I'm a biologist. One of my duties as a biologist is to go to conferences in other towns and give talks. Or in the case of this most recent conference go and... basically live off of the fat of the land. Eat, drink and be merry while listenning to scientists describe their research. I'm told that what is unique about Yeast conferences is that because Yeast is responsible for making alcohol, there is seldom a yeast conference that doesn't serve lots of booze... But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Princeton University
The conference was at Princeton University which is a really beautiful place, despite being surrounded by the buttcrack of america, New Jersey (Garden State? Garbage State? Jersey smell like a dumpster...) I spent five days there with some lab mates. The architecture, I'm told by a hot spanish girl (so hot even the quasi picky (latently gay?) Deder would have to admit she was hot!) who was at the conference, was made to immitate the old universities in England at the time. I'm told by hot girls that hot girls seldom lie. Anyway, everything has an old english feel to it. Going around campus is like roving an old castle. Like Hogwarts! And it's huge so I got lost every two seconds.
Among the things that I enjoyed seeing at the University was the chapel. It was a nice old fashionned chapel. I really wanted to get retarded in the chapel and desecrate it with loud obnoxious hi jinx, but one of the guys taking care of the place was so nice to us I couldn't bring myself to misbehave.
I also took one day in the week to wander alone and came across the Princeton observatory. Not terribly impressive but still. I wish I could have gotten to see inside.
But I think the thing I love most about the university, is at dusk, the fireflies come out. I don't think there is anything more beautiful than fireflies at night. They're like tiny little flying lightbulbs, that produce a silent, green light that generates no heat! I think they're one of nature's biggest little miracles.
Accomadations
I think the thing I love most about the univesity is the food. Bacon, saussage, eggs, pancakes/waffles every morning. Deserts as far as the eye can see, lemon cake, carrot cake, chocolate cake both black forest and otherwise. Cookies... Chicken and ribs, burgers, hot dogs... Honestly, I ate really well. I think abundant food is one of nature's biggest little miracles.
I stayed in a dorm room which took me about 10 minutes to totally mess up. The only dissapointment was having to use a public bathroom. One evening I was going to brush my teeth and some guy was strolling down the long hall wearing nothing but a towel.
His towel fell off and he just made the rest of the trip to the bathroom completely naked. Now that's creed.
Hsin's drunken escapades
So I mentionned alcohol. Here's my buddy Hsin in front of the poster she is presenting at the conference.
It might seem strange to dedicate a section of this post to her but... Honestly, good job!!! I can't remember the last time I've witnessed such and efficient, deliberate drunken rampage.
When the poster presentations were over, she promptly got drunk. When I say promptly I mean, she took a cup, filled it with wine, tossed it back and was krunk for about 3 hours. And then when it was all over, she was perfectly normal. Not sick or anything you wouldn't have even known she was drunk. When the evening was over, and she retired to her dormatory.
However, during her drunkeness I was pretty terrified that she would get all of our asses kicked. When she wasn't tweaking my nipples she was accosting strangers on the street. She tried to tweak our German friends nipples and he flat out said, "If she tweaks my nipples I will slap her."
Scary. Then she yelled at this couple. "ARE WE HERE???" They looked scared and scurried off. Then we actually found a bar on this street called Nassau. My god. There were two incidents that I thought would result in a fight. I remember turning around and hearing her say, "ARE YOU IMMITATING ME??? DON'T IMMITATE ME BEHIND MY BACK!!!" And then some guys said, "YO RELAX, WE'RE NOT IMMITATING YOU!! I WAS TALKING ABOUT JAPANESE PEOPLE!" Hsin then apologized and moved on to have a talk with this guy.
Let me point out that this guy is huge. His bicept is about the girth of my waist. Hsin seemed intent on provoking him.
Hsin: How did you get so big??
Big Guy: I work out on my bowflex??
Hsin: I know someone who uses bowflex... they aren't that big...
Big Guy: I ummm...
Hsin: Why do you work out so much?
Big Guy: Anger management...
Hsin: What are you angry at?
Me: Your mother???
Big Guy: I'm not really angry at...
Hsin: I mean usually people just work out for sports but... What do you... do???
There was a point where Hsin and Klarita had wandered off into the bar. When I caught up with them, there was a group of people tweaking each other's nipples at the counter. Again, good job Hsin. Miraculously, we got home unscathed.
Cheesy Biologists
The conference itself is a very interesting experience. A few things about scientists. They don't care how they dress. I love that. It's all about the work. It's also amazing how much they're in love with their work. I learned a lot from the talks. And got to meet some interesting people.
What's unique about the biology conferences is the biology jokes. Every now and then one of the speaker's would tell a joke and 5 people in the theatre would laugh super loud and everyone else would laugh for fear of being revealed as the dumbass who doesn't get the reference.
Speaker: "So I wanted to find the genes in which the transponsons inserted themselves. Obviously the genes had not yet been sequenced."
Some jerk: "HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Everyone else: "Heheheh... I get it... jeans..."
Aside from talks and workshops, every day one prominent biologist was presented with an award. The presentation includes an old fashionned roast of the professors. One of the presentations included a picture of the very naked Charlie Boone sitting in his office with nothing but an ice bucket over his crank.
What was funny is I encouraged my posse to sit in the balcony one particular night so we could heckle the speaker a la Waldorf and Stadler fromt he muppet show. Right on cue during the award presentation that night, the speaker included a picture of Waldorf and Stadler in his talk!!
BUT the ultimate cheese.... The conference culminated with a lifetime achievement award. The guy receiving the award was really funny. He told this great story about how he had to go to the zoo to collect bird droppings and how him and his friend studying in law went in lab coats to wait for the birds to take a crap. Then they would run out, while all the visitors at the zoo watched.
Anyway, not only was his talk filled to the brim with cheesy jokes, one joke so bad Alex got up and left. But after the talk a band was playing. The much anticipated Cellmates (like... cells from cellular biology?)... It was an old dudes band, that did covers of rolling stones and beetles.
The phd's went nuts!!! They were dancing all night, including the 80 year old who won the lifetime achievement award. I don't know how many of you have seen the kind of dancing that takes place when scientists of all ages and races get together to dance... Anything goes... Conga lines and... Elaine from Seinfeld type dancing. Bizarre jerky movements. And then the ultimate, Mash Pit filled with gray haired men??? My thought was something like, "Oh s**t! the goddamn, phds' are f**king mashing in the goddamn gymnasium, to the smegging cellmates cover of an old ass rolling stones song!"
Did I mention some of the cover songs were deluxe, including customized lyrics about biology.
Cellmate band leader: "THIS NEXT SONG IS ABOUT CARBOHYDRATES!!!"
Some Phd: "CARBOHYDRATES??? F**K CARBOHYDRATES!!! LIPIDS LIPIDS LIPIDS!!!"
I am not embellishing that story. Anyway, like a fool I didn't have my camera. But it was truly insane.
Miscellaneous
Other than that, we just wandered around having fun. I can't imagine what it's like to study at this place isolated from the rest of the world. I ran into some Princeton students. The first impression you get is that they really think they're hot stuff. SOOOO PREPPY. It's like they're from another planet. But I didn't formerly meet any students from Princeton. Who knows, maybe they're as mature as the rest of us.
Oh, and just for you Rez... We went to an insane candy store and had ice cream. Here's me eating said ice cream.
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