Thursday, July 28, 2005

Ketchup.... Catsup?

Yesterday morning I got out of bed and went to make myself some breakfast when I noticed I only had end pieces left on the bread I bought last week. "Mom, we're out of bread," I bellowed realizing that there was no more mom... If I wanted more bread I would have to... gulp... buy some. I looked at the end pieces in the loaf and considered skipping breakfast. Then with a bitter curse I ate the end piece!!! I never eat the end piece! "END PIECE!!! DAMN YOU END PIECE!!! Damn you all to hell!!!"

I always enjoyed doing the groceries. But I feel somewhat overwhelmed when I walk in to a grocery store. Every time I go in it feels like the first time. Hundreds of thousands of products each one begging to be dumped into my cart. And all the people.. and the lights... I tried to recall what things I absolutely needed. Bread of course. Milk. Some kind of lunch meat.

Lots of strange things go through my head when I'm grocery shopping. For example I saw 2 boxes of Mr. Christie cookies for 5 dollars. I already had a box of cookies at home, but remembering how Vrej, Dave and Mo ripped through my junk food on the weekend, I figured I would need a refresher should the scenario repeat itself this week. I now have 3 boxes of cookies, cake-mix and popcorn in my cupboard.

Milk... I never really paid too much attention to the percentage of the milk until Vrej pointed out that what I was drinking was 3.25 percent. He sounded horrified, "You drink 3.25% Milk???" so this week I bought a lower percentage. Then I spent about 5 minutes deciding whether to buy butter or margarine. Hot dogs? Yoghurt? Why is that lady touching my cart? Mmm.. delicious clementines... grapes...

And after all that you still go home and realize you've forgotten something. I openned my cupboard in despair and beheld the two unopenned cans of tuna I had bought the previous week. They will remain unopenned as I have no can-openner. Stay tuned for next week when MastaCSG purchases a tool with which to unleash the awesome power of tuna fish.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Remember Shame?

The moment the temperature goes up a few degrees, girls start taking their clothes off. Nothing new there. What I think is more recent, is the idea that anyone can strut around in revealing clothing. This is not the case. If you have man teats, I don't care if it's a little humid. Put on a goddamn shirt, for all of our sakes.

For example, the other day I saw a young lady (probably very young) wearing a charming little backless number. At least it would have been charming if not for the fact that ripples of fat were wrapped around the straps. And what's the deal with fat girls wearing hip huggers? It's supposed to look sexy. Is it just me or is a fountain of fat oozing out from tight jeans not that sexy.

Call me shallow, but I miss the days of good old fashionned shame. I don't understand why fat girls insist on dressing like skanks. Be ashamed. You sicken me with your blubber. Only Jabba the Hutt has the right to flaunt his corpulence.

I guess my friend Min said it best.

Masta: There's a girl in my class with the last name Ho. I assumed she was related to your friend, Celine Ho.
Min: Just cuz her last name is Ho, doesn't mean they're related. There are lots of Hos around.
Masta: Amen to that...

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

My new "digs"

So I've moved out into my own crib. MAD MAD props, to J-bo, Marie-Eve, Rezaul and my cousin Chad. This move, involving about 40 boxes, various furniture, a trip to Cote-st Luc and three flights of stairs took from 9am to 11am. Thanks guys.

I enjoy the peace of being home alone. And I'm nearer to school which is also great. Though the other day I missed my bus and did something foolish. I took another bus to the orange line to connect with another bus that concievably would get me to school faster. Anyway, that ended up taking an hour instead of the usual 10 minutes. And I can't remember ever being on a bus with more old people. It was like taking a ferry ride down the River Styx.

Hard Core Greggophiles will have to come see the place at some point. Board Games and Poker to be played. Sites to be seen... Stay tuned...

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Sales Pitch

For those of you who haven't heard, I'm moving into my own Swinging Shagadellic Sanctuary this Saturday! It should be interesting.

It's already interesting. I find myself thinking about things that I never had to consider before. Things in my house like food, clean clothes, microwaves, chairs.... It never occured to me that these things don't just materialize ot of thin air. Food has to be cooked.... clean clothes are actually derived from dirty clothes after a process known as washing them.

And chairs... well it turns out those have to be purchased! So this weekend I went with my dad to pick up some sofas at a place on Notre Dame street. This is after dissapointing trips to the much hyped ML which in my opinion has some of the ugliest furniture I've ever seen. Anyway, this place on Notre Dame street had a really nice couch. My dad and I were trying to haggle the guy to give us a deal that was beyond amazing.

Things got funny when the guy asks if my dad and I were from Jamaica. "No, we're not from Jamaica." Then the guy says, "My wife is from Jamaica!" I looked at my dad, "I don't see what this has to do with the sofas..."

Anyway, the salesman, a portly white guy with hair that was more than just a little askew, went behind his counter and got a picture of his wife. It turns out his wife is a super hot black woman. At which point I was trying to figure out how he got such a good looking wife and before I knew it! His trick had worked. Haggling decreased... The salesman's creed increased. And I bought the sofa. I still got an amazing deal. Sofa, loveseat, bed frame, matress and boxspring for 875$ taxes and delivery included.

But my thoughts still linger on how that chubby dude got such an amazing wife. Did he help her get her green card? Or maybe it's all just a ruse. Maybe when brown people show up in the store, he shows pictures of brown ladies. Maybe when Chinese people come into the store he shows them pictures of hot Chinese women and says that they're his wife. Well played salesguy... well played...

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

So wrong...

It was brought to my attention that Angelina Jolie was going to adopt another child. It was also brought to my attention that her current son wanted a black brother! I wonder why? Does Angelina Jolie expose her son to the latest in black entertainment... 50 cent videos and what not? He probably just thinks black people are cool. I would expect a son of Angelina to be so wise.

I wonder how you qualify to be adopted by Angelina Jolie one of the hottest women on earth. I can just see a line up of black guys from around the world waiting to audition. I'm sure that Mike Epps, star of the box office smash Honeymooners would be first in line.

Mike Epps: "So what? Do I have to sing a song or something?"
Angelina: "You're a little old aren't you?"
Mike Epps: "This sounds like discrimination to me..."
Angelina: "Alright well... say something cute..."
Mike Epps: "I want to have sex with you..."
Angelina: "NEXT!!!"

Alfonso Ribeiro: "You have a nice chest!"
Angelina: "NEXT!!!"

OJ Simpson: "You're one white woman I would consider not killing!"
Angelina: "NEXT!!!"

Al Roker: "I've already seen you naked in that movie... So at least it won't be wierd."
Angelina: "NEXT!!!"

MastaCSG: "I require breast feeding."
Angelina: "Mmm... I wouldn't be much of a mother if I didn't breast feed my sexy black son. Alright, you're hired! I mean... adopted."

Wow.... what a life... I could be Anglina Jolie's adoptive son... With benefits!!! SICK!!! in so many ways...