Friday, August 26, 2005

These songs R. very disturbing

To me, R.Kelly has always written the worst songs ever. I mean, lyric wise. The tunes are always amazing and catchy but the actual words to the song are usually absurd to the point of hilarity. Songs like, "You remind me (of my jeep)", "Kickin it with your Girlfriend", and "sex in the kitchen" are bad in so many ways. Disrepectful to women and absurd, but that I can deal with!

R.Kelly's most recent work includes Trapped in the Closet, a 5 song epic which he calls a hip hop opera. I don't know why he doesn't just do the obvious and call it a HipHopera. But that's neither here nor there. What is here and there is that you all MUST watch, cuz it's simply the funniest thing I've seen in my life.

So for starters it's a song about cheating. Fine, he's a bastard, that's not really surprising. But when the guy who's wife he's sleeping with walks in, he pulls a gun on the dude? He's like a psycho!!

I think what's brilliant is that he's the one toting a gun, but he's always telling other people to calm down. And even at the point where he's pointing a gun at the woman he just slept with, her gay husband and the gay husband's boyfriend, she still thinks they could work things out!?!

"All o y'all asses crazy, let me up out of this door!
Because this is way more than I bargained for!
Then she says wait, I'm sure we could all fix this! "

But the kicker, is by part three, it doesn't even seem to be an issue that he's having an affair. The real issue is his utter disgust at being in the room with two homosexuals. I don't have to emphasize the sheer hilarity of the fact that when forced to come up with names for two gaylords, R.Kelly settles on Rufus and Chuck. Then when Chuck says it was a living hell to be creeping around in hotels with his man, R.Kelly cocks his gun, points it in Chucks FACE and says, "Brotha, spare me the details!" And then when Rufus says they're getting married, it's more than R.Kelly can stands and he actually fires a bullet into the air!

"Not another one of you sons of bitches say a word!
Cuz all of this shit I'm going through is unheard!!! "

Part five is the most disturbing. He basically threatens to kill his wife, pulls out his gun again! But even wierder is they edit out half of the swear words with the sound, TOooK! "You'd better talk now before I burn this mothaTOoooKer! down!!" Observe the look of sudden mental retardation on his face when his wife says she knows he was cheating.

The whole thing is just so wrong. And long... Much like this post. I mean, it's bad enough that he's a pedophile on the loose, but then he advertises his love of guns and his album still makes millions! I mean, I should be making millions I can write ridiculous lyrics like. I can sing. Am I not dope? Am I not hip? Could I not write a lyric that rivals, "You're in the kitchen, cooking me a meal, something makes me want to come in there and get a feel!" He's just a nutty perv! I'm so angry... This is one album, I won't feel guilty stealing.

Why oh why did Dave Chapelle retire before spoofing this? Oh well, jimmy kimmel will have to do.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Lab tales part 3

One of my less pleasant chores in the lab is taking shots of yeast cells that we stain with certain fluorescent dyes. By staining the cells with certain dyes over a period of several weeks we can make certain conclusions about their metabolism, data which we use to make outrageous claims about longevity. But that is neither here nor there. You see, as interesting as the research is, what happens is we get a huge backlog of these microscopic samples and every now and then we have to spend hours and hours taking pictures of these fluorescent slides.

Doesn't sound too unpleasant, but when the day does come it is usually met with a great deal of reluctance. Basically I spend a day in a dark room looking into a microscope at some glowing little dots. It's very tedious. And after a while it starts to take a toll on my already waning sanity. Try looking at this for many hours at a time.

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I try to pass the time by listenning to music but that resulted in some embarassment when one of the PHD's walked in to see me bobbing my head all gangsta like alone in the dark. "THE SAGA CONTINUES!!! WU TANG WU TANG!!!" Amazing how people can always walk in on you at the most awkward times. Other people come in periodically... Friends and foes alike. Wormtongue's visit was especially unwelcome, "Who knows what you spoke to the darkness, alone in the bitter watches of the night, when all your life seemed shrinking. When the walls of your microscopy room close in around you... A hutch to trammel some wild thing in." What a creep!

Inevitably I wonder to myself what Vrej, Neil and Derek are doing at work and inevitably I picture them all fast asleep in their respective cubicles with smiles on their faces. Then I wonder how much the world will have changed when I actually emerge from the microscopy room. It would be like some creepy science fiction movie. I would go back to my apartment and find people living there. And the father would yell at me, "What are you doing in our apartment?"

