Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Vingt-sept

So on the way to pick up my grad gown last week, we were given a box of free crap! A bottle of water, secret anti-perspirant and a solitary condom! Score!

We also got a new freaky razor. It had four blades. It's called the Shick Quattro. Have you seen the commercial for this? There's an absurdly clean cut white guy who says, "First there was one blade, then there were two. Finally someone put three blades, and that was enough, right? WRONG!"

I mean, I think the razor industry is lacking inspiration. Whenever they put a new product on the market all they can do is add blades? What difference does it make how many blades are on the thing? I own the Mach 3, which has 3 blades and an earlier model with 2 blades. Same crap if you ask me. But what's so insidious, is once you've had numerous blades, you don't want to go back to less blades.

What's going to happen? At 40 years old I'll be shaving with some monstrosity that has like... 27 blades with some dude telling me, "You thought 26 blades was redundant?? Guess again, beeitch!!! We added another blade. Welcome, to Gillette Vingt-Sept, the last razor you'll ever use!" Then the following weak, "We did the unthinkable... Gillette Leap Year, 29 glorious blades for a shave so close, it's basically removing skin!!!"

I think the secret to creating a new product is to make a hybrid of two existing products. If you want to pimp up a razor put a toothbrush on one end I say! Make it dispense contact lenses. Maybe when you press a button it gives you compliments. Call it the Gilette Complimento 3000 with extreme toothbrush action and hyper contact lens delivery matrix. Or how about a diamond studded razor that you can wear around your neck like man-bling? It can be a new style. Anything... But please no more blades...

Sigh... Gone are the days of Magic. Magic is this powder that you mix into water and make a paste, then layer it on your face. When you scrape it off, the hair comes with it. Like Nair but... Manlier.... somehow.

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