Maury Poovich

Jbo was telling me recently about a Colbert interview of Connie Cheung. When asked how she would describe her husband's line of work she responded that he was an "investigative journalist." Her husband is of course media darling Maury Povich and his brand of investigative journalism is somewhat unique. Sometimes, instead of going to work at a decent hour I like to watch a few minutes of the Maury Show. For those of you who don't know him, he's like a poor man's Springer.

Every time I've watched the show he's basically conducting paternity tests. Some very charming young women come on stage and explain that they've given birth to a child and 1 of a possible 10 men could be the father. And the father comes out, curses out the woman and makes some feeble arguments about how the child couldn't POSSIBLY be his. "Look at dem eyes.... They're TOTALLY different."

It's a very educational show. I for one learned that no matter how ugly, ignorant, fat and generally repulsive a woman is, there's always some guy who would gladly do her if she's easy enough. I wonder if these guys tell there friends about it the next day? Certainly nothing to be bragging about.

Some guy: Hey dude... I GOT SOME LAST NIGHT!!! HIGH FIVE!!!
Dude's friend: Sweet! What was she like???
Some guy: Oh... umm... she's like any other girl.
Dude's friend: Was she hot?
Some guy: Well... she was slightly... overweight. Not like... Fat... But... you know... fat. And ugly.
Dude's friend: Mmm... Well, I'm sure she had a nice personality.
Some guy: I guess... I mean... she's really annoying. And dishonest. I think she's married or something. And wow is she ignorant.
Dude's friend: Well... No high five for you. BAd!! BAD SOME GUY!!

Following this the guy gets the call from Maury. "You remember that fat, ignorant, married slut you did 9 months ago? You're 1 of a possible 10 men who may be the father!"

Then they go on the show. It's the saddest thing in the world. I mean it's bad enough to be cheating on your significant others, but to bring kids into your messed up lives is unforgivable. One episode I saw included a flash back of several episodes where the woman believed 1 of 25 men could have been the father of her child! No joke! And during the course of the show's run Maury had tested 8 men. This episode was lucky #9! The guy was some young kid who really didn't know any better but said that, if the child was his, he would step up and do his duty. And all the while on the screen is a picture of a beautiful child who is too young and innocent to know how sad and unnavailable her parents are. And one day that poor child might become the same way.

Anyway as it turns out, #9 wasn't the father either, sending the mother into a hysterical fit where she ran back stage and wept bitterly.

The reason why I say Maury is a poor man's Springer, is because as far as I know, Maury doesn't sign off with a final thought. If I were him, every episode I would say, "In our country there are millions of hobags like these popping out children every day! Many of them have boyfriends already, many of them are engaged, married... Many have children. You probably have no romantic interest in them but if you're the man desperate enough to want a piece of that... Please, have the good sense to use a condom. Hell use several condoms, spermicides and force feed that ho of yours a whole mess of birth control pills. Hey, don't stop there! Go for the vasectomy/hystorectomy! No child deserves either of you as parents. Thanks for watching!"

The Big Picture

I was on my way to have delicious sushi with a friend. We were debating between going to Kanda or this other place, Katsura. We settled on Katsura which was delicious. Good times! Among things that were said that night were

1) Sea Urchin??? Who would eat that??
2) I used to take classes with Karine. The girl who's dating Simon? Yeah, I used to call her Julie all the time.
3) Well, I'm glad we didn't go to Kanda for all you can eat Sushi. I wouldn't have been able to finish and that would have been humiliating.

That wasn't the odd part. The odd part was the next day my coworker says, "I went to Kanda last night. A word to the wise, don't try Sea Urchin! Incidentally I bumped into Simon and Karine. AWKWARD!"

Everyone decided to have Sushi that night? It's almost as if someone were directing a movie. While I was trying to figure out what kind of freak would eat sea urchin, my fool coworker was scarfing it down in a restaurant not more than 4 minutes away.

Me, looking at a menu with pompous self-satisfaction: "Sea Urchin??? What happened? Did the restaurant run out of donkey rectum??"

Cut to my coworker at the restaurant with his mouth full: "MMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!! Scrumptious Sea Urchin!!! Just like mom used to make!!!"

Just another page in the script of life. I was shocked the other day helping Jbo and Marie-Eve move into their new crib (BTW congrats you two!) And Justin got a phone call. I asked him, "Who was that?"

Jbo: "That was Rez and Vrej."
Me: "Where are they?"
Jbo: "They're trying out for a senior baseball team on the West Island."

SENIOR Baseball team? It's like that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer joins the Karate class to beat up little kids. That just struck me as one of the most random answer I could have gotten. Tell me it doesn't sound like a team of writers sat down for hours going through a list of the funniest possible answers to my mundane question. What zany scheme are Rez and Vrej up to this week?

Me: "Where are they?"
Jbo: "Rez and Vrej are talking to their financial adviser about opening a business that sells Emus as a mode of transportation for little people."

or

Me: "Where are they?"
Jbo: "They're buying a pig... Next week they're going truffle hunting and they need a pig to sniff out the delicious truffles!"

or

Me: "Where are they?"
Jbo: "They're in court. Last week they were riding an emu and they hit Bill Haugland."

I had another funny talk with a friend the other day. She was on MSN and was listening to informer by Snow.

Me: "Your MSN name says you were listening to Informer by Snow."
My Friend: "Yeah... It's a good song... I used to date Snow's cousin."

Snow has a cousin? She then went on to explain how she used to see him hanging around with super ghetto people. Anyway, seemed like the setup for a TV show. And then later on everything would all come together.

Jbo hangs up his cell phone
Me: "Who was that?"
Jbo: "That was Vrej and Rez. Their Emu attacked Snow and now they're involved in some kind of gang war. The Emu got shot, but not before giving Snow's bling handler a solid kick to the chest."
Me: "Could they just pay them off with their truffle money?"
Jbo: "No... Bill Haugland ate their pig to get back at them... And all of their truffles."
Me: "Well ain't that some s**t!"

Isolated I suppose these little random events don't seem particularly funny or striking, but I can imagine some omnipotent being, a "God" if you will, looking at all these things at once and marveling at his own brilliance. "Tomorrow I'll give Marie-Eve a larger role. Can anyone say, long lost twin???"

Geek History 101

For some reason Pearl Harbour came up today. Not the actual battle, but the God awful movie starring Ben Affleck and the cheesenormous star of "Lucky Number Slevin!" There are lots of things that are terrible about that movie, least of which is the fact that it was just a very generic and crappy romance story that could have been set against the backdrop of any historical battle and to call the movie Pearl Harbour is an insult to... pretty much anyone who knows what Pearl Harbour is.

I told the guy who hadn't seen the movie, "Yeah, that movie could have been called D-Day or Bastille Day... or World War I... Or... Ummmm... The Clone Wars." The Clone Wars of course never REALLY hapenned, depending on how you choose to define real. If by real you mean it wasn't a war that took place in a bad movie (Star Wars II) then I guess the Clone Wars never hapenned. I struggled hard to think of more real battles than fictional ones. But I soon realized I can name far more fictional wars than real ones.

The battle on Pelennor fields (Lord of the Rings), the battle for Zion (the Matrix), the battle at Wolf 359 (Where the Federation made their stand against the Borg). Does anyone know how Captain Sisko retook Terok Nor? War of the Lance? Trolloc Wars? Battle of Endor? I could probably name many, many more but this has become embarassing enough.

I guess it's not so bad. I mean so called "real" history just repeats itself anyway, right? It's all about the same thing... Some guys want stuff from the other guys and come up with elaborate and irrational reasons to kill said guys. At least in fictional wars there are monsters, clones, wanton slaughter of Gungans/Ewoks... robots if you're lucky. At the end of the day it's a lot more fun and less emotionally demanding to know about fake wars and you learn just as much. Wars are bad but all nations engage in them. Oh, and the good guys always win, whereby good guys refers to whoever is writing the history books.

Two of a kind

After asking for an extension on a paper that was due today, I decided it was best to watch some television BEFORE I finished it up. Tuesday is Scrubs night after all. For the last few months I've been spoiled with two episodes of Scrubs per Tuesday night. But this Tuesday NBC decided to slip in their new mid season replacement ironically titled, "Teachers".

Teachers as you might gather is a show about teachers. Teachers doing stuff, like teaching students and competing with other teachers. And every teacher is of course a character. There's a skanky teacher... A bitter teacher... A gay... wierd guy? I don't know. The star of the show is a young optimistic white guy. The only thing the show is lacking is interesting actors with charisma. And jokes, jokes would be good.

I sometimes wonder how these contrived sitcoms get made. Who gets paid to go to a network exec and say, "Let's make a show about Teachers! And we'll call it Teachers!" ??? That's not an idea! That's nothing. How can you just walk down the street, see a certain job and decide to make a show about it.

Coming this Fall on NBC, Accountants!

The Star: "Hello, I'm crazy optimistic accountant! I expected to do something really exciting when I was a kid, like be an astronaught. But now I'm a weary accountant, and though I make a lot of money I feel unsatisfied. Perhaps at some point in the season, my latent optimism will shine through and I'll do something that establishes me as a maverick in my field! Hopefully one day I'll realize being an accountant isn't so bad and I'll find my true love! (see below)"
Co-Star: "I'm crazy Armenian accountant! I'm the wild card on the show, here to tell the precious few funny jokes that the writers may come up with... Or not. Hopefully being an obscure minority is sufficiently funny in and of itself to justify my presence on this show."
Some woman: "I'm crazy skank accountant! I wear short skirts to work, making me a skank by television standards... I'm mostly here to be marginalized."
Some other woman: "I may or may not be the love interest of the Star at some point. I have no personality though sometimes I seem to be jealous of skank accountant."

Then they'll make lame jokes about accounting.

Skanky woman: "I can't find my spreadsheet."
Co-Star: "I think you did enough spreading last night, don't you?!"
Live studio audience: "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!"
Co-Star: "Back in Armenia, we had a name for women like you."
Skanky woman: "What was that?"
Co-Star: "We called them whores!!!!"
Live studio audience: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Me: "This show is NOT funny..." :-(

And of course there would be a black guy. Just like in Teachers. I'm pretty sure the only reason I watched the entire show was because there was 1-3 black guys in it. I like seeing black people on TV and in movies and other things. I appreciate that the media doesn't put us as stereotypes as much. The black guy in Teachers is fairly innocuous. That's good, no? Palmer in 24?? Black president??? REPRESENT!!! Blade is kind of a stereotype, as far as half black guy half vampire guys can be stereotypes.

