Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Holiday Hi-lights and Low-lights

Another holiday season has come and gone. I'm satisfied cuz I got to see friends and family before it was all done. I guess the main event was New Years which was basically drunken Karaoke night. It was a trans-posse affair with people from High School, the lab and even from out of town coming together in a tone deaf, orgiastic collision of worlds. Where else do you get to see Simon and Vrej team up to sing I had the Time of My Life while gazing longingly into each other's eyes? It was also somewhat prolific to have our old Math Teacher's son, in the room singing off key with a glass of whisky in his hand at all times. And of course those racists brought Fried Chicken with them.

Prior to that there was an outing with Marie-Eve, Pat and Mel that will go down in history as one of the most awkward movie outings ever. It started off with Karaoke at my apartment, then moved on to deliciousness at Baton Rouge. All good so far. A note of interest, that a conversation came up about the fact that the amount of ribs produced implied that many pigs died to feed us. Marie-Eve acted scandalized as if she didn't know that ribs came from dead pigs. I mention this for a reason that will come up later.

After food it was time for the movie and this is where things got messy. Mel had warned me before hand that she had promised to see Brokeback mountain with a friend of hers and that we were all to come. Now, it wouldn't be the first time I'd been accused of being a homophobe, but it really didn't interest me to see a movie about two gay cowboys. I don't think that makes me prejudice. How many of you racists saw Amistad?! Exactly. No matter, Pat and I could easily go see another movie while the ladies went to see Brokebackside Mountain Cowboys.

But then at dinner, Pat bails on me! He says he'll go see Brokeback Mountain, leaving me with the option of going home, or going to see another movie by myself. Anyway, after about 2 hours of complaining, we get to the theatre and I grudgingly pay for my ticket to see Brokeanus Cowboys, praying no one would see me there. The girls of course are like, "It won't be so bad, what's the big deal? Two cute guys who happen to be gay."

It was really funny because in the theatre, most people were obviously gay. Not only that, several gay couples seemed to know each other.

Bruce: "Hey! I hear this movie is great with all the sodomy and man-love."
Serge: "Yes. Gaylord Weekly called Brokeback Mountain a heart-warming, sphincter ripping good time!"

Now, not only was the movie itself pointless, but it included several scenes of graphic man love including a very early scene of sodomy. It was stupid. The movie basically sets itself up like this, "Hey, Heath Ledger, you look cold out there... Why not share this here tent with me?" and then they wake up in the tent and sodomize each other. One girl in the theatre got up and ran out of there the moment it began.

Anyway, the guys keep in touch. Then they get married and cheat on their respective wives to go to Brokeback Mountain and get it on. You don't really get a sense that they're in love. Just very horny. One guy goes to Mexico. I didn't realize at the time but it was explained to me that he was hiring male jigalows to satiate his lust for men. Have you ever seen a love story where some guy gets tired of keeping it in his pants so he hires a whore cuz his true love is otherwise occupied? Nothing says romance like a mexican man-whore... shudder... I hate this movie so much. SPOILER WARNING* The entire movie there is the sound of ravens cawing in the background and big surprise one of the gay guys dies! How tragic. And subtle. Is it just me or whenever a movie or franchise is going nowhere, they find it necessary to kill off a character?*

Let me say I also hated this movie for all the same reasons I hated American Beauty. Family values are kind of thrown out of the window to focus on two hopeless and selfish individuals. Big whoop! I think the movie fails on all levels. As a love story, as pornography, as drama, as a buddy comedy, as an action adventure, as sci-fi thriller... It's a train wreck. I hated it... I hated it right in the face!!! And I know all the critics are gushing all over it. Nuts to them!

What was fun though, was that the girls were just as uncomfortable if not moreso than the guys. "But.. But... They took it up the ass!"

Newsflash! That's what gay people do! It's all well and good for girls to think of gay men as well-dressed, mild-mannered, effeminate people who you can complain about your boyfriend to. But apparently it slips their minds that homosexuals, like heterosexuals, need some kind of orifice to carry out their... deeds... It's called reality (not the orifice mind you.. the orifice is called the @#$!&*). You can't enjoy ribs and pretend something didn't die to produce them. And you can't say you're not homophobic if the thought of two men ummm... making love? makes you uncomfortable. Anyway, that's the last time I keep an open mind. Thanks a lot PAT, MEL AND MARIE-EVE! Woman I will NEVER forgive you for this!

You know, I raised an eyebrow when Frodo kissed Sam on the head, I have no business going to see a movie like Brokeback Mountain. I guess I'm not mature enough. It took all of my will not to scream out, "OH S**T!!! THAT'S NASTY, GUY!!!!" I'm sure one day my ignorance will be tempered, but... this movie was too much too soon. Mind you I have no problems whatsoever with gay people. But I think portraying it on the big screen cheapens the beauty of love shared between one dirty ass cowboy and another and that it should be kept private! The only on screen man kiss that I felt was appropriate was between Aragorn and Boromir in the Fellowship of the Rings. After a discussion with my friend Jenn, we came to the conclusion that man kissing is only acceptable if one of the men has been pierced by several poisonned arrows and they are surrounded by dying Uruk Hai.

Otherwise, fun holidays. Thanks to all who took a part in New Year's at the Crizzouse. Vrej's bitterness toward New Year's comes with an important message. We don't need New Year's as an excuse to gather and get soused. This is what the Crizzouse is for. So for 2006 I prithee... Let's see more gatherings, more partying and more MORE Fried Chicken!

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