Uh-Oh Here comes you know who!!!

Today I found myself singing a jingle from one of my favourite Christmas Commercials. The one where Fred Flinstone is leaving Fruity Pebbles for Santa Claus. It's probably been over a decade since they used to air that commercial and I still know it by heart.

Children: Seasons greetings in our souls!
Fred: Yummy Fruity Pebbles in our Bowls!
*BAM!!!* Uh Oh, here comes you know who!
Santa(busting in): Yabba Dabba Fruity-licious too!
Barney: HoHoHo I'm HuHuHungry!
(incredulous) SANTA??? MY PEBBLES!!!
Fred(furious): YOUR PEBBLES!?
Santa: Tis the Season to be sharing Fred!
Fred (heart softenning): Happy Holidays Pal!
Barney (touched): Awwww. Fred!

It's really quite brilliant. Think about how dense that commercial is with plot and intrigue. In thirty seconds they establish that it's Christmas, Fred is leaving cereal for Santa and Barney intends to steal the cereal by disguising himself as Santa but is foiled when Santa ends up showing up before him. Santa however, warms Fred's heart and instead of the commercial ending as it usually does (with Fred chasing Barney like an impotent jerk), Fred decides to share his cereal and we all learn a little something about generosity and the Christmas spirit.

There are a few things that I used to take for granted back in the day. 1) Cereal apparently is a very valuable commodity. To this day commercials about cereal always depict some character desperately trying to STEAL cereal. STEAL!!! That cocky jerk, Sugar Bear, who apparently isn't above time travelling to ancient China" to steal cereal from an old woman. That stupid Trix rabbit. The ironically named Lucky, who apparently makes the cereal only to have it stolen by punk kids and then be denied eating it. Lucky Charms commercials are particularly disturbing. Lucky's entire existence revolves around keeping his eyes and ears sharp because there's always a group of kids malevolently plotting to steal his cereal.

Kids: "Lucky will never suspect what we're going to do next! Steal his cereal! So I say we go out there, and f**k him up!!"
Other Kid: "I can't wait! It has extra dye and sugar!" (Then the children dash off, wringing their hands in anticipation of screwing Lucky over again).
Lucky: "Hahah, stupid kids... I heard your plan... and as they say; fore-warned is fore-armed."

Next thing you know the kids bust in and gang bang him then steal his cereal.

Kids: "The price is wrong, b**ch! Thanks for the cereal ya green hat wearing pussy! We got yo' a$$, once again!"

I mean, they're such bullies. What ever hapenned to rooting for the underdog? You always know how it's going to end. Some characters, lousy children, the evil sugar bear, captain crunch end up getting the cereal. The less fortuante characters end up screwed. Worst case scenario, those with cereal exact a terrible vengeance on supposed cereal thieves asserting their exclusive right to the product.

Another thing that didn't strike me as odd at the time is that Barney would go through all of this trouble to steal cereal from Fred. I mean, Leprachauns and rabbits I can understand. But Barney? Some kind of post australopithican homonid stealing from his neighbour? Impersonating Santa Claus himself?

Which brings me to the last thing I took for granted. Santa Claus showing up is assumed in this commercial. No sooner does Fred put the cereal near the chimney than Santa is there ready to consume it. When I was young I probably didn't think to myself, "Wow... Santa? I don't believe this commercial has established to the viewer that Santa can exist in the Bedrock universe." I would just be satisfied. Yes, Santa aquiring cereal from Fred would be a most ironic foil to Barney's diabolical plan.

I miss being a kid. The 80's 90's were really my time. Everything seemed to be targetted to me. It was likeI was the center of the universe. And Christmas time is where it all came together. Every commercial was aimed to please me, delight and bewilder me. Now I think too much to enjoy Christmas the way I used to. Back in the day I would be anticipating Christmas by November. I would just let all the shameless advertising wash over me like nerve gas. Everyday was a joy up until December. Now I'm Scrooge-esque. I feel more of the stress of Christmas and the pressures of new years. It's already only a week away.

I suppose most Christmas movies would say I would get into the Christmas spirit if I did something nice for someone. Cereal commercials show us that at Christmas time, we forgive our enemies for committing unspeakable cereal theft and forego exacting a horrible vengeance upon them. We might even share our cereal with them. The crooked ass police from the Cookie Crisp Precinct did. So did Fred.

So from my blog to yours, I'd like to welcome you all to whatever cereal is in my house. I finished the Honey Nut Cheerios but there's other stuff with that Quaker Oats guy on the box. Brown Sugar and something... with fiber and extra goodness!

I'd like to see a commercial where the Quaker Oatmeal guy is running from children who are brandishing pitchforks and torches, the Quaker clutching in his hands a bowl of oatmeal. He falls off a cliff and gets beaten by the kids.

Kids: "Thanks for the cereal you Queero Quaker! That will teach you to mess with delinquent younglings."
Quaker(in a foppish british accent): "Oh, my head...." (Camera zooms out to reveal the quaker impaled on a large sharp rock. Younglings eat oatmeal.)

Blacks, whites, Cookie Crooks and even pasty punk Leprachauns. Happy Holidays.