Insomnia

For some reason I couldn't sleep this morning so I arrived at work for about 7am. Not having much to do I was pretty much finished my work by 11, 11:30. Now, for those who work on the 5th floor, this is trouble. Everyone knows that a bored MastaCSG is a mischievious MastaCSG. I went to Dr. Martin's lab, distracted them, all of whom were very busy. Then I had a raucous laughing session with Eli, the Exotic Latvian Scientist who was in her office, chatting on msn instead of working.

So I notice that a colleague of ours, let's call him the Sherminator, logs on to MSN and asks Eli, "Shouldn't you be working?" So, I tell Eli to move over, crack my knuckles and commandeer her keyboard. With me posing as Eli, I began a conversation with the Sherminator. Eli looked on in horror.

Sherminator says:
hey! shoulden't you be working
Eli Says:
I want you.
Sherminator says:
no you don't
Eli Says:
I WANT TO JUMP YOUR BONES!!!
Sherminator says:
*surprised emoticon*
Eli Says:
Come now...
Eli Says:
TAKE ME!!!!
Sherminator says:
ummmmm, errrr. ok
Sherminator says:
?
Sherminator says:
it's kind of hard at a distance tho
Eli Says:
I'm waiting for you... In the guys bathroom.
Eli Says:
ONthe fifth floor.
Eli Says:
Meet me there in 4 minutes.
Sherminator says:
but i'm not at school
Eli Says:
Fine...
Eli Says:
30 minutes.
Sherminator says:
but i wont be there then either
Eli Says:
Fine, I'll see what Dr. Tsang is up to.
Sherminator says:
i'm in the waste island
Sherminator says:
but i'll be in soon, train at 11:45

Sherminator then logs off immediately! I can just picture him getting dressed, considers brushing his hair, but leaves in a hurry to catch the train. Now, I don't know how long it takes to get from the West Island to the school, but Sherminator must have broken some record cuz he was in school in about 20 minutes looking rather dishevelled I might add. Now I don't want to jump to any conclusions or anything but... I SUSPECT the Sherminator thought he was going to get some action. I'd like to say I'm a genius but... He just made it so easy. He barely seemed to question Eli's sudden desire to "Jump his bones."

Later and I Eli and I went to invite Sherminator to lunch. We went to his office. I hid around the corner while she asked him if he was free for lunch. Sherminator of course accepted eagerly and when he walked out of his office he saw me with a big grin on my face, "OOH!!! YOU'RE HERE!!!" He said looking surprised and maybe a little annoyed at my presence.

*COCKBLOCKED!!!!*

Anyway, so I asked Eli to save the convo, she then sent it to me via email (a wonderful invention if I do say so myself). My understanding is that neither of them mentionned anything about the bizarre MSN convo.

Then, after lunch I spent another hour bothering people at work. I came home and napped for a few hours. Then posted this blog for you all to enjoy. Another full day of work. I'm tired.

Maury-phobia

I read somewhere that phobias like, fears of spiders, snakes, heights all evolved so that people would have a natural fear of things that are dangerous, but might not seem immediately dangerous. A psychology student told me that that theory doesn't seem to hold much water but nuts to her! Tom Cruise doesn't acknowledge her field of study and Tom Cruise knows everything. He starred in Minority Report for crying out loud!

Anyway, all this jibba jabberin is just a lead up to some clips Dave sent me from the Maury show. I love the guy. He's so evil. In this episode he's brought people who have unnatural fears on stage only to inundate them with the site of that which terrifies them most.

This clip includes footage of a woman who is afraid of birds. But if her fear of birds isn't amazing enough, Maury's sheer amusement over the whole thing certainly is. He laughs at her, ridicules her and as a final insult brings out a tiny bird to watch her shriek and carry on like an escaped mental patient.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PT4PwVhlSvs&mode=related&search=

Watch all the way to the end. The second woman is afraid of mustard! Mustard! And not only that she used to work at burger king!!

Maury: "Do you like ketchup??"
Woman: "I love ketchup!"

And the look on his face. "Mustard??? You're afraid of MUSTARD??? YOU STUPID C**T!!! IT'S MUSTARD!!!" Then he'll flash mustard on the screen. "Even the packets of mustard???" Then he had women bring out trays with big heaping piles of mustard on it. They play this horror music in the back. Classic.

I love the Maury show he's such a bastard. He sits there with a self satisfied smile and when the woman he brings on the air has had a total breakdown, he tells the stage hands, "That's enough!" As if he wasn't involved at all. Connie Cheung must be so proud.

Watch some of the other videos. There's a woman afraid of balloons and a woman who's afraid of pickles. The latter of course works at a restaurant where they serve pickles.

The woman afraid of balloons is special. She thinks it's ruining her life! I mean... I can go months without seeing balloons. I think that's a good phobia to have. I mean, she's still psycho but... Balloons aren't that abundant. But she stayed in her house for 10 months for fear of balloons! Where is she living? The circus district?

Maury: "The way they float??? What could it do???"
Woman: "I'm going to die one day because of baloons. There's just going to be so many of them... I can't do anything with my grandchildren."

What's wrong with her grandchildren? "Grandma, we will not engage in any non-balloon activities! EVER!!!"

Please do watch the videos. He's so cruel to these women. It's great!! Maury you son of bitch... Keep up the good work. This is exploitation at its finest.

Away/Busy/Snubbing

I spend more and more time on MSN like most people. I don't have the opportunity to be online while at work like most people but I imagine if I was working a desk job I would be online almost all day. It's an insidious addiction. I turn on the computer instinctively, sometimes with no goal in mind whatsoever. Even when I know that logging onto msn will only result in me wasting time when I have actual important things to do, I still turn it on. Just to check my email... Just to see who's there... Hours later I'm talking to someone I haven't seen in a while. It's a good way to keep in touch. Chances are I would have lost touch with lots of cool people had it not been for the internet.

I used to think I had the most hilarious personal messges. "MastaC$G- Now with Vitamin C!" "MastaC$G- Part of this complete breakfast!"

But that was a long time ago. It's as if long hours on MSN have crippled my creativity. And everyone's for that matter. Now the personal message includes an irrelevant account of what that person is doing, or will be doing. "MastaC$G- Procrastinating!" Is there anything more ridiculous than announcing to the world that you're wasting time by being online?

As I browse my MSN list now I notice that most people are away. What does "away" mean? I see Jon is "away". I'm going to try talking to him.

....

MastaC$G says:
Hey Jon, are you there?
jons says:
ya?
MastaC$G says:
What's up?
jons says:
noT much, is this chris gregg,being civil???
MastaC$G says:
No, I'm just wondering why you put "away" if you're actually not away.
jons says:
i am away, im in my room though
MastaC$G says:
So you're away from what?
jons says:
if there was a message in proximity i would put it
MastaC$G says:
Okay...
MastaC$G says:
also my friend is writing an essay.
MastaC$G says:
She wants arguments as to why prostitution should remain illegal.
MastaC$G says:
I figure you MOMZ WOULD HAVE A REBUTTLE!!!!!
jons says:
lOl, hmmm

This girl identified as X is now writing me messages. Her status is set to "busy" yet she's offering me a cookie. What's up wit dat???

....

MastaC$G says:
Hey, why is your status set to busy?
MastaC$G says:
If your online, you can't be that busy? What's up wit dat???
X says:
Its whacked.. say it!
X says:
I dont know..
X says:
i tend to do that
MastaC$G says:
Do you like to seem unavailable?
MastaC$G says:
Does that make you feel important??? HUH??? IS THAT WHAT THIS IS???
X says:
THATS EXACTLY IT!!
X says:
brb, my brother just farted and it smells like eggs in my room

Sounds real busy! I think wasting time on MSN is bad enough. But then there are all these mind games involved. Everyone making themselves seem sooo goddamn "busy" and "away". MSN has robbed the words of all meaning.

Disney on Icing

Sometime mid may there was a comment on the message board that Aladdin was a good movie. Tiger commented, "Jasmine? I'd hit it." I of course added my two cents and mentionned that Belle from Beauty and the Beast was easily the hottest of the Disney Princesses.

So this weekend I was to go over to Jbo's and Marie-Eve's for a birthday gathering. The event was being heralded, Masta's birthday palooza. Off the top of my head I asked Joe that morning if Jbo and Marie Eve would do something crazy like buy birthday hats and balloons and stuff like that. I just had a feeling.

So, I show up at the Jbo/Maeva homestead and this is what greets me at the door.



I don't think any two words can adequately summarize what I felt at that moment. Confusion... Maybe I was a little frightenned. Maybe I thought I was at the wrong house. I looked at the neighbour's normal door, without Disney Princesses on it. And then Marie Eve beckonned me inside the one with the disney princesses on the door. I was at the right house. "Why is this a Princess Party?"

