Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Movie Title

Is it just me or have the titles to movies become increasingly simplistic? These days movies go for the simplest, 1 word title that would best describe the movie. There is no irony, they're never tongue in cheek. In the near future we have a movie coming out called 'Buried', about a guy who is buried. There's 'Faster' starring the Rock. I imagine the Rock does stuff faster than one normally would. At least there must be some kind of acceleration in the film. Just now I saw the trailer for 'Devil'. I think it's about Rosie Odonnel. And remember Phone Booth? About a guy in a phone booth, being held hostage?

I wonder if they come up with the story first, or just a title. We tried it the other day at lunch. The movie is called 'Kayak.' The trailer would be a guy kayaking and then a cell phone would ring. Anthony Hopkins would be on the other end. "Tyler, if you would look underneath the blanket in your kayak..." And then the guy, (Sam Worthington I guess) would look under the blanket and find a bomb. Anthony Hopkins would then explain, "If you stop paddling, then the Kayak will explode... Also, the Kayak is heading toward a waterfall."

This theatres... kayking... is.... very dangerous...

Then Sam Worthington would cry out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" and Anthony Hopkins would say, "Just keep paddling for now..."

The ending is obvious. Anthony Hopkins wants revenge on Sam Worthington because as a child, Hopkins was sexually abused by Worthington's dad who was a catholic priest.
Rated R for nudity, coarse language and a troubling scene featuring a grizzly bear.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Master Chef

I don't often turn on the television and watch whatever's on, but I just finished watching Master Chef. I didn't think I could ever enjoy watching a compettitive, cooking reality show, but it was freaking tense. I'm not a particularly ambitious person, so to see people excelling at anything is awesome to me. I love food, I even like cooking, but I can't imagine putting the time and effort that these people have invested into their craft, to be an excellent chef.

There are people crying and freaking out. "Ooooh snap!!! Did he just put salt on a soufflee???" Yes... he did. And I'm wondering... Is that bad?

I'm told Gordon Ramsay is... someone I should know. Watching the show he's the cooking world's answer to Simon Cowell, an obnoxious, mercurial Brit who doesn't hesitate to make people feel like garbage for dramatic effect. One of the other judges on the show simply said of a dish, "This is bad..... It's bad as a dessert.... It would be bad as breakfast." Then he threw his fork down with no small measure of contempt.

OUCH! But i was hooked from that moment on. It's fun to live in a world where everyone has different passions. I mean, no matter how many hours, how many years you put into becoming the ultimate chef, the product is so transient. If there's one thing the perfect soufflee and a Big Mac have in common, it's that after they're eaten, their destiny is the toilet. A reeking, brown log riding waves of sewage until the end of time... Or at least until a rat eats it. Is it just me, or can I be just as happy after eating a Big Mac trio for 8$, as I could eating a 100$ carefully prepared masterpiece? Not to say I don't like eating fancy from time to time... It's just one of those oddities of our culture. There are people in this world paid to harshly judge how carefully ingredients are put together on a few ounces of food, and other people who would be lucky to eat that amount of food in a week. Just a thought.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Rice, potatoes and homos

Last Thursday was fun. On my way to lunch I smelled gas. Apparently, while building the foundation for the new Genomics Center at Concordia, the construction workers hit a gas line. It smelled a lot like the gas used to light our Bunsen burners meaning it was potentially explosive gas. A fleet of fire trucks and a few cop cars showed up and soon the entire school was closed off! With my laptop and all my work stuck inside!

It was a gift... Like a snow day when you're a kid... Or when you're digging through trash and find a hot dog that's only half eaten. There's nothing like an impromptu day off. So Hayline and I went to a lebanese restaurant called Amir. I giggled to myself and pointed out the menu to Hayline. "Look Hayline! They serve Rice, Potatoes and Homos with every combo!" (Riz, Patates et Homos). Clearly someone tried to translate humus into french and in a fortuitous turn of events forgot the 'u'.

Me: "I'll have a mixed plate."
Lebanese guy: "Would you like some homos with that???"
Me: "No, thank you."
Lebanese guy: "There's nothing like the taste of homos in your mouth!"
Me: "No, I'm good."
Lebanese guy: "Don't be a homosphobe!! It's a delicious, creamy treat in the mouth!!!"

