Gregg Factor

Movie Title

2010-09-15T19:02:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or have the titles to movies become increasingly simplistic? These days movies go for the simplest, 1 word title that would best describe the movie. There is no irony, they're never tongue in cheek. In the near future we have a movie coming out called 'Buried', about a guy who is buried. There's 'Faster' starring the Rock. I imagine the Rock does stuff faster than one normally would. At least there must be some kind of acceleration in the film. Just now I saw the trailer for 'Devil'. I think it's about Rosie Odonnel. And remember Phone Booth? About a guy in a phone booth, being held hostage?

I wonder if they come up with the story first, or just a title. We tried it the other day at lunch. The movie is called 'Kayak.' The trailer would be a guy kayaking and then a cell phone would ring. Anthony Hopkins would be on the other end. "Tyler, if you would look underneath the blanket in your kayak..." And then the guy, (Sam Worthington I guess) would look under the blanket and find a bomb. Anthony Hopkins would then explain, "If you stop paddling, then the Kayak will explode... Also, the Kayak is heading toward a waterfall."

This summer...in theatres... kayking... is.... very dangerous...

Then Sam Worthington would cry out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" and Anthony Hopkins would say, "Just keep paddling for now..."

The ending is obvious. Anthony Hopkins wants revenge on Sam Worthington because as a child, Hopkins was sexually abused by Worthington's dad who was a catholic priest.

Rated R for nudity, coarse language and a troubling scene featuring a grizzly bear.

Master Chef

2010-09-08T18:58:00.001-07:00

I don't often turn on the television and watch whatever's on, but I just finished watching Master Chef. I didn't think I could ever enjoy watching a compettitive, cooking reality show, but it was freaking tense. I'm not a particularly ambitious person, so to see people excelling at anything is awesome to me. I love food, I even like cooking, but I can't imagine putting the time and effort that these people have invested into their craft, to be an excellent chef.

There are people crying and freaking out. "Ooooh snap!!! Did he just put salt on a soufflee???" Yes... he did. And I'm wondering... Is that bad?

I'm told Gordon Ramsay is... someone I should know. Watching the show he's the cooking world's answer to Simon Cowell, an obnoxious, mercurial Brit who doesn't hesitate to make people feel like garbage for dramatic effect. One of the other judges on the show simply said of a dish, "This is bad..... It's bad as a dessert.... It would be bad as breakfast." Then he threw his fork down with no small measure of contempt.

OUCH! But i was hooked from that moment on. It's fun to live in a world where everyone has different passions. I mean, no matter how many hours, how many years you put into becoming the ultimate chef, the product is so transient. If there's one thing the perfect soufflee and a Big Mac have in common, it's that after they're eaten, their destiny is the toilet. A reeking, brown log riding waves of sewage until the end of time... Or at least until a rat eats it. Is it just me, or can I be just as happy after eating a Big Mac trio for 8$, as I could eating a 100$ carefully prepared masterpiece? Not to say I don't like eating fancy from time to time... It's just one of those oddities of our culture. There are people in this world paid to harshly judge how carefully ingredients are put together on a few ounces of food, and other people who would be lucky to eat that amount of food in a week. Just a thought.

Rice, potatoes and homos

2010-03-30T17:30:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday was fun. On my way to lunch I smelled gas. Apparently, while building the foundation for the new Genomics Center at Concordia, the construction workers hit a gas line. It smelled a lot like the gas used to light our Bunsen burners meaning it was potentially explosive gas. A fleet of fire trucks and a few cop cars showed up and soon the entire school was closed off! With my laptop and all my work stuck inside!

It was a gift... Like a snow day when you're a kid... Or when you're digging through trash and find a hot dog that's only half eaten. There's nothing like an impromptu day off. So Hayline and I went to a lebanese restaurant called Amir. I giggled to myself and pointed out the menu to Hayline. "Look Hayline! They serve Rice, Potatoes and Homos with every combo!" (Riz, Patates et Homos). Clearly someone tried to translate humus into french and in a fortuitous turn of events forgot the 'u'.

Me: "I'll have a mixed plate."
Lebanese guy: "Would you like some homos with that???"
Me: "No, thank you."
Lebanese guy: "There's nothing like the taste of homos in your mouth!"
Me: "No, I'm good."
Lebanese guy: "Don't be a homosphobe!! It's a delicious, creamy treat in the mouth!!!"

Then I secretly go off and dip all my food in delicious homos sauce, "I wish I knew how to quit you, Homos..."

What's really funny is... who puts hummus on the menu? Isn't that like putting ketchup or mustard? Besides, they didn't mention that the combo also comes with garlic sauce. It's almost as if putting Homos all over the menus was deliberate.

