Monday, January 31, 2005

Barfable Beverage

I have been contemplating moving out. There are a few reasons. Least of which is not the kind of beverages I find in the fridge. Our family has honored a long tradition of making juices from concentrate. Which is cool.. when it's actually juice from concentrate.

I'm tired of passion fruit in every goddamn drink on the market. What is passion fruit anyway? Then they try to jazz up the names of things that they can no longer call juice cuz they've added too much sugar. What the hell is Berry Infusion? Pink Lemonade Euphoria? Tangerine Wavelength? Please note this site claims one of the ingredients is made from the body of a dried insect. YUM!

Recently I've found something in my fridge. I smelled it... poured myself a glass and just asked God, "What the hell is this?" It was kind of purple... maybe? so I guess that rules out any kind of citrus designation. Usually when it comes to beverages, colors with higher wavelengths indicate some sort of berry. But it certainly wasn't a strawberry drink... Or a blueberry drink. Or cranberry. I would only hope they wouldn't dishonor the magnificent grape by making that gross a drink out of it.

Honestly, I don't think this was any kind of juice. If I had to name the drink I would call it High Frequency Urine Infusion from concentrate. It is one of the most vile drinks I've ever had. Mom, if you're reading this... It's called apple juice! Buy some!

Wednesday, January 26, 2005


Like all good stories, this one ends up at McDonalds... Mmm.. I'm getting ahead of myself.

It all started while I was TAing the biology lab. Faraz busts in and offers me a lift home. I say to him, "You know, if you're done, don't wait I'll be another hour here anyway." He insisted. He comes back after an hour and offers the lift again being the good guy that he is and wanting to spare me the cold. So he even waits for me to get all my stuff from my office and the lab and the kitchen.

The conversation in the car is what you would expect from two uber geeks.

Faraz: "I read some spoilers for Star Wars Episode 3... Mace Windu is totally owned by Darth...."
Me: "Faraz why do you always have to spoil the freaking movie for me!!!"
Faraz: "Remember tha star wars card game where...."


The car hit something and we had to pull over. The tire was completely busted, totally flat. Soon after another car pulled over and the guy promptly changed his tire and drove off. Our attempts to change the tire on Faraz's car failed... Of course. Our only option was to walk back to a nearby motel and call his dad to bring another tire and different tools.

Walking up the long, cold highway we came across that which was responsible for the flat tire. The pothole was easily a foot deep and twice that wide. But what made the pothole so epic were the FIVE hubcaps strewn alongside the road. Apparently we weren't the only suckers to hit the pothole. So we made the phone call and then walked down the street until we saw the Golden Arches of McDonalds... And then we ate McDonalds and laughed about our plight!

When Faraz's dad picked us up and we went back to the car, there were another 3 cars there, all with angry men changing their tires. The pothole got them all too! Thank god one of them was Italian. He got a good rant going while Faraz and his dad changed the tire.

Italian guy: "Hey! Pretty big F**king pothole, huh? F**kin' United states probably thought someone was hiding in there or something... Hey I broke my f**kin Jack can I borrow yours! The city is going to pay for this s**t! Wait... What's that truck? Is that the ville? Is that the Ville????"

A big truck had pulled up across the street, apparently from the city. "Look at that, 10 f**kin guys in the truck doing f**k all!!!!!"

Oh well... My fingers still feel numb as I type this. But at least I was able to f**kin' blog about it f**k! I hope the f**kin' city is reading this s**t....

Monday, January 24, 2005

Jedi Bums 2

My professor seems to be somewhat prophetic indeed. On Friday he saw a bunch of us doing nothing in the lab and somehow got into a rant about vagrants in San Fransisco. He says they put Montreal bums to shame as far as effort goes. He heard excuses such as "I'm Michael Jackson! Can I have a dollar?" and "I'm a former NBA star about to see my daughter and i have no money..."

Good old bums... Anyway, being the naive young man that I am, after a movie I was walking back to the 45 bus and got to those escalators just before you get to Cinnabon at Bonaventure. Some pathetic soul cries out, "Does anybody speak English?" And as if I had never heard of beggars before I stopped and said, "I do!" I immediately realized my mistake when the man became very upset and bellowed, "DOES ANYONE SPEAK ANY BLOODY ENGLISH????" At this point I realized he was quite drunk. He gave me a long story about how he couldn't find the train station and he was going to see... of course... his daughter... and he needed change.