You know what had a lot of black people in it? The Matrix! I can scarcely remember seeing a trilogy of movies with so many black people that were there for reasons other than just being black. I don't even think they even made any allusions to the fact that the majority of people in Zion were black. You would expect Neo to be unplugged from the Matrix and be all like, "Hey... What's with all the black people?"

I think the most effective integration of black people into a show is as the best friend. Which brings me back to Scrubs. Ah, JD and Turk. Looking at these two who would believe there's racism in the world? There hasn't been such a succesful pairing of a black guy and a white guy since Lenny and Carl. Lando and Han are pretty good super friends too.

You know what I love about black people and white people featured together in shows as best friends? The realism. Jbo and I... Vrej and Levar Burton. Soon, everyone man in the world will be paired up with a man of a different race. By this I mean, a black guy will be paired with a white guy to pose for hilarious pics. It will be like Noah's ark without the pressure of having to repopulate the species. Good times.

Crypto-post

On one of my usual saunters through blogdom, the type that takes place when I have far more productive things to do, I came across a very interesting post. A friend of mine has a blog and it so happens this person is into something called Yaoi. What's Yaoi you might ask? Well, if you're like me you don't want to know, but I'll tell you anyway! Yaoi is essentially a japanese word for gay anime porn. Some would argue that it's not "porn" per se but that's neither here nor there.

What's interesting is that this media has a fan base. A cult if you will. And like every cult, they have their own language and more often than not, if I go to her site, I don't even know what they're talking about. Generally speaking I can get to the point where I understand they're talking about a book or a movie. Then everything is just a blur.

The point of this story is I came across a very peculiar word. The post said something like, such and such a book is good and there's "crypto-gay" in it. I laughed my ass off. For some reason I find that word very funny. Now from what I can gather, when "yaoi" fangirls read something with "crypto-gay" they're pleased. Cuz it's gay and that's what it's really all about.

The kicker is, when I wrote a message asking what cryto-gay was, not only did I not receive an answer, but my friend deleted my message, as if saying crypto-gay in vain was some kind of sin. So, to my yaoi loving friends (My friend who used the word on her site or Droopy now's your chance to come out) if you do know what crypto-gay is, please tell me. I won't judge. I will not however type in a google search to find out what it is for fear that I will get Amish levels of vile pornography on my screen. Now I can only speculate as to what it refers to exactly. It must be pretty harsh if it was improper for me to even ask!

Crypto-gay - The act of having carnal relations with ostriches.

or

Crypto-gay - The act of pleasuring yourself while your dizz is cryogenically frozen.

or

Crypto-gay - Pornography featuring conjoint twins with three breasts in various lewd acts with all kinds of marsupials that are still lactating then they #@%@#$@ right up the @#@#**^%$^$ until it falls off and the resulting secretions create an adhesive that has a taste reminiscent of maple syrup.

My grandmother used to say every folly is a fashion. She was referring to clothing but I think the same thing applies to hobbies. Almost any random association of words has a cult following these days. Mo's site has those guys who come together to make love to little boys. Necrophilliacs have a group. Where does it end? MWLR (Men Who Love Robots). TSA (Turtle sodomizers anonymous). In that light I suppose Yaoi seems tame. But who am I to judge right? Everyone should like what they gotta like! Gay things, people having sex with squids while basting themselves in yoghurt! Whatever.... It's 2006, baby! If I can't keep an open mind in this day and age...

Meanwhilst, I will add the word cryto in front of everything cuz that's how I roll. Today I called Simon a crypto-sexual, several times. Perhaps at some point I'll say Jon's a crypto-maniac. Crypto-gay! Can you believe it?

Matrix-ology

Strangely enough, twice this week people have asked me what scientology is. And quite frankly I really didn't know what they believed in aside from some of Tom Cruises insane rantings. Then lo and behold, this morning on MSN was a brief article describing some of the basics of scientology (sadly I didn't save the link and can't find it now).

For the most part Scientology seems like a cool religion. Man is a spirit and should be cool to one another. Somewhere on their website they talk about the evolution of different faiths and philosophies and they kind of present scientology as the culmination of all of those ideas. Which in and of itself is interesting.

Then all of a sudden, oops! you realize that they believe in aliens and stuff. They believe 75 million years ago, the ruler of the Galactic Confederacy, a dude named Xenu, brought billions of people to earth, placed them near volcanoes and blew them up! With Hydrogen bombs (apparently realizing volcanoes were too slow). They believe that the spirits of these 'sploded human beings cause humanity problems today.

Now like all people I like to keep an open mind about things and feel that I'm accepting of everyone's beliefs yadda yadda yadda... But as someone who's very interested in spirituality and philosophy and a man who's been raised in a Christian family, the incidence of Scientology does raise a lot of questions.

I think when it comes to spirituality the world can be divided in the following way. There's hardcore believers, who blindly do whatever they're told by religious leaders. Then you have people who practice the faith, but are very conservative when they speak about their faith or practice anything that may or may not fall in line with the thinking of the majority. Then you have your skeptics who simply refuse to believe anything that doesn't slap them right in the face. And finally you have people who are beyond skeptical but are actually threatenned by any idea that can't be explained by science and get ornery and uncomfortable if you even mention anything spiritual. And of course, there are the rare people (I've met some) who seem to be genuinely enlightenned and know there is a God because through life experience they have been made to understand a truth that can't be learned from a book or someone telling you.

I think I fall in a gray area that a lot of people do now which is a kind of flaky acknowledgment of the truth of spirituality without any serious commitment or devotion. But I am trying to find a path! I am trying to learn more and more about Christianity and I find the path very rewarding at times.

That said, I'm also very interested in the Matrix. I want that to be my religion so I can run up walls and fly and stuff. For the past 2-3 weeks I have been completely obsessed with everything having to do with the Matrix after watching a documentary that lays out all the philosophy behind the series for you in plain English. I learned a lot. Not to say that the movies were fantastic, but I think the THRILLOGY is jam packed with some ideas, basically rehashed philosophical ideas from thousands of years ago until now. This stuff interests me, I'm a geek. And for some reason I think the Wachowski brothers are geniuses for putting together all these ideas in some cool movies/video games/cartoons.

But above all what's impressive, is people's ability to make money off of ANYTHING! Philosophy isn't really something new, congrats on the Wachowskis for finding a way to make these old ideas lucrative by attaching Kung Fu to it.

Enter Scientology... Xenu, the ruler of the Galactic Confederacy brought billions of humans to earth and blew them up using Hydrogen Bombs??? That's not even a good sci-fi story! And yes, there are hydrogen bombs in that story, but where's the Kung Fu at??? Serious lack of effort there.

And I think at that point it becomes obvious why there are so many skeptics out there when it comes to spirituality. Spirituality is fascinating stuff if you actually study it and try and listen to new ideas critically. But it seems these days that all religions, from Christianity to Scientology have become franchises, each with their own gimmick and somewhere at the top of the ladder is some greedy jerk looking to make a few bucks off of it. I love what they're teaching, but it puts a damper on things to see the hypocrasy present in these institutions. Bush uses Christianity as an excuse to murder people. If you go to the Scientology website you'll see they're selling lots of things. One impression you get is that they're running a business, some kind of self help deal.

It's a shame that something as important as spirituality often reaches us after being tainted by corrupt "teachers"/salespeople. Usually when people say they don't go to church, the first thing they say is, "Oh, why bother going to church? You only see the same hypocrites in there that you see everyday on the streets!" Which is true. Of course the Pastor I listen to on Sunday mornings says, that that is exactly the point of Christianity. A gathering of people who need, and want to be shown a better way to live.

But the feeling is the same. Dissapointment. Deep down inside I've always felt that there was something spiritual about the universe. Maybe ... some kind of ... spirit? I don't know.. As Morpheus from the Matrix said, "You're not sure what it is, but you're always aware of it. Like a splinter in your mind!" The problem is, and I don't think this is something that is unique to me, is when you get dissapointed by the people who are supposed to be observing spiritual beliefs, or you get dissapointed by life and hence God, it becomes a reason to not care about these things anymore.

Good? Bad? As Morpheus says, "There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path." In other words, things happen to us that make us believe or not believe in God but whatever we believe at any given time is part of the path that God has set out for us anyway. So it's all good.

And as Neo said, "I know Kung Fu..."

And isn't that what really matters in the end??

I know I come off as kind of a liberal, wishy washy, kind of guy... But science has done it to me. I believe that no matter what business you're in, the key is to tell a good story. All of these religions are based on stories. People then listen to these stories and decide whether or not they're interesting and whether or not they want to learn more about it and ultimately whether they choose to believe it. A good sci-fi story can be approached in much the same way, (minuse the believing part, though one may argue that there is a kind of truth in fiction when it comes to character psychology). Science is not different. A scientist makes an observation, proposes a model to explain the observation and then people decide whether or not it is true or false. I think learning about any of these three things in a critical manner is beneficial and exciting. Then again I'm a nerd. Live long and prosper suckers!

This one has Oscar Buzz

Long ago, Milen and I were having a conversation about Samuel L. Jackson. I thought he was the most amazing human being on the planet. Milen disagreed. After perusing Sam Jack's filmography he came across a project due to drop this August. The movie is the ironically titled thriller Snakes on a Plane. (SOAP). Most of us know that the movie is ACTUALLY about snakes on a plane. An assassin decides the best way to murder his quarry is to unleash a crateful of snakes onto the plane. A WHOLE CRATEFUL! Most of us probably even know that Samuel L. Jackson threatenned to not do the movie if they dared to change the title.

