Insomnia

For some reason I couldn't sleep this morning so I arrived at work for about 7am. Not having much to do I was pretty much finished my work by 11, 11:30. Now, for those who work on the 5th floor, this is trouble. Everyone knows that a bored MastaCSG is a mischievious MastaCSG. I went to Dr. Martin's lab, distracted them, all of whom were very busy. Then I had a raucous laughing session with Eli, the Exotic Latvian Scientist who was in her office, chatting on msn instead of working.

So I notice that a colleague of ours, let's call him the Sherminator, logs on to MSN and asks Eli, "Shouldn't you be working?" So, I tell Eli to move over, crack my knuckles and commandeer her keyboard. With me posing as Eli, I began a conversation with the Sherminator. Eli looked on in horror.

Sherminator says:
hey! shoulden't you be working
Eli Says:
I want you.
Sherminator says:
no you don't
Eli Says:
I WANT TO JUMP YOUR BONES!!!
Sherminator says:
*surprised emoticon*
Eli Says:
Come now...
Eli Says:
TAKE ME!!!!
Sherminator says:
ummmmm, errrr. ok
Sherminator says:
?
Sherminator says:
it's kind of hard at a distance tho
Eli Says:
I'm waiting for you... In the guys bathroom.
Eli Says:
ONthe fifth floor.
Eli Says:
Meet me there in 4 minutes.
Sherminator says:
but i'm not at school
Eli Says:
Fine...
Eli Says:
30 minutes.
Sherminator says:
but i wont be there then either
Eli Says:
Fine, I'll see what Dr. Tsang is up to.
Sherminator says:
i'm in the waste island
Sherminator says:
but i'll be in soon, train at 11:45

Sherminator then logs off immediately! I can just picture him getting dressed, considers brushing his hair, but leaves in a hurry to catch the train. Now, I don't know how long it takes to get from the West Island to the school, but Sherminator must have broken some record cuz he was in school in about 20 minutes looking rather dishevelled I might add. Now I don't want to jump to any conclusions or anything but... I SUSPECT the Sherminator thought he was going to get some action. I'd like to say I'm a genius but... He just made it so easy. He barely seemed to question Eli's sudden desire to "Jump his bones."

Later and I Eli and I went to invite Sherminator to lunch. We went to his office. I hid around the corner while she asked him if he was free for lunch. Sherminator of course accepted eagerly and when he walked out of his office he saw me with a big grin on my face, "OOH!!! YOU'RE HERE!!!" He said looking surprised and maybe a little annoyed at my presence.

*COCKBLOCKED!!!!*

Anyway, so I asked Eli to save the convo, she then sent it to me via email (a wonderful invention if I do say so myself). My understanding is that neither of them mentionned anything about the bizarre MSN convo.

Then, after lunch I spent another hour bothering people at work. I came home and napped for a few hours. Then posted this blog for you all to enjoy. Another full day of work. I'm tired.

Maury-phobia

I read somewhere that phobias like, fears of spiders, snakes, heights all evolved so that people would have a natural fear of things that are dangerous, but might not seem immediately dangerous. A psychology student told me that that theory doesn't seem to hold much water but nuts to her! Tom Cruise doesn't acknowledge her field of study and Tom Cruise knows everything. He starred in Minority Report for crying out loud!

Anyway, all this jibba jabberin is just a lead up to some clips Dave sent me from the Maury show. I love the guy. He's so evil. In this episode he's brought people who have unnatural fears on stage only to inundate them with the site of that which terrifies them most.

This clip includes footage of a woman who is afraid of birds. But if her fear of birds isn't amazing enough, Maury's sheer amusement over the whole thing certainly is. He laughs at her, ridicules her and as a final insult brings out a tiny bird to watch her shriek and carry on like an escaped mental patient.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PT4PwVhlSvs&mode=related&search=

Watch all the way to the end. The second woman is afraid of mustard! Mustard! And not only that she used to work at burger king!!

Maury: "Do you like ketchup??"
Woman: "I love ketchup!"

And the look on his face. "Mustard??? You're afraid of MUSTARD??? YOU STUPID C**T!!! IT'S MUSTARD!!!" Then he'll flash mustard on the screen. "Even the packets of mustard???" Then he had women bring out trays with big heaping piles of mustard on it. They play this horror music in the back. Classic.

I love the Maury show he's such a bastard. He sits there with a self satisfied smile and when the woman he brings on the air has had a total breakdown, he tells the stage hands, "That's enough!" As if he wasn't involved at all. Connie Cheung must be so proud.

Watch some of the other videos. There's a woman afraid of balloons and a woman who's afraid of pickles. The latter of course works at a restaurant where they serve pickles.

The woman afraid of balloons is special. She thinks it's ruining her life! I mean... I can go months without seeing balloons. I think that's a good phobia to have. I mean, she's still psycho but... Balloons aren't that abundant. But she stayed in her house for 10 months for fear of balloons! Where is she living? The circus district?

Maury: "The way they float??? What could it do???"
Woman: "I'm going to die one day because of baloons. There's just going to be so many of them... I can't do anything with my grandchildren."

What's wrong with her grandchildren? "Grandma, we will not engage in any non-balloon activities! EVER!!!"

Please do watch the videos. He's so cruel to these women. It's great!! Maury you son of bitch... Keep up the good work. This is exploitation at its finest.