And the inside of the house was indeed decorated with balloons, napkins, party hats and yes even the table cloth was covered with Disney Princesses. I don't know how much of the evening I really want to disclose. Even less have documented on the internet.

Marie-Eve really did a great job. She prepared lots and lots of delicious food. I was really touched. And goddamn that s**t tasted good. Chicken brochettes, shrimp, chicken wings (some fried) Salad both corn and macaroni. Veggies with dip and the dip was even put into bell peppers cut in half. I thought putting the dip into hollowed out bell peppers showed EXTRA love. Again, I was moved to tears. It was amazing. Like those chapters in Lord of the Rings where the hobbits sit down to a table of food and make freaking pigs of themselves. Look at all it's majesty.



Here was the Belle princess cake, chocolate spice cake with chocolate chips. I saved the face, for myself.



High lights of the evening include bizarre conversations which will probably come up in court some day to defame my character. ie, Which Disney princess has the biggest cans? I for one said Belle. Dave argued that Ariel must have the biggest cans if she's supporting two seashells on them. Which one of the disney princesses was legal? Stuff like that.

So these party hats are designed for children's heads, I was pretty sure the string would break. But Mo, apparently having divine powers managed to fit one around his waist and use the Disney Princess Party hat as some kind of unholy strap on dildo.



What else? Oh, Rez smashed pink icing in my face. I didn't get pics or videos of that yet, but check the message boards sometime in the near future for those. Another Alpha Posse Miracle... Friday, I was talking to someone and mentionned offhand that "My movie collection would be complete if only I had the star trek movies!"

Sure enough in my gift bag, (with a picture of Belle on it) was the ENTIRE Star Trek movie collection. Add to that the skill game classic Operation, tons of copables from Vrej's trip to E3, I cleaned up gift-wise.

And friends wise! And friendswise ;-) You guys are the best, honestly.

I mean, the evening was disturbing, the decor, gay beyond anything my mind could have previously fathomed. Will I ever forget this? Never. Is that a good thing? The jury is out. There may come a time when I'll need to deny the events of that evening ever took place. But great times as always. Thank you Vrej, Rez, Kenny, Dave, Joe, Mo and of course Jbo and Marie Eve for putting together such a nice bday for me! Heart you all!

Look at me!! I'm Jesus!!

Not too surprisingly, people are protesting about the release of the Da Vinci Code, a fictional novel that people have arbitrarily decided to take as fact. Ever wonder what Jesus thinks of all of this?

I mean really. I sometimes feel bad when living people are portrayed by actors. How did Muhammad Ali feel when Will Smith decided to play him? It must come off as a mockery at that point. But I can just imagine Jesus up there getting annoyed, "How is that guy me??? First of all... I'm black... Second of all I have a much more pronounced jawline."

Remember when the Passion of the Christ came out? There was some story to the effect that the camera man was struck by lightning TWICE!!! The shocking thing (no pun intended) is that Mel Gibson took that as a sign that everything was going well. That God (who exists by the way) was pleased with what they were doing. How can being struck by lightning be a good thing? If someone's doing a good job do you try to kill them twice? Kudos to Mel on a very convenient and farfetched interpretation of the supernatural event. Here's what I think was going down.

God: "Have they stopped making that movie about my son yet?"
Lightning Angel: "No, Sir."
God: "Did you strike the guy with lightning???"
Lightning Angel: "Yeah...TWICE in fact. It only seems to have strengthenned their resolve."
God: "Fine... Turn up the juice and strike him again."
Lightning Angel: "Ummm.. Sir, you should know that a higher voltage will likely kill..."
God: "I said... Turn up the F**KING JUICE!!!"
Angel goes to lightning machine, turns a comically huge dial and the machine emits a frightenning hum.

Back on earth.

Mel Gibson: "Okay, now Jesus you turn around to the Camera and say, "I know Kung Fu." Then Pontius Pilate you say, "Show me!!!""
Camera Man looks warily at the sky before getting his ass blasted again:"AAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"
Mel Gibson: "Thanks God! I'll keep up the good work! Jesus... Are you thinking what I'm thinking?? Leopard print thong????"
Camera Man *ZAPPED*: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

I guess I wouldn't really mind being portrayed in a movie. Once you realize it's just fiction. All in good fun. I know actors like to take themselves seriously, but for years now I've realized there's a shortcut that everyone uses for impersonating another human being. I always credited this technique to Droopy's brother, the late Daemon Spawn but everyone seems to do it now. I noticed specific three steps when Bahira was "impersonating" me the other day.

Step 1: You say, "Look at me, I'm (insert name)." This is an interesting strategy especially considering you're already engaged in a conversation with said person and you are usually NOT them.
Step 2: Bend your arms 90 degrees and rock them left and right repetitively as if you're.... walking??"
Step 3: Say what you're doing in this specific impersonation of the subject.

The end effect is something like this. "Look at me! I'm Chris!! I use big words like 'catharsis'!!!"

It's not really offensive if you know that it's fictional. I say actors should use this technique when portraying Jesus just to remind people that it's a movie that's bias by both actors and directors involved.

Don Cheadle: "Look at me!! I'm Jesus!! I'm doing Mary Magdelene."
Kiefer Sutherland: "Look at me! I'm Jesus! Someone asked me how to treat my fellow man so I shot him in the chest! Now I'm getting drunk and tackling the cross!"
50 Cent: "Look at me!! I'm Jesus!! I'm shooting Judas and holding my gun sideways!"

Could Jesus possibly take umbrage to that? It's obvious the director took some creativity. I always hoped Jesus had a sense of humour about himself. I mean, if he's super human he must have super humor no??? If not then this post was probably innapropriate. I think Jesus laughed though. Maybe he laughed soooo hard, he farted a little bit!!!

I choose to believe Jesus is more concerned that we're all so rotten to each other and not a movie or a silly blog post that we all know isn't true.

addendum: I've just been struck by lightning... I think that's God's way of saying he hearts this post.

CGI = Computer Generated Idiocy

I thought this interview with Steve Carell was brilliant. The interviewer is asking him about his role in the CGI kids movie, Over the Hedge. So simple. He really know how to commit to a stupid rant. I really laughed.

http://Video.sympatico.msn.com/v/en-ca/v.htm?g=e7f4b29a-f194-4869-b814-162fce0aa970&f=rssimbot_en-ca&fg=copy

What is not brilliant is Hollywood's obsession with these CGI movies. I mean, Over the Hedge is a cartoon about furry little animals doing stuff. This is like the 4th movie in a year to feature animals doing stuff. Madagascar, The Wild, this cheesiness. Enough already! But what's even more frustrating is the people they choose to voice the characters in these movies. I mean, it's a kids movie and they have Bruce Willis as the main voice? Bruce Willis as some kind of racoon? Bruce Willis has starred in more R-rated movies than anything else, I don't think kids give a damn. And I'm sure he doesn't really do a great job, he's not a voice actor and his voice isn't particularly remarkable. He's just some guy. William Shatner? Most kids probably don't know anything about captain Kirk. It's offensive.

Are 8 year old kids in the sandbox discussing the voice actors in this movie?

Lil Jimmy: Hey are you going to see Over the Hedge, guy?
Lil Marc: I don't know... Who's in it?
Lil Jimmy: Bruce Willis, Steve Carell...
Lil Marc: Who's Steve Carell?
Lil Jimmy: He was in 40 Year Old Virgin.
Lil Marc: What's a virgin?
Lil Jimmy: I think I just pooped in my pants...

I hope they're not trying to appeal to me by featuring all these actors. I say, if you're going to do an animated movie get voice actors from cartoons. All the voice actors in Futurama, the Simpsons can do incredible things with their voice (notice family guy voice actors aren't so versatile?). But these are funny people with funny voices.

I was talking to Real Dave last week and he made a very interesting point. While discussing this overkill of movies featuring roadkill, he said something I agreed with 100%. With all the resources they use to make these CGI movies, why don't they make some awesome action movies?? Like the Japanese Final Fantasy movie (not the american one with Ming Na, that sucked). But they could really make some incredible CGI action movies. They made a 5 minute CGI film for the Animatrix. Make it a full length picture with lots of action. If I imagine myself as a movie producer, I realize we have this technology the first thing that comes to mind is... Action??? Violence??? James Earl Jones as a dragon? Lawrence Fishburne as an evil wizard?? Cool voices behind cool characters. I wish I knew why a movie producer is commiting millions of dollars to make movies about squirrels, bugs, talking cars...That's an outrage!!! Hook me up with some action! Instead of fuzzy f**king animals 3 times a year.

