Saturday, August 28, 2004

Masta in China-Part 1:Yup!! Good to go!!!!

So, the obvious question, and the one I was asked most frequently is, Why? Why would a black guy, who can't speak Chinese, go to China alone??? I don't really have a good answer, resulting in many people speculating that I was up to no good. People concluded that I would either come back with a wife, or a disease. I have returned with neither. Or both!!! You can decide after the most epic event in blog history hits your modems!!!! Masta in China is a multi part blog experience that will change the way you look at Blogs forever!!!

The trip starts off in the air port. The trip there included stops to Chicago, Tokyo and finally my destination in Beijing. The flight to Chicago was uneventful. I chat it up with the girl next to me a little bit.

The flight to Tokyo was a horrific contrast. Instead of sitting next to a cute girl, I was seperated from an obese white guy with a taste for airline food. After eating a bag of crunchy... glossy... nasty stuff, dubiously marked, "delicious food" My stomach wasn't feeling so hot. But the "gentleman" next to me proceeded to turn the "delicious food" into methane gas. I can only conclude he was turning it into methane because his farts were not human. They definately smelled like bovine farts and I had 13 hours to contemplate this. "This is not a man... This is a cow-creature,"I told the stewardess. I thought I should kill him... Just stab him Gangsta- like to stop the mad air pollution. Don't judge me!!! 13 hours with that smell and you would at least consider murder!!! What would the stewardesses say?

Stewardess: "Why you stab american cow man?"
Me: "He was farting near me during my vacation."
Stewardess giggles uncontrolably! "Fart!!! That's an american word!!!"

And that pretty much sets the tone for most of my trip. Gross bodily functions, me complaining about said bodily functions, and subsequent feminine giggling and embarassment. There's other stuff... Beautiful scenery I saw, hilarious people I met... Contaminated food that I ate... All will be recounted to you.

As of now, the best pictures are on a cd which my computer can't read... I'm trying to solve the problem that I may bestow the gift of gorgeous photographs, to you, Black Logaphiles...

For the next few weeks, maybe months, I will recount to you China as you have never seen it before; through the eyes of a black man!! Join me on my journey!!! You'll meet who I meet, haggle who I haggle, eat who I eat!!! Stay tuned!!!

Saturday, August 07, 2004

The End of an Era 2

So they're gone. The Dreadlocks are finally gone. It was a good run while it lasted. I can remember the first week, when strange questions and requests about my dreadlocks were abundant. ie. Do you wash them? How do you do that? I'm white, can I get dreads?
Or my all time favourite: "Did you know when Bob Marley died, they found hundreds of different species of insects in his head?"

And why is it when dreads are involved all social etiquette goes out the window? I mean, since when is it acceptable to just touch someone's hair? And it doesn't matter if I say, "No, don't touch my hair!" I have no choice. It's as if my dreadlocks are public property.

Person says: "Wow!! Dreads are so cool!! Can I touch them?"
Me: "Actually, there's beeswax in them and it might..."
Person: "This is some f**ked up repugnant, STICKY s**t!!!! What do you put in this s**t? F**K!!!!"
Me: "Thank you..."

Well, removing the dreads was no less awkard. My dad brought his scissors and electric razors. Unfortunately everyone was in the house at the time. My mom, my two sisters and even my dad's cousin watched as dad removed the dreads. My mom was getting her hair done by one sister, and my other sister was content just standing there watching, providing commentary. The following dialogue is a dramatization (slightly dramatized)

Mom: "It's about time!! It will look a lot neater once they're off!"
Sister: "I like you better with the dreads."
Dad: "YOUR SCALP IS ACTUALLY BLEEDING!!!"
Me: "It burns."
Dad: "I thought you washed your hair? What is all this?"
Mom: "It's not so bad... Could you do something about his eyebrows?"
Dad: "Your hair seems thinner on top... You know, my dad is balding."
Sister: "EWWWW.... I really do like you better with dreads!"
Dad: "Oops! Nicked ya again!"
Mom: "Take the razor to his eyebrows!!"
Me: "NO!"
Mom: "They're bushy!!!"
Dad: "You know, I could just trim..."
Me: "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

I don't know how long it took, but when it was all said and done, I had shaven eyebrows and no more dreads. When I went to wash my stubly head, it burned so badly I wanted to scream out loud. It was quite an unpleasant experience.

