Tuesday, November 30, 2004

The Mandatory Halo Post

So Halo 2 is out. I love that game very much... When I'm not playing, I'm talking about playing, or thinking about playing. Moments ago I was online checking my stats!! They keep track of all of it online! Not only was I checking my stats! I was showing people my stats! Some of them were women!

Me: "Hey Baby... I came in 3rd place last night in a Halo Rumble Pit match."
Hot girl: "Get away from me you loser!"
Me: "Obviously you're a Lesbian... I'm not a loser."

It's funny that girls seem incapable of understanding the joys of Halo. It's interesting to see the look of complete indifference when I describe how Droopy and Icemann Pwns U and I planted a bomb in the enemy base! It's funny to watch their brows furrow in confusion when I explain how Icemann Pwns U is a guy's name and why it's hilarious.

Here's a sad story. I was invited to a bar this Friday, and I spurned that invitation to play Halo. Let's examine why. Living on the south shore, going to a bar involves taking the bus in the cold. Then arriving at the specified venue and being charming. Playing Halo involves staying home and being as rude as I damn well please. I enjoy calling my friends punk ass bitches and then shooting them. That's the gift of Halo.

Mandatory Sister's BF complaint

So the dude comes over and asks to play Halo. He logs onto my account, plays for a few hours, and lowers my score!!! I just checked online. He came in 8th out 8 players in 4 games... 9th place in another... He sucks hard! And now his suckiness is online permanently for all to see! Under my name!!!

You know, it occured to me that when two people are dating, the expression used is "Those 2 people are going out." This is what I want for these two. I want them to go out. I want them to get out! Get out of the house! 11am on a Sunday is MastaCSG time. I dont want to put effort into not being hostile. It's sunday... A day for me to be obnoxious to my family. Not a day to bite my tongue while guests are over. Havign company means I have to get dressed before 1pm, maybe... wash up... It's ridiculous. On a sunday? Bloody hell!

Sister's BF: "Wow... I came in 8th place again!!! Oh well... The point is, I'm having fun."
Me: "Hey! Here's 20 bucks... Maybe you should take my sister to a movie or something. What kind of movies do white people like?? Is Spanglish out yet? You'd love it. It's about time Adam Sandler and Salma Hayek were in a movie together."
Sister's BF: "Actually Adam Sandler and Tea Leon-"
Me: "-Stop... I don't give a flying....... Now I want you, to go out with my sister. Go out! NOW!"

Monday, November 22, 2004

A lazy sunday

It was to be a beautiful lazy Sunday morning. I woke up nice and late and by 12pm I was on MSN still in my pyjamas. Who busts into my house? My sister's boyfriend.

So, the dude is white. Which is alright.... I guess... Some of my best friends are white! Really! But some of the situations that arise are just plain hilarious. Just like a sitcom. I remember he was over for supper once and my mom asked if he wanted white meat or dark. We all knew she was talking about chicken but I almost choked.

This weekend was particularly funny. I was studying in the living room listenning to music. I walked out to make myself a very late lunch. When I came back into the living room, there was my sister's bf all alone and guess what track was playing? Honkeytown.

I'm the Country Modee and I'm here to last!
I'll put any white boy in a cast!
....
Too many whiteys I'm going insane
I feel like an indian from John Wayne!
Say Honky, Honk Honk Honk! Honky Honk Honk Honk!

Me: "oh... I see you're trying to study. Let me turn off the music."
Sister's BF: "Oh, that's okay."

Well, that was awkward.

Later on that day, still studying in the living room sans music. Him and my sister bust in turn on the tv and start watching Hope and Faith. NO!!! In my sanctum????

*dramatization*
Me: F**k that s**t! I ain't watchin' no f**kin' Hope and Faith! Go f**k yourself you dumb b*tch!
My sister's bf: That's no way to talk to your sister...
Me: I was talking to you!

That show's pretty white, but whiter still is my sister knows some of the people who were in the show from soap operas and what not. Nyarrr... Anyway, I fell asleep. When I woke up, the loathesome entertainment show on CFCF12 was on. The guy said, "Coming up, we talk to the actors of Blade 3!!!" Now anyone who knows me knows that Blade is my hero. I own Blade 1 and 2 and have been anticipatint 3 for a very long time.

What does my sister's boyfriend do? He actually changed the channel. WTF??? I took a few deep breaths. "Would you mind turning it back to CFCF, please." He complied. To my disgust they don't even interview Wesley Snipes nor do they show anything from the movie.

*dramatization*
Sister's BF: Woah!!! Ryan Reynolds is in it!!! Two Guys and a Girl! That show was sick guy! Give me some props!!!
Me (revolted to the point of nausea): I will slap the hell out of you. They didn't even interview the star. Wesley Snipes.
Sister's BF: Who's Wes... Lee... Snipes?

Then I shot him.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Adulthood

Last weekend I attempted to answer that age old question; Who would win a fight between Dr. Octopus and Captain Benjamin Sisko?



