Denial

I remember a few weeks ago while we loitered at McDonalds, Jbo asked if I was afraid of anything. I boldly replied, "NO! I fear nothing! My logical mind is immune to fear!"

But I'm glad no one was around to see me deal with the spider on my wall last night. For some reason I grabbed a cardboard tube, the kind used for wrapping paper. That's how messy my room was incidentally. Trying to tidy up is like being an archeologist, each layer like a page in history. "Here's the carboard tube from Christmas... Here's my Genetics quiz from November."

Anyway, the carboard tube wasn't very effective in killing the spider. It sped along the edge where the wall met the ceiling. Then it let itself fall to the window cill. The thing was freaking agile... Like... Spider-man! No... that doesn't make sense. It was as agile as The Incredible Hulk!

Somehow, in my mind I thought I needed a better tool. What do I grab? My freaking bamboo staff! And I start thrusting towards the thing. Not too bright obviously... The spider easily dodged the normally devastating weapon. I had a nice little Kung Fu routine going: Staff, cardboard, staff!!! But I was bested by the spider until it finally escaped under my bed. My heart sank.

I REALLY hate when that happens. The humiliation of being bested by something with the brain the size of a pin head is bad enough. But my mind becomes obsessed with the consequences of letting the creature escape. Especially under my bed. That's a pretty good environment for a spider. It can build its web, catch all the little critters that live down there... Get big and fat! What if it was ripe with eggs? Then it's at this moment laying eggs where I sleep. If I woke up with little spiderlings crawling all over me... I don't think I could handle that... Emotionally I would be.. broken...

Was the spider sent to teach me a lesson? When Jbo asked if I was afraid of stuff should I have whined like a little girl, "Oooh... i hate bugs!" Firstly, I don't think I was 'afraid' of the spider. I just don't like them. Secondly, even if I was afraid, acknowledging the fear is the first step to defeat. How do you think people on Fear Factor eat all sorts of nasty cockroaches and what not? Denial! How does George W. Bush respond to accusations that he attacked Iraq to aquire oil? Denial! How does Shaggy tell his friend to defend himself against accusations that he was sleeping with another woman? "It wasn't me!" Denial!

Deny your fears! Deny any reality that doesn't suit you, emotional or physically manifest. Deny them until you actually believe your own lie. Then when someone asks you if you have fears, you won't be lying. It's not a lie, if YOU believe it!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sleep... In the living room... with my staff.