Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Tarnished beauty

So it seems everyone got sick last week. Bad flus and what not. And the day after I boast that I never get sick, I suddenly got violently ill. It was the first time I could remember pinpointing the moment where I got sick. It just hit me. Though the fever/flu only lasted a day, something far more sinister was festering inside of me. By the weekend my eyelid was becoming swollen and now quite frankly, it's pretty ghastly to look at. This horrible eye infection caused two bulges in my eyelid, one which is turning kind of red. It's gross.

And people aren't too sensitive about it. Even my mom who's very concerned will simply blurt out, "Well, let's face it... It looks bad!" And she scorns it with every ounce of her being. She treats me like a leper. "Did you wash your hands? You should use a Kleenex when you handle that. Did you wash your hands? Don't lie on that! Did you wash your hands? Don't touch your eye! Did you hands your wash? I mean... Did you wash your hands?" And so forth.

Then my sister called me the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I really didn't get that. Did she mean that I was to eyes what the Hunchback was to backs? Does Quasi Modo have an eye infection? I don't know.

And people at work are no better. During lunch I was doing a freestyle rap about yogurt, to the tune of row your boat, when I noticed one of the girls I was having lunch with was a little too enthralled by the whole thing. "Are you staring at my eye???" She nodded yes and laughed for the next five minutes.

Macking the ladies is definately much harder with an eye infection.

Here's how macking goes, before the eye infection:
"Hey baby, you so fine, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field O' Y'all!!!"
Lady: "Oh Chris!" Makeout session ensues.

Here's how macking goes with the eye infection:
"Hey baby, you so fine, I wanna pour milk all over you and make you a part of my complete breakfast!"
Lady: "Oh... Chris..." :-( Projectile vomitting ensues for five minutes.

Trying to have a conversation with dazzling scientist/biowife Bahira without her staring at it, was impossible. I tried things like, standing to her right, looking upward...

Bahira: "Why are you looking up?"
Me: "I'm a dreamer, Bahira. Where you see a ceiling, I see the future!"

Eventually I just gave up and asked her if she wanted butterfly kisses. She spurned me! Can you believe it? Infected eye Chris gets no love. Much like healthy eye Chris... Nyarrr... :-(

There is an upside to it. The drops I have to take are pretty cool. You can almost feel them working. And they're a striking white. So after putting the drops in, I get streaks of white going down my face. A black man crying white tears is a very powerful image. It's symbolic of something... I just can't figure out what. When in doubt, it's racism.

So I'll use my grim eye to strike fear into the hearts of evil doers. I can see it now, a bunch of muggers running away with some old lady's purse. Then I would jump from the rooftops wearing a cape and an eye patch. Drawing twin fighting sticks, I would ravage the mob and loom mencacingly over their fallen leader who would be snivelling, "How did you do that man? You only have 1 eye!!! No depth perception!"

Finally I would remove my eye patch, revealing my swollen eye, dripping terrifying white tears and I'd say my cool catch phrase, "In the land of the blind... The one-eyed man is king!!!" And the guy would start screaming in terror,"AAAAAAAAAHHHH! Help! This dude's crazy man!!" and I would start laughing maniacally. "Muhahaha... Muahhahahahahah!!! AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Finally an awkaward silence would fall on us and we would just stare. Then he'd point out, "Isn't that line from that Tom Cruise movie?" just as the old lady comes onto the scene with two cops next to her, "There he is! The black guy with the eye patch!"

And I would run like hell!

The end

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

The Ultimate Reality Show

So that new show, The Next Action Star, was pretty awful. I caught it today. For those of you who don't know the premise, they get guys and gals to act out scenes that could potentially be in an action movie. I guess later on in the series they'll be doing stunts and stuff. But in this episode, they did some melodramatic thing where their "spouse" was trapped under debris and they were about to die. No action.

So the contestant runs in, and delivers their lines.... "No... Don't give up on me!!! I love you baby!!! Don't die on me... Come on, mofo... Breathe, Christ!!!" and so forth... It was terrible. Then the judges decide who couldn't act. They never agreed, cuz let's face it, it's all very subjective. Some people like John Travolta, some don't. In my opinion, everyone on this show was ridiculously bad.

So then, they choose 14 people to stay. After they've called off the people they want to keep, one by one, the others have... and I quote... A few seconds to say their goodbyes. Seconds??? I guess that's the action part of the show... "To all the sucky actors, you have a few seconds to get out of here. After which the room will fill with a potent nerve gas which will peel the flesh off of your bones in the most excrutiating manner that modern science can devise... "

The asian girl took her seconds to complain that, she should have stayed because she knew martial arts, insisting that, "This is whack!". Oh, it was whack alright. It was all heinously whack! Insufferably whack!!

I guess in most cases knowing martial arts is the only criteria to starring in an action movie. Remember Matrix: Reloaded, when Keanu Reeves had to bring what's her name back to life. He delivered this memorable line, "I can't let you go trinity. I won't let you go... I just love you too damn much!!!"

