I don't know what it was about today... But I seemed to be especially repugnant today. As if the whole world loathed me. I could see it in there eyes. I can see it in YOUR eyes... What was it about me today that reviled most people I came across? You think I'm being paranoid? Consider this!
I was walking down St. Catherine's street, I was really tired. You know when you don't feel great, and you just pray you don't have to talk to someone on the way home. This was one of those times.
So, I run into my cousin's boyfriend. It could have been worse. He's one of the coolest people you'll ever meet. He's super friendly and he's talking to two cute girls. But I was really, tired though. Headache, backache Bleh... I was not feeling well. Like Superman wearing a Green Kryptonite Bling. And that's when it came. My cousin's bf raises his hand... It was time for the Blaxploitation handshake.
Now I was in no position to execute the complex hand gestures necessary to effect such a handshake. Even when I am alert, I have trouble predicting the elaborate combinations of the handshake. Maybe I lack the coordination, maybe I lack the quick wits... But here it came. Everything was going in slow motion... I could here the 50 cent music in the background.
The hands come together with a manly clap! Good! Drag the hands away so the fingers lock! Success! Rip the fingers apart... Well, that wasn't so bad... But wait??? More of this handshake? Props?? Bumps??? Hand Slaps???? What the...? Stop the madness! Dear God end this handshake! It sounded like an old martial arts flick, with cheesy punching noises. The sun sank beyond the horizon. Epic Gregorian chanting could be heard. Knuckle lock, fist twist, the white crane landing on placid lake... It fell apart when his fist came over mine, and I just grazed it... And it still wasn't over. He came again from underneath and I missed entirely. That my friends, was one failed, black man's greeting.
And with that came a look of embarassment on his face, and disgust on the faces of the two girls. Wow... If there was a scale of blackness ranging from the Olson Twins to Malcolm X, I was measuring off the scale... Hilary Duff perhaps... Or... Paris Hilton/Jessica Simpson hybrid creature.... Wearing "My Stuff!" Peter Jennings is also white. As is Angela Landsbury.
...
Anyway, moving on, I found out these guys were all old friends and had barely recognized each other walking down the street. I grogilly slurred, "Yeah... It's hard when you're ... walking down the street... You sometimes... don't recognize each other..." :-|
Now the taller girl is looking at me like, "Wow... This guy truly does suck." And the smaller girl is thinking, "I want to squash this boy like an insect... I loathe him." They keep talking and again I interject at some point... Making some pathetic comment about sleep. I can't even remember. "Me... I like sleep." Bad...
Another surge of hatred pulses from their eyes, "If you speak again, I will mace you, taser you and then kick you in the nuts. And if you don't die, I'll stab you!"
Anyway, eventually, one of the girls looks right through me and says, "Hi Mat!" and with that they began to leave. This Mat guy was their out and they thanked God he had walked by when he did. "Nice to meet you," I whimpered as they left. They didn't even look back. Thank god, because I think the smaller one wanted to spit on me, just to unleash some small fraction of her seething contempt for me. I imagine that hate saturated saliva would have burned quite a bit.
My cousin's boyfriend raised his hands for more hand slapping hi jinx. Some fingerlocking routine, but this time everything was hapenning above the shoulders. I didn't know how to end it. Was the finale of this some kind of pointing?
I tried to point... But my finger wasn't really straight... It was curled... powerless... flacid... I let my hand drop and walked away in disgrace.
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