The other day on my lunch break I ran into a girl I knew who proceeded to tell me that she had a flight to catch in a few hours. She explained that she was notorious for missing flights and after missing a flight she had to cry in order to convince the airline to give her a flight at a later time. Being in a particularly talkative mood I jokingly asked, "Mmm... I wonder if that would work for me! Or maybe I would have to take the other route and play the angry black man card, ie. YOU'D BEST GIVE ME THE NEXT FLIGHT BEFORE I TEAR THIS MOTHA F**KA DOWN!!!" She responded with a quaint giggle and said, "Wow.. that was cute. I've never seen you act black before." then she realized the irony of talking about missing flights when she had a flight to catch and left.
The point is if I had a nickel for everytime someone said, I don't act black or I'm the whitest black guy they know well, I'd also be the richest black guy they know. Ironically, being the richest black guy they know would also make me the whitest black guy they know. I used to take it personally then I realized that almost all black guys who aren't stereotypes striaght off of MTV have been told they act white.
I saw a brown guy the other day, blacking it up like an electrified black machine on the bus. He was wearing the super baggy clothes with basketball logos all over it, a dewrag and a cap which was worn slightly askew... Anyway, as droopy would say, that's neither here nor there. But he was talking to his friend about having forgotten something at his friend's house. He said something like, "I left my s**t at my friend's Crizzib... Now I have to go back to his crizzib to get my s**t... His crizzib is right near the autopark though, so it's not so bad."
I was pretty upset. I mean... crizzib???? Rule # 1 out of the How to be Black handbook, "You can call your house your crib, you can call your crib your hizzouse, but you must NEVER call your hizzouse your crizzib!!!" And that's for obvious reasons. How dare he throw centuries of ebonics out the window and dishonor my people so casually.
And therein lies the reason that fewer and fewer black people "talk black". Because many white people and some brown people have made it very uncool. And as one thing becomes uncool, black people adapt. For every Vanilla Ice, there is a Brian Gumble. For every Eminem there are 3 Blair Underwoods. For every Ryan Seacrest there are 7.5 Alfonso Ribeiros. And for every House of Pain there are 17 Chris Greggs. So bullocks to any knave who doesn't like the way I talk! Rule #1 about being MastaCSG, I keeps it RELLLLL!!! That's right... rell.
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