Sunday, May 21, 2006

Look at me!! I'm Jesus!!

Not too surprisingly, people are protesting about the release of the Da Vinci Code, a fictional novel that people have arbitrarily decided to take as fact. Ever wonder what Jesus thinks of all of this?

I mean really. I sometimes feel bad when living people are portrayed by actors. How did Muhammad Ali feel when Will Smith decided to play him? It must come off as a mockery at that point. But I can just imagine Jesus up there getting annoyed, "How is that guy me??? First of all... I'm black... Second of all I have a much more pronounced jawline."

Remember when the Passion of the Christ came out? There was some story to the effect that the camera man was struck by lightning TWICE!!! The shocking thing (no pun intended) is that Mel Gibson took that as a sign that everything was going well. That God (who exists by the way) was pleased with what they were doing. How can being struck by lightning be a good thing? If someone's doing a good job do you try to kill them twice? Kudos to Mel on a very convenient and farfetched interpretation of the supernatural event. Here's what I think was going down.

God: "Have they stopped making that movie about my son yet?"
Lightning Angel: "No, Sir."
God: "Did you strike the guy with lightning???"
Lightning Angel: "Yeah...TWICE in fact. It only seems to have strengthenned their resolve."
God: "Fine... Turn up the juice and strike him again."
Lightning Angel: "Ummm.. Sir, you should know that a higher voltage will likely kill..."
God: "I said... Turn up the F**KING JUICE!!!"
Angel goes to lightning machine, turns a comically huge dial and the machine emits a frightenning hum.

Back on earth.

Mel Gibson: "Okay, now Jesus you turn around to the Camera and say, "I know Kung Fu." Then Pontius Pilate you say, "Show me!!!""
Camera Man looks warily at the sky before getting his ass blasted again:"AAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"
Mel Gibson: "Thanks God! I'll keep up the good work! Jesus... Are you thinking what I'm thinking?? Leopard print thong????"
Camera Man *ZAPPED*: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

I guess I wouldn't really mind being portrayed in a movie. Once you realize it's just fiction. All in good fun. I know actors like to take themselves seriously, but for years now I've realized there's a shortcut that everyone uses for impersonating another human being. I always credited this technique to Droopy's brother, the late Daemon Spawn but everyone seems to do it now. I noticed specific three steps when Bahira was "impersonating" me the other day.

Step 1: You say, "Look at me, I'm (insert name)." This is an interesting strategy especially considering you're already engaged in a conversation with said person and you are usually NOT them.
Step 2: Bend your arms 90 degrees and rock them left and right repetitively as if you're.... walking??"
Step 3: Say what you're doing in this specific impersonation of the subject.

The end effect is something like this. "Look at me! I'm Chris!! I use big words like 'catharsis'!!!"

It's not really offensive if you know that it's fictional. I say actors should use this technique when portraying Jesus just to remind people that it's a movie that's bias by both actors and directors involved.

Don Cheadle: "Look at me!! I'm Jesus!! I'm doing Mary Magdelene."
Kiefer Sutherland: "Look at me! I'm Jesus! Someone asked me how to treat my fellow man so I shot him in the chest! Now I'm getting drunk and tackling the cross!"
50 Cent: "Look at me!! I'm Jesus!! I'm shooting Judas and holding my gun sideways!"

Could Jesus possibly take umbrage to that? It's obvious the director took some creativity. I always hoped Jesus had a sense of humour about himself. I mean, if he's super human he must have super humor no??? If not then this post was probably innapropriate. I think Jesus laughed though. Maybe he laughed soooo hard, he farted a little bit!!!

I choose to believe Jesus is more concerned that we're all so rotten to each other and not a movie or a silly blog post that we all know isn't true.

addendum: I've just been struck by lightning... I think that's God's way of saying he hearts this post.

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