Me: "I live here!"
Angry father: "We've lived here for the last 3 years!"
Me: "That's impossible. My name is Chris Gregg, I just went to work."
Angry father: "What? This is ridiculous.... Chris Gregg died 17 years ago in a sky diving accident!"

Da Da DAaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Then in an attempt to unravel the mystery I would have to find people I know and ask them what's going one. I would discover it is the year 2085. And all of my friends and family have passed away. Then I would come across a somewhat familiar name. "Milen is still alive? Maybe he could help."

And I'd find his adress, go to his place.

Milen: "Who are you?"
Me: "I'm Chris Gregg..."
Milen: "That's ridiculous... I don't have time for this..."
Me: "Oh... But don't you? IceManPwnsU????"
Milen: "Mmm... IceManPwnsU? Now there's a name I haven't heard in quite some time..."
Me: "Yes... It's coming back to you isn't it? Back in the days when we would fight side by side on the crimson fields of Coagulation! You called me brother back then!!! Now I ask for your allegiance once more! Help me get back to my time!"
Milen: "Mmm... I'd rather not."

Then he'd probably slam the door in my face... And I'd wander the streets and in some bizarre turn of events save his youngest daughter from muggers. And I'd become an unlikely member of the family... From the past. Or something like that.

Yeah... microscopy... I don't know how much more I can take!

Monday, August 08, 2005

Now witness the firepower of this fully swinging and shagadellic sanctuary!!!

So I've mastered buying groceries, doing laundry and bumming food off of my dad. The final step of living alone... Entertaining guests.

Thursday was the first Poker game hosted at Casa da Masta, as my apartment will be henceforth referred to. Janine brought some awesome cookies, thank you. Others brought food and alcohol. I am greatful to you ... my people...

The actual poker didn't take so long as I lost very early. One of my evil friends won game after game by getting the perfect card on the river! She's the devil. Other people who lost early drowned their sorrows in alcohol. Not just any alcohol, but filthy ass wine which they poured out of a goddamn bag into my obi-wan/general grievous cup. The thing held about a liter of liquid and between two of them I think they had 2+ liters of wine. They then proceeded to mix the filth wine with a generic 7up called, Choose Up. We called the vile concoction Star Wars juice. It was pretty nasty. Like... the opposite of ambrossia. Anyway, one of them spent the evening drunk and ill on the floor of my bathroom. I feel conflicted about that... I mean, I felt bad that she spent the evening on the dirty bathroom floor, but I feel like I threw an awesome gathering to get someone that drunk. Anyway, cudos to all who showed up. It was great.

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Saturday, alpha posse came over for Jbo's bday. Happy bday Justin. Thanks for the bowls Vrej. Now I can serve chips in them, instead of out of the bag. And Mad propz to Dave who brought over a bucket of KFC. He brought it based on the racist assumption that all black people love fried chicken. I was offended and secretely elated that Dave knew black people so well. Damn straight I love fried chicken. So if wearing a pimp hat and eating fried chicken makes me a stereotype black guy, Then BLACK ME UP WOMAN!!! Fried chicken is like... sweet, sweet ambrossia.
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Mad props to Marie Eve who brought cake for Jbo's birthday and then tried to chop his head off. Excellent cook... brilliant assassin. Propz.
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Vrej loved my apartment so much, he tried making sweet love to it, hoping to empregnate it, giving birth to little baby apartments.
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The oddest part of the evening was playing this Karaoke game that Vrej brought over. You sing into a mic and it measures the pitch of your voice and rates how well you sing the song. Then you get a rating, either good, gold or platinum. In a disturbing turn of events I got Platinum for singing Britney Spears' Toxic and Norah Jones' Don't know why I didn't come. That's both gay and white! I'm going to have both my dizz and my blackness revoked... Like Michael Jackson.

Justin sang a rendition of Broken Wings that would quite simply peel the enamel off your teeth. Mend these broken wings??? Mend my broken ears!!! Mo also needs work.
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Marie eve got platinum for any song she sung. Incredible. Kenny was pretty sick too, though I don't think I would buy his album... If he did release a single that is.
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But the biggest surprise was Vrej, a man I've known for what... 15-16 years? He sings like one of the dude's from Nsync. Not justin timberlake... Maybe the guy who does drugs. What's his name again? Larry... Sync? Anyway, Vrej singing well was shocking.
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Anyway, let's hope that Casa Da Masta becomes THE new place to hang out. It's great having various peeps over, and not just because they bring food and alcohol. Remember, when you're at Masta's place, don't make yourself comfortable... Make yourself, DAVE Comfortable!!!
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... and bring food.