I think kids movies are really going in a bad place. I think the era of kids movies was dominated by Robin Williams. He was in everything back in the day. I mean, I would go and see Hook, and think I'm seeing a big boy movie cuz it was live action. Then he does Aladdin, I recognize his voice, and I'd feel like a big boy cuz Robin Williams was in a live action movie too. Furthermore, Robin Wiliams did all sorts of brilliant things with his voice. He could impersonate anyone and he was funny. Bruce effing Willis??? Eff that... Just because something has syrop on it doesn't make it pancakes... Just because a movie is CGI, doesn't mean it's good.

Of course Wanda Sykes says Over the Hedge is the greatest movie ever made. Maybe I'll go see it.

Incredible and Influencial

I've been finishing ridiculously early in the lab and as you might expect the overwhelming freedom has lead me to indulge in some things that I'm not terribly proud of. Namely, today I watched Oprah at around 4pm (for as long as I could before falling into a deep sleep).

I was talking about Oprah the other day with someone at work. Just to fathom the power of this woman... She's supposedly worth 1.4 billion USD! Not only is she stinking rich, but people do whatever she says. Any book she features on her book club immediately goes to the best sellers list. It is believed that she cost the beef industry some 12 million dollars when she made an off-handed remark about being afraid of mad cows disease. I like this quote from Ben Shapiro of Townhall.com.

"Oprah Winfrey is the most powerful woman in America. She decides what makes the New York Times best-seller lists. Her touchy-feely style sucks in audiences at the rate of 14 million viewers per day. But Oprah is far more than a cultural force -- she's a dangerous political force as well, a woman with unpredictable and mercurial attitudes toward the major issues of the day."

I can't even get people to watch certain movies that I find cool. I don't understand what it is about her. There's a kind of magic about her. I mean, today the show was about women who hate themselves. And the format of these shows is just ridiculous because you have some messed up woman sitting in between Oprah and a professional psychiatrist. Technically Oprah shouldn't have a goddamn say in the matter, she's sitting there because of her name alone.

But the funny thing is, you still want to believe everything she says. The psychiatrist became less and less relevant as time went on. By the end of the show I thought I was messed up to and wished that Oprah could fix me!!! "YOU'RE RIGHT OPRAH!!! WILLY'S BEEN A BAD FATHER!!! BOOHOOHOO!!!"

Some people have a gift what else can you say? Oprah's credibility in any of the topics she choses to discuss is irrelevant at this point. Even when she emphasizes her ignorance in a particular situation, people only half listen to the expert and later turn to Oprah and thank her, usually with tears streaming down their face.

It's kind of dangerous when you think about it. The media (including the internet) has replaced people's need to think. You don't have to be critical about the information coming to you. You just type in a question on line and you're bombarded with answers. You don't need to turn to religion, or the law... Oprah will tell you what's right and what's wrong. Tom Cruise will tell you why depression isn't a medical condition that requires treatment. It's so easy to be stupid with these people around. I'm not saying it's their fault that people are ignorant, but it doesn't help.

And besides the ease access to the information they provide us, they dazzle us with they're glorious lifestyles. Who needs credibility when you got bank like dat??Oprah's beautiful homes and love of Lays potato chips and fashionable clothing... I want that!!! I want it all!!! Even just a taste of Oprah's life is euphoric. Have you ever seen the looks on people's faces when they realize they 're on Oprah's "Favourite Thing's" episode? They look like they just won the lottery! And in many ways they have! In 2004 she gave each member of the audience (276 people) Pontiac Sedans!! That's insane!

One day I'll have to go to the Oprah Winfrey Show in the off chance that I'll get hooked up with one of her favourite things. Knowing my luck I'll get some boring episode where she gives away books.

Oprah: "If you look under your chair you'll notice a copy of the book we've been discussing! "My Tears Fall Upon my Saggy Sad Bosom: A woman's struggle with Anorexia".
Me: "Saggy tear soaked bosoms?? I want a car!! I'll never forgive you for this Oprah!!"

I wonder if Oprah ever wants to test her power??? "I wonder how many people would try to kill the President if I told them to?? I wonder how many stay at home moms would join the army if I told them to??? Could I get thousands of people to jump off a bridge???" I guess it's a good thing I'm not Oprah... yet.

Maury Poovich

Jbo was telling me recently about a Colbert interview of Connie Cheung. When asked how she would describe her husband's line of work she responded that he was an "investigative journalist." Her husband is of course media darling Maury Povich and his brand of investigative journalism is somewhat unique. Sometimes, instead of going to work at a decent hour I like to watch a few minutes of the Maury Show. For those of you who don't know him, he's like a poor man's Springer.

Every time I've watched the show he's basically conducting paternity tests. Some very charming young women come on stage and explain that they've given birth to a child and 1 of a possible 10 men could be the father. And the father comes out, curses out the woman and makes some feeble arguments about how the child couldn't POSSIBLY be his. "Look at dem eyes.... They're TOTALLY different."

It's a very educational show. I for one learned that no matter how ugly, ignorant, fat and generally repulsive a woman is, there's always some guy who would gladly do her if she's easy enough. I wonder if these guys tell there friends about it the next day? Certainly nothing to be bragging about.

Some guy: Hey dude... I GOT SOME LAST NIGHT!!! HIGH FIVE!!!
Dude's friend: Sweet! What was she like???
Some guy: Oh... umm... she's like any other girl.
Dude's friend: Was she hot?
Some guy: Well... she was slightly... overweight. Not like... Fat... But... you know... fat. And ugly.
Dude's friend: Mmm... Well, I'm sure she had a nice personality.
Some guy: I guess... I mean... she's really annoying. And dishonest. I think she's married or something. And wow is she ignorant.
Dude's friend: Well... No high five for you. BAd!! BAD SOME GUY!!

Following this the guy gets the call from Maury. "You remember that fat, ignorant, married slut you did 9 months ago? You're 1 of a possible 10 men who may be the father!"

Then they go on the show. It's the saddest thing in the world. I mean it's bad enough to be cheating on your significant others, but to bring kids into your messed up lives is unforgivable. One episode I saw included a flash back of several episodes where the woman believed 1 of 25 men could have been the father of her child! No joke! And during the course of the show's run Maury had tested 8 men. This episode was lucky #9! The guy was some young kid who really didn't know any better but said that, if the child was his, he would step up and do his duty. And all the while on the screen is a picture of a beautiful child who is too young and innocent to know how sad and unnavailable her parents are. And one day that poor child might become the same way.

Anyway as it turns out, #9 wasn't the father either, sending the mother into a hysterical fit where she ran back stage and wept bitterly.

The reason why I say Maury is a poor man's Springer, is because as far as I know, Maury doesn't sign off with a final thought. If I were him, every episode I would say, "In our country there are millions of hobags like these popping out children every day! Many of them have boyfriends already, many of them are engaged, married... Many have children. You probably have no romantic interest in them but if you're the man desperate enough to want a piece of that... Please, have the good sense to use a condom. Hell use several condoms, spermicides and force feed that ho of yours a whole mess of birth control pills. Hey, don't stop there! Go for the vasectomy/hystorectomy! No child deserves either of you as parents. Thanks for watching!"

The Big Picture

I was on my way to have delicious sushi with a friend. We were debating between going to Kanda or this other place, Katsura. We settled on Katsura which was delicious. Good times! Among things that were said that night were

1) Sea Urchin??? Who would eat that??
2) I used to take classes with Karine. The girl who's dating Simon? Yeah, I used to call her Julie all the time.
3) Well, I'm glad we didn't go to Kanda for all you can eat Sushi. I wouldn't have been able to finish and that would have been humiliating.

That wasn't the odd part. The odd part was the next day my coworker says, "I went to Kanda last night. A word to the wise, don't try Sea Urchin! Incidentally I bumped into Simon and Karine. AWKWARD!"

Everyone decided to have Sushi that night? It's almost as if someone were directing a movie. While I was trying to figure out what kind of freak would eat sea urchin, my fool coworker was scarfing it down in a restaurant not more than 4 minutes away.

Me, looking at a menu with pompous self-satisfaction: "Sea Urchin??? What happened? Did the restaurant run out of donkey rectum??"

Cut to my coworker at the restaurant with his mouth full: "MMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!! Scrumptious Sea Urchin!!! Just like mom used to make!!!"

Just another page in the script of life. I was shocked the other day helping Jbo and Marie-Eve move into their new crib (BTW congrats you two!) And Justin got a phone call. I asked him, "Who was that?"

Jbo: "That was Rez and Vrej."
Me: "Where are they?"
Jbo: "They're trying out for a senior baseball team on the West Island."

SENIOR Baseball team? It's like that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer joins the Karate class to beat up little kids. That just struck me as one of the most random answer I could have gotten. Tell me it doesn't sound like a team of writers sat down for hours going through a list of the funniest possible answers to my mundane question. What zany scheme are Rez and Vrej up to this week?