Speaking of Homos, I got a chance to flick through the channels watching daytime television. Has anyone seen the show Chris and Steve? It's a talk show featuring two gay guys. The hilight of that was after examining which flowers are most conducive to feng sui in the house, the pair (at this point wearing matching aprons with their names on it) were decorating a piece of wall with some kind of lacker. Gingerly holding their tools, one of them messed up the project, and ran off with his hands on his hips, pouting and whining like a child with a stereotypical lisp. Hayline then asked, "How do you know they're gay?" I don't know, just a hunch.

We then watched the brilliant show, "Community", where the Black guy confirmed my suspicion which is that Black people are allowed to be homophobic. (Nuff Respek, Isaiah Washington!)

Anyway, keep up the good work Concordia Construction workers. We have a four day weekend coming up, care to make it 5? Just don't light any matches near the next "accident".

Apologies that appall (A word about Woods)

2010-02-21T15:07:00.000-08:00

I'm not always up to date on the news, but what qualifies as news is often outrageous. I refer particularly to celebrities apologizing for some horrendous thing that they've done. In the last few years Michael Richards, Mel Gibson and Isaiah Washington have all had to go on national television and explain why they used offensive language. But with the exception of Michael Richards, these offenses were done in private, why should they have to apologize to the world? Also, what possible sincerity could be in such an apology for people who's career seems to be on the line. I mean, what they do in public is worth millions of dollars to them, of course they'd apologize!

Which brings me to Tiger Woods. Why in the world does he have to make a public statement to me because he cheated on his wife? Why does the entire world have to get in on this circus? What bothers me more than anything is the hypocrisy of it all. The western world is hardly a country that values fidelity in marriage. At least not enough to justify this outlash against Tiger.

Surely you've all have heard of Ashley Madison, the online dating service for people looking to have an affair. Their slogan is, "Life is short, have an affair!" There are allegedly 5.3 million users on that site. Most surveys you read will say that 22% of people admit to being unfaithful to their current partner and about 50% will admit to having been unfaithful at some point in their life. That means that among the people who have an opinion about Tiger Woods, possibly half of them have already cheated on someone, they just had the luxury of dealing with it in private.

So what makes Tiger Woods, a golfer, subject to such a severe backlash? Many people have suggested racism may play a role. Seems too simple to me. Bill Cosby and Michael Jordan come to mind as Black people who seemed to fly under the radar during their affairs. Hugh Grant, Bill Clinton, they all had some media attention while involved in gross affairs. Is it because Tiger Woods is a Black man with a white wife? Is it because the women he cheated with were ugly? Or is it all of that, combined with the fact that he gets paid billions of dollars to play golf all day? That would certainly make a racist angry, wouldn't it?

Maybe he owes his friends and family an apology. Certainly his wife and kids. Maybe if he were a pastor? But a golfer? Tiger Woods said in his public statement, "I thought I could get away with it! I'm rich!" This sadly is the most reasonable thing he could have said! It's the most honest thing he could have said, and all things being equal, he probably should have "gotten away with it."

Don't get me wrong, in my opinion, infidelity is one of the most despicable things someone can be involved in. But it's not that that dissapoints me about Tiger. It's seeing him go up there with his tail between his legs as if he has to answer to the world for doing something that the world seems to be okay with. This was Tiger's chance to really do something great. The man has billions of dollars, you know what I say? Hold your press conference, go up to that podium, take a few steps left, pull down your pants and invite the entire planet to kiss your big, black, billionaire backside! (Ten dollars a smooch, 1 cheek per person, no tongue please.) Let he who is without sin, give said backside a swift kick but clearly very few people in the world would qualify for that. So I say pucker up!

White Chocolate Brownies

2009-11-18T19:27:00.000-08:00

I was calling a friend racist as I often do. I think it was justified this time. She was comparing me to Sebastien the crab from the little Mermaid. Anyway, it lead us to ponder an inconsistency in the English language that I think is worth sharing. The conversation went like this:

DoctaC$G says:

and you're RACIST!!!

says:

speaking of that

i was considering making white chocolate brownies

think that's possible?!

i love white chocolate

DoctaC$G says:

Why white chocolate?

leave it to the man to take delicious chocolate and turn it white.

says:

its sweeter

DoctaC$G says:

anyway, it's possible, I think I've had it before.

says:

do you remember it being good?

DoctaC$G says:

I think I found it too sweet.

and of course at that point they're not brownies.

they're whities.

says:

LOOOOOL

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I wonder... Should white chocolate even be called chocolate anymore? Couldn't they just think of another name for that particular candy? You know that white chocolate only has to be 20% cocoa butter to be sold as chocolate? Doesn't sound like chocolate to me... Here I was going to make a joke like, "that's about as chocolate as Nicole Richie!" Or... "Lionel Richie!" But I decided that would be in poor taste as I am a fan of Lionel Richie and relatively neutral about Nicole. Did you know that grown Iraqi men weep at the mere mention of Lionel Richie's name? Yes, he's very popular in the Middle East.

