were him, every episode I would say, "In our country there are millions of hobags like these popping out children every day! Many of them have boyfriends already, many of them are engaged, married... Many have children. You probably have no romantic interest in them but if you're the man desperate enough to want a piece of that... Please, have the good sense to use a condom. Hell use several condoms, spermicides and force feed that ho of yours a whole mess of birth control pills. Hey, don't stop there! Go for the vasectomy/hystorectomy! No child deserves either of you as parents. Thanks for watching!"