Me: "Where are they?"
Jbo: "Rez and Vrej are talking to their financial adviser about opening a business that sells Emus as a mode of transportation for little people."

or

Me: "Where are they?"
Jbo: "They're buying a pig... Next week they're going truffle hunting and they need a pig to sniff out the delicious truffles!"

or

Me: "Where are they?"
Jbo: "They're in court. Last week they were riding an emu and they hit Bill Haugland."

I had another funny talk with a friend the other day. She was on MSN and was listening to informer by Snow.

Me: "Your MSN name says you were listening to Informer by Snow."
My Friend: "Yeah... It's a good song... I used to date Snow's cousin."

Snow has a cousin? She then went on to explain how she used to see him hanging around with super ghetto people. Anyway, seemed like the setup for a TV show. And then later on everything would all come together.

Jbo hangs up his cell phone
Me: "Who was that?"
Jbo: "That was Vrej and Rez. Their Emu attacked Snow and now they're involved in some kind of gang war. The Emu got shot, but not before giving Snow's bling handler a solid kick to the chest."
Me: "Could they just pay them off with their truffle money?"
Jbo: "No... Bill Haugland ate their pig to get back at them... And all of their truffles."
Me: "Well ain't that some s**t!"

Isolated I suppose these little random events don't seem particularly funny or striking, but I can imagine some omnipotent being, a "God" if you will, looking at all these things at once and marveling at his own brilliance. "Tomorrow I'll give Marie-Eve a larger role. Can anyone say, long lost twin???"

Geek History 101

For some reason Pearl Harbour came up today. Not the actual battle, but the God awful movie starring Ben Affleck and the cheesenormous star of "Lucky Number Slevin!" There are lots of things that are terrible about that movie, least of which is the fact that it was just a very generic and crappy romance story that could have been set against the backdrop of any historical battle and to call the movie Pearl Harbour is an insult to... pretty much anyone who knows what Pearl Harbour is.

I told the guy who hadn't seen the movie, "Yeah, that movie could have been called D-Day or Bastille Day... or World War I... Or... Ummmm... The Clone Wars." The Clone Wars of course never REALLY hapenned, depending on how you choose to define real. If by real you mean it wasn't a war that took place in a bad movie (Star Wars II) then I guess the Clone Wars never hapenned. I struggled hard to think of more real battles than fictional ones. But I soon realized I can name far more fictional wars than real ones.

The battle on Pelennor fields (Lord of the Rings), the battle for Zion (the Matrix), the battle at Wolf 359 (Where the Federation made their stand against the Borg). Does anyone know how Captain Sisko retook Terok Nor? War of the Lance? Trolloc Wars? Battle of Endor? I could probably name many, many more but this has become embarassing enough.

I guess it's not so bad. I mean so called "real" history just repeats itself anyway, right? It's all about the same thing... Some guys want stuff from the other guys and come up with elaborate and irrational reasons to kill said guys. At least in fictional wars there are monsters, clones, wanton slaughter of Gungans/Ewoks... robots if you're lucky. At the end of the day it's a lot more fun and less emotionally demanding to know about fake wars and you learn just as much. Wars are bad but all nations engage in them. Oh, and the good guys always win, whereby good guys refers to whoever is writing the history books.

Two of a kind

After asking for an extension on a paper that was due today, I decided it was best to watch some television BEFORE I finished it up. Tuesday is Scrubs night after all. For the last few months I've been spoiled with two episodes of Scrubs per Tuesday night. But this Tuesday NBC decided to slip in their new mid season replacement ironically titled, "Teachers".

Teachers as you might gather is a show about teachers. Teachers doing stuff, like teaching students and competing with other teachers. And every teacher is of course a character. There's a skanky teacher... A bitter teacher... A gay... wierd guy? I don't know. The star of the show is a young optimistic white guy. The only thing the show is lacking is interesting actors with charisma. And jokes, jokes would be good.

I sometimes wonder how these contrived sitcoms get made. Who gets paid to go to a network exec and say, "Let's make a show about Teachers! And we'll call it Teachers!" ??? That's not an idea! That's nothing. How can you just walk down the street, see a certain job and decide to make a show about it.

Coming this Fall on NBC, Accountants!

The Star: "Hello, I'm crazy optimistic accountant! I expected to do something really exciting when I was a kid, like be an astronaught. But now I'm a weary accountant, and though I make a lot of money I feel unsatisfied. Perhaps at some point in the season, my latent optimism will shine through and I'll do something that establishes me as a maverick in my field! Hopefully one day I'll realize being an accountant isn't so bad and I'll find my true love! (see below)"
Co-Star: "I'm crazy Armenian accountant! I'm the wild card on the show, here to tell the precious few funny jokes that the writers may come up with... Or not. Hopefully being an obscure minority is sufficiently funny in and of itself to justify my presence on this show."
Some woman: "I'm crazy skank accountant! I wear short skirts to work, making me a skank by television standards... I'm mostly here to be marginalized."
Some other woman: "I may or may not be the love interest of the Star at some point. I have no personality though sometimes I seem to be jealous of skank accountant."

Then they'll make lame jokes about accounting.

Skanky woman: "I can't find my spreadsheet."
Co-Star: "I think you did enough spreading last night, don't you?!"
Live studio audience: "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!"
Co-Star: "Back in Armenia, we had a name for women like you."
Skanky woman: "What was that?"
Co-Star: "We called them whores!!!!"
Live studio audience: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Me: "This show is NOT funny..." :-(

And of course there would be a black guy. Just like in Teachers. I'm pretty sure the only reason I watched the entire show was because there was 1-3 black guys in it. I like seeing black people on TV and in movies and other things. I appreciate that the media doesn't put us as stereotypes as much. The black guy in Teachers is fairly innocuous. That's good, no? Palmer in 24?? Black president??? REPRESENT!!! Blade is kind of a stereotype, as far as half black guy half vampire guys can be stereotypes.

You know what had a lot of black people in it? The Matrix! I can scarcely remember seeing a trilogy of movies with so many black people that were there for reasons other than just being black. I don't even think they even made any allusions to the fact that the majority of people in Zion were black. You would expect Neo to be unplugged from the Matrix and be all like, "Hey... What's with all the black people?"

I think the most effective integration of black people into a show is as the best friend. Which brings me back to Scrubs. Ah, JD and Turk. Looking at these two who would believe there's racism in the world? There hasn't been such a succesful pairing of a black guy and a white guy since Lenny and Carl. Lando and Han are pretty good super friends too.

You know what I love about black people and white people featured together in shows as best friends? The realism. Jbo and I... Vrej and Levar Burton. Soon, everyone man in the world will be paired up with a man of a different race. By this I mean, a black guy will be paired with a white guy to pose for hilarious pics. It will be like Noah's ark without the pressure of having to repopulate the species. Good times.

Crypto-post

On one of my usual saunters through blogdom, the type that takes place when I have far more productive things to do, I came across a very interesting post. A friend of mine has a blog and it so happens this person is into something called Yaoi. What's Yaoi you might ask? Well, if you're like me you don't want to know, but I'll tell you anyway! Yaoi is essentially a japanese word for gay anime porn. Some would argue that it's not "porn" per se but that's neither here nor there.

What's interesting is that this media has a fan base. A cult if you will. And like every cult, they have their own language and more often than not, if I go to her site, I don't even know what they're talking about. Generally speaking I can get to the point where I understand they're talking about a book or a movie. Then everything is just a blur.

The point of this story is I came across a very peculiar word. The post said something like, such and such a book is good and there's "crypto-gay" in it. I laughed my ass off. For some reason I find that word very funny. Now from what I can gather, when "yaoi" fangirls read something with "crypto-gay" they're pleased. Cuz it's gay and that's what it's really all about.

The kicker is, when I wrote a message asking what cryto-gay was, not only did I not receive an answer, but my friend deleted my message, as if saying crypto-gay in vain was some kind of sin. So, to my yaoi loving friends (My friend who used the word on her site or Droopy now's your chance to come out) if you do know what crypto-gay is, please tell me. I won't judge. I will not however type in a google search to find out what it is for fear that I will get Amish levels of vile pornography on my screen. Now I can only speculate as to what it refers to exactly. It must be pretty harsh if it was improper for me to even ask!

Crypto-gay - The act of having carnal relations with ostriches.

or

Crypto-gay - The act of pleasuring yourself while your dizz is cryogenically frozen.

or

Crypto-gay - Pornography featuring conjoint twins with three breasts in various lewd acts with all kinds of marsupials that are still lactating then they #@%@#$@ right up the @#@#**^%$^$ until it falls off and the resulting secretions create an adhesive that has a taste reminiscent of maple syrup.