What truly puzzle me is the fact that I stopped. Why did I actually think this guy was anything other than a beggar? And I realized what it was... A most insidious Jedi Bum trick indeed.... He had a British accent. He sounded classy and sophisticated even through his slurred drunken speech.... I was foiled by my own prejudice. No other accent could have made me stop and consider what was being said by this slovenly looking gentleman.

Were my professor's stories a warning of the bum in my future? Did he see this fate for me and want me to steer clear of it?


*Note* If you don't know what Jedi Bums are, then you haven't been with Gregg Factor as long as you should have been? One of the first posts

Friday, January 21, 2005

Robocop... review?

Another night at Dad's house. Flicking through the channels I catch Robocop. It's really odd, but just knowing that I was watching it gave me a sinking feeling. There's something about this movie that is totally violent and disturbing and dark... But I couldn't rip myself away from it, it's quite engrossing. For all its over the top violence it's quite ironic and funny.

The first act you realize that crime has gotten sooooooooo bad, that scientists decide to build killer robots to beat all the criminals. In a scene that makes me want to vomit, they test one robot. The test of course uses live ammo and an innocent man is violently killed. Enter Robocop. In a scene that makes me wince to this day, a cop named Murphy is horribly mutilated by the bullets of a gang of criminals. Scientists use his remains to make a monster cyborg called Robocop that fights crime.

The second act opens with a hilarious montage of Robocop fighting crime by doing what any logical machine would do to fight crime. Shooting guys in the penis, destroying depanneurs and launching criminals out of windows. Then, the police force gets fed up, cuz the criminals are playing too rough and killing them. So what do they do? They go on strike! And the criminals take over forcing Robocop to take it up a notch.

But most hilarious is the abrupt ending... Robocop is programmed to be unable to kill any member of the company that built him a fact he states in plain english. The villain of course is a senior member of this company. Upon realizing this, the president of the company says, "Oh yeah? Well... He's fired!" Then Robocop says, "Thank you!"The robot say THANK YOU!!! And shoots the villain about 10 times... The villain obviously falls out of the window of the skyscraper they were in. Everyone kind of smiles at this and the president of the company asks, "Nice shooting.. What's your name son?"

Robocop answers: "Murphy!"

And the movie cuts right to the credits.

I don't why I felt the need to write about the movie. Kind of nostalgic for me. Movies were just sooooooo violent in the 80's. To the point where it's just wrong... They blew the cops hand off man! It's awful. BUT! At least there was a story. As absurd as it was... I couldn't stop watching. Every minute was engrossing. I think that's what movies lack these days... Stories. Too much style and flash, but no story. What is Ocean's 11 about? They rob a casino... What's American Beauty about? Some guy who feels sorry for himself. A story should have a beginning a middle and an end, not just be a bunch of slow moving events with no logical progression or point. Bah! Long story short... I like Robocop. It moves me.

Monday, January 17, 2005

The more things change...

For a full acount of this weekends Hi and Low Jinx, you should go to Droopy's site. Still, I would like to hi-light a few things that he downplayed.

After video game fest of Halo and Tetris, we went to eat then movies. First off, before even going into the theater for Ocean's 12, we BUSTED into Elektra to see the Fantastic 4 trailer. Then we went to see Ocean's 12 where I fell asleep for the entire second act! Walking out, we stopped at the exit and started discussing whether or not we should sneak into Elektra. Like two ladies Rez and Vrej were hesitating. We looked so obvious. Then finally I stepped up and lead my brethren to Elektra.

For which I am not to be praised. Elektra is really one of the worst movies I've seen in my whole life. At first you could see Droopy was about to have a nasty joygasm at watching a movie for free. "WOW LOOK NINJAS!!!!!!!" The ninjas were hilarious to see. Good, old school ninjas with little black suits Asian eyes that widen in horror as Elektra kills them violently. Still, ninjas aside, terrible, right down to the very end where the little girl says, "You saved my life Elektra."

In a rage I bellowed, "Go ahead! Say it Jennifer GARBAGE! Say, 'and you saved mine!' Say it you stupid #$@%@!!!!!!! SAY IT!!!"

