Tuesday, January 09, 2007

The Spy Who Thugged Me

It was an odd day in the lab. Rather an odd half day. I had started relatively early to finish off an experiment when at about quarter to 10 a security guard came into the lab and said, "Don't wander off too far. We're looking for a 'suspect'."

I was showing someone how to do the experiment I was doing and we looked at each other. "Was that a joke?" Regardless I continued walking around doing my work as if nothing was going on then I commit the ultimate sin... I wandered off too far. I went to the third floor to make photocopies for the student I was working with while she went to her locker. The third floor was almost completely deserted. Then I hear, "Madame il faut sortir!"

Apparently someone had escorted the student away. I was left stranded. Lacking any better ideas and not wanting to go outside in the cold I went back to the lab where I spent the next few hours mostly alone. A guy from the lab next door gave me the summary of what was going on. Apparently a janitor called to say that someone wearing army fatigues was carrying a suspicious looking bag. A bag that COULD contain a gun.

Of course it could have contained a lot of things... Books, kittens maybe lunch. Anyway, whatever was in the bag, the entire school was evacuated leaving only a few zombie like scientists roving around on the fifth floor. It was funny how I ended up being the only person in the lab. I got a few phonecalls from people asking if I was alright. I heard ambulances and things in the background. Someone actually called to ask me to tend to their experiment, which I found somewhat inoble. My life could have been in danger after all.

My mind started to wander as I started to imagine what kind of heroic feats I could describe about how I dispatched with the gunman. Then I started thinking about James Bond and how cool James bond is and wondered what bond would do in such a situation.

Then I thought I should write and produce an "urbanized" James Bond movie called, "The Spy who Thugged Me." I like the word "thug" as a verb. Very versatile. I immediately thought of the Jay Z song where he says, "Yo I, Thug em', f**k em', love em', leave em' but I don't f**kin need em'!!!"

What does thug mean in that context? During my inexorable descent into madness I imagined all my friends outside, partying it up getting all excited about the minor drama taking place. I was trying to figure out how there was absolutely no one else in the lab at that time. Honestly I kind of enjoyed the alone time. Perhaps I should take the opportunity to... remove all my clothes? Sit in the lab naked??? This would be my only opportunity...

But before I could undo one notch on my belt my supervisor came into the lab and described to me what had been going on outside. Cops and guns and ambulances and a huge media circus. And what did they find out? The mysterious bag contained what appeared to be a pair of kendo sticks. Makes sense, they offer a kendo class across the street.

People are saying it's good that people are so vigilant, but i wonder now. All it took was a 9-1-1 call to basically shut down the entire school for the day. It doesn't seem very efficient. If I didn't want to go into work all it takes is a 30 second phone call to shut EVERYTHING down? I suppose it's better than people getting shot but then it also occured to me that if someone really wants to go on a shooting rampage, then there's really nothing anyone can do to prevent them from doing just that? I mean, the gunman just has to have better sense than to go into school with something as large as bazooka, maybe he could wear something less conspicuous than army fatigues like say... some unremarkable shirt from the Gap.

All this to say, all that hooplah for nothing. If someone was going to get shot today, I don't think all of this would have made much of a difference. I think the best prevention is to assign every school an emergency James Bond. And as I was at ground zero during this incident, I think I'm the most likely candidate for this position cuz ...

Noboday does it better
Makes you feel sad for the rest
But I'm MastaCSG
The spy who thugged thee
And I'm keeping all the students safe tonight!

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