This discovery was made sometime last October I think? And I told myself, as I told Milen, one day in the not so distant future I'll see the trailer to this and soil my goddamn pants with laughter. That day has come.

http://www.tagworld.com/snakesonaplane

Pants soiled! I couldn't have imagined it being any more perfect than that. Is this possible? I can't believe what my brain is telling me. He's shooting the snakes? There are people screaming as snakes emerge from every nook and cranny... on the plane? Different kinds of snakes??? Coming out of a woman's cleavage??? CGI rattle snakes, coral snakes, adders....??? CGI cobras??? SAMUEL L. JACKSON BEATING PEOPLE WITH SAID SNAKES????? SNAKES ON A PLANE!?!? AN AEREOPLANE??? OH SMEG, WHAT THE SMEGGING SMEG HAVE THEY SMEGGING DONE????

Someone made money for this? Did they just pic random words out of a dictionary? I can do that... Let me do it now... Razor back Ghosts... There.... Again. Sacerdotal-Facelift! Ingenious-Quean! Starring Raquel Welsh as the Ingenious Quean.

At this point it's over for movies. Not only should Samuel L. Jackson retire, movies should retire. The entire industry. This is just too insulting. They're not even going to try anymore? They just...Snakes on a Plane? Snakes are already very misunderstood creatures. This movie is racist against snakes.

My dad has a strong dislike of snakes. There's a story back in the day when we found a snake with orange stripes on its back crawling through the grass. Me, being a 10 year old biologist said, "Reptiles with bright colors are usually poisonous!!" My dad generally doesn't take anything I say seriously, but he wasn't about to take any chances. My dad attacked it with a broom stick. The snake slithered into a little hole next to the wall. "Let me get my CRAZY ass outta here!"

My dad wouldn't let the villain get away that easily. My sisters and I all gathered around the hole and watched in tense wonder as he poured bleach down the hole, hoping to fumigate it out. The snake didn't come out so he poured gasoline down there. The snake still didn't come out. So my dad lit that sumbitch on fire. The snake shoots out of the hole probably wondering, "What the f**k did I do to deserve this sh*t?!" And as a grand finale, my dad takes a broomstick, and with the accuracy of Donatello the Ninja turtle, smashes the thing's head repeatedly. Fatality. It kind of makes you wonder what it's all for? I mean, does a snake have a sense of justice? Does it have a soul, isn't going anywhere after being so unfairly murdered?

Anyway, we then put the snake in a jar and for some reason brought it to the SPCA. It was a family outing we all went wondering what terrible wonders they would tell us about the beast my dad had slain. The hemp wearing hippy at the counter looked from the ravaged corpse to my dad with true disgust. His words were something like, "What did you do this for???" Disdain flashed in his eyes as he handed us back the jar and watched us leave in shame. Not a proud moment for the Gregg Family. HOWEVER, I'm certain that story is far more layered than SOAP will be. I think I should write the screenplay for that snippet of my life. Snake under the Hizzouse.

There's nothing more I can say that hasn't already been said about this movie and the idea of putting Paula Abdul on television. It's ridiculous, random and upsetting.

Regardless I will go see it in the theatre when it comes out in August. I can't wait to see it... Talk about it at length. I want to BE this movie.

Kenny says:
I Chu Chu choose this movie...

***FUN FACTOID!!!*** There's a theory that people have phobias of things like snakes and spiders because back when we were cavemen, we needed a hardwired instinct to deter us from approaching these creatures because being macho, we would attack the puny things and then be injected with their deadly, deadly venom.

Commitment-ophobe

I have only seen 1 season of the hit TV series 24. That was the first season and it was as excellent as people said it was. I was knocking back about 3 episodes a sitting and enjoying every moment of it. After season 1 however, I stopped watching. There came a point where I fell so far behind, it became overwhelming to even think about catching up. I considered just jumping on the bandwagon this season but Droopy forbid it! Far be it from me to dispute the man.

But I feel somewhat ostracized from a large part of the world by missing the show. The most interesting phenomenon is watching the list of people on MSN on Monday night. By 8pm the MSN names already begin to change as people anticipate one of several airings of the show. They range from innocuous MSN handles like, "Vrej-Watching 24 (away)". The assumptions here being 1) People need to know what droopy is up to for every minute of the night 2) They really care that it says "away" next to his name and he won't be bothered several times for the evening 3) We don't realize that the distance between his computer and his television is about 5-8 feet and he is not even remotely away from his computer. I would be surprised if he wasn't straddling the tower and using his DVD burner as a cup holder while watching the show.

The names get slightly more fanatical. Names like, "ranma 1 1/2 - 24 is SICK!! OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!" or "Milen-I'm not gay, but sometimes when I see Jack Bauer, I wish I was." Then you have people who deliberately ruin the show by making the climax of the show their MSN handle "Amish- Nina's back???" :-o

I want so badly to be a part of it all. My msn name would be "MastaCSG- 24 is so good I have a MASSIVE erection now (away)". When I listen to conversations about 24 I feel like I'm from another planet. People talk about it likes its real. "That's why they had to bring back Palmer last season! The current president wasn't as competent!"

Current... prez?

The good news is I can piece together information about the show from the MSN handles. I'm like some kind of anthropologist finding clues about some ancient civilization. The bad news is ultimately I will forever be excluded from the world of 24 no matter how much I try to catch up.

You know what the problem is? Shows nowadays require too much commitment. 24 is 1-2 hours a week of commitment! This scares me. The only shows I make it a point to watch every week are Scrubs and the Office. A nice quick laugh, half an hour commitment and if I don't feel like watching it one week it's no problem. I won't be lost the following week. Like a one night stand.

It's not like there's much to watch these days anyway. All good shows with the exception of 24 are provided to me by Droopy and other benefactors. Otherwise I stumble on some odd stuff. I found myself enthralled by Sabrina the Teenage Witch again last week. YOu know what I love about that show? The realism... Last week she went to some place called the pleasure dome to escape reality. Wouldn't we all like a little escape from reality? I think so. They put some thought into it too. That talking cat, Salem? Do you know his story? He was turned into a cat because as a witch he tried to take over the world. That shows creativity. I like.

Every now and then I find myself watching a kids show called Lazy Town in the morning. This show my friends, is very, very, very.... very... good. It's about all these freaking puppets and they live in a place called lazy town. And there's this guy with a moustache who lives in a dirgible (He LIVES in a freaking Dirgible!) and he comes down to teach them things about being active and stuff. He's also kind of a super hero. The people of Lazy Town are idiots and they're always falling out trees and stuff and he has to come to their rescue. And there's a also a villain who's really lazy and sets a bad example for the people of lazy town by being lazy. Sometimes sabotages their harmless projects. For example, if there's a dance competition, he'll try and screw it up! Cuz he's a jerk!

The irony of me watching Lazy Town is that it comes on before I'm supposed to go to work and I know damn well if I turn it on, I'll miss my bus as much as I tell myself I'll turn it off at 10 minutes to 9. Lazy Town, I wish I knew how to quit you!

And hey, if I choose not to watch Lazy Town for weeks at a time, I can still turn it on one morning and be up to speed!

Happy International X-day Awareness Month!!

Did you know that March 8th is Women's day? International Women's day no less! I found out today during an interesting exchange with a co-worker. Apparently in some country they get gifts for this.

Co-worker: Did you know today is international women's day? Back in my home country we get gifts and don't work for the day!!
Me: Really??? Why don't you celebrate by making me a samich, woman!?!

SLAP!!!

I was talking to a dude I know and he said he should buy his mom something for Women's day. Isn't that what Mother's day is for? And Mom's birthday? And Christmas?? I mean for crying out loud, can I go through one week without buying someone a gift? What if this international women's day thing catches on? I'll be screwed. Everyone with their birthdays and their Xmas and their cot-tanged Mother's day, Father's day...

Everyone's trying to dip into my pockets! It wouldn't be so bad if it was just a gift, but having just recovered from Christmas I feel slightly shell-shocked. You know what really bothers me about Christmas? Wrapping paper. I'd love to travel back in time and shake hands with the psychotic genius who decided that gifts, as expensive as they are needed to be wrapped in paper, a dwindling resource, something we spend a great amount of effort trying to recycle; Charging good money, for something that exists simply to be discarded! That's a true sign of a wealthy society I think. And don't get me started on greeting cards. Is it just me or have cards become less clever and more expensive? Where my dawgs at on that one?

"Happy Birthday, Bro!" Open the card up, "I hope you get a naked lady and/or some beer or something! HAHAHA!" 5.80$ US

or

"Look, I'm a goddamn dog!!! Maybe I'm surprised or confused..." open the card "Happy Birthday!" 8.50$ US

or the most brilliant, "I'm a frightenned cat" open the card, "You're how old?" 9.45$ US

Then I think to myself, black history month just passed. I didn't get s**t! I think it's time to start commercializing Black History Month. Create some kind of scam where all non-blacks have to buy things and treat their black friends. And I want our gifts to be wrapped in aluminum foil, just because it's expensive. And hell, since the Queen of England stole the biggest diamond in the world from Africa and put it in her scepter just to add insult to injury, I say the traditional gift for black people during black history month should be a diamond, diamond related or encrusted with diamonds.

Imagine the obnoxious greeting cards for that? All the racist things that white people tell me on a daily basis anyway, in card form! "Hey, when we heard you were black we knew we had to get you something!" open the card, "Fried Chicken and/or watermelon! Cuz you're black! And we're idiots! HAHAHAHA!" 11.50$ US.

or

"It's black history month, so we thought we'd take the opportunity to call you the n-word!" open the card, "You're Nice!(with hearts all around) *in small print* what did you think we were going to call you? HAHAHA!" 12.50$ US.

And so forth for all 28 days of February.

Furthermore Black History Month should be moved to July which has 31 warm days and no snow! We're not physically adapted to cold, putting Black History Month in February is more racist than not having a Black History Month at all!

Invigilators and Cyborg Dictatorships

Today was the first time I've invigilated an exam. It's a pretty ridiculous position actually. I just stood there for the most part looking bad ass. Every now and then a student would raise there head and I would make obnoxious gestures. An hour and a half well wasted. At the end of it all some dumbass runs up and says, "I filled my scantron sheet in with pen!"

