Most likely, one or many of you fine ladies out there was trying to call me last week and got a strange message on my phone. After two rings, a voice would ask you for a voice box number before I even got a chance to answer. I apologize and assure you the problem has been rectified.
And it wasn't easy. First of all, like all customer service situations, it required calling from work. I mean, why should the idiots at Bell be available when I get home or at another convenient time? After all, it's not like they're going to waste my time while I'm at work, by keeping me on hold for almost an hour.
OR IS IT???
Of course it is. I call the idiots... First off, Bell has a voice recognition system. I guess pressing numbers is too convenient for them. You have to talk to a machine to get service.
Voice Message: "Welcome to the Bell automated phone service. For service in English SAY English."
Me: "English."
Voice Message: "Bonjour! Comment est-ce que je peux vous offrir une excellente service aujourdhui?"
Me: "English!!! ENGLISH!!! Godamn it!!!!"
Voice Message: "Ca c'est une service automatiser qui repond a des commandes vocales. Si vous avez besoins d'aide, dites le mot, 'aide'."
Finally I get through to some idiot. I explain my problem, "Yes, when hot ladies call me, after two rings, they get a message asking them for a voice box number."
There's a long pause before the customer service guy responds with the competence and wisdom I've come to expect from a customer service rep, "HUH?! I don't understand."
I eventually manage to get him to understand the problem by getting him to call my phone line at home. Of course, before this was the mandatory security check. He asked me for my name and adress and phone number just in case I was someone else, trying to fix my phone problem. This is obviously a common problem, someone trying to fix problems. So they put me on hold. Then he comes back on the line, "Oh, that is strange. Let me trasnfer you to repair."
He puts me on hold again. The guy from repair answers. This guy's rude and its obvious that everything I say to him is just an unwelcome distraction from whatever it was he was doing before. "I don't understand your problem," he growls. Eventually we do the security check again. He calls my hom number leaving me on hold AGAIN!!! Then when he's back on the line, he says, "Oh, I'll transfer you to the ummm... RIGHT department." I imagine him transferring me then picking up a bookmarked Penthouse magazine so he can continue whatever it was he was doing before I called.
Now some bubbly girl answers the phone. Exactly the same thing happens. Confusion followed by security check. She calls my house, puts me on hold. Then she gets back on the line and says, "Oh, let me transfer you to the ummm... repair department."
Me: "I just got transferred from the repair department!"
Idiot Woman: "Really? What did they say?"
Me: "They said they would transfer me to the RIGHT department. You're the Right department! YOU!!!"
Idiot Woman: "Mmmmm.... Let me get my manager."
This is obviously going to be an epic wait so after five minutes I put the phone on speaker, filling the lab with annoying elevator music and the repeated phrase, "Your call is very important to us... Please stay on the line and representative will be with you in a moment."
As if I'm not angry enough, my co-worker decides to give me some advice.
Co-worker: "What are you doing??? How long have they had you on hold?"
Me: "Oh, ten, fifteen minutes?"
Co-Worker: "Talk to the manager!!!"
Me: "They're getting the manager now."
Co-Worker: "This is disgusting, hang up and call back... Don't be a pussy!"
Me: "Yeah, so I can go through the whole ridiculous process again?! I'll just wait."
Co-Worker: "Let me handle it!!! I'll fix your problem!"
Me: "Yeah?? You're an expert?? Isn't your laptop on warranty? Haven't you sent it to be fixed about twice and you still have to keep the paperclip on the screen so the picture isn't distorted???"
Co-Worker: "That's different... It's Futureshop! COME ON LET ME TALK TO BELL!!! I'll give you the dollar I owe you if you let me speak to them!"
Me: "You touch that phone and I'll kill you!!!"
Co-Worker: "I'm good at this stuff! Ask anyone! AAh, You're pathetic. Even Warren would have gotten service by now!!"
Me: "Warren???"
It's obvious he had some frustration and wanted to live out his fantasy of being a downtrodden customer who was pushed too far by living vicariously through my phone call. I"m getting angrier and angrier as he rambles on. Then another co-worker walks in. She walks up to the phone and stares at it in confusion for a moment before asking, "What's this?"
Me: "That's a phone... It's used to communicate with people over long distances."
Co-Worker: "But..."
Me: "I know, I know... I put it on speaker phone so I could wait on hold and do work at the same time."
Co-worker: "And you expect them to answer??"
Me: "Ummmm yes?"
Co-worker: "You're so naive... I remember when..."
Everything else was kind of a blur. This co-worker has, like the other has also been abused by beauracracy and is waiting to get back several hundred dollars because of some careless screw up. Yet, both of them know the best way to handle my problem. Their inane rambling mixes itself with the soporiphic waiting music and I kind of zone out. Just as the unthinkable was about to happen (one of them decided it would be fun to sing to the automatic message) the people at Bell pick up.
I run to the phone. The guy explains to me in mystified tones, "Yeah, that's really strange. I dont' know how that hapenned??? It doesn't make sense." I love that. Has their computer system developped some kind of artificial intelligence that it's able to outwit every level of management in this god-forsaken company? I mean, for my sake, PRETEND you know what's going on.
Anyway, I was told they could fix the problem in 24-48 hours. He rambled on a bit, "Well... at worst 48 hours... but probably less than 24... But be prepared for 48... I'm really sorry sir. I really don't know how this hapenned. But we'll fix it. I'll send the problem to a technician. Sorry you won't be able to get any calls."
Morons. How about you put the technicians on the phone instead of idiot kids who don't know s**t from toothpaste and waste my time while I'm at work. Regardless... The problem has been fixed. It only took about half an hour or forty minutes of frustration on the phone. I've had worse.
Fun Factoid: 5 billion yeast cells died while I tried communicating with Bell, a company dedicated to providing communication services.
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