My grandmother used to say every folly is a fashion. She was referring to clothing but I think the same thing applies to hobbies. Almost any random association of words has a cult following these days. Mo's site has those guys who come together to make love to little boys. Necrophilliacs have a group. Where does it end? MWLR (Men Who Love Robots). TSA (Turtle sodomizers anonymous). In that light I suppose Yaoi seems tame. But who am I to judge right? Everyone should like what they gotta like! Gay things, people having sex with squids while basting themselves in yoghurt! Whatever.... It's 2006, baby! If I can't keep an open mind in this day and age...

Meanwhilst, I will add the word cryto in front of everything cuz that's how I roll. Today I called Simon a crypto-sexual, several times. Perhaps at some point I'll say Jon's a crypto-maniac. Crypto-gay! Can you believe it?

Matrix-ology

Strangely enough, twice this week people have asked me what scientology is. And quite frankly I really didn't know what they believed in aside from some of Tom Cruises insane rantings. Then lo and behold, this morning on MSN was a brief article describing some of the basics of scientology (sadly I didn't save the link and can't find it now).

For the most part Scientology seems like a cool religion. Man is a spirit and should be cool to one another. Somewhere on their website they talk about the evolution of different faiths and philosophies and they kind of present scientology as the culmination of all of those ideas. Which in and of itself is interesting.

Then all of a sudden, oops! you realize that they believe in aliens and stuff. They believe 75 million years ago, the ruler of the Galactic Confederacy, a dude named Xenu, brought billions of people to earth, placed them near volcanoes and blew them up! With Hydrogen bombs (apparently realizing volcanoes were too slow). They believe that the spirits of these 'sploded human beings cause humanity problems today.

Now like all people I like to keep an open mind about things and feel that I'm accepting of everyone's beliefs yadda yadda yadda... But as someone who's very interested in spirituality and philosophy and a man who's been raised in a Christian family, the incidence of Scientology does raise a lot of questions.

I think when it comes to spirituality the world can be divided in the following way. There's hardcore believers, who blindly do whatever they're told by religious leaders. Then you have people who practice the faith, but are very conservative when they speak about their faith or practice anything that may or may not fall in line with the thinking of the majority. Then you have your skeptics who simply refuse to believe anything that doesn't slap them right in the face. And finally you have people who are beyond skeptical but are actually threatenned by any idea that can't be explained by science and get ornery and uncomfortable if you even mention anything spiritual. And of course, there are the rare people (I've met some) who seem to be genuinely enlightenned and know there is a God because through life experience they have been made to understand a truth that can't be learned from a book or someone telling you.

I think I fall in a gray area that a lot of people do now which is a kind of flaky acknowledgment of the truth of spirituality without any serious commitment or devotion. But I am trying to find a path! I am trying to learn more and more about Christianity and I find the path very rewarding at times.

That said, I'm also very interested in the Matrix. I want that to be my religion so I can run up walls and fly and stuff. For the past 2-3 weeks I have been completely obsessed with everything having to do with the Matrix after watching a documentary that lays out all the philosophy behind the series for you in plain English. I learned a lot. Not to say that the movies were fantastic, but I think the THRILLOGY is jam packed with some ideas, basically rehashed philosophical ideas from thousands of years ago until now. This stuff interests me, I'm a geek. And for some reason I think the Wachowski brothers are geniuses for putting together all these ideas in some cool movies/video games/cartoons.

But above all what's impressive, is people's ability to make money off of ANYTHING! Philosophy isn't really something new, congrats on the Wachowskis for finding a way to make these old ideas lucrative by attaching Kung Fu to it.

Enter Scientology... Xenu, the ruler of the Galactic Confederacy brought billions of humans to earth and blew them up using Hydrogen Bombs??? That's not even a good sci-fi story! And yes, there are hydrogen bombs in that story, but where's the Kung Fu at??? Serious lack of effort there.

And I think at that point it becomes obvious why there are so many skeptics out there when it comes to spirituality. Spirituality is fascinating stuff if you actually study it and try and listen to new ideas critically. But it seems these days that all religions, from Christianity to Scientology have become franchises, each with their own gimmick and somewhere at the top of the ladder is some greedy jerk looking to make a few bucks off of it. I love what they're teaching, but it puts a damper on things to see the hypocrasy present in these institutions. Bush uses Christianity as an excuse to murder people. If you go to the Scientology website you'll see they're selling lots of things. One impression you get is that they're running a business, some kind of self help deal.

It's a shame that something as important as spirituality often reaches us after being tainted by corrupt "teachers"/salespeople. Usually when people say they don't go to church, the first thing they say is, "Oh, why bother going to church? You only see the same hypocrites in there that you see everyday on the streets!" Which is true. Of course the Pastor I listen to on Sunday mornings says, that that is exactly the point of Christianity. A gathering of people who need, and want to be shown a better way to live.

But the feeling is the same. Dissapointment. Deep down inside I've always felt that there was something spiritual about the universe. Maybe ... some kind of ... spirit? I don't know.. As Morpheus from the Matrix said, "You're not sure what it is, but you're always aware of it. Like a splinter in your mind!" The problem is, and I don't think this is something that is unique to me, is when you get dissapointed by the people who are supposed to be observing spiritual beliefs, or you get dissapointed by life and hence God, it becomes a reason to not care about these things anymore.

Good? Bad? As Morpheus says, "There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path." In other words, things happen to us that make us believe or not believe in God but whatever we believe at any given time is part of the path that God has set out for us anyway. So it's all good.

And as Neo said, "I know Kung Fu..."

And isn't that what really matters in the end??

I know I come off as kind of a liberal, wishy washy, kind of guy... But science has done it to me. I believe that no matter what business you're in, the key is to tell a good story. All of these religions are based on stories. People then listen to these stories and decide whether or not they're interesting and whether or not they want to learn more about it and ultimately whether they choose to believe it. A good sci-fi story can be approached in much the same way, (minuse the believing part, though one may argue that there is a kind of truth in fiction when it comes to character psychology). Science is not different. A scientist makes an observation, proposes a model to explain the observation and then people decide whether or not it is true or false. I think learning about any of these three things in a critical manner is beneficial and exciting. Then again I'm a nerd. Live long and prosper suckers!

This one has Oscar Buzz

Long ago, Milen and I were having a conversation about Samuel L. Jackson. I thought he was the most amazing human being on the planet. Milen disagreed. After perusing Sam Jack's filmography he came across a project due to drop this August. The movie is the ironically titled thriller Snakes on a Plane. (SOAP). Most of us know that the movie is ACTUALLY about snakes on a plane. An assassin decides the best way to murder his quarry is to unleash a crateful of snakes onto the plane. A WHOLE CRATEFUL! Most of us probably even know that Samuel L. Jackson threatenned to not do the movie if they dared to change the title.

This discovery was made sometime last October I think? And I told myself, as I told Milen, one day in the not so distant future I'll see the trailer to this and soil my goddamn pants with laughter. That day has come.

http://www.tagworld.com/snakesonaplane

Pants soiled! I couldn't have imagined it being any more perfect than that. Is this possible? I can't believe what my brain is telling me. He's shooting the snakes? There are people screaming as snakes emerge from every nook and cranny... on the plane? Different kinds of snakes??? Coming out of a woman's cleavage??? CGI rattle snakes, coral snakes, adders....??? CGI cobras??? SAMUEL L. JACKSON BEATING PEOPLE WITH SAID SNAKES????? SNAKES ON A PLANE!?!? AN AEREOPLANE??? OH SMEG, WHAT THE SMEGGING SMEG HAVE THEY SMEGGING DONE????

Someone made money for this? Did they just pic random words out of a dictionary? I can do that... Let me do it now... Razor back Ghosts... There.... Again. Sacerdotal-Facelift! Ingenious-Quean! Starring Raquel Welsh as the Ingenious Quean.

At this point it's over for movies. Not only should Samuel L. Jackson retire, movies should retire. The entire industry. This is just too insulting. They're not even going to try anymore? They just...Snakes on a Plane? Snakes are already very misunderstood creatures. This movie is racist against snakes.

My dad has a strong dislike of snakes. There's a story back in the day when we found a snake with orange stripes on its back crawling through the grass. Me, being a 10 year old biologist said, "Reptiles with bright colors are usually poisonous!!" My dad generally doesn't take anything I say seriously, but he wasn't about to take any chances. My dad attacked it with a broom stick. The snake slithered into a little hole next to the wall. "Let me get my CRAZY ass outta here!"

My dad wouldn't let the villain get away that easily. My sisters and I all gathered around the hole and watched in tense wonder as he poured bleach down the hole, hoping to fumigate it out. The snake didn't come out so he poured gasoline down there. The snake still didn't come out. So my dad lit that sumbitch on fire. The snake shoots out of the hole probably wondering, "What the f**k did I do to deserve this sh*t?!" And as a grand finale, my dad takes a broomstick, and with the accuracy of Donatello the Ninja turtle, smashes the thing's head repeatedly. Fatality. It kind of makes you wonder what it's all for? I mean, does a snake have a sense of justice? Does it have a soul, isn't going anywhere after being so unfairly murdered?

