Eff da PoPo!!!

Recently a colleage of mine was ranting and raving about how much she hated cops. Needless to say her ire was raised by something she had done wrong so I asked, "What did you do?"

She began her story by saying, "Well... I was going about 10 km an hour and..."
I cut her off immediately, "Oh, let me guess. You burned a stop sign!"

"Yeah, well... I was only going 10 km an hour! Cops suck... they're bored and have nothing better to do than give me a ticket!!!..." What followed was a very disturbing monologue about how much she hated cops. I couldn't stifle my laugh when she asked, "Chris, are there any rap songs about people who hate cops?"

"Duh!" Was she joking? Rap songs fall into 1 of 3 categories. Songs about running from the cops, being killed by the cops or performing acts that will lead to one of the former.

There's "F*** the Police" by Daz Dillinger, "F**k the Police" by Ice Cube, "F**k the Police" by Bone Thugs in Harmony, "F**k the Police" by Dead Presidents, "F**k the Police" by Dope. Oh, and let's not forget the irreproachable Public Enemy song, cleverly titled, "F**k the Police". There's another song... I can't remember the title. But I remember the rapper insisting that I MOTHA F**K THE POLICE, an original take on an old classic. I think the song was called, "I Heart the Police", but I could be wrong.

So that night on my way home I listenned to some songs about rappers and their relationships with POPO! Among them was "Crooked Cop", from the Training Day Soundtrack. That song is the jokes, because it's one of the few rap songs where the guy claims he didn't do anything. A rapper with real street creed will always admit to being a criminal, and then boast about how wily he is to always make bail.

You'll love "ATF", by DMX. Trust me, download it. The whole song is a narrative of the ATF coming to his door and him running out through the fake tunnel under his house, running down the street to an escape vehicle he parked there "just in case". A heated police chase ensuses, where the cops hit some woman and finally shoot DMX to death. What's great about this song is the sound effects are part of the lyrics. The song starts off with DMX bellowing, "BOOM BOOM BOOM! OPEN THE DOOR! ATF!!!" Then there's my favourit lyric, "Whoop! Whoop! Damn, they're back on our a$$! (the cops) Put your foot back on the gas, step on it fast!... "

And of course, " HEY LOOK OUT!!!! RRRRRR (car screeching), DAMN, CAME SO CLOSE! You almost hit that b**ch! (Like you said n**ga, almost)." The whole thing is interspliced with dirge bells and police siren noises, and gunshots. That's art. What I never understood is why rappers don't make themselves seem more dashing. It's always a desperate messy getaway with them. They cast panicked looks over their shoulder, they jump fences... When James Bond is escaping somehing, he makes it look so easy. I guess rappers like DMX are all about realism.

There's "Gangsta Party" with Tupac and Snoop Dogg. The video to that is great. Both rappers are in court at one point with their super hot lawyer. They're throwing papers at the prosecution, rapping and dancing the whole time. They're day in court is more fun than my day at work. Then there's "Hypnotize", where Biggie is making a getaway with his convertible driving in reverse. Despite the obvious disadvantages inherent to driving a car in reverse, he manages to escape. Furthermore, he shows up, only fashionably late for a party complete with hot women and mermaids in the living room. Me... I take the bus to get home! Then I watch Star Trek DVD's.

The moral of this story is, breaking the law is fun and a great way to get women. Rappers have known that since the dawn of time when the first cavemen had to get away from dinosaur riding policemen. It may seem strange to you and I that they glorify being hunted by tenacious, racist and often savage cops, but when you consider that most rappers are actually being hunted by other rappers, you realize that the cops are really a cake walk. Biggie and Tupac basically killed each other, right? So, a heated police chase is more like a warmup before the real thing, when some psycho, rapper rival gets out of jail to bust some caps! Sad but true. If you checked your "msn news" today, you'd see that 50 cent and the Game were involved in some shoot out recently. Ridiculous! They're rich! Why don't they enjoy their money instead of being crazy gangstas? I'll never understand. Oh well, at least it makes for good songs.