:-o

Good move, Starr! You're sick! Am I to believe he's gone through all this schooling and a semester of university and he's never used scantron before? Am I to believe he's never been told only number 2 pencils work on these things? Is he deaf, did he not hear the teacher repeatedly say to use pencil? Is he blind??? Did he not read the instructions??? And why did he seem to figure out something was wrong at the very last second? WTF???

That was interesting. But what struck me most during this whole thing was the t-shirts one of the girls was wearing. The T-shirt said, "Trust me, I'm a virgin!" I've never been so baffled by a piece of clothing. What am I supposed to think about this girl? Is the shirt being sarcastic? It was all written in cutesy letters too. I don't know anymore. Maybe I'm out of touch, but this new fad of women's t-shirts with slutty slogans on it blows my mind.

I really need to understand what it is that girls are expecting when they wear clothes with slogans like, "Super Bitch!" and "Lil' skank!" and so forth. Am I supposed to have mad respect that they have the confidence to advertise their personality disorders and loose morals? Cuz the girl wasn't really that hot and her sex life may have been the furthest thing from my mind if not for that shirt. But the question is, is she easy? If you wear such a shirt can I just approach you for intimate relations? I find it far more acceptable to dress in revealing clothes and leave some doubt in our minds. "Maybe she's just comfortable!" And at least we get some eye candy. But give me more than, "I'm easy." Written in goofy letters.

I tell you, if ever have a daughter and catch her wearing such things I will be a total tyrant about it!! "What the hell are you wearing? I'm a 16 year old whore?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She'll be off to an all girls school immediately.

I yearn for the day when some megalomaniac decides to take over the world and put an end to this freedom of speech nonsense. Sure we have freedom of speech. Look what we do with it? No one has anything to say anyway.

Some slutty 17 year old: I'm a slut!
Me: Good for you! Child labourers earned 0.001 cent so you could wear that shirt and then went to whore themselves in the streets so they wouldn't starve to death. What do you have to say about that? Grow up, get some perspective on life for Christ's sakes!
Then I'd smack her on the ass, tweek her nipples and storm out of there hoping to find a woman with some class. ***SMACK'D!!!*** ***TWEEk'd!!!*** "Quest-ce que c'est???"

What we need is some kind of non-bias machine to govern us. There's this game I love called Deus-Ex which is based on the premise that the only perfect government would be one run by a machine. Naturally in the game it didn't work out so well. For some reason the gov't program escaped into the internet, joined up with another program and was downloaded by a megalomaniac who took control of all the machines on earth. Or something... Cool game...

Yeah... Cyborg governments... And slutty girls... I dont' know what my issue is really. Is it this cutesy spin they put on sluttiness I don't like? Is it the idea of non-hot women trying to get attention? I check out girls in revealing clothing on occasion. I don't think it's a sin. And I think women should be able to wear whatever they want. But only if they're good looking. So maybe that's my problem.

No, I know what bothers me. It's the fact that the same women who are soo skanky accuse guys of being perverts for staring at them. Go to hi5.com. There are half naked women there who say their pet peeve is perverted guys! Do they mean, perverted guys or human guys? Button up and guys won't stare at you in the same way. I know pretty girls who can do more for me with one raised eyebrow than if they shed all of their garments! I'm just confused that's all! I don't know what to think anymore!!! I don't think any girl likes being thought of as a slut, so why dress as a slut?

Lab Tales part 6 - Thought provoking conversations

Talking in the lab today I wondered to myself if just putting a hidden camera or would yield some kind of interesting reality television. Sometimes in the heat of a conversation it's not obvious how absurd it sounds. But sometimes I stop to listen.

The first thing I noticed was everyone in our lab is completely deaf. To the point where everyone is just saying, "What? Huh?" It's ridiculous. Like Dave Chapelle's Little John sketch. "WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT??.... WHAT??? ookAAAYYYYYYY!!!" You end up repeating things that really don't need repeating.

Me (burning myself on the bunsen burner): "OW!"
Lab guy: "What?"
Me: "I said ow!!!"
Lab guy: "I can't hear you!"
Me: "Nevermind."
Lab guy: "No, tell me what is it?"
Me: "I said OW!!! It's a verbal expression of pain! OW!! I burned myself, you idiot!"
Lab guy:" .... "
Me: "...."
Lab guy (scratches himself): "...."
Me: "...."
Lab guy: "WHAT?"

or

Me: "I know the theme song to the old Spider-man cartoon by heart."
Lab guy: "What? Spider-man is Italian?"

I also noticed a tendency for all of us to get very defensive for no reason.

Lab guy 1: "I think you're a filthy swine! Which is ironic because you're jewish and therefore cannot eat swine!"
Lab guy 2 (offended): "Wait a minute... did you just call me... Inedible?"

And then of course there's just straight up profanity for its own sake.

Lab guy: "What's this on my cereal?"
Me: "I'll give you a hint... It's semen. My semen! I'm a serial rapist."

Get it? Serial rapist? Cereal rape? It's funny cuz there's semen on the cereal. Bah, what know you for funny!? Anyway, thought you enjoyed this page from the life of me. Don't ask me how these exchanges get started... One day I should really bring some kind of tape recorder to the lab.

Calling black people Ni**az, that's so necessary!! Using stars for the G's, that's so necessary!!! Being rude and offensive? Is that necessary?

This is going to be a long post, sorry Amish. But I think this is one of the funniest things I've seen in my life.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/nword.html

This is simply the most amazing white guy ever. Not only does he have the balls to call one of his students the n-word, but in his defense, he draws up a little diagram showing us why he didn't think he was offending anyone. I'm still laughing now at him saying, "I even add the H at the end, to emphasize the AAAAAHHHH!!! Niggaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!"

So cencorship is a really big deal these days. Most of you probably heard that a group of Muslims have engaged in violent protest in response to the publication of a cartoon depicting Mohammad wearing a bomb shaped like a turban (or something ridiculous like that). This is obviously offensive, not only becuase of the deeply prejudice undertones of the remark but also because it is a violation of Islamic law to depict Mohammad in any way.

Now I think the big problem here (besides the violence of the protests), is the stubborness of people when it comes to making viciously prejudiced comments. No one wants to just pretend they're not racist anymore and apologize and let that be the end of it. No, people become very arrogant these days and angry. Instead of apologizing, they'll hide behind this idea of "freedom of speech."

I heard an interview on Global recently where a journalist insisted that the cartoon be RE-PULBISHED in a Canadian journal despite the fact that it was offensive to Muslims. Something about this guy was so indignant that you get the impression he doesn't want to republish the offensive cartoon despite the fact that it was insulting, but rather BECAUSE it was insulting. The attitude nowadays is, "How dare someone tell me not to offend someone? It's my right!"

And so it is. Unless of course you're a rapper like 50 cent. 50 cent, as you all know was shot 9 times. He grew up "in the ghetto" meaning he suffered a very difficult life with crime and drugs and gun related violence. The problem is, when he raps about it, people do censor him. They banned a poster of him holding a baby and a gun. They tried to prevent him from entering Canada. We can glorify movies like Scarface and disgustingly violent movies by Quentin Tarantino but when it comes to black people and guns, it seems freedom of speech isn't so appealing. I still haven't seen the poster!!

What's so amazing about this phenomenon is that 50 Cent is actually rapping about his life. He's actually been shot! If anyone should have the right to feature violence in their art it's him. I think rap music is the most misunderstood art form in the world. Whites and even older black people are always trying to say it promotes the use of drugs and violence. If you listen to (good) rap music you'll realize it's just telling a story about people who are angry at being a lower class. They tell stories about their difficult life which invariably includes drug dealing and violence. I think these are important stories that should be told.

I find these days there are fewer advocates for the freedom of speech of minorities and an increasing number of advocates for the freedom of speech of racists. I find often times family guy really pushes it with some of their humor but too bad for me! If I'm offended by something, I'll just have to take it! Though I would very much like to see the poster with 50 cent holding a gun and a baby. I think that would be phat.

Now as a black guy who knows lots of non-black people, I think I've seen the evolution of racism to an overtly hostile tool of oppression, to a more insidious, subtle monster that people wear passive-aggressively. I've been called the n-word many times throughout my life. It's always done in a way that's almost a test. Like people will open with it to try and surprise me.

"What's up Ni**ah?!"
Me: "Uh... Hello?"

And I just don't know what to say. On one level, I feel I should say something because most black people seemed to have reached a concensus that the n-word is a bad thing for non-black people to say. This is something I understand because obviously it's been used in the past and is still used as something to denigrate(what's the root word of the word denigrate?) black people. On the other hand I'm not offended because I know often times it's not said to offend. The n-word is addictive. Sometimes I just want to let loose and say the N-word all day long. I blame Dave Chappelle for this. Since his show became popular I've been called the N-word twice as much in my life than ever before. All in joke of course.

I imagine it must be hard for non-blacks not to use the word. I can imagine being a white guy watching this sketch and just bursting at the seams wanting to say it so badly. Once upon a time people would curb this urge. Now, it seems the urge is impossible to resist. Look at the teacher in the link above. He doesn't sound like he really wanted to offend the black guy. It sounds like he just wanted to use the word. He was desperate to use it. He can't stop talking about the word, the sound of it, the use of it. He even says, "I'm cured of this.... Niggah... Niggah this...Niggah Please! Can you lend a Niggah a pencil!?! I will never use any form of (demonstrates his drawing of the word nigger and nigga) NIGGAH! Ever again!!!"

He doesn't sound cured. He sounds addicted!!! It's hilarious. He couldn't stop saying it.

I wonder to myself if maybe all white people feel this way. A yearning to use the word Niggah. In my heart of hearts I feel they shouldn't but I also know that lots of my white and non-black friends are like a kettle that's been plugged up and is about to explode. It doesnt' help when us black people rub it in others faces and use it profusely in our music, our humour and yes our blogs. Now that Dave Chappelle is rich he decided to say on the Oprah Winfrey show that some of his skits maybe irresponsible when racist people take them out of context. Much like rap music. Should black people censor themselves too? I mean... Poor Jbo... I see the pain on his face when he's trying to discuss Dave Chapelle with me.

Jbo: "Have you seen the sketch? The ... ummm... Negro family? Can I say negro?"
Me: "Ummm... I dont' know..."