Anyway, those dreads were a year and a half in the making. Now they're all gone!!!! Another phase has come to an end. Oh well!

I'm off to China now! I don't know if I'll get a chance to update while I'm there, but be sure to check the Black Log for some zany stories from China! Or at least... semi-zany... Or not... We'll see...

Sunday, August 01, 2004

The end of an era...

After almost four years, I have given my resignation to the Brossard municipal library. It's been a good run, but unfortunately my Master's degree will not allow me to continue there any longer.

I remember when I first began working there. I was really worried about working with a bunch of older ladies. I remember during one of our breaks I was witness to a rather graphic discussion of child birth. "My son's head was huge!!! My vagina was so dilated that-"

There was one lady who shrieked for the first week any time I turned the corner. "Bonjour!" I would say, and she would respond with a blood curdling shriek. I would have attributed it to her getting used to having a black guy skulking about the library the first time, but she was black too!

Now that I'm quitting, I feel a great deal of grief at leaving them. It's almost like losing 20 aunties. They're all such sweet ladies. There were times when they just had me laughing out loud with their stories. And they ask you auntie like questions like, "Have you been eating? How's school going?" Of course, now that I'm leaving in a few weeks I get to play the spoiled brat!

The other morning for example, I woke up and made breakfast. I was about to take the first bite when my boss calls.

Boss: "Good morning Chris? How are you?"
Me: "I'm fine."
Boss: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Eating a sandwich.. You know... Just chillin..."
Boss: "You're supposed to be at work."
Me: "Well, ain't that some s**t??? I'll be there... later... I guess."

And when I did get there, it was to smiles and jokes. The previous day was even more relaxed. I earned my fee by sharpening pencils chatting with people... Walking around... One of the ladies gave me chocolate. Then I did something I always wanted to do... I took one of the cheesy children's chairs from the Youth section. It's all yellow and green and blue and it's super tiny. I almost got stuck in it. Anyway, I sat in that to check the books on the shelf, regaling the ladies, "Oh que t'es mignon!" they laughed.

But today was the topper. While sharpening pencils, one of the bosses came up to me and one of the other students. "Chris I need you to..." then she paused, and looked at the other guy, "Nevermind... Marc Andre, go put away those books over there." I grinned and continued sharpening pencils. I felt like such a little brat!

What else could I get away with in my last few weeks? I always wanted to push over one of the bookshelves and cause a cataclysmic domino effect where all the shelves would fall making a glorious mess of books. Or walk around the library with no shirt, bust in with a boombox. Or I could be totally hostile to the people who come to borrow books.

Old lady with a British accent, "I would like to procure these documents, young man."
Me: "Well ma'am, just give your library card a swipe." pulling down my pants and showing her my ass.
Old lady, "Oh, you beastly, horrid man..."
Me, talking with my ass, a la jim carrey: "Oh, don't be mad. Let's kiss and make up!"
My Boss: "Oh... Chris is so cute. Let's buy him a present!"

Anyway, none of that will happen now. My last day was Saturday and my send off included many kisses and heart felt goodbyes. Even one of the cute girls who works with me seemed upset.

Cute Girl: "Where are you going?"
Me: "Time to start my masters. Why do you ask? Couldn't let a gorgeous guy like me out of your site without getting a goodbye kiss?"
Cute Girl: "You can't leave like this! We need you!!!"
Me: "We need? What about, you need?"
Cute Girl: "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Me: "You probably don't... Now stop following me."
Cute Girl: "I was just going to say goodbye to the Janitor!"
Me: "Good! You could use a good kiss!!!"

And there was of course the evil rant from my boss. "Who would have thought, you've worked here for 4 years. Time sure does fly. Remember Chris. Time is a predator. It stalks you every day, waiting to claim your life. And eventually, it will catch you!"

But though she called time a predator, I prefer to think of time as a friend, who travels with us along the road of life, reminding us to make the most of every moment as each might be our last.

Four years well spent I'd say. Now I'll sign off before I get sued for copywrite infringement.