Then I secretly go off and dip all my food in delicious homos sauce, "I wish I knew how to quit you, Homos..."

What's really funny is... who puts hummus on the menu? Isn't that like putting ketchup or mustard? Besides, they didn't mention that the combo also comes with garlic sauce. It's almost as if putting Homos all over the menus was deliberate.

Speaking of Homos, I got a chance to flick through the channels watching daytime television. Has anyone seen the show Chris and Steve? It's a talk show featuring two gay guys. The hilight of that was after examining which flowers are most conducive to feng sui in the house, the pair (at this point wearing matching aprons with their names on it) were decorating a piece of wall with some kind of lacker. Gingerly holding their tools, one of them messed up the project, and ran off with his hands on his hips, pouting and whining like a child with a stereotypical lisp. Hayline then asked, "How do you know they're gay?" I don't know, just a hunch.

We then watched the brilliant show, "Community", where the Black guy confirmed my suspicion which is that Black people are allowed to be homophobic. (Nuff Respek, Isaiah Washington!)

Anyway, keep up the good work Concordia Construction workers. We have a four day weekend coming up, care to make it 5? Just don't light any matches near the next "accident".

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Apologies that appall (A word about Woods)

I'm not always up to date on the news, but what qualifies as news is often outrageous. I refer particularly to celebrities apologizing for some horrendous thing that they've done. In the last few years Michael Richards, Mel Gibson and Isaiah Washington have all had to go on national television and explain why they used offensive language. But with the exception of Michael Richards, these offenses were done in private, why should they have to apologize to the world? Also, what possible sincerity could be in such an apology for people who's career seems to be on the line. I mean, what they do in public is worth millions of dollars to them, of course they'd apologize!

Which brings me to Tiger Woods. Why in the world does he have to make a public statement to me because he cheated on his wife? Why does the entire world have to get in on this circus? What bothers me more than anything is the hypocrisy of it all. The western world is hardly a country that values fidelity in marriage. At least not enough to justify this outlash against Tiger.

Surely you've all have heard of Ashley Madison, the online dating service for people looking to have an affair. Their slogan is, "Life is short, have an affair!" There are allegedly 5.3 million users on that site. Most surveys you read will say that 22% of people admit to being unfaithful to their current partner and about 50% will admit to having been unfaithful at some point in their life. That means that among the people who have an opinion about Tiger Woods, possibly half of them have already cheated on someone, they just had the luxury of dealing with it in private.

So what makes Tiger Woods, a golfer, subject to such a severe backlash? Many people have suggested racism may play a role. Seems too simple to me. Bill Cosby and Michael Jordan come to mind as Black people who seemed to fly under the radar during their affairs. Hugh Grant, Bill Clinton, they all had some media attention while involved in gross affairs. Is it because Tiger Woods is a Black man with a white wife? Is it because the women he cheated with were ugly? Or is it all of that, combined with the fact that he gets paid billions of dollars to play golf all day? That would certainly make a racist angry, wouldn't it?

Maybe he owes his friends and family an apology. Certainly his wife and kids. Maybe if he were a pastor? But a golfer? Tiger Woods said in his public statement, "I thought I could get away with it! I'm rich!" This sadly is the most reasonable thing he could have said! It's the most honest thing he could have said, and all things being equal, he probably should have "gotten away with it."

Don't get me wrong, in my opinion, infidelity is one of the most despicable things someone can be involved in. But it's not that that dissapoints me about Tiger. It's seeing him go up there with his tail between his legs as if he has to answer to the world for doing something that the world seems to be okay with. This was Tiger's chance to really do something great. The man has billions of dollars, you know what I say? Hold your press conference, go up to that podium, take a few steps left, pull down your pants and invite the entire planet to kiss your big, black, billionaire backside! (Ten dollars a smooch, 1 cheek per person, no tongue please.) Let he who is without sin, give said backside a swift kick but clearly very few people in the world would qualify for that. So I say pucker up!