Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Tarnished beauty

So it seems everyone got sick last week. Bad flus and what not. And the day after I boast that I never get sick, I suddenly got violently ill. It was the first time I could remember pinpointing the moment where I got sick. It just hit me. Though the fever/flu only lasted a day, something far more sinister was festering inside of me. By the weekend my eyelid was becoming swollen and now quite frankly, it's pretty ghastly to look at. This horrible eye infection caused two bulges in my eyelid, one which is turning kind of red. It's gross.

And people aren't too sensitive about it. Even my mom who's very concerned will simply blurt out, "Well, let's face it... It looks bad!" And she scorns it with every ounce of her being. She treats me like a leper. "Did you wash your hands? You should use a Kleenex when you handle that. Did you wash your hands? Don't lie on that! Did you wash your hands? Don't touch your eye! Did you hands your wash? I mean... Did you wash your hands?" And so forth.

Then my sister called me the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I really didn't get that. Did she mean that I was to eyes what the Hunchback was to backs? Does Quasi Modo have an eye infection? I don't know.

And people at work are no better. During lunch I was doing a freestyle rap about yogurt, to the tune of row your boat, when I noticed one of the girls I was having lunch with was a little too enthralled by the whole thing. "Are you staring at my eye???" She nodded yes and laughed for the next five minutes.

Macking the ladies is definately much harder with an eye infection.

Here's how macking goes, before the eye infection:
"Hey baby, you so fine, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field O' Y'all!!!"
Lady: "Oh Chris!" Makeout session ensues.

Here's how macking goes with the eye infection:
"Hey baby, you so fine, I wanna pour milk all over you and make you a part of my complete breakfast!"
Lady: "Oh... Chris..." :-( Projectile vomitting ensues for five minutes.

Trying to have a conversation with dazzling scientist/biowife Bahira without her staring at it, was impossible. I tried things like, standing to her right, looking upward...

Bahira: "Why are you looking up?"
Me: "I'm a dreamer, Bahira. Where you see a ceiling, I see the future!"

Eventually I just gave up and asked her if she wanted butterfly kisses. She spurned me! Can you believe it? Infected eye Chris gets no love. Much like healthy eye Chris... Nyarrr... :-(

There is an upside to it. The drops I have to take are pretty cool. You can almost feel them working. And they're a striking white. So after putting the drops in, I get streaks of white going down my face. A black man crying white tears is a very powerful image. It's symbolic of something... I just can't figure out what. When in doubt, it's racism.

So I'll use my grim eye to strike fear into the hearts of evil doers. I can see it now, a bunch of muggers running away with some old lady's purse. Then I would jump from the rooftops wearing a cape and an eye patch. Drawing twin fighting sticks, I would ravage the mob and loom mencacingly over their fallen leader who would be snivelling, "How did you do that man? You only have 1 eye!!! No depth perception!"

Finally I would remove my eye patch, revealing my swollen eye, dripping terrifying white tears and I'd say my cool catch phrase, "In the land of the blind... The one-eyed man is king!!!" And the guy would start screaming in terror,"AAAAAAAAAHHHH! Help! This dude's crazy man!!" and I would start laughing maniacally. "Muhahaha... Muahhahahahahah!!! AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Finally an awkaward silence would fall on us and we would just stare. Then he'd point out, "Isn't that line from that Tom Cruise movie?" just as the old lady comes onto the scene with two cops next to her, "There he is! The black guy with the eye patch!"

And I would run like hell!

The end

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