Thursday, May 04, 2006

Maury Poovich

Jbo was telling me recently about a Colbert interview of Connie Cheung. When asked how she would describe her husband's line of work she responded that he was an "investigative journalist." Her husband is of course media darling Maury Povich and his brand of investigative journalism is somewhat unique. Sometimes, instead of going to work at a decent hour I like to watch a few minutes of the Maury Show. For those of you who don't know him, he's like a poor man's Springer.

Every time I've watched the show he's basically conducting paternity tests. Some very charming young women come on stage and explain that they've given birth to a child and 1 of a possible 10 men could be the father. And the father comes out, curses out the woman and makes some feeble arguments about how the child couldn't POSSIBLY be his. "Look at dem eyes.... They're TOTALLY different."

It's a very educational show. I for one learned that no matter how ugly, ignorant, fat and generally repulsive a woman is, there's always some guy who would gladly do her if she's easy enough. I wonder if these guys tell there friends about it the next day? Certainly nothing to be bragging about.

Some guy: Hey dude... I GOT SOME LAST NIGHT!!! HIGH FIVE!!!
Dude's friend: Sweet! What was she like???
Some guy: Oh... umm... she's like any other girl.
Dude's friend: Was she hot?
Some guy: Well... she was slightly... overweight. Not like... Fat... But... you know... fat. And ugly.
Dude's friend: Mmm... Well, I'm sure she had a nice personality.
Some guy: I guess... I mean... she's really annoying. And dishonest. I think she's married or something. And wow is she ignorant.
Dude's friend: Well... No high five for you. BAd!! BAD SOME GUY!!

Following this the guy gets the call from Maury. "You remember that fat, ignorant, married slut you did 9 months ago? You're 1 of a possible 10 men who may be the father!"

Then they go on the show. It's the saddest thing in the world. I mean it's bad enough to be cheating on your significant others, but to bring kids into your messed up lives is unforgivable. One episode I saw included a flash back of several episodes where the woman believed 1 of 25 men could have been the father of her child! No joke! And during the course of the show's run Maury had tested 8 men. This episode was lucky #9! The guy was some young kid who really didn't know any better but said that, if the child was his, he would step up and do his duty. And all the while on the screen is a picture of a beautiful child who is too young and innocent to know how sad and unnavailable her parents are. And one day that poor child might become the same way.

Anyway as it turns out, #9 wasn't the father either, sending the mother into a hysterical fit where she ran back stage and wept bitterly.

The reason why I say Maury is a poor man's Springer, is because as far as I know, Maury doesn't sign off with a final thought. If I were him, every episode I would say, "In our country there are millions of hobags like these popping out children every day! Many of them have boyfriends already, many of them are engaged, married... Many have children. You probably have no romantic interest in them but if you're the man desperate enough to want a piece of that... Please, have the good sense to use a condom. Hell use several condoms, spermicides and force feed that ho of yours a whole mess of birth control pills. Hey, don't stop there! Go for the vasectomy/hystorectomy! No child deserves either of you as parents. Thanks for watching!"

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