The Rat Who Shagged Me

My friend Stef sent me this article about caffeine making female rats randy.

http://www.webmd.com/content/Article/117/112560.htm?pagenumber=1

It's always interesting to read studies about animals that don't involve actual quantitation of chemicals in their bodies because it requires so much human interpretation. In this study they say that if female rats were given caffeine before getting it on with a male rat, they were more likely to want seconds afterwards (more sex not more caffeine). They say the females "visited faster" afterward. But couldn't that just be because they were hyper from caffeine? They say the female would only leave after receiving more sexual stimulation.

But this begs the question, what's sexy to a female rat? Do the researchers know she was being sexually stimulated? Maybe the female was just coming back to chat with the male rat about marriage and children and the meaning of life. The male rat, not wanting any part of the conversation decided to grope her knowing this would result in more sex and/or less talking, causing the female rat to leave in tears, "You're only interested in one thing you rat bastard!"

It also makes you wonder how much of the researcher's own horniness factors into his/her data. "Oh, look, she's very interested... Who wouldn't be interested in having carnal, torrid relations with such a studly rat? My own husband doesn't bare his teeth that way anymore. Nor does he lash out with his tail in that come hither manner... In fact the last time we made sweet rat love, it lasted 10 seconds and..."

Anyway you get the point. I know someone who does REAL research on rats. I can't remember exactly what it involved. Something about letting them start having sex and then stopping them before the act was complete and then measuring the chemicals present in their brain. It's cold and quantitative like real science should be. (It's also brief and unsatisfying to the woman, like sex should be!!! cue the Fox network-esque OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'm just joking) Science reduces sex to a few chemicals produced by the brain with no human biases to mess up the data. No talk of, "Mmm, looks like the female wants a cigarette... I know I would." Or, "If I were a female rat, I'd definately want a man with a long tail who could last all night long." (This is an assumption, correct me if I'm wrong, J-9).

I guess it would be much easier if the rats could just speak English. Then we could listen to the conversations between all the female rats, "I was intimate with Bill last night and between you and me,it was he was so well endowed it's almsot as if he has TWO tails!!!" or, "I was intimate with Larry last night and quite frankly, it lasted about the amount of time it takes to spring a rat trap!"

I really can't remember where I was going with this... I originally had some very profound comment about sex and how animals are... something? Morality? Secularism? I can't remember. For some reason I can't get the thought of a rat with a giant wang out of my head, so this post is over.

Someone send me pics from the Toga party so I can write a post about it!