Keepin' it Gangsta

There's a funny aspect to being black that you may or may not accept as true.  This bizarre consequence of being black is that you tend to draw psychos.  People with social problems are in fact drawn to black people.

Today for example, some random white guy with a beard sits down next to me and points to the tiles on the wall in metro station and says, "Wow!  It looks like the Milky Way." Now most wise people would just respond with a nod and a grim discouraging scowl.  I, being less wise, decided to dispute the point.  "No it doesn't!" I cried, "Since when is the Milky Way orange and blue?"
And the guy said, "No it does... If you let your mind wander... As mine often does."

Anyway, when the metro came I got a seat far from him.  But I watched fascinated as he approached another black man and his wife.  "Is that a digital camera?" he asked, "Those are my favourite!!"  And as that black couple became annoyed he found yet another pair of black people, this time a frightenned mother and daughter and began to converse with them.  And yes, even another black guy got on the metro was accosted by this bizarre and probably drunken gentleman.  Staggering over to another seat, I noticed the man sat down, looked at a white man as if considering to speak to him, and then declined the opportunity.  It's as if he wasn't good enough to talk to other white people.  But he was good enough to talk to any random black person he came across.

Another time I was walking down the street with a friend of mine from the university.  We're both black and the woman who approached us decided to work this fact into her begging pitch.  She adressed us, "Woah!  Eddie Murphy... ummm... (struggling to think of another black celebrity) Bill Cosby!!!"  Seeing my friend's displeasure at being called Bill Cosby, she decided to try again..."I mean... Denzel (super pleased with herself)!!!!"

At this point I'm already displeased at being the Eddie Murphy to my friend's Denzel.  Then she goes into praising black people.  "No I love Black people.  You guys are... survivors!!  Like me!!!"  Well, hooray!  Another huge leap for the black race.  We are now up to the level of this vagrant woman. 

So, what messed up stereotype do people have in mind nowadays?  Are black people more accepting and tolerant because we've been through so much?  I think I prefer the image of being potentially violent with criminal tendencies and an affinity for stealing.  At least I wouldn't get harassed by the dregs of society.  Yes... They're dregs!    I mean, hasn't the black race been through enough without having to fraternize with idiots?

And it's not just beggars.  I work at a library.  Imagine my horror at being approached by an old Vietnamese man who is pleased with himself because he listens to hip hop.  "I like hip hop!"  I mean, that's all well and good but...  No...  Or some little kid who comes up to me and says, "What's up dawg?"  I scowled at him angrily.  There's no dawg... No.. No dawg kid!  No hip hop!  I guess I was in a bad mood... It was just a little kid he didn't know any better. 

As the years have passed and we shed our agressive and dangerous image, people regard us with a kind of gawky, patronizing fascination.  They slap together an image in their mind from various things they've seen on TV and with an added a dash of Bill Cosby, mixed vigorously with Will Smith, next thing you know, any black guy not wearing baggy clothes is friendly and approachable.

I want to go back to the old school stereotypes.  You approach a black guy, yo' a$$ is gettin' stabbed or shot!  I would have liked to have known what it's like to walk into a room and have everyone hide their valuables, avoid eye-contact and run in terror!  I'm an evil man... I want to be feared!  Damn my boyish good looks and approachable demeanor!  FEAR ME!!!

Honestly though, I don't mind someone coming up and talking to me about hip hop or other "black" things.  But there should be some reciprocity in the whole thing.  I mean, anytime a black person shows interest in anything besides hip hop and... I don't know...drugs, there's always some fool nearby waiting to call you white. 

Me: "Mmm.... I truly did enjoy going to see the Phantom of the Opera on Broadway!"
Some fool: "You so white, guy!  You so white you make Peter Jennings look like DMX."
Me: "Oh... I mean...  Ummm... I heart... hip hop music... And... errrr.... Substance abuse..."
Some fool: "You're the man now, dawg!!!"

Me: "I need to study tonight!!"
Some fool: "OOOh...  You so white, you're like Betty White's white brazier!!  With white frills and white lace... and big white bows!!!  You're white!!"
Me: "Hey.. I'm not Betty White's bra... :-( Ummm... What I meant to say was, I need to take a relaxed attitude toward work and...  wear baggy clothes..."
Some fool: "Hoorray!  I love predictable, easy going negroes!  They make my lack of ambition more acceptable and my inadequacies, less obvious.  Let's light up a big fatty to that, my nizzy."
Me: "Well, I don't smoke!"
Some fool: "You don't?  What kind of black guy are you?"

Why can't I have other interests without being blasted for it?  This sounds racist...  Maybe I should take it "back to the hood", as they say.  Bust into a supermarket with my "gat" held high, hand on my nuts, wearing a visor upside down AND backward,  "Aiight, Everybody get on the f**kin' floor, this is a stickup!!!" Then write a rap song about it.  Now that's a stereotype with some cojones!!  A few random instances of that, and I'm sure no one will come up to me with some meaningless BS like, "Hey, guy! 50 cent!  Ummm... weed!  Fubu guy... fubu..."