But I digress... And by that I mean, I should be working instead of putzing around online. L8ter haters!

P90X

2009-08-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

I've been pretty lazy the last year or so. I often fall asleep on the couch and wake up at odd hours, sleeping badly and then being tired throughout the next day. But just now I woke up to this infomercial for P90X, easily the best infomercial I've seen after that guy who cuts through a wall with his kitchen knives.

It's not a video workout. It's an extreme home fitness revolution that uses techniques of muscle confusion to get YOU absolutely ripped in just 90 days. As I write this an ALERT appears on the screen telling me that I can get a free pro-grade resistance band if I order in the next five minutes... I've never been so overwhelmed by a commercial before. I just wake up and you have that stony voice growling at you... "YOU CAN GET ABSOLUTELY RIPPED IN ONLY 90 DAYS ALL YOU NEED IS SOME DUMBELLS, A CHIN UP BAR AND A PRO-GRADE RESISTANCE BAND IF YOU ORDER IN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES." I am compelled to do exactly what the man says. It was the most effective infomercial I have ever seen in my life.

If you go to the website you'll see that the XPERTS (including motivational the Master of Motivation behind P90X, Tony Horton) teach you such workouts that include PLYOMETRICS!!! YOGA X!!! KENPO X !!! AB RIPPER X!!! and even X STRETCH!!! WHAT THE HECK IS KENPO X????? WOOOOOAAAAAAAH!!!!! Maybe it's just late, and maybe I'm just tired... But I want all of this hardcore extremeness to be part of my life TODAY.... X! I want music like this ringing in my brain for the rest of my life!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZciY7ymPmU

When I walk into the lab, I want this music to play the moment the door opens. Not even from a stereo or anything, it will just be God turning on some kind of divine soundtrack that follows me around wherever I go. I want my co-workers to say, "Chris!!! I can't hear myself think!!! you're too hardcore and extreme!!!" As I pipette 10 microleters of HF buffer into a PCR tube.

I'm going to go from Tim Horton to Tony Horton in just 90 days!!! P90x MOTHA #t%!@!!!

Then I imagine as my motivation wanes, I'll go from Tony Horton back to Horton Hears a Who. :-( Exercise is such a drag. I'll think about it tomorrow though. Where am I going to put a chin-up bar in my apartment?? Bah... The rush has worn off... Thank you for being a part of my short lived dreams of becoming absolutely ripped.

*yawn*

Dichloromethane-Man, Dichloromethane-Man, does what ever Dichloromethane can

2009-07-27T13:24:00.000-07:00

I do complain about Concordia from time to time. But we've had good times and bad times. Among the good times, is a recent experience I had in the lab. I was working with a chemical called dichloromethane, a toxic organic compound that is highly volatile. The liquid was in a bottle with a strange pump fastenned to the top. When I figured out how it worked, I was so excited I didn't realize there was a rubber cap blocking the spout. I forced down the plunger and was splashed with dichloromethane.

I may have gotten a drop on my hand. DCM, is so volatile it evaporates in seconds. I kept my cool, and looked up the safety information online. It attacks the central nervous system. That just happens to be my favourite nervous system. The MSDS (safety info) says in case you get some on your skin, you should rinse for 10 minutes with soap and water. I did that, but still wondered about my precious entral nervous system. Would the freak lab accident enhance my central nervous system to super-hero esque levels, giving me psychic powers?? Or would my IQ dwindle to the level of slack-jawed yokel??

I began to rant and rave as I often do, when someone suggested I call Info-Sante, perhaps hoping I would fret to them for a while. Sadly, I forgot to dial "9" for outgoing calls and I ended up getting in touch with a frenetic woman who worked at some kind of Concordia Emergency line. I excused myself, telling her it wasn't my intention to call her. Nevertheless, she asked me what hapenned. I made the mistake of telling her.

Lady: "Dye... cloro... what???"
Me: "Oh, it's okay, I just followed the directions online and..."
Lady: "An agent will be up to see you in a moment."

An agent??? I told her it wasn't necessary but in less than 5 minutes one security guard was in the lab looking around for a chemical spill. I told him there was a small splash and whatever was spilled probably evaporated before even hitting any surface. Two more agents came, one with a first aid kit, asking for my name, my supervisors name and the name of the reagent that I spilled. They were looking around the lab desperately to find the chemical spill. You can tell that before arriving they were anticipating a glowing green puddle, with red steam rising from it. They were dissapointed and asked if there was any burning on the spot where I had spilled DCM on my hand. I said no.

This didn't stop the 3 burly security guards from escorting me to the Concordia clinic where we met up with the safety officer from the chemistry department who deals with hazardous spills. He promptly went online to retrieve the information about what I had spilled (which I had already done). Following all that excitement there was a detailed report to fill