They already have a reality show with people who can't sing, now I have to watch people who can't act too??? Maybe one day they'll make the ultimate reality show, where people, sing, dance, act, box and play Yugiyo, while racing around the world all to gain the favor of one lucky man or woman, who they could potentially wed. Or they could screw the guy or girl over and take a million bucks. The lucky bride or groom to be must suffer the most cruel cosmetic surgery available, before the wedding. Eye transplants... nad inflation using liquified lead... vertebrae insertion... sawing bones to a more aesthetically pleasing lengths... cauterizing orifices and stuff.... The works!

Here's the twist!! The cosmetic surgery involves a sex change, resulting in two grooms or two brides upon the season finale!!!!

Girl sex-changed to a guy who looks suspiciously like Kenny Rogers with a perm: "Could you love me... Even like this??????"
Guy with Duke Nukem voice: "No baby... Not like this... No..." *grabs dollar sign bag with a million dollars and leaves*

Oh television, how I hate thee.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Flavour Country

Simply put, the Indian restaurant I went to on Saturday was some of the best food I've eaten in a long time. The sights, the sounds, the smells... It was an orgiastic feast for the senses!!! It's called, Shapla(an Indian term meaning, orgiastic feast for the senses, I assume) located on 166 Prince Arthur on the second floor. It's Rez's dad's place. The only problem is I can't remember the names of the dishes... I remember I had something called, Dansach..... I remember that cuz it sounds like Dan's Sack. It wasn't really made from a man's sack, but rather a harmonious blend of chicken, curry and as Jbo would put it, pure heaven.

There was a nice view from the restaurant too. There were some good looking girls who went by, but the moment was eventually ruined by a dirty looking, portly gentleman who started fishing around in the nearby fountain for change. Here's a dramatization.

Jbo: "Hey Chris, what do you think of her?"
Me: "You mean that fatman, reaching into the fountain with his friggin' underwear showing? That's not really my bag, Justin."

As he reached in, his butt was pointed right at us on the second floor of Shapla. After a few minutes he blundered around, looking for something. Rez assumed he was looking for a stick to get change out of the water. I didn't really think a stick would do the job. To my credit, the bum seemed to agree. The guy patrolled a small area around the fountain, and just when we thought he was about to give up, you know what that tenacious, noble bum does? He manifests a Naya bottle seemingly out of nothingness and plunges it into the water!

I wish I had his patience. I usually spend 5 minutes tops figuring out how to get change out of phones, fountains, vending machines and Kenny's wallet. Then I move on to more lucrative ventures... ie, getting a job, embezzlement or other skullduggery.

As people walked by, it looked like he was trying to explain his strange behaviour. Either that or he was asking people for help. "There's probably like... 3$ in their guy! If you could just hold onto my legs while I reach in, I'll cut you in for 6%!!! Come on people!!! 20 minutes and we'll be rich!" Twenty minutes later, the bum walked away, wet and dejected.

Dinner and a show!? Where does it end?????

Here.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Too $hort

It was just another day, I wasting time online when Lars (one of the founding fathers of the original Itoop some 4-5 years ago) suggests that I download a song by Too $hort, a rapper of course. I tried doing the search by title "Pimp a Ho", but found only one remotely queued version of the song. Stupid Kazaa. So I do a search by artist, and I use the term artist lightly. Here's a partial list of the songs I get.

-My D*ck, My Sack
-Pimpin'
-Burn Rubber
-Pimpology
-Biatch
-Cocktales
-Ain't no bitches
-Two Bitches (??? I thought their ain't none... I mean... ain't weren't any...)
-Pimp Life
-Punk Bitch
-All my bitches are gone (I wonder why? He seems so charming)
and of course, the much anticipated
-Pimp a Ho

Keep in mind this is just a partial list. There were other songs like Blow Job Betty, F**k my car and much, much more!!! You don't believe, go onto Kazaa and try! Too $hort! Please note the dollar sign S.

Lars got some information about him that I found interesting:

Too Short was the first West Coast rap star, recording three albums on his own before he made his major-label debut with 1988's gold album Born to Mack; his next four all went platinum. Anticipating much of the later gangsta phenomenon, he restricted his lyrical themes to tales of sexual prowess and physical violence, with the occasional social-message track to mix things up. After the release of Gettin' It (Album Number Ten) in 1996, Too Short decided to retire, his status assured as one of the most successful solo rappers of the 1980s and early '90s, although that decision would prove short-lived.

Retired because he was one of the most succesful rappers of the 80's and 90's? Wow... I used to think I knew a thing or two about rap music, but why have I never heard of this guy before? Someone must have been trying to protect my innocent ears back in the day. I was listenning to happy rap back then, ie, Mc Hammer, The Fresh Prince and occasionally, Bart Simpson. One would think his, "occasional social-message track" would have found its way to mainstream.