Maybe there should be one day a year put aside for people to use the word niggah, nigger whatever they want all day without any consequences. Just so everyone can get it out of their system.

Eric Brosseau: "Hey Niggah, can I borrow a pencil?"
Mike Tyson grudgingly passes over the pencil.
Eric Brosseau: "This pencil isn't sharp, Niggah! Sharpen this s**t you big black ni**ah!!!"
Mike Tyson trembling with rage, sharpens the pencil and hands it back
Eric Brosseau: "That's right. So you want to go to lunch or something, Ni**ah?"
Mike Tyson: "I hate n-word day. I want to eat its children." :-(

I dont' know. Yeah, it's just a word, yeah it's just a cartoon, but if it offends people, why not just not use it? I'm especially surprised when someone says something really racist, then claims they're not racist they were only joking. In reality everyone involved in the joke knows how offensive it was but it's said anyway. Why? Is the joke that important?

I think the fact that people get so offended they are attacked for saying or doing something really racist is because deep down inside they know they do have racist tendencies and somehow feel justified when they blatantly insult someone. Maybe it's just natural. But if everyone's racist deep down inside then the problem isn't a lack of cencorship but a lack of understanding of one another. Or maybe it's just natural to be prejudice. Beneath all the fake smiles, there are people who deeply resent diversity. In which case things will probably get worse before they get better, resulting in an all out race war!!! All the colors of the rainbow battling it out for supreme rulership of the earth!!

Which brings us back to freedom of speech. In the wrong hands it can be deadly. I wouldn't mind the word nigger, if I didn't think that there are many, many people in the world who are very, very racist. But there is racism in the world. Montreal is forever getting warnings from the UN for brutality against blacks. Blacks are still having trouble getting high level jobs and are still stereotyped as being criminals and drug dealers etc, even honor students like the guy in the news story I linked. I don't think using derogatory words really helps the situation. So next time you get the urge, just don't call us niggers. It would be greatly appreciated.

A little cartoon has caused so many bad feelings. But I think if the Islamic community had just let it slide things could have been worse. Let's not forget in the last century there was propaganda that illustrated black people as apes and jewish people as rats. If we have free speech, should we allow these images to be portrayed in the media? Where do we draw the line?

Anyway, props to Jenn for sending me the link and thanks to Tony for pointing out the teacher looks like Ned Flanders. That would make an awesome Simpsons episode, "Flanders uses the N-Word."

Orange you glad you didn't watch the Grammys?

There's something very relaxing about living alone. For some reason I wanted to eat an orange. It doesn't seem like something you should eat at night, so I was pleased at myself for being so edgy and extreme. Anyway, before orange eating I was reminded by Vrej that the Grammy's were on. He expressed feelings that he was superior to the entire concept of the Grammys and I was hard pressed to argue with him.

At this point my plans for the evening were to watch the Grammys while eating an orange. I spoke to Janine and confided my plans to her. She likewise seemed to feel she was better than the Grammys and was not impressed that I was going to watch.

One of the first things I saw was Mariah Carrey's performance. The chubby "diva" comes on stage with too much cleavage as usual and was singing some kind of gospel song. You know, she's not a horrible performer, but I find she's not hot enough. And somehow I always felt it was wrong to sing praises to God while being dressed like a skank. I can just imagine God looking down from heaven right down her dress and being not too impressed. "Why did I make this woman skanky AND fat?" Then as a final slap in the face, God has to watch as the walls behind Mariah Carrey open and a Gospel choir "takes us home" with an inspirational hook. Gospel; meaning good news... The good news is, when they bust out the choir, it means the song is almost over!

Teri Hatcher and Michael Buble come on stage. Lathspel I name them! Teri Hatcher says, "Wow, after Mariah's performance I feel like I've been saved... or something." I was lying on the couch all by myself with orange peels in the bowl in front of me and I told Teri Hatcher to "Shut the f**k up!" I actually swore! All by myself like some kind of crazy person I cursed at the television.

Then they were presenting an award in some category that I can't remember. Anyway, they had nuff contemptible female artists. What category is so loathesome that the nominees are Gwen Stefani, Mariah Carrey, Ciara and Missy Elliot and some girl who's name I can't remember. "And the winner of the most offensive female media personality is... SOME WOMAN WHO'S NAME I FORGET!!!" (Mandy Moore? I really forget). She gave a very annoying acceptance speech.

Jay-Z and Linkin Park won an award. When the Linkin Park guy was done thanking people he offered the mic up to Jay-Z. Now this was strange. Jay-Z simply declined speaking. As if he really had nothing to say to the collective scum who had gathered to give him an award.

Then there was the usual Grammy dealy where they put a rapper together with some old white guy. This year featured Paul McArtney and Jay-Z. Wow! It was a tribute to something. I don't remember what exactly. It could have been a tribute to Jbo's blog for all I know. They sang the Linkin Park/Jay-Z song and a Beatle's song.

But what the heck! Seeing a white guy and a black guy butchering a song together... It almost makes you forget that there's racism in the world. Very positive stuff. Speaking of forgetting, do people forget how to sing when they're on the Grammys? Paul McArtney's voice sounded terrible and so did Ciara's. But at least what Ciara lacks in talent she makes up for in hotness. What does Paul have? No street cred, no stage presence. He said something like, "I've never done the Grammys before. So I'd like to rock a bit... I'd like to rock a bit... NOW!!!"

:-o

????

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Why just a bit? Does he know that's all I could stomach.

This was Paul's chance to say something. He's getting on in years and his opportunities to speak on stage will become fewer and fewer. If I was him I'd say something really shocking. "F**K YOU GRAMMYS!!! I HATE YOU ALL! NONE OF YOU IDIOTS HAS ANY TALENT!! AND NEITHER DO I!!!" *drops the mic, grabs his nuts and storms off*

I'd say it's also an opportunity for God to make his presenece felt. With all these simpletons thanking him, after they're singing about doing drugs and being materialistic sinners he should do something really cool. I know if I were God, sitting up in heaven staring down Mariah's dress I'd patiently wait for her to hit one of those high notes that peels the linoleum right off your kitchen floor. And just as that happens I'd make a swarm of locusts erupt from her cleavage. 1000 locusts for every person present. And they'd carry off Gwen Stefani and her Japanese entourage, dropping them into the pacific ocean to be consumed by sharks. The locusts would then proceed to eat everyone else, leaving behind Stevie Wonder, Steve Tyler and a few other select cool people. Maybe Common.

Who's responsible for the Grammys anyway? What's up with award shows? People with money arbitrarily decide to start doling out awards. I mean, they gave a lifetime achievement award to Richard Pryor. I love Richard Pryor but, he's not a musician. How can they just decide that they're good enough to send props to him in the afterlife? And what could be more subjective than music? You have Gwen Stefani in a category with U2, Kanye West and Paul Mcartney for best album???

AND!!! Why does it seem like they segregate everyone in the auditorium? Bono's sitting right behind Paul McArtney, he has to walk all the way over to black people land to give Kanye West props??? This sounds racist.

I think I'm getting old and angry. Even the commercials made me upset. I hate the commercial with Jessica Simpson and the pizza poppers. Where she sings... Then Queen Latifah's voice can be heard saying, "Pizza is good!" Then Kermitt the Frog and Miss Piggy are there for some reason??? AAACH!!! I'm getting real tired of this garbage. Grammys. Exploitation of muppets by Jessica Simpsons. Exploitation of Japanese women by Gwen Stefani. The world is so wrong.

In summary, Grammy awards this year, barely rivals Folies at Centennial High. Vrej and Janine... You are both better than the Grammys. (Christina Aguilera is also better than the Grammys she did a really nice number with a jazz musician. I'm sorry she gets lumped together with other pop scum. She has talent and potential. I'm sure some other people are better than the Grammys too but I didnt' see them.)

I'm quite the fool

It was brought to my attention that they have empregnated a man!

http://www.malepregnancy.com/

At first I thought it was some kind of hoax, but this guy Mr. Lee has actually been empregnated and is with child. At least the site says it's true. They wouldn't lie on the internet would they? They even say he might be able to breast feed the child when it's over.

I like the comments that people have. Especially the woman who's appalled: "You motha f**kas need Jesus!"

My opinion? When are they going to cure cancer? When will they cure aids? I mean, was male pregnancy in such demand that some scientists are spending time and money to make it happen? As a biologist I'm totally shocked. Last time I ever considered the idea of a man becoming pregnant was the TERRIBLE movie with Arnold Shwarznegger and Danny Devito, Junior. I think the same thing now as I did then; WTF???

Furthermore I don't even like having it as an option. If some woman asks me to carry a child it's over. I don't care if we're married, career.. nothing... Immediate divorce if the subject even comes up. All these scientists have done is given couples another thing to argue about.

Man: "I dont' want to be pregnant!"
Woman: "But my career! You're so selfish!"
Man: "Making babies should be your career."

I will NEVER be pregnant. I think that's a realistic thing for me to strive toward.

And what's up with the men who want to be pregnant? There are men out there who actually want to defy nature and carry a child? One guy has actually said "I've dreamed of this all my life!!" How... How does such a thought even enter your mind. How do you approach your wife about something like that?

Simon: Dear... I'd like to carry our child.
Linda: Ummm... are you gay?
Simon: No, I just think I'd like the experience of carrying a child for nine months and nurturing it, breast feeding it... etc...
Linda: So you're gay.
Simon: Just because I wish I had a vagina doesn't make me gay.

How will a woman look at their husband while he's pregnant? What about the child? How would I look at a male friend who's gotten knocked up.

Me: "Oh, looks like you're losing at Halo 5 again!"
Vrej: "The baby's kicking!"
Me: "Stop being a little pussy! OOOOH SNAP!!! KILLING SPREE BIATCH!!!"
Vrej: "I think my water just broke!"
Me: "Shut up and pick up your joystick! Ewwww... my couch!!!"
Vrej: "Have some compassion! The moment I was knocked up my wife left me!"

The whole thing makes me shudder. Dear God...

Addendum

I've been told by my friend Jenn that I'm a fool for believing this. I'm so embarassed. If you look at the site they've also claimed to have made nanites and accomplished a head transplant. I'm supposed to be getting a phd in biology in a few years. Shame on me.

