Mediocre Bedlam

I was standing at the autoparc waiting for the bus when I heard a bunch of car horns honking. Everyone turned around. Two guys pointed fingers, like when people point out Superman in the movies. "Look! It's the Greeks!" they declared.

As you know, the Greeks are the soccer champs which means that they MUST drive around in cars with Greek flags sticking out. I say must, because many of them seem bored with the whole thing. As if it's their duty to go careening through Montreal, more than their pleasure. I mean, there weren't even any good riots! What kind of faux soccer hooligans are they? For God sakes, break something! You won at soccer!!!

I can just imagine the lead up to one of these drive by screamings. The soccer game ends and some Greek guy has to call up his friend.

John Stamos: Hello? Can I speak to Yanni?
Yanni: Hi John, it's me... How are you?
John: Did you see the game? We won...
Yanni: Oh...
John: You know what this means right?
Yanni: Yeah... I'll be right over.

Then Yanni would calmly go to John Stamos's house.

John: Let's see... Greek Flags? Check! Blue and White body paint? Check! Dishes for smashing? Check! Crowbar...
Yanni: Crowbar?
John: you know... In case there's a riot... We could smash stuff.
Yanni: There's no time for that!
John: There's time!
Yanni: No! No smashing!
John: Maybe you're right.
Yanni: Fine, fine... get the crowbar.

Then they would calmly walk out of the house, their light footfalls, barely making a noise. They'd wave to their neighbour, "Hi Mr. Appleby! Your garden looks lovely today!"
And mr. Appleby would reply, "Why thank you gentlemen! And a good day to you both."
Then Yanni would nod politely.

But the moment they get in the car, they let out a howl of delight and peel out of the driveway yelling and hollering, with an insane look in their eyes. "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! SUCK IT!!!!! YOU ARE ALL MY BITCHES!!!!!!!"

That's what I love about soccer. The hooliganism. I mean, John Stamos didn't do anything to win at soccer, why should he be so elated that they won? But he's on cloud nine for the next few days, and it's all thanks to soccer! Other sports can't do that. If the Japanese win the Benson and Hedges fireworks competition, you won't see a convoy of cars with Japanese flags sticking out of them, with some Japanese guy sticking out of the sun roof screaming, "Suck my nuts!!! WE WON!!!!"

Someone told me today that when you go into England during soccer tournaments, they ask if you're a soccer hooligan. I don't know if it's true or not. It doesn't seem like a reasonable question. Who would say yes?

Are you a terrorist?
yes
no

Do you have a bomb?
yes
no

Are you a soccer hooligan?
yes
no
OY!!!

If you checked off 'yes', or 'oy' for any of the questions, please go home.

Well, maybe we'll get some good riots during the olympics. Who knows what nationalites will tear through montreal, looting, smashing and pillaging like enraged Vikings? If you've ever seen the carnage left in the wake of a good riot, you've gotten that warm feeling in the pit of your belly. When you looked at shattered glass and demolished cars and other various types of flaming wreckage you know, "Awww... Someone had a good time here. This... is good!"

Long live sports related carnage!! And congrats to Greeks everywhere, from John Stamos to Mr. Snuffleuppagus!!