Anyway, we then put the snake in a jar and for some reason brought it to the SPCA. It was a family outing we all went wondering what terrible wonders they would tell us about the beast my dad had slain. The hemp wearing hippy at the counter looked from the ravaged corpse to my dad with true disgust. His words were something like, "What did you do this for???" Disdain flashed in his eyes as he handed us back the jar and watched us leave in shame. Not a proud moment for the Gregg Family. HOWEVER, I'm certain that story is far more layered than SOAP will be. I think I should write the screenplay for that snippet of my life. Snake under the Hizzouse.

There's nothing more I can say that hasn't already been said about this movie and the idea of putting Paula Abdul on television. It's ridiculous, random and upsetting.

Regardless I will go see it in the theatre when it comes out in August. I can't wait to see it... Talk about it at length. I want to BE this movie.

Kenny says:
I Chu Chu choose this movie...

***FUN FACTOID!!!*** There's a theory that people have phobias of things like snakes and spiders because back when we were cavemen, we needed a hardwired instinct to deter us from approaching these creatures because being macho, we would attack the puny things and then be injected with their deadly, deadly venom.

Commitment-ophobe

I have only seen 1 season of the hit TV series 24. That was the first season and it was as excellent as people said it was. I was knocking back about 3 episodes a sitting and enjoying every moment of it. After season 1 however, I stopped watching. There came a point where I fell so far behind, it became overwhelming to even think about catching up. I considered just jumping on the bandwagon this season but Droopy forbid it! Far be it from me to dispute the man.

But I feel somewhat ostracized from a large part of the world by missing the show. The most interesting phenomenon is watching the list of people on MSN on Monday night. By 8pm the MSN names already begin to change as people anticipate one of several airings of the show. They range from innocuous MSN handles like, "Vrej-Watching 24 (away)". The assumptions here being 1) People need to know what droopy is up to for every minute of the night 2) They really care that it says "away" next to his name and he won't be bothered several times for the evening 3) We don't realize that the distance between his computer and his television is about 5-8 feet and he is not even remotely away from his computer. I would be surprised if he wasn't straddling the tower and using his DVD burner as a cup holder while watching the show.

The names get slightly more fanatical. Names like, "ranma 1 1/2 - 24 is SICK!! OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!" or "Milen-I'm not gay, but sometimes when I see Jack Bauer, I wish I was." Then you have people who deliberately ruin the show by making the climax of the show their MSN handle "Amish- Nina's back???" :-o

I want so badly to be a part of it all. My msn name would be "MastaCSG- 24 is so good I have a MASSIVE erection now (away)". When I listen to conversations about 24 I feel like I'm from another planet. People talk about it likes its real. "That's why they had to bring back Palmer last season! The current president wasn't as competent!"

Current... prez?

The good news is I can piece together information about the show from the MSN handles. I'm like some kind of anthropologist finding clues about some ancient civilization. The bad news is ultimately I will forever be excluded from the world of 24 no matter how much I try to catch up.

You know what the problem is? Shows nowadays require too much commitment. 24 is 1-2 hours a week of commitment! This scares me. The only shows I make it a point to watch every week are Scrubs and the Office. A nice quick laugh, half an hour commitment and if I don't feel like watching it one week it's no problem. I won't be lost the following week. Like a one night stand.

It's not like there's much to watch these days anyway. All good shows with the exception of 24 are provided to me by Droopy and other benefactors. Otherwise I stumble on some odd stuff. I found myself enthralled by Sabrina the Teenage Witch again last week. YOu know what I love about that show? The realism... Last week she went to some place called the pleasure dome to escape reality. Wouldn't we all like a little escape from reality? I think so. They put some thought into it too. That talking cat, Salem? Do you know his story? He was turned into a cat because as a witch he tried to take over the world. That shows creativity. I like.

Every now and then I find myself watching a kids show called Lazy Town in the morning. This show my friends, is very, very, very.... very... good. It's about all these freaking puppets and they live in a place called lazy town. And there's this guy with a moustache who lives in a dirgible (He LIVES in a freaking Dirgible!) and he comes down to teach them things about being active and stuff. He's also kind of a super hero. The people of Lazy Town are idiots and they're always falling out trees and stuff and he has to come to their rescue. And there's a also a villain who's really lazy and sets a bad example for the people of lazy town by being lazy. Sometimes sabotages their harmless projects. For example, if there's a dance competition, he'll try and screw it up! Cuz he's a jerk!

The irony of me watching Lazy Town is that it comes on before I'm supposed to go to work and I know damn well if I turn it on, I'll miss my bus as much as I tell myself I'll turn it off at 10 minutes to 9. Lazy Town, I wish I knew how to quit you!

And hey, if I choose not to watch Lazy Town for weeks at a time, I can still turn it on one morning and be up to speed!

Happy International X-day Awareness Month!!

Did you know that March 8th is Women's day? International Women's day no less! I found out today during an interesting exchange with a co-worker. Apparently in some country they get gifts for this.

Co-worker: Did you know today is international women's day? Back in my home country we get gifts and don't work for the day!!
Me: Really??? Why don't you celebrate by making me a samich, woman!?!

SLAP!!!

I was talking to a dude I know and he said he should buy his mom something for Women's day. Isn't that what Mother's day is for? And Mom's birthday? And Christmas?? I mean for crying out loud, can I go through one week without buying someone a gift? What if this international women's day thing catches on? I'll be screwed. Everyone with their birthdays and their Xmas and their cot-tanged Mother's day, Father's day...

Everyone's trying to dip into my pockets! It wouldn't be so bad if it was just a gift, but having just recovered from Christmas I feel slightly shell-shocked. You know what really bothers me about Christmas? Wrapping paper. I'd love to travel back in time and shake hands with the psychotic genius who decided that gifts, as expensive as they are needed to be wrapped in paper, a dwindling resource, something we spend a great amount of effort trying to recycle; Charging good money, for something that exists simply to be discarded! That's a true sign of a wealthy society I think. And don't get me started on greeting cards. Is it just me or have cards become less clever and more expensive? Where my dawgs at on that one?

"Happy Birthday, Bro!" Open the card up, "I hope you get a naked lady and/or some beer or something! HAHAHA!" 5.80$ US

or

"Look, I'm a goddamn dog!!! Maybe I'm surprised or confused..." open the card "Happy Birthday!" 8.50$ US

or the most brilliant, "I'm a frightenned cat" open the card, "You're how old?" 9.45$ US

Then I think to myself, black history month just passed. I didn't get s**t! I think it's time to start commercializing Black History Month. Create some kind of scam where all non-blacks have to buy things and treat their black friends. And I want our gifts to be wrapped in aluminum foil, just because it's expensive. And hell, since the Queen of England stole the biggest diamond in the world from Africa and put it in her scepter just to add insult to injury, I say the traditional gift for black people during black history month should be a diamond, diamond related or encrusted with diamonds.

Imagine the obnoxious greeting cards for that? All the racist things that white people tell me on a daily basis anyway, in card form! "Hey, when we heard you were black we knew we had to get you something!" open the card, "Fried Chicken and/or watermelon! Cuz you're black! And we're idiots! HAHAHAHA!" 11.50$ US.

or

"It's black history month, so we thought we'd take the opportunity to call you the n-word!" open the card, "You're Nice!(with hearts all around) *in small print* what did you think we were going to call you? HAHAHA!" 12.50$ US.

And so forth for all 28 days of February.

Furthermore Black History Month should be moved to July which has 31 warm days and no snow! We're not physically adapted to cold, putting Black History Month in February is more racist than not having a Black History Month at all!

Invigilators and Cyborg Dictatorships

Today was the first time I've invigilated an exam. It's a pretty ridiculous position actually. I just stood there for the most part looking bad ass. Every now and then a student would raise there head and I would make obnoxious gestures. An hour and a half well wasted. At the end of it all some dumbass runs up and says, "I filled my scantron sheet in with pen!"

:-o

Good move, Starr! You're sick! Am I to believe he's gone through all this schooling and a semester of university and he's never used scantron before? Am I to believe he's never been told only number 2 pencils work on these things? Is he deaf, did he not hear the teacher repeatedly say to use pencil? Is he blind??? Did he not read the instructions??? And why did he seem to figure out something was wrong at the very last second? WTF???

That was interesting. But what struck me most during this whole thing was the t-shirts one of the girls was wearing. The T-shirt said, "Trust me, I'm a virgin!" I've never been so baffled by a piece of clothing. What am I supposed to think about this girl? Is the shirt being sarcastic? It was all written in cutesy letters too. I don't know anymore. Maybe I'm out of touch, but this new fad of women's t-shirts with slutty slogans on it blows my mind.