Oh well, farewell, you punk ass bitches...PIMP? F**K?? Ho??? Bitch, Punk, Ho!!! Punk ass Pimp!!! Biatch!!! Sack!!!

Yay!!! I'm the man now, Dawg!! :-)

By the way, the lyrics to Pimp a Ho are as inspiring as you would expect.


Wednesday, June 16, 2004

La Ronde the world in 80 days or God Forsakes the Black Log

So La Ronde on Sunday was fun. The weather was perfect and most people were gone to Grand Prix so there weren't too many line ups. Nice day. I think the Vampire is now my new favourite rollercoaster ever!!!

After La Ronde, a trip to the grocery store turned into a "Birthday Palooza" for me. Jbo's coverage of that was beyond reproach, so go to his site to see the awesome cake we had! Thanks guys (and especially Pam for being the hostess with the mostest).

Aside from that, not much to talk about... I graduated... Birthed a son... Found a cure for Alzheimer's. Nothing, "blogworthy". Though I did spend an unusual amount of time contemplating the word, forsake. I was really tired today on the bus and couldn't stop laughing at the word. I like forsaking things... people... places... I find it funny when God forsakes stuff in the Bible. "And so God forsook Bill because he ate rabbit on the Sabbath. So he unleashed the hordes from the north, to slay Bill's people. And their eyes they did pierce and then feasted upon the fluids that flowed forth."

I spent so much time thinking about the word, for a while I wondered if it actually was a word or if I just imagined it. I think I need more sleep.

Anyway, don't forsake your friendly neighbourhood blogs (and Itoopia which is updated every now and then). Check out Rez's new blog, which should have the unique characteristic of being relevant.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Vingt-sept

So on the way to pick up my grad gown last week, we were given a box of free crap! A bottle of water, secret anti-perspirant and a solitary condom! Score!

We also got a new freaky razor. It had four blades. It's called the Shick Quattro. Have you seen the commercial for this? There's an absurdly clean cut white guy who says, "First there was one blade, then there were two. Finally someone put three blades, and that was enough, right? WRONG!"

I mean, I think the razor industry is lacking inspiration. Whenever they put a new product on the market all they can do is add blades? What difference does it make how many blades are on the thing? I own the Mach 3, which has 3 blades and an earlier model with 2 blades. Same crap if you ask me. But what's so insidious, is once you've had numerous blades, you don't want to go back to less blades.

What's going to happen? At 40 years old I'll be shaving with some monstrosity that has like... 27 blades with some dude telling me, "You thought 26 blades was redundant?? Guess again, beeitch!!! We added another blade. Welcome, to Gillette Vingt-Sept, the last razor you'll ever use!" Then the following weak, "We did the unthinkable... Gillette Leap Year, 29 glorious blades for a shave so close, it's basically removing skin!!!"

I think the secret to creating a new product is to make a hybrid of two existing products. If you want to pimp up a razor put a toothbrush on one end I say! Make it dispense contact lenses. Maybe when you press a button it gives you compliments. Call it the Gilette Complimento 3000 with extreme toothbrush action and hyper contact lens delivery matrix. Or how about a diamond studded razor that you can wear around your neck like man-bling? It can be a new style. Anything... But please no more blades...

Sigh... Gone are the days of Magic. Magic is this powder that you mix into water and make a paste, then layer it on your face. When you scrape it off, the hair comes with it. Like Nair but... Manlier.... somehow.

Sunday, June 06, 2004

Long Live Diversity

So it's been an interesting week. I've wanted to post a few times but didn't get the opportunity. So for a while I was wondering, what should I finally write about. Bahira doing stuff, Cristina brazenly teifiscating my shrimp, Jbo's Mike Tyson stuff. But, once again McDonald's loitering proved most suitable for this Black Log entry.

There we were, the five high school friends looking like the United Nations. Kenny, who's chinese, Vrej, who's Armenian, Rez from Bangladesh, Justin of Welsh/Lebanese descent and me of Trinidadian descent. So we're doing our usual late night McD's ranting and raving when some drunken cop from Sorel comes up and decides to talk to us about ethnic diversity and of course, the French language and how it's in danger of being lost.

In french he would start off by saying, "Hey... I'm not racist... homophobic... I don't care if you're ummmm (brow furrowing as he looks at kenny) Vietnamese???... (looks at Vrej) I don't know... Jewish? (Rezaul) Indian? (looks at me) Ethiopian???"

Rez really got into it! We all had our two cents to say on the subject. And after a stretch of about 15 minutes, the drunken cop's brain seemed to reboot... "Hey... I'm no racist! I don't care if you're ... Japanese...ummm... Greek... Hindi... Miscellaneous... Black... guy with dreads...?" Watching him struggle to guess our races was very entertaining. He must have done it 3 times for the night.

Anyway, I live for moments like that. It's always interesting to hear how different people think, and what better way than to talk to them while drunk? The guy seemed nuts to me, but I suppose there are lots of people who think like him. I mean... I'm not a racist... or a homophobe... But cops from Sorel are so gay!