Away/Busy/Snubbing

I spend more and more time on MSN like most people. I don't have the opportunity to be online while at work like most people but I imagine if I was working a desk job I would be online almost all day. It's an insidious addiction. I turn on the computer instinctively, sometimes with no goal in mind whatsoever. Even when I know that logging onto msn will only result in me wasting time when I have actual important things to do, I still turn it on. Just to check my email... Just to see who's there... Hours later I'm talking to someone I haven't seen in a while. It's a good way to keep in touch. Chances are I would have lost touch with lots of cool people had it not been for the internet.

I used to think I had the most hilarious personal messges. "MastaC$G- Now with Vitamin C!" "MastaC$G- Part of this complete breakfast!"

But that was a long time ago. It's as if long hours on MSN have crippled my creativity. And everyone's for that matter. Now the personal message includes an irrelevant account of what that person is doing, or will be doing. "MastaC$G- Procrastinating!" Is there anything more ridiculous than announcing to the world that you're wasting time by being online?

As I browse my MSN list now I notice that most people are away. What does "away" mean? I see Jon is "away". I'm going to try talking to him.

....

MastaC$G says:
Hey Jon, are you there?
jons says:
ya?
MastaC$G says:
What's up?
jons says:
noT much, is this chris gregg,being civil???
MastaC$G says:
No, I'm just wondering why you put "away" if you're actually not away.
jons says:
i am away, im in my room though
MastaC$G says:
So you're away from what?
jons says:
if there was a message in proximity i would put it
MastaC$G says:
Okay...
MastaC$G says:
also my friend is writing an essay.
MastaC$G says:
She wants arguments as to why prostitution should remain illegal.
MastaC$G says:
I figure you MOMZ WOULD HAVE A REBUTTLE!!!!!
jons says:
lOl, hmmm

This girl identified as X is now writing me messages. Her status is set to "busy" yet she's offering me a cookie. What's up wit dat???

....

MastaC$G says:
Hey, why is your status set to busy?
MastaC$G says:
If your online, you can't be that busy? What's up wit dat???
X says:
Its whacked.. say it!
X says:
I dont know..
X says:
i tend to do that
MastaC$G says:
Do you like to seem unavailable?
MastaC$G says:
Does that make you feel important??? HUH??? IS THAT WHAT THIS IS???
X says:
THATS EXACTLY IT!!
X says:
brb, my brother just farted and it smells like eggs in my room

Sounds real busy! I think wasting time on MSN is bad enough. But then there are all these mind games involved. Everyone making themselves seem sooo goddamn "busy" and "away". MSN has robbed the words of all meaning.

Disney on Icing

Sometime mid may there was a comment on the message board that Aladdin was a good movie. Tiger commented, "Jasmine? I'd hit it." I of course added my two cents and mentionned that Belle from Beauty and the Beast was easily the hottest of the Disney Princesses.

So this weekend I was to go over to Jbo's and Marie-Eve's for a birthday gathering. The event was being heralded, Masta's birthday palooza. Off the top of my head I asked Joe that morning if Jbo and Marie Eve would do something crazy like buy birthday hats and balloons and stuff like that. I just had a feeling.

So, I show up at the Jbo/Maeva homestead and this is what greets me at the door.



I don't think any two words can adequately summarize what I felt at that moment. Confusion... Maybe I was a little frightenned. Maybe I thought I was at the wrong house. I looked at the neighbour's normal door, without Disney Princesses on it. And then Marie Eve beckonned me inside the one with the disney princesses on the door. I was at the right house. "Why is this a Princess Party?"

And the inside of the house was indeed decorated with balloons, napkins, party hats and yes even the table cloth was covered with Disney Princesses. I don't know how much of the evening I really want to disclose. Even less have documented on the internet.

Marie-Eve really did a great job. She prepared lots and lots of delicious food. I was really touched. And goddamn that s**t tasted good. Chicken brochettes, shrimp, chicken wings (some fried) Salad both corn and macaroni. Veggies with dip and the dip was even put into bell peppers cut in half. I thought putting the dip into hollowed out bell peppers showed EXTRA love. Again, I was moved to tears. It was amazing. Like those chapters in Lord of the Rings where the hobbits sit down to a table of food and make freaking pigs of themselves. Look at all it's majesty.



Here was the Belle princess cake, chocolate spice cake with chocolate chips. I saved the face, for myself.



High lights of the evening include bizarre conversations which will probably come up in court some day to defame my character. ie, Which Disney princess has the biggest cans? I for one said Belle. Dave argued that Ariel must have the biggest cans if she's supporting two seashells on them. Which one of the disney princesses was legal? Stuff like that.

So these party hats are designed for children's heads, I was pretty sure the string would break. But Mo, apparently having divine powers managed to fit one around his waist and use the Disney Princess Party hat as some kind of unholy strap on dildo.



What else? Oh, Rez smashed pink icing in my face. I didn't get pics or videos of that yet, but check the message boards sometime in the near future for those. Another Alpha Posse Miracle... Friday, I was talking to someone and mentionned offhand that "My movie collection would be complete if only I had the star trek movies!"

Sure enough in my gift bag, (with a picture of Belle on it) was the ENTIRE Star Trek movie collection. Add to that the skill game classic Operation, tons of copables from Vrej's trip to E3, I cleaned up gift-wise.

And friends wise! And friendswise ;-) You guys are the best, honestly.

I mean, the evening was disturbing, the decor, gay beyond anything my mind could have previously fathomed. Will I ever forget this? Never. Is that a good thing? The jury is out. There may come a time when I'll need to deny the events of that evening ever took place. But great times as always. Thank you Vrej, Rez, Kenny, Dave, Joe, Mo and of course Jbo and Marie Eve for putting together such a nice bday for me! Heart you all!