TGIF

I've been coughing for months. Around the winter months I do get a persistent cough which has been diagnosed as bronchitis one year, allergies another year. The point is, aside from being very annoying, it doesn't seem to be lethal and normally goes away on its own. It is this belief that saved me hours of waiting in the doctors office for them to tell me, "Oh, you have a cough caused by some ill-defined biological event. Let's call it... Greggitis and just give you some anti-biotics."

Every year people will comment on the cough, often encouraging me to see a doctor instead of blasting out atomized mucus infected with all kinds of microbes from my throat. Normally I refuse the suggestion, but this year I got a few other symptoms to go with the cough.

I first went to the CLSC. I waited for over an hour, and finally was told there were no doctors available. I did get to see a nurse though. The nurse told me I had a cough and I could see a doctor if it didn't get better. Thanks! That assessment was well worth the wait.

A month later, this passed Friday, I went to the Concordia Health center at the downtown campus. They have a walk-in clinic. I go downtown, take a number, see a receptionist and I'm told there's an hour wait. I finally see the doctor and hour and a half later and he basically guesses what's wrong with me. "Well, it's not bronchitis. USUALLY a cough like that might be caused by streptococcus. Normally I would take a mucus sample but it's Friday so... I'll just prescribe some anti-biotics." It's Friday?!? Have I been in the waiting room that long? Even so, whatever disease I have doesn't really care if it's Friday or not. What if you guess wrong doc?

Honestly, it's better than a kick in the pants at this point. I took the prescription and went to the pharmacy. I love the old myth that pharmacists can read a doctor's cryptic handwriting. Why do I say myth? Because I went there, showed them the prescription and the pharmacist there concluded that the doctor hadn't even signed the paper! I looked at it and said, "Isn't this slightly curved line his signature?" The woman said, "No, that's not a signature. Did you go to the Concordia Health Center? Who was the doctor you saw?" I couldn't remember his name. Well, remember would imply that he had given me his name, which he hadn't. This then resulted in an awkward situation of me describing the doctor who I went to see. "He was asian... either chinese or vietnamese...."

Clearly it was Friday and they weren't going to argue the point. So they made me a file and after about 10 minutes told me they didn't have the anti-biotic that was prescribed. Makes sense. Why would a pharmacy have antibiotics? I'd have to go somewhere else. But I'd make sure I got the doctor to make his signature more obvious. So I went back to the clinic. I didn't bother taking a number and just went directly to one of the receptionists. "Yeah, they said the doctor didn't sign this."

The receptionist was in a bad mood because apparently the clinic is busy on Fridays. I just look at her sitting there with a scowl. Poor lady. Life is so unfair, isn't it? There are sick people coming in and you have to do precisely what you were paid to do. So naturally she started to crab at me. "You'll have to take a number, sir."

As if I hadn't waited long enough in the waiting room to see the doctor in the first place, gone from there to the pharmacy and back just to get his signature. "No.... There will be no number taking. I've spent the better part of the day trying to get some antibiotics All I need is for the doctor to sign this paper that he should have signed in the first place and I'll be on my way."

She looks at the paper. "He did sign this!" I smiled, finally some progress, "That's what I said! Perhaps we can go to the pharmacy together and discuss with a pharmacist whether or not the doctor has in fact signed this paper."

She was getting very agitated, "I'm sorry Sir, it's Friday, and I'm stressed, and there's people here and you'll have to take a number."

"You want a number? Here's a number. 5... As in 5 seconds before I tear this motha f*#$@# down!!!" Yup, it was time for some angry Black man stuff, on the last day of Black History Month no less! How appropriate. I was about to get ethnic when a women who seemed a lot busier than the cranky receptionist accomadated me (politely, who would have figured?) and got the doctor to put a little stamp on the prescription with a legible version of his name. It took about 10 seconds. The cranky receptionist got that look on her face where you could tell she resented having the wind taken out of her sails. Like the woman who helped me went over her head or something. She looked like, "When that b**ch gives people excellent service, it makes me look bad."

So I go to a pharmacy, they make me a file. Two of them start arguing over what a particular doctor's name is on a prescription, I'm not kidding. Then more waiting. A pharmacist approaches me, "Mr. Gregg?" She's holding a huge bottle. "So, you should take these antibiotics twice a day for 3 months."

I raised an eyebrow, "3 months? That's... strange."
Her: "Yes. And the prescription is renewable 3 times."
Me: "And what exactly did the doctor say I have? That zombie virus from Resident Evil?"

The woman finally decided to stop and think for a moment. I could see the gears turning in her head. "Now let me think. Have I ever prescribed so many antibiotics before? What will happen if someone takes antibiotics for 1/4 of a year? Think back to pharmaceutical school. Ah yes... One day marijuana will be legal. It makes the pain go away. My hands are huge."

Lady! Focus! Snapping out of her drug induced reverie, the woman finally realized she had misread something and gave me the correct amount of pills to be taken for 1 week and not the previously prescribed 12 weeks. Her excuse, "Yes, his handwriting is difficult to read."

And it was Friday. Well thank goodness your incompetence only extends to dealing over the counter drugs, many of them potential hazardous to a human being's health. I hope I never have to have surgery on Friday. What if I hadn't said anything? And then people wonder why I don't like seeing doctors. The hours that I spent just to get some anti-biotics, talking to dozens of people who really, really don't care. They're just going through the motions of getting people in and out of their lives as fast as possible. Is that a consequence of free health care? I dare not speculate.

You know, I'm one of the few people who enjoys going to the dentist. Man, I went to the dentist the other day, I was in and out in less than 30 minutes. Dentists are usually funny, and they get the job done! My teeth were sparkling like a rapper's bling after he was done. And he was super excited about the thing he used to clean my teeth. "This is like a sandblaster. It contains a saline solution with baking soda. It's really efficient and reaches plases the other rubber polishers can't. It makes other polishing techniques look like a joke!" He kind of looked like William Stryker from X-men 2. He was funny and enthusiastic... A truly excellent service.

Contrast that with medical doctors? "You have a cough? Whatever... Antibiotics might help. If not I don't know what the f**k you have anyway. Maybe you have a cough.... If antibiotics fail... Meh..." Lazily scrapes a pen across a piece of paper.

Me:"Excuse me doctor are you sure you've signed this?"
Doctor: "I may have signed it. I'm a doctor not a calligraphist. Now please leave. It's midterm time and there's a bunch of students in the waiting room who want to defer exams and they can't do it without my pseudo-signature on a piece of paper."

Oh well, at least I seem to be getting better... I mean, I'm still coughing but... The doctor really gave it his best guess. I'm sure everything will be okay. I exagerate to vent my frustration, but the doctor was a nice guy and whatever... I can only imagine after a day of seeing students with minor to non-existant symptoms you must get pretty jaded. I know doctors work hard in many cases and it's probably a thankless job just like most jobs. I'd also like to point out that I dealt with 4 receptionists that day and 3 of them were really nice. I just never feel justified going to doctors. It's almost like I'm bothering them or something. Like they want some more challenging diseases to diagnose. "A cough? You're a Pussy... I'm not even going to diagnose this, there are people with real problems. Let me fill out a prescription. How many 'S's in placebo?"