This Post is Not Racist

The weekend was jawesome. Went to a party with Marie-Eve (the Thetford Mines variety) organized by the biology department to raise money for some students doing volunteer work in the Galopogus islands (spp?). Nice party, nice peeps and my buddy Andrew, a mad scientist of sorts was playing with his band. It was cool to see a different side of him. He went from not so mild mannered scientist to tortured rock star. He's a Velvet Revolver/GNR band... I don't know much about that kind of music but he had a good voice and a hot young lady drummer. The effect of her hotness was offset by Andrew dancing around with no shirt but there was obviously no helping that. Andrew being the lead singer was responsible enough to leave us with a very important thought. "500.... .. BILLION!!! Species... die everyday in the Galopagus islands." I guess it was just a ballpark figure...

Next day Alpha Posse came over. They brought over more junk food than I'd ever seen in one place. A 20 piece bucket of KFC, popcorn chicken, fries, pizza, little cakes, sodas, donuts, munchkins and as the piece d'irresistance, Marie-Eve (the Jbo variety) made a cake.



As you can see the cake is not racist. One day I hope to know what that means. It was delicious despite it's political dispositions. Thanks Maeva.

Rez dazzled us all with tales of his pilgrimage to Mecca while I blasphemed and made wise ass comments. He did it with panache and professionalism that only Rez could pull off. I for one learned a lot about Islam. The pics were beautiful and it was just really fun and impressive. He even brought us some holy water from a well that has been flowing since the time of... Moses? Abraham? Anyway, we drank the blessed draught. My favourite story was about a spot inside the main Mosque in Mecca (the Masjid Al Haram) where your prayers are more potent BUT your sinful thoughts count as actual sins. Can you imagine? If all my sinful thoughts counted as sins, I would never get into heaven nor would any of my decent. Anyway, it was really cool, thanks Rez.

Mad props also go to Vrej who accesorized the old pimp hat with a Santa hat (that was lying around my apartment for some reason) as well as his own baseball cap. As if invoking the spirit of some pimp he pulls out his phone and berates his Ho Ho Hoes "I DON'T CARE WHAT HE SAYS!!! JUST DO IT!!!" In a hilarious Sir Smokes Alot/pimp voice.



Vrej, you're sick!!! I dub thee, Pimpaclaus

We also played pictionary. It was like a super-hero story. Ever notice how in comics super-heroes always seem to match up their powers? Like Iceman will fight Pyro's fire powers? Wolverine will end up fighting someone with claws. Anyway, this was nothing like that. I just found it odd that both Marie-Eve's were sitting across from each other. It was like when Data had to fight Lore...



Finally, I followed up Rez's classy lecture about Islam by showing the guys the very tacky part 8,9,10 of R.Kelly's trapped in the closet. And so the evening concluded at about 1am. I still have friend chicken and cake in my apt. (I was originally going to correct my typo but have decided that Fried Chicken shall henceforth be referred to as Friend Chicken).

Lab Tales part 5 - Customer Service Experts

Most likely, one or many of you fine ladies out there was trying to call me last week and got a strange message on my phone. After two rings, a voice would ask you for a voice box number before I even got a chance to answer. I apologize and assure you the problem has been rectified.

And it wasn't easy. First of all, like all customer service situations, it required calling from work. I mean, why should the idiots at Bell be available when I get home or at another convenient time? After all, it's not like they're going to waste my time while I'm at work, by keeping me on hold for almost an hour.

OR IS IT???

Of course it is. I call the idiots... First off, Bell has a voice recognition system. I guess pressing numbers is too convenient for them. You have to talk to a machine to get service.

Voice Message: "Welcome to the Bell automated phone service. For service in English SAY English."
Me: "English."
Voice Message: "Bonjour! Comment est-ce que je peux vous offrir une excellente service aujourdhui?"
Me: "English!!! ENGLISH!!! Godamn it!!!!"
Voice Message: "Ca c'est une service automatiser qui repond a des commandes vocales. Si vous avez besoins d'aide, dites le mot, 'aide'."

Finally I get through to some idiot. I explain my problem, "Yes, when hot ladies call me, after two rings, they get a message asking them for a voice box number."
There's a long pause before the customer service guy responds with the competence and wisdom I've come to expect from a customer service rep, "HUH?! I don't understand."

I eventually manage to get him to understand the problem by getting him to call my phone line at home. Of course, before this was the mandatory security check. He asked me for my name and adress and phone number just in case I was someone else, trying to fix my phone problem. This is obviously a common problem, someone trying to fix problems. So they put me on hold. Then he comes back on the line, "Oh, that is strange. Let me trasnfer you to repair."

He puts me on hold again. The guy from repair answers. This guy's rude and its obvious that everything I say to him is just an unwelcome distraction from whatever it was he was doing before. "I don't understand your problem," he growls. Eventually we do the security check again. He calls my hom number leaving me on hold AGAIN!!! Then when he's back on the line, he says, "Oh, I'll transfer you to the ummm... RIGHT department." I imagine him transferring me then picking up a bookmarked Penthouse magazine so he can continue whatever it was he was doing before I called.

Now some bubbly girl answers the phone. Exactly the same thing happens. Confusion followed by security check. She calls my house, puts me on hold. Then she gets back on the line and says, "Oh, let me transfer you to the ummm... repair department."

Me: "I just got transferred from the repair department!"
Idiot Woman: "Really? What did they say?"
Me: "They said they would transfer me to the RIGHT department. You're the Right department! YOU!!!"
Idiot Woman: "Mmmmm.... Let me get my manager."

This is obviously going to be an epic wait so after five minutes I put the phone on speaker, filling the lab with annoying elevator music and the repeated phrase, "Your call is very important to us... Please stay on the line and representative will be with you in a moment."

As if I'm not angry enough, my co-worker decides to give me some advice.

Co-worker: "What are you doing??? How long have they had you on hold?"
Me: "Oh, ten, fifteen minutes?"
Co-Worker: "Talk to the manager!!!"
Me: "They're getting the manager now."
Co-Worker: "This is disgusting, hang up and call back... Don't be a pussy!"
Me: "Yeah, so I can go through the whole ridiculous process again?! I'll just wait."
Co-Worker: "Let me handle it!!! I'll fix your problem!"
Me: "Yeah?? You're an expert?? Isn't your laptop on warranty? Haven't you sent it to be fixed about twice and you still have to keep the paperclip on the screen so the picture isn't distorted???"
Co-Worker: "That's different... It's Futureshop! COME ON LET ME TALK TO BELL!!! I'll give you the dollar I owe you if you let me speak to them!"
Me: "You touch that phone and I'll kill you!!!"
Co-Worker: "I'm good at this stuff! Ask anyone! AAh, You're pathetic. Even Warren would have gotten service by now!!"
Me: "Warren???"

It's obvious he had some frustration and wanted to live out his fantasy of being a downtrodden customer who was pushed too far by living vicariously through my phone call. I"m getting angrier and angrier as he rambles on. Then another co-worker walks in. She walks up to the phone and stares at it in confusion for a moment before asking, "What's this?"

Me: "That's a phone... It's used to communicate with people over long distances."
Co-Worker: "But..."
Me: "I know, I know... I put it on speaker phone so I could wait on hold and do work at the same time."
Co-worker: "And you expect them to answer??"
Me: "Ummmm yes?"
Co-worker: "You're so naive... I remember when..."

Everything else was kind of a blur. This co-worker has, like the other has also been abused by beauracracy and is waiting to get back several hundred dollars because of some careless screw up. Yet, both of them know the best way to handle my problem. Their inane rambling mixes itself with the soporiphic waiting music and I kind of zone out. Just as the unthinkable was about to happen (one of them decided it would be fun to sing to the automatic message) the people at Bell pick up.

I run to the phone. The guy explains to me in mystified tones, "Yeah, that's really strange. I dont' know how that hapenned??? It doesn't make sense." I love that. Has their computer system developped some kind of artificial intelligence that it's able to outwit every level of management in this god-forsaken company? I mean, for my sake, PRETEND you know what's going on.

Anyway, I was told they could fix the problem in 24-48 hours. He rambled on a bit, "Well... at worst 48 hours... but probably less than 24... But be prepared for 48... I'm really sorry sir. I really don't know how this hapenned. But we'll fix it. I'll send the problem to a technician. Sorry you won't be able to get any calls."

Morons. How about you put the technicians on the phone instead of idiot kids who don't know s**t from toothpaste and waste my time while I'm at work. Regardless... The problem has been fixed. It only took about half an hour or forty minutes of frustration on the phone. I've had worse.

Fun Factoid: 5 billion yeast cells died while I tried communicating with Bell, a company dedicated to providing communication services.

The Rat Who Shagged Me

My friend Stef sent me this article about caffeine making female rats randy.

http://www.webmd.com/content/Article/117/112560.htm?pagenumber=1

It's always interesting to read studies about animals that don't involve actual quantitation of chemicals in their bodies because it requires so much human interpretation. In this study they say that if female rats were given caffeine before getting it on with a male rat, they were more likely to want seconds afterwards (more sex not more caffeine). They say the females "visited faster" afterward. But couldn't that just be because they were hyper from caffeine? They say the female would only leave after receiving more sexual stimulation.

But this begs the question, what's sexy to a female rat? Do the researchers know she was being sexually stimulated? Maybe the female was just coming back to chat with the male rat about marriage and children and the meaning of life. The male rat, not wanting any part of the conversation decided to grope her knowing this would result in more sex and/or less talking, causing the female rat to leave in tears, "You're only interested in one thing you rat bastard!"

It also makes you wonder how much of the researcher's own horniness factors into his/her data. "Oh, look, she's very interested... Who wouldn't be interested in having carnal, torrid relations with such a studly rat? My own husband doesn't bare his teeth that way anymore. Nor does he lash out with his tail in that come hither manner... In fact the last time we made sweet rat love, it lasted 10 seconds and..."

