Greatest Goat of All Time

I was supposed to be studying last night, so naturally I started listenning to hours and hours of music late into the night. I came across an old LL Cool J song and recalled that it was from an album that he entitled the G.O.A.T. This stands for Greatest Of All Time. I have two problems with this. 1) Greatest what of all time? It's so veg and broad. 2) The name invariably conjures up the image of a goat. Goat's are not cool or bad ass.

I can just picture LL going around with people calling him Goat. "Goat, could you pass the salt?" Or, "Yo, the Goat, your rent is due motha f**ka!!!"

At first I wondered why anyone would want to be associated with such a non-assuming animal. But I started feeling it after a while. Goats eat stuff. Are you tough enough to eat a tin can? Well, if cartoons have tought me anything, it's that goats eat tin cans. Also, when you call goats, Billy Goats.... I don't know... That seems kind of tough. Does anyone remember that fable, The Billy Goats Gruff?

See, there's this Troll, Troll's being a big problem in those days. And the Troll lives under a bridge, bridges being the most affordable real-estate at the time (let's say... 1920's). Anyway, so this tiny little goat crosses the bridge. It's all cute with long eyelashes and blue eyes. And the Troll goes, "AHA! I will eat you goat!" But the small goat says, "Hey, don't eat me! My brother's coming up behind me and he's MUCH bigger than me. I'm barely an appetizer!"

So the Troll runs a pensive hand through his dreadlocks and says, "Your treachery to your kin puzzles me. Nevertheless, I will hold out for the bigger goat." And he lets the small goat pass.

So another goat, slightly bigger comes by. The exchange between him and the Troll proceeds in much the same way. "Goat, I shall eat you!" the Troll says and the goat replies, "YO, my bro is coming and he's bigger and jucier and... woah! You'd be barbecuing goat for days man!"

So the Troll says, "Sweet... You may pass, medium-small sized goat. I'm waiting for the big payoff!" And this repeats itself for several goats (3-8 goats, I can't remember). So the Troll is waiting for a big goat to come. Probably crossing his fingers, "Gee, I hope this next goat promises me a larger goat."

So the ground starts trembling. The water under the bridge is making concentric circles from the shockwaves of goat steps, like the T-Rex in Jurassic Park. And the Troll is so stupid and greedy he just licks his lips and says, "Oh man, this is going to be the biggest goat ever! I'm so hungry."

And this huge goat, slavering and snarling comes to the bridge. The thing must have been on steroids or something, it's like, 3 times the size of the Troll with big demonic horns reminiscent of Beelzebub's and fangs. The thing had blood in its fur. The Troll points a finger at the goat and says, "Goat! I shall eat...." then realizing his foolishness cries, "Holy s**t!!!!" Without warning. The the huge goat like... violates the troll and throws the bisected carcass in the water!

So the huge goat gets to his brothers when one of the intermediate sized goats asks, "Where are we going anyway?" And the biggest goat says, "I don't know... I was just following you!"

Anyway, my point is, LL Cool J's nickname is cool, if and only if, he associates himself with the goat from that story. Nuff said!