I really need to understand what it is that girls are expecting when they wear clothes with slogans like, "Super Bitch!" and "Lil' skank!" and so forth. Am I supposed to have mad respect that they have the confidence to advertise their personality disorders and loose morals? Cuz the girl wasn't really that hot and her sex life may have been the furthest thing from my mind if not for that shirt. But the question is, is she easy? If you wear such a shirt can I just approach you for intimate relations? I find it far more acceptable to dress in revealing clothes and leave some doubt in our minds. "Maybe she's just comfortable!" And at least we get some eye candy. But give me more than, "I'm easy." Written in goofy letters.

I tell you, if ever have a daughter and catch her wearing such things I will be a total tyrant about it!! "What the hell are you wearing? I'm a 16 year old whore?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She'll be off to an all girls school immediately.

I yearn for the day when some megalomaniac decides to take over the world and put an end to this freedom of speech nonsense. Sure we have freedom of speech. Look what we do with it? No one has anything to say anyway.

Some slutty 17 year old: I'm a slut!
Me: Good for you! Child labourers earned 0.001 cent so you could wear that shirt and then went to whore themselves in the streets so they wouldn't starve to death. What do you have to say about that? Grow up, get some perspective on life for Christ's sakes!
Then I'd smack her on the ass, tweek her nipples and storm out of there hoping to find a woman with some class. ***SMACK'D!!!*** ***TWEEk'd!!!*** "Quest-ce que c'est???"

What we need is some kind of non-bias machine to govern us. There's this game I love called Deus-Ex which is based on the premise that the only perfect government would be one run by a machine. Naturally in the game it didn't work out so well. For some reason the gov't program escaped into the internet, joined up with another program and was downloaded by a megalomaniac who took control of all the machines on earth. Or something... Cool game...

Yeah... Cyborg governments... And slutty girls... I dont' know what my issue is really. Is it this cutesy spin they put on sluttiness I don't like? Is it the idea of non-hot women trying to get attention? I check out girls in revealing clothing on occasion. I don't think it's a sin. And I think women should be able to wear whatever they want. But only if they're good looking. So maybe that's my problem.

No, I know what bothers me. It's the fact that the same women who are soo skanky accuse guys of being perverts for staring at them. Go to hi5.com. There are half naked women there who say their pet peeve is perverted guys! Do they mean, perverted guys or human guys? Button up and guys won't stare at you in the same way. I know pretty girls who can do more for me with one raised eyebrow than if they shed all of their garments! I'm just confused that's all! I don't know what to think anymore!!! I don't think any girl likes being thought of as a slut, so why dress as a slut?

Lab Tales part 6 - Thought provoking conversations

Talking in the lab today I wondered to myself if just putting a hidden camera or would yield some kind of interesting reality television. Sometimes in the heat of a conversation it's not obvious how absurd it sounds. But sometimes I stop to listen.

The first thing I noticed was everyone in our lab is completely deaf. To the point where everyone is just saying, "What? Huh?" It's ridiculous. Like Dave Chapelle's Little John sketch. "WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT??.... WHAT??? ookAAAYYYYYYY!!!" You end up repeating things that really don't need repeating.

Me (burning myself on the bunsen burner): "OW!"
Lab guy: "What?"
Me: "I said ow!!!"
Lab guy: "I can't hear you!"
Me: "Nevermind."
Lab guy: "No, tell me what is it?"
Me: "I said OW!!! It's a verbal expression of pain! OW!! I burned myself, you idiot!"
Lab guy:" .... "
Me: "...."
Lab guy (scratches himself): "...."
Me: "...."
Lab guy: "WHAT?"

or

Me: "I know the theme song to the old Spider-man cartoon by heart."
Lab guy: "What? Spider-man is Italian?"

I also noticed a tendency for all of us to get very defensive for no reason.

Lab guy 1: "I think you're a filthy swine! Which is ironic because you're jewish and therefore cannot eat swine!"
Lab guy 2 (offended): "Wait a minute... did you just call me... Inedible?"

And then of course there's just straight up profanity for its own sake.

Lab guy: "What's this on my cereal?"
Me: "I'll give you a hint... It's semen. My semen! I'm a serial rapist."

Get it? Serial rapist? Cereal rape? It's funny cuz there's semen on the cereal. Bah, what know you for funny!? Anyway, thought you enjoyed this page from the life of me. Don't ask me how these exchanges get started... One day I should really bring some kind of tape recorder to the lab.

Calling black people Ni**az, that's so necessary!! Using stars for the G's, that's so necessary!!! Being rude and offensive? Is that necessary?

This is going to be a long post, sorry Amish. But I think this is one of the funniest things I've seen in my life.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/nword.html

This is simply the most amazing white guy ever. Not only does he have the balls to call one of his students the n-word, but in his defense, he draws up a little diagram showing us why he didn't think he was offending anyone. I'm still laughing now at him saying, "I even add the H at the end, to emphasize the AAAAAHHHH!!! Niggaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!"

So cencorship is a really big deal these days. Most of you probably heard that a group of Muslims have engaged in violent protest in response to the publication of a cartoon depicting Mohammad wearing a bomb shaped like a turban (or something ridiculous like that). This is obviously offensive, not only becuase of the deeply prejudice undertones of the remark but also because it is a violation of Islamic law to depict Mohammad in any way.

Now I think the big problem here (besides the violence of the protests), is the stubborness of people when it comes to making viciously prejudiced comments. No one wants to just pretend they're not racist anymore and apologize and let that be the end of it. No, people become very arrogant these days and angry. Instead of apologizing, they'll hide behind this idea of "freedom of speech."

I heard an interview on Global recently where a journalist insisted that the cartoon be RE-PULBISHED in a Canadian journal despite the fact that it was offensive to Muslims. Something about this guy was so indignant that you get the impression he doesn't want to republish the offensive cartoon despite the fact that it was insulting, but rather BECAUSE it was insulting. The attitude nowadays is, "How dare someone tell me not to offend someone? It's my right!"

And so it is. Unless of course you're a rapper like 50 cent. 50 cent, as you all know was shot 9 times. He grew up "in the ghetto" meaning he suffered a very difficult life with crime and drugs and gun related violence. The problem is, when he raps about it, people do censor him. They banned a poster of him holding a baby and a gun. They tried to prevent him from entering Canada. We can glorify movies like Scarface and disgustingly violent movies by Quentin Tarantino but when it comes to black people and guns, it seems freedom of speech isn't so appealing. I still haven't seen the poster!!

What's so amazing about this phenomenon is that 50 Cent is actually rapping about his life. He's actually been shot! If anyone should have the right to feature violence in their art it's him. I think rap music is the most misunderstood art form in the world. Whites and even older black people are always trying to say it promotes the use of drugs and violence. If you listen to (good) rap music you'll realize it's just telling a story about people who are angry at being a lower class. They tell stories about their difficult life which invariably includes drug dealing and violence. I think these are important stories that should be told.

I find these days there are fewer advocates for the freedom of speech of minorities and an increasing number of advocates for the freedom of speech of racists. I find often times family guy really pushes it with some of their humor but too bad for me! If I'm offended by something, I'll just have to take it! Though I would very much like to see the poster with 50 cent holding a gun and a baby. I think that would be phat.

Now as a black guy who knows lots of non-black people, I think I've seen the evolution of racism to an overtly hostile tool of oppression, to a more insidious, subtle monster that people wear passive-aggressively. I've been called the n-word many times throughout my life. It's always done in a way that's almost a test. Like people will open with it to try and surprise me.

"What's up Ni**ah?!"
Me: "Uh... Hello?"

And I just don't know what to say. On one level, I feel I should say something because most black people seemed to have reached a concensus that the n-word is a bad thing for non-black people to say. This is something I understand because obviously it's been used in the past and is still used as something to denigrate(what's the root word of the word denigrate?) black people. On the other hand I'm not offended because I know often times it's not said to offend. The n-word is addictive. Sometimes I just want to let loose and say the N-word all day long. I blame Dave Chappelle for this. Since his show became popular I've been called the N-word twice as much in my life than ever before. All in joke of course.

I imagine it must be hard for non-blacks not to use the word. I can imagine being a white guy watching this sketch and just bursting at the seams wanting to say it so badly. Once upon a time people would curb this urge. Now, it seems the urge is impossible to resist. Look at the teacher in the link above. He doesn't sound like he really wanted to offend the black guy. It sounds like he just wanted to use the word. He was desperate to use it. He can't stop talking about the word, the sound of it, the use of it. He even says, "I'm cured of this.... Niggah... Niggah this...Niggah Please! Can you lend a Niggah a pencil!?! I will never use any form of (demonstrates his drawing of the word nigger and nigga) NIGGAH! Ever again!!!"