Anyway you get the point. I know someone who does REAL research on rats. I can't remember exactly what it involved. Something about letting them start having sex and then stopping them before the act was complete and then measuring the chemicals present in their brain. It's cold and quantitative like real science should be. (It's also brief and unsatisfying to the woman, like sex should be!!! cue the Fox network-esque OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'm just joking) Science reduces sex to a few chemicals produced by the brain with no human biases to mess up the data. No talk of, "Mmm, looks like the female wants a cigarette... I know I would." Or, "If I were a female rat, I'd definately want a man with a long tail who could last all night long." (This is an assumption, correct me if I'm wrong, J-9).

I guess it would be much easier if the rats could just speak English. Then we could listen to the conversations between all the female rats, "I was intimate with Bill last night and between you and me,it was he was so well endowed it's almsot as if he has TWO tails!!!" or, "I was intimate with Larry last night and quite frankly, it lasted about the amount of time it takes to spring a rat trap!"

I really can't remember where I was going with this... I originally had some very profound comment about sex and how animals are... something? Morality? Secularism? I can't remember. For some reason I can't get the thought of a rat with a giant wang out of my head, so this post is over.

Someone send me pics from the Toga party so I can write a post about it!

Signs that you're a slob

I had a funny chat with my friend Jenn tonight. I was describing how messy my apartment is and how I should be tidying it up instead of chatting on msn. I have a chair in my room, and like many people, rather than hang up my clothes I just toss the clothes on the chair. And as weeks pass the pile gets higher and higher. But the shameful part is, the pile got so high the other day, that the whole thing toppled over, and rather than hang up the clothes I endeavored to rebuild the pile so it was stable enough to retain its former glory.

Jenn tried to convince me that her apartment was also messy. She said a sure sign that things were getting out of hand at her place were.

1) The bed is unmade
2) The dishes are piling up

THAT'S IT??? I almost NEVER make up my bed. And dishes? Foggetaboutit! I retorted with:

3) There are leaves on the floor from my dying plant.

She countered with

4) There are dustbunnies in the corners.

Me:

5) Freaking silverfish have overrun my bathroom like the Uruk Hai overran Helmsdeep.

Jenn at a loss adds the very feeble,

6) Dusty furniture

Me, confident in my surpreme filthiness end it all with the shameful,

7) Sometimes, rather than take the garbage downstairs, I start a second garbage bag outside of the can and start filling that up!!!

Game, set, match!

I'm aware of the unnaceptable state of my apartment. I dont' try to justify it. And if I am about to have company over I do manage to clean things up to make the place acceptable. My crowning achievement is I seem to have defeated the silverfish in my apartment by spraying all of the radiators with raid. I haven't seen one since! Eat Piperonyl Butoxide you six legged bastards!

I think my apartment reflect my state of mind, or rather, the messiness of my apartment coaxes disorganized thought in my daily life. That's what my dad seems to think. I've been trying to find a reason for my general confusion and fragmented thought process. A messy apartment seems like a likely candidate.

The thought of my mess does come back to haunt me throughout the day sometimes. "Mmm... I left that plate with maple syrop in it at my computer desk didn't I?" And as my mind wanders back to the chaos of my apartment, that chaos manifests itself as me doing something particularly inept at work. For every derelict t-shirt in my apartment, I spill one beaker of chloroform in the lab. For every unwashed dish I accidently light a co-worker on fire... Beware... Masta's messiness may claim the life of you or one you love!

Holiday Hi-lights and Low-lights

Another holiday season has come and gone. I'm satisfied cuz I got to see friends and family before it was all done. I guess the main event was New Years which was basically drunken Karaoke night. It was a trans-posse affair with people from High School, the lab and even from out of town coming together in a tone deaf, orgiastic collision of worlds. Where else do you get to see Simon and Vrej team up to sing I had the Time of My Life while gazing longingly into each other's eyes? It was also somewhat prolific to have our old Math Teacher's son, in the room singing off key with a glass of whisky in his hand at all times. And of course those racists brought Fried Chicken with them.

Prior to that there was an outing with Marie-Eve, Pat and Mel that will go down in history as one of the most awkward movie outings ever. It started off with Karaoke at my apartment, then moved on to deliciousness at Baton Rouge. All good so far. A note of interest, that a conversation came up about the fact that the amount of ribs produced implied that many pigs died to feed us. Marie-Eve acted scandalized as if she didn't know that ribs came from dead pigs. I mention this for a reason that will come up later.

After food it was time for the movie and this is where things got messy. Mel had warned me before hand that she had promised to see Brokeback mountain with a friend of hers and that we were all to come. Now, it wouldn't be the first time I'd been accused of being a homophobe, but it really didn't interest me to see a movie about two gay cowboys. I don't think that makes me prejudice. How many of you racists saw Amistad?! Exactly. No matter, Pat and I could easily go see another movie while the ladies went to see Brokebackside Mountain Cowboys.

But then at dinner, Pat bails on me! He says he'll go see Brokeback Mountain, leaving me with the option of going home, or going to see another movie by myself. Anyway, after about 2 hours of complaining, we get to the theatre and I grudgingly pay for my ticket to see Brokeanus Cowboys, praying no one would see me there. The girls of course are like, "It won't be so bad, what's the big deal? Two cute guys who happen to be gay."

It was really funny because in the theatre, most people were obviously gay. Not only that, several gay couples seemed to know each other.

Bruce: "Hey! I hear this movie is great with all the sodomy and man-love."
Serge: "Yes. Gaylord Weekly called Brokeback Mountain a heart-warming, sphincter ripping good time!"

Now, not only was the movie itself pointless, but it included several scenes of graphic man love including a very early scene of sodomy. It was stupid. The movie basically sets itself up like this, "Hey, Heath Ledger, you look cold out there... Why not share this here tent with me?" and then they wake up in the tent and sodomize each other. One girl in the theatre got up and ran out of there the moment it began.

Anyway, the guys keep in touch. Then they get married and cheat on their respective wives to go to Brokeback Mountain and get it on. You don't really get a sense that they're in love. Just very horny. One guy goes to Mexico. I didn't realize at the time but it was explained to me that he was hiring male jigalows to satiate his lust for men. Have you ever seen a love story where some guy gets tired of keeping it in his pants so he hires a whore cuz his true love is otherwise occupied? Nothing says romance like a mexican man-whore... shudder... I hate this movie so much. SPOILER WARNING* The entire movie there is the sound of ravens cawing in the background and big surprise one of the gay guys dies! How tragic. And subtle. Is it just me or whenever a movie or franchise is going nowhere, they find it necessary to kill off a character?*

Let me say I also hated this movie for all the same reasons I hated American Beauty. Family values are kind of thrown out of the window to focus on two hopeless and selfish individuals. Big whoop! I think the movie fails on all levels. As a love story, as pornography, as drama, as a buddy comedy, as an action adventure, as sci-fi thriller... It's a train wreck. I hated it... I hated it right in the face!!! And I know all the critics are gushing all over it. Nuts to them!

What was fun though, was that the girls were just as uncomfortable if not moreso than the guys. "But.. But... They took it up the ass!"

Newsflash! That's what gay people do! It's all well and good for girls to think of gay men as well-dressed, mild-mannered, effeminate people who you can complain about your boyfriend to. But apparently it slips their minds that homosexuals, like heterosexuals, need some kind of orifice to carry out their... deeds... It's called reality (not the orifice mind you.. the orifice is called the @#$!&*). You can't enjoy ribs and pretend something didn't die to produce them. And you can't say you're not homophobic if the thought of two men ummm... making love? makes you uncomfortable. Anyway, that's the last time I keep an open mind. Thanks a lot PAT, MEL AND MARIE-EVE! Woman I will NEVER forgive you for this!

You know, I raised an eyebrow when Frodo kissed Sam on the head, I have no business going to see a movie like Brokeback Mountain. I guess I'm not mature enough. It took all of my will not to scream out, "OH S**T!!! THAT'S NASTY, GUY!!!!" I'm sure one day my ignorance will be tempered, but... this movie was too much too soon. Mind you I have no problems whatsoever with gay people. But I think portraying it on the big screen cheapens the beauty of love shared between one dirty ass cowboy and another and that it should be kept private! The only on screen man kiss that I felt was appropriate was between Aragorn and Boromir in the Fellowship of the Rings. After a discussion with my friend Jenn, we came to the conclusion that man kissing is only acceptable if one of the men has been pierced by several poisonned arrows and they are surrounded by dying Uruk Hai.

Otherwise, fun holidays. Thanks to all who took a part in New Year's at the Crizzouse. Vrej's bitterness toward New Year's comes with an important message. We don't need New Year's as an excuse to gather and get soused. This is what the Crizzouse is for. So for 2006 I prithee... Let's see more gatherings, more partying and more MORE Fried Chicken!

I'll be home for Me-tmas

I've never been this sick in my life. Thursday night I went to a party. Toward the end of the evening I began feeling particularly ill. I got dropped off, slowly crept up the stairs to my apartment. I took off my shoes, discarded my coat, went to the toilet and vomit for what felt like at least 5 minutes. It was, as always, amazing. I could see each meal coming out in turn. I really didn't eat that much for the day but the sheer volume of what I regurgitated was mind boggling. I must have lost 30 pounds.

Anyway I went to bed and was basically dead for 10 hours. I woke up a few times during the night, freezing cold and aching from head to toe. My headache was also something phenomenal, starting at the point where my neck meets the skull and spreading like an atom bom to all areas beyond. For the first time, I called in sick for work. I spent most of my time in bed... I drank some apple juice and nearly spewed that up.

The rest of the day was somewhat uneventful. Mom called. When she heard how sick I was she discouraged me to go to her place for dinner for Christmas Eve. The phone rang a few more times, the noise so agonizing it brought tears to my eyes. Then the unthinkable happened. The doorbell rang. I crept to the door wearing my too-small gray pyjamas and walking with the posture of a broke ass mister Burns. To my horror, there were 3 people! One was holding a guitar. My jaw dropped. He started playing... The woman started saying something... I couldn't understand what was hapenning all I wanted was for them to go away. "Money?" I voiced my thought desperately, "Do you want money?" I can't remember what she answered but I slowly made my way back to my room and got 3 dollars. I gave it to them and with a rictus smile in return they gave me some paper which I have yet to read. I could have given a hefty donation to the "Eat the Dolphins Foundation" for all I know. But at least they were gone. I closed the door and went back to my tomb. Even under 2 blankets and a comforter I was freezing cold, like someone had launched me into the deep reaches of outer space.