Let's look at the facts. As we can see in this picture, Dr. Octopus seems bigger than captain Sisko. Even if the figures were to scale, I imagine Sisko would still not look as impressive. However, Sisko is the Bajoran emissary. He must have some eerie powers to defeat the villainous PHD!

Other facts... This weekend at the restaurant, I childishly began smearing hot sauce on people at the table. Saturday, after buying the Dr. Octopus "serial produced posable sculpture" (action figure), I went to Jbo's house to play video games for some 4-5 hours. This is after seeing the G-rated, Incredibles animated motion picture in the theatres.

Sunday, I stood by while my mommy and daddy made countless measurements to figure out the best way to run an ethernet cable from my router to my Xbox. Then... drilling ensued.. hammering... Why? Cuz I need to play a video game, the forementionned, Halo 2. Oh yes, I felt like quite the spoiled brat. And not very mature at all when I had to explain the further expenses involved in Halo 2, ie, getting high speed internet, the Xbox live account which gives access to their network.

Dad: "You still have to spend more money on this thing???"

Later that evening, while talking about the Incredibles and showing off my Doc Ock action figure, my dad mentionned something.

Dad: "Hey, I finally saw that character on TV that you're always talking about... Mr... Soap... Something??? That movie looks REAL stupid Chris."
Me (enthusiastically): "Spongebob Squarepants!?!"
Dad: "yeah... you'd better bring your sister to that!"

Spongebob, Incredibles, Action Figures, Video games, Star Trek... It all comes back to my original question. Who would win a fight between Dr. Octopus and Captain Sisko?
Answer: No woman who reads this post will ever date me....

PS: ICEMAN

Monday, November 01, 2004

The Saddest Post Ever...

Here's a quick history of MastaCSG and video games.

Once upon a time, a video game called Street Fighter 2 was released. This was back when MastaCSG was just plain old Chris Gregg in an elementary school. But even then, my gifts were obvious. I was virtually undefeated in that game. I was so good I would actulally play with my back turned to the screen so that others would have a chance. I would still win. Droopy Mcc can attest to that fact.

Years later, Mortal Kombat, Killer instinct, Mario Kart.... A similar situation arose. I was like... the chosen one of video games.

To bring some balance to the universe, God created the real time strategy game, Warcraft 2. Only one person could beat me at that game; Mr. Kenny Chu. Aside from him, I dominated that game much as I dominated Street Fighter 2. Again, Vrej can recount the savage beatings he got in that game, though others have experienced my awful wrath. I think after a while, Vrej didn't even understand how he was getting beaten. He couldn't boast a single victory against me. He may as well have tried lifting a bus over his head, because I would not be defeated! Soon, he would just stop mentionning Warcraft 2 altogether. Like it never existed.

And then there was Halo. As I've explained to the good Rezaul Haque, the fact that I'm one of the few in our circle that didn't own Halo, kind of gave others a fighting chance against me. I still have many impressive victories in Halo, but nothing that has created anything close to the complete humiliation I used to conjure in my glory days.

This is why God has created Halo 2. This will be the game that Rez will be talking about the next day at work. "I don't know why I can't beat the Masta!!!! This shouldn't be possible!! Allah, why?????"

It will be the game that Vrej never talks about.
Rez: "Hey, Vrej, I hear Chris schooled you at Halo 2 last night. AGAIN!!"
Vrej: "I don't wanna talk about it... There is no Halo 2."

It will be the game that kids around the world will be crying to their mommies and daddies about, "I hate you for getting me Halo 2 for Christmas. Some dude named MastaCSG from Canada just humiliated me in front of my little friends... AGAIN!!!"

CHRIStmas indeed. You guys better effing practice, because if history is any indication, you will have your asses handed to you again, and again and again... Santa Claus will peer in through your window and wince at your humiliation. "Holy s**t!" Santa will say, "That sumbitch got his ass handed to him!!!" Then his elf will say, "You are correct Santa. One might say, that gentleman got served!"

"F**K!!!" Blitzen will bellow, his primitive reindeer mind somehow comprehending the severity of your many defeats, sheer incredulity forcing the animal to release a steaming load of reeking feces upon your rooftops!

Vrej, openning a christmas gift: "Ooh, what's this?? A present from Chris??? OH NO!!! NOT MY ASS!!! Handed to me... AGAIN!!!" weeps bitterly.
Vrej's Mom: "Vrej! Stop playing that game!! There's reindeer s**t all over the house!!!"
Rez, busting in through Vrej's front door: "Vrej man, I need a mop!!"
Vrej: "...Reindeer droppings?"
Rez: "Aye... Reindeer droppings..."
All three simultaneously: "DAMN YOU MASTACSG!!!!!!!!!"

The expense... The neglected studies... The waning frequency of social interaction... My God.. It will be beautiful. This Christmas, Chris Gregg will regress to a state of immaturity the likes of which hasn't been seen in over a decade. And if immaturity is the peanut butter, then video game prowess is the strawberry jelly, each condiment present in equally excessive proportions to bring strife and grief to all those who dare pick up their X-box controllers and challenge me to Halo 2.