He doesn't sound cured. He sounds addicted!!! It's hilarious. He couldn't stop saying it.

I wonder to myself if maybe all white people feel this way. A yearning to use the word Niggah. In my heart of hearts I feel they shouldn't but I also know that lots of my white and non-black friends are like a kettle that's been plugged up and is about to explode. It doesnt' help when us black people rub it in others faces and use it profusely in our music, our humour and yes our blogs. Now that Dave Chappelle is rich he decided to say on the Oprah Winfrey show that some of his skits maybe irresponsible when racist people take them out of context. Much like rap music. Should black people censor themselves too? I mean... Poor Jbo... I see the pain on his face when he's trying to discuss Dave Chapelle with me.

Jbo: "Have you seen the sketch? The ... ummm... Negro family? Can I say negro?"
Me: "Ummm... I dont' know..."

Maybe there should be one day a year put aside for people to use the word niggah, nigger whatever they want all day without any consequences. Just so everyone can get it out of their system.

Eric Brosseau: "Hey Niggah, can I borrow a pencil?"
Mike Tyson grudgingly passes over the pencil.
Eric Brosseau: "This pencil isn't sharp, Niggah! Sharpen this s**t you big black ni**ah!!!"
Mike Tyson trembling with rage, sharpens the pencil and hands it back
Eric Brosseau: "That's right. So you want to go to lunch or something, Ni**ah?"
Mike Tyson: "I hate n-word day. I want to eat its children." :-(

I dont' know. Yeah, it's just a word, yeah it's just a cartoon, but if it offends people, why not just not use it? I'm especially surprised when someone says something really racist, then claims they're not racist they were only joking. In reality everyone involved in the joke knows how offensive it was but it's said anyway. Why? Is the joke that important?

I think the fact that people get so offended they are attacked for saying or doing something really racist is because deep down inside they know they do have racist tendencies and somehow feel justified when they blatantly insult someone. Maybe it's just natural. But if everyone's racist deep down inside then the problem isn't a lack of cencorship but a lack of understanding of one another. Or maybe it's just natural to be prejudice. Beneath all the fake smiles, there are people who deeply resent diversity. In which case things will probably get worse before they get better, resulting in an all out race war!!! All the colors of the rainbow battling it out for supreme rulership of the earth!!

Which brings us back to freedom of speech. In the wrong hands it can be deadly. I wouldn't mind the word nigger, if I didn't think that there are many, many people in the world who are very, very racist. But there is racism in the world. Montreal is forever getting warnings from the UN for brutality against blacks. Blacks are still having trouble getting high level jobs and are still stereotyped as being criminals and drug dealers etc, even honor students like the guy in the news story I linked. I don't think using derogatory words really helps the situation. So next time you get the urge, just don't call us niggers. It would be greatly appreciated.

A little cartoon has caused so many bad feelings. But I think if the Islamic community had just let it slide things could have been worse. Let's not forget in the last century there was propaganda that illustrated black people as apes and jewish people as rats. If we have free speech, should we allow these images to be portrayed in the media? Where do we draw the line?

Anyway, props to Jenn for sending me the link and thanks to Tony for pointing out the teacher looks like Ned Flanders. That would make an awesome Simpsons episode, "Flanders uses the N-Word."

Orange you glad you didn't watch the Grammys?

There's something very relaxing about living alone. For some reason I wanted to eat an orange. It doesn't seem like something you should eat at night, so I was pleased at myself for being so edgy and extreme. Anyway, before orange eating I was reminded by Vrej that the Grammy's were on. He expressed feelings that he was superior to the entire concept of the Grammys and I was hard pressed to argue with him.

At this point my plans for the evening were to watch the Grammys while eating an orange. I spoke to Janine and confided my plans to her. She likewise seemed to feel she was better than the Grammys and was not impressed that I was going to watch.

One of the first things I saw was Mariah Carrey's performance. The chubby "diva" comes on stage with too much cleavage as usual and was singing some kind of gospel song. You know, she's not a horrible performer, but I find she's not hot enough. And somehow I always felt it was wrong to sing praises to God while being dressed like a skank. I can just imagine God looking down from heaven right down her dress and being not too impressed. "Why did I make this woman skanky AND fat?" Then as a final slap in the face, God has to watch as the walls behind Mariah Carrey open and a Gospel choir "takes us home" with an inspirational hook. Gospel; meaning good news... The good news is, when they bust out the choir, it means the song is almost over!

Teri Hatcher and Michael Buble come on stage. Lathspel I name them! Teri Hatcher says, "Wow, after Mariah's performance I feel like I've been saved... or something." I was lying on the couch all by myself with orange peels in the bowl in front of me and I told Teri Hatcher to "Shut the f**k up!" I actually swore! All by myself like some kind of crazy person I cursed at the television.

Then they were presenting an award in some category that I can't remember. Anyway, they had nuff contemptible female artists. What category is so loathesome that the nominees are Gwen Stefani, Mariah Carrey, Ciara and Missy Elliot and some girl who's name I can't remember. "And the winner of the most offensive female media personality is... SOME WOMAN WHO'S NAME I FORGET!!!" (Mandy Moore? I really forget). She gave a very annoying acceptance speech.

Jay-Z and Linkin Park won an award. When the Linkin Park guy was done thanking people he offered the mic up to Jay-Z. Now this was strange. Jay-Z simply declined speaking. As if he really had nothing to say to the collective scum who had gathered to give him an award.

Then there was the usual Grammy dealy where they put a rapper together with some old white guy. This year featured Paul McArtney and Jay-Z. Wow! It was a tribute to something. I don't remember what exactly. It could have been a tribute to Jbo's blog for all I know. They sang the Linkin Park/Jay-Z song and a Beatle's song.

But what the heck! Seeing a white guy and a black guy butchering a song together... It almost makes you forget that there's racism in the world. Very positive stuff. Speaking of forgetting, do people forget how to sing when they're on the Grammys? Paul McArtney's voice sounded terrible and so did Ciara's. But at least what Ciara lacks in talent she makes up for in hotness. What does Paul have? No street cred, no stage presence. He said something like, "I've never done the Grammys before. So I'd like to rock a bit... I'd like to rock a bit... NOW!!!"

:-o

????

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Why just a bit? Does he know that's all I could stomach.

This was Paul's chance to say something. He's getting on in years and his opportunities to speak on stage will become fewer and fewer. If I was him I'd say something really shocking. "F**K YOU GRAMMYS!!! I HATE YOU ALL! NONE OF YOU IDIOTS HAS ANY TALENT!! AND NEITHER DO I!!!" *drops the mic, grabs his nuts and storms off*

I'd say it's also an opportunity for God to make his presenece felt. With all these simpletons thanking him, after they're singing about doing drugs and being materialistic sinners he should do something really cool. I know if I were God, sitting up in heaven staring down Mariah's dress I'd patiently wait for her to hit one of those high notes that peels the linoleum right off your kitchen floor. And just as that happens I'd make a swarm of locusts erupt from her cleavage. 1000 locusts for every person present. And they'd carry off Gwen Stefani and her Japanese entourage, dropping them into the pacific ocean to be consumed by sharks. The locusts would then proceed to eat everyone else, leaving behind Stevie Wonder, Steve Tyler and a few other select cool people. Maybe Common.

Who's responsible for the Grammys anyway? What's up with award shows? People with money arbitrarily decide to start doling out awards. I mean, they gave a lifetime achievement award to Richard Pryor. I love Richard Pryor but, he's not a musician. How can they just decide that they're good enough to send props to him in the afterlife? And what could be more subjective than music? You have Gwen Stefani in a category with U2, Kanye West and Paul Mcartney for best album???

AND!!! Why does it seem like they segregate everyone in the auditorium? Bono's sitting right behind Paul McArtney, he has to walk all the way over to black people land to give Kanye West props??? This sounds racist.

I think I'm getting old and angry. Even the commercials made me upset. I hate the commercial with Jessica Simpson and the pizza poppers. Where she sings... Then Queen Latifah's voice can be heard saying, "Pizza is good!" Then Kermitt the Frog and Miss Piggy are there for some reason??? AAACH!!! I'm getting real tired of this garbage. Grammys. Exploitation of muppets by Jessica Simpsons. Exploitation of Japanese women by Gwen Stefani. The world is so wrong.

In summary, Grammy awards this year, barely rivals Folies at Centennial High. Vrej and Janine... You are both better than the Grammys. (Christina Aguilera is also better than the Grammys she did a really nice number with a jazz musician. I'm sorry she gets lumped together with other pop scum. She has talent and potential. I'm sure some other people are better than the Grammys too but I didnt' see them.)