I used to think I was invincible. A towering Bastion of Might, impervious to most forms of sicknesses. Apparently I was wrong. And now, my sickness has taken precious Christmas from me. A foul turn of events indeed.

Uh-Oh Here comes you know who!!!

Today I found myself singing a jingle from one of my favourite Christmas Commercials. The one where Fred Flinstone is leaving Fruity Pebbles for Santa Claus. It's probably been over a decade since they used to air that commercial and I still know it by heart.

Children: Seasons greetings in our souls!
Fred: Yummy Fruity Pebbles in our Bowls!
*BAM!!!* Uh Oh, here comes you know who!
Santa(busting in): Yabba Dabba Fruity-licious too!
Barney: HoHoHo I'm HuHuHungry!
(incredulous) SANTA??? MY PEBBLES!!!
Fred(furious): YOUR PEBBLES!?
Santa: Tis the Season to be sharing Fred!
Fred (heart softenning): Happy Holidays Pal!
Barney (touched): Awwww. Fred!

It's really quite brilliant. Think about how dense that commercial is with plot and intrigue. In thirty seconds they establish that it's Christmas, Fred is leaving cereal for Santa and Barney intends to steal the cereal by disguising himself as Santa but is foiled when Santa ends up showing up before him. Santa however, warms Fred's heart and instead of the commercial ending as it usually does (with Fred chasing Barney like an impotent jerk), Fred decides to share his cereal and we all learn a little something about generosity and the Christmas spirit.

There are a few things that I used to take for granted back in the day. 1) Cereal apparently is a very valuable commodity. To this day commercials about cereal always depict some character desperately trying to STEAL cereal. STEAL!!! That cocky jerk, Sugar Bear, who apparently isn't above time travelling to ancient China" to steal cereal from an old woman. That stupid Trix rabbit. The ironically named Lucky, who apparently makes the cereal only to have it stolen by punk kids and then be denied eating it. Lucky Charms commercials are particularly disturbing. Lucky's entire existence revolves around keeping his eyes and ears sharp because there's always a group of kids malevolently plotting to steal his cereal.

Kids: "Lucky will never suspect what we're going to do next! Steal his cereal! So I say we go out there, and f**k him up!!"
Other Kid: "I can't wait! It has extra dye and sugar!" (Then the children dash off, wringing their hands in anticipation of screwing Lucky over again).
Lucky: "Hahah, stupid kids... I heard your plan... and as they say; fore-warned is fore-armed."

Next thing you know the kids bust in and gang bang him then steal his cereal.

Kids: "The price is wrong, b**ch! Thanks for the cereal ya green hat wearing pussy! We got yo' a$$, once again!"

I mean, they're such bullies. What ever hapenned to rooting for the underdog? You always know how it's going to end. Some characters, lousy children, the evil sugar bear, captain crunch end up getting the cereal. The less fortuante characters end up screwed. Worst case scenario, those with cereal exact a terrible vengeance on supposed cereal thieves asserting their exclusive right to the product.

Another thing that didn't strike me as odd at the time is that Barney would go through all of this trouble to steal cereal from Fred. I mean, Leprachauns and rabbits I can understand. But Barney? Some kind of post australopithican homonid stealing from his neighbour? Impersonating Santa Claus himself?

Which brings me to the last thing I took for granted. Santa Claus showing up is assumed in this commercial. No sooner does Fred put the cereal near the chimney than Santa is there ready to consume it. When I was young I probably didn't think to myself, "Wow... Santa? I don't believe this commercial has established to the viewer that Santa can exist in the Bedrock universe." I would just be satisfied. Yes, Santa aquiring cereal from Fred would be a most ironic foil to Barney's diabolical plan.

I miss being a kid. The 80's 90's were really my time. Everything seemed to be targetted to me. It was likeI was the center of the universe. And Christmas time is where it all came together. Every commercial was aimed to please me, delight and bewilder me. Now I think too much to enjoy Christmas the way I used to. Back in the day I would be anticipating Christmas by November. I would just let all the shameless advertising wash over me like nerve gas. Everyday was a joy up until December. Now I'm Scrooge-esque. I feel more of the stress of Christmas and the pressures of new years. It's already only a week away.

I suppose most Christmas movies would say I would get into the Christmas spirit if I did something nice for someone. Cereal commercials show us that at Christmas time, we forgive our enemies for committing unspeakable cereal theft and forego exacting a horrible vengeance upon them. We might even share our cereal with them. The crooked ass police from the Cookie Crisp Precinct did. So did Fred.

So from my blog to yours, I'd like to welcome you all to whatever cereal is in my house. I finished the Honey Nut Cheerios but there's other stuff with that Quaker Oats guy on the box. Brown Sugar and something... with fiber and extra goodness!

I'd like to see a commercial where the Quaker Oatmeal guy is running from children who are brandishing pitchforks and torches, the Quaker clutching in his hands a bowl of oatmeal. He falls off a cliff and gets beaten by the kids.

Kids: "Thanks for the cereal you Queero Quaker! That will teach you to mess with delinquent younglings."
Quaker(in a foppish british accent): "Oh, my head...." (Camera zooms out to reveal the quaker impaled on a large sharp rock. Younglings eat oatmeal.)

Blacks, whites, Cookie Crooks and even pasty punk Leprachauns. Happy Holidays.

The Ghetto-fication of MastaCSG

Gone are the days of living with parents when any money earned was pure liquid capital. Now that I live on my own, I have expenses. Food, rent and the like. And despite my best efforts. instincts kick in that were somewhat repressed in the past. The instinct to be cheap and save a dime wherever possible.

I try to suppress it, but sometimes it's just overwhelming. The other day, my supervisor got a calendar from the company that he orders chemical reagents from. He said, "If anyone needs a calendar, I got one from Bio Rad." Nice calendar. There was a picture of a parrot on the cover... for some reason. I tried not to look too excited. "Well," I said, "If you're not going to take it." In my mind I was thinking, "SICK!!! FREE CALENDAR!!! WAY TO BRING IN THE NEW MILLENIUM... EXCUSE ME... WILLENIUM!!!"

Today I felt like buying croissants but didn't want to go to the grocery store where I knew I could get 6 for 3$. Instead I stopped by a nearby bakery on the way home. With a big smile on my face I anticipated feasting on tasty croissants and asked, "How much for the Croissant?" She responded, "1 dollar." My face contorted in horror, "EACH???" mmm... Awkward! I kind of looked around the bakery embarassed trying to save face. I dont' know what I was trying to convey as I lingered in the bakery. I certainly wasn't considering paying a dollar for a croissant. But I didn't want to spin around and storm out the moment she announced the price of the croissant was a dollar. So I stood there, avoiding eye-contact for about 10 uncomfortable seconds and I finally left the bakery chagrinned.

I do however enjoy making the the people at Famous Players feel uncomfortable by complaining about the cost of popcorn. I bought the popcorn and then, knowing full well they charge 50 cents for "topping" I asked, "Could I please have topping with that?" Then I acted surpised when I saw 50 cents appear on the little cash register. "50 cents for topping?!?! Don't you find that atrocious?!"

The guy looked pretty uncomfortable. He just said, "I... I can't.."
Me: "I know... But it's pretty sickenning, dont' you think? 5 dollars for popcorn? Does this s**t make any sense to you??? DOES IT???" Then I went into my whole rant about how I had an entire box with 10 bags of popcorn at home for which I had paid only 5 dollars. He looked scared at this point. He filled a bag with popcorn and when he nervously placed it on the counter some of the kernels fell out. He looked at me and cringed slightly, then returned to the popcorn maker, emptied the bag and REFILLED IT!!! to make sure it was overflowing with pop-corn. Ah, the joys of being an angry black man.

"Do I get free refills for my drink?" I knew the answer was no. But I wanted him to tell me. And he did. I shook my head in dissaproval and walked away with my salty buttery snack. I think I made my point.

Probably the most ghetto aspect of my life at this point is my discman. Where most people are rocking mp3 players and ipods and the like, I'm still carrying around my reliable discman that plays mp3 files off of CDs, purchased from Droopy for 20$. But that's not the ghetto part. The ghetto part is that I dropped it on the ground a while ago and the mechanism that keeps it closed broke. The result of this is I have to keep it closed with a rubber band. Not ghetto enough? Well, a few weeks ago I lost the rubber band! The very next day after losing it, I was walking back home from harvey's with some lab cronies when I found several rubber bands of appropriate size on the sidewalk. Having no rubber bands at home, I promptly copped the derelict rubber bands, wrapped one around my maimed discman and put the rest in my pocket, just in case!

The ghetto instinct is a strange thing indeed. Sure it makes me a cheap bastard on most occasions. But I still spend copious amounts of money on food. I can't buy pizza without a side order of chicken wings. I NEVER buy a mcD's combo without a side order of chicken nuggets. I've gone to see Harry Potter twice once with popcorn and declicious blue Kool-aid (made from 100% pure blue. Blue Kool-aid has 70% blue proof.... and that's per volume!) For some reason I even decided that it was absolutely necessary for me to buy a brand spanking new copy of Moby Dick and an anthology of poems by Edgar Allan Poe. My finances are still in order... So is ghetto-fication necessary as a graduate student of modest assets, or is it just the result of knowing that my supply of money is no longer limitless? Or maybe it's just fun to be ghetto, and furrow my brow at cashiers and give them lectures about how expensive things are.

Or maybe I've always been cheap. Since the dawn of existence a typical trip to Harvey's will always evoke the following words of wisdom, "50 cents for cheese on my hamburger?! Let me tell you something ... I bought an entire package of cheese for about 2 dollars from IGA. What would you have me do? Walk around with slices in my pocket in case some knave like yourself tries to charge me 50 cents for a lesser product? I won't give you the satisfaction, cur!! No cheese for me!!! I'll have the plain hamburger with FREE pickles, tomatoes and onions please. What's that on the menu? Smiles are also free? Then hook me up with that too, BIATCH!" That's not being cheap, that's just being a smart consumer. And probably a bit of a jerk.