Thursday, March 24, 2005

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Today...

I got home today and decided to watch some TV knowing that eventually Scrubs would come on. I haven't watched TV in a while and I noticed a few things.

1) I hate commercials for the Apprentice. They're all the same. They try to describe one of the more contrived challenges on the show. Then, even worse, Donald Trump says something truly dull and irrelevant and they make it seem like he's just changed the world.

This week on the Apprentice, can the team sell their own organs on Wallstreet?!? AND the most shocking boardroom ever.

Donald: "I should really get my prostate examined...... You're fired...."

:-(

2) I hate Walmart commercials. I've been watching them for so long I never realized that they actually just show this smiley face destroying signs with numbers on them. So you see a price of 130$ then the smiley face does his finishing move on it, and it becomes, 127.43$. But, they aren't even correlating that with any product. What is their freaking point?

130$ is more than 127.43$. And that's a good deal regardless of the product or service being provided.

And finally 3) Scrubs was a rerun.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Eff da PoPo!!!

Recently a colleage of mine was ranting and raving about how much she hated cops. Needless to say her ire was raised by something she had done wrong so I asked, "What did you do?"

She began her story by saying, "Well... I was going about 10 km an hour and..."
I cut her off immediately, "Oh, let me guess. You burned a stop sign!"

"Yeah, well... I was only going 10 km an hour! Cops suck... they're bored and have nothing better to do than give me a ticket!!!..." What followed was a very disturbing monologue about how much she hated cops. I couldn't stifle my laugh when she asked, "Chris, are there any rap songs about people who hate cops?"

"Duh!" Was she joking? Rap songs fall into 1 of 3 categories. Songs about running from the cops, being killed by the cops or performing acts that will lead to one of the former.

There's "F*** the Police" by Daz Dillinger, "F**k the Police" by Ice Cube, "F**k the Police" by Bone Thugs in Harmony, "F**k the Police" by Dead Presidents, "F**k the Police" by Dope. Oh, and let's not forget the irreproachable Public Enemy song, cleverly titled, "F**k the Police". There's another song... I can't remember the title. But I remember the rapper insisting that I MOTHA F**K THE POLICE, an original take on an old classic. I think the song was called, "I Heart the Police", but I could be wrong.

So that night on my way home I listenned to some songs about rappers and their relationships with POPO! Among them was "Crooked Cop", from the Training Day Soundtrack. That song is the jokes, because it's one of the few rap songs where the guy claims he didn't do anything. A rapper with real street creed will always admit to being a criminal, and then boast about how wily he is to always make bail.

You'll love "ATF", by DMX. Trust me, download it. The whole song is a narrative of the ATF coming to his door and him running out through the fake tunnel under his house, running down the street to an escape vehicle he parked there "just in case". A heated police chase ensuses, where the cops hit some woman and finally shoot DMX to death. What's great about this song is the sound effects are part of the lyrics. The song starts off with DMX bellowing, "BOOM BOOM BOOM! OPEN THE DOOR! ATF!!!" Then there's my favourit lyric, "Whoop! Whoop! Damn, they're back on our a$$! (the cops) Put your foot back on the gas, step on it fast!... "

And of course, " HEY LOOK OUT!!!! RRRRRR (car screeching), DAMN, CAME SO CLOSE! You almost hit that b**ch! (Like you said n**ga, almost)." The whole thing is interspliced with dirge bells and police siren noises, and gunshots. That's art. What I never understood is why rappers don't make themselves seem more dashing. It's always a desperate messy getaway with them. They cast panicked looks over their shoulder, they jump fences... When James Bond is escaping somehing, he makes it look so easy. I guess rappers like DMX are all about realism.

There's "Gangsta Party" with Tupac and Snoop Dogg. The video to that is great. Both rappers are in court at one point with their super hot lawyer. They're throwing papers at the prosecution, rapping and dancing the whole time. They're day in court is more fun than my day at work. Then there's "Hypnotize", where Biggie is making a getaway with his convertible driving in reverse. Despite the obvious disadvantages inherent to driving a car in reverse, he manages to escape. Furthermore, he shows up, only fashionably late for a party complete with hot women and mermaids in the living room. Me... I take the bus to get home! Then I watch Star Trek DVD's.

The moral of this story is, breaking the law is fun and a great way to get women. Rappers have known that since the dawn of time when the first cavemen had to get away from dinosaur riding policemen. It may seem strange to you and I that they glorify being hunted by tenacious, racist and often savage cops, but when you consider that most rappers are actually being hunted by other rappers, you realize that the cops are really a cake walk. Biggie and Tupac basically killed each other, right? So, a heated police chase is more like a warmup before the real thing, when some psycho, rapper rival gets out of jail to bust some caps! Sad but true. If you checked your "msn news" today, you'd see that 50 cent and the Game were involved in some shoot out recently. Ridiculous! They're rich! Why don't they enjoy their money instead of being crazy gangstas? I'll never understand. Oh well, at least it makes for good songs.

Monday, March 07, 2005

NEW MASTA IN CHINA!!!

By now there are at least 3 brand spanking new Masta In China Posts!

Why now? more than half a year after the fact? Meh... Cuz I don't have much to say these days... Unless you want to hear about my day of counting Yeast cells!

Leave messages and remember ... the latest posts come first and everytime you click on one, you lose all the subsequent posts on the list... I don't know why. To get a fresh list of the posts on the right (where it says previous posts) click the MastaInChina Logo!

And what's this? I've pimped my blog too??? Has Masta gone nuts... No... Masta has gone nowhere.

What's trackback?

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

New Lingo: Jokes and Dirts

You guys down with the latest lingo? Do you say good things are Jokes, and bad things are dirts? I had to show Pam the ropes tonight.

pam says:
what can i change my name to? pam is boring

pam says:
not me i mean... the name "pam" as my msn messgae

Masta says:
Pam is...

Masta says:
the..

Masta says:
Jokes.

Masta says:
Pam is Jokes.

Masta says:
there.

Masta says:
Or...

Masta says:
Jam is Pokes.

Masta says:
no?

Masta says:
YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT IT????????

pam says:
thats lame

Masta says:
your lame.

Masta says:
The Jokes, is the new thing that everyone's saying.

Masta says:
It means, it's good or fun.

Masta says:
You're just not with it.

Masta says:
example..."Wow, Pam told the most hilarious joke the other day. Pam is the Jokes!"

Masta says:
GET WITH IT!

Masta says:
Or if something is bad, you say it's dirts.

Masta says:
example... "The other day Pam kicked me in the groin and stole my wallet. Pam is dirts."

pam says:
hehehe...chris is the dirts

pam says:
heheh

Masta says:
blah.

Masta says:
"yo mama had us all over for some sweet home cookin the other day! Yo mama is jokes!"

pam says:
heheh.... ur weird.

Masta says:
Am I?

Masta says:
Or am I jokes?????

pam says:
ur dirt

pam says:
hehehe.....

Masta says:
dirts...

From there the conversation deteriorated slightly.


pam says:
sorry...my bad

Chris is Dirts! pam is jokes says (Pam):
chirs is apple

Chris is Dirts! pam is jokes says:
chris is sand

Chris is Dirts! pam is jokes says:
chris is pebble

Chris is Dirts! pam is jokes says:
hhee...well...dirt is on the groundso are sand and pebbles.

Chris is Dirts! pam is jokes says:
hehehehhe

Chris is Dirts! pam is jokes says:
im hilarious

Pam is Dirts! Chris is jokes says (Masta):
Your obviously dirts.

Now you ALL know the Lingo... Use it wisely...