Elektra: ".... ahem... And you saved mine."

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAARGHHHH!!!!!!!!! Brazen rioting ensued with chairs being torn, grenades being tossed and excessive urination on public property as an enraged audience tried to unleash a fraction of their rage.

Following Elektra, mandatory McDonalds where a heated dispute about Transformers resulted in the eventual discovery of this site. I thought it was ironic that this site is about all the cartoons we used to watch when we were 7-10 years old. It was another reminder that the more things change the more things stay the same. Playing video games with Vrej and his brother is nothing new. Way back in the day we could spend whole afternoons playing games. Then go eat like pigs, then go see lousy movies. And we still do. Except this weekend, Vrej's bro played Halo with his new born daughter in his arms! I never thought I'd see the day!!! I almost felt bad humiliating father and uncle Hezarans at Tetris in front of a girl who will look up to them one day.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Masons versus Bricklayers

So Dan is a nutty guy, always willing to try something new and different and sometimes even absurd. So I was of course quite apprehensive to see five emails from him entitled, Fortress!! Each one developping his vision of how we should spend our Saturday.

Email #1- "Hey guys! It snowed a lot. Let's build a snow fort!"
Email#2- "I've decided we should build a snow fort at a park near the Big O!"
Email#3- "Change of plans, we'll be building the fort in a cemetery in Cote Des Neiges!"
Email#4- "We're starting at 11am! Bring recycling bins and shovels!"
Email#5- "What? No one's interested?"

An email reply was inadequate for this level of madness. I decided to call Dan up and personally tell him off. "Dan, what is this? We're grown ass men! I'm not going way the hell up to a graveyard in Cote des Neiges to build a snow fort!"

Obviously, despite what I was saying, the idea appealed to me. Sadly I had to go to the lab the next day and wouldn't be able to stay even if I wanted to build the fort. But I was convinced to go anyway and grudgingly decided I would go for a few hours just to check it out. "I'm gettin' too old for this s**t!" I grumbled.

Anyway, by the time I showed up they already had the whole fort building thing down to an art. They used recylcing bins to make the bricks and pack them down real tight. Then layed the bricks down. Layer one was pretty much done when I arrived and I was assigned to be "a mason". I imagine in the real world anyone laying bricks and putting mortar in between is a mason, but in snow fort world, masons put snow in between the laid bricks and packed everything tight so it was smooth and solid. Those who made and laid the bricks were called brick layers. The masons fancied themselves more skilled than the brick layers who really did a crumy job on the back wall. Likewise the brick layers though brick work was more difficult and we were constantly at odds. "You call this a brick ya lace wearin' panty elastic?" Pam and I were masons for most of the time and I truly feared she would bludgeon me to death with her shovel

Every hour I would say, "mmm... I should really get to work." But with every layer we added to the fort I became more committed. And I definately wanted to be around to plant the flag. We used a big plastic KFC banner that the late and great Kenny Chu stole in the summer, folded it up and placed it on a bamboo stick. But what to write on the blank side? Looking at yonder gravestones Lindsay proposed, "No zombies!" I suggested, "How about, Zombie barracks?"

They all grumbled and told me, "No, we want something that implies it protects from zombies."
Me: "Oh I see.. How about... Zombie Sanctuary?"
"Chris you're not getting this..."
"No, no I am... How about... Zombie Safehouse?"
We settled on, "FOR SALE" and put Dan and Lindsay's phone number on it. Then planted it piously in the North Eastern Parapet. Actually I don't know if those little things can be called parapets but it's the word we started using and we stuck to it.

Surprisingly only 1 onlooker decided to join us, a guy who apparently watched most of the project from his apartment. He brought at very least ten soda bottles and vodka bottles filled with water to seal up the weak points in the fort. We calculated that we used some 140 recylcing bin sized bricks to build it, and it was four layers tall not counting the "parapets".

When I did the rounds to look at the completed work, I noticed that the senior mason, Val, had really done a beautiful job smoothing out the fort. It looked like it had grown out of the ground rather than built from bricks. He actually traced lines into the wall to create the illusion of bricks... and someone drew a naked lady on it.

Following that... a snowball fight of course (video available upon request if you see me on msn)... And then it got dark and they closed the cemetery. I got to work at about 6pm! Will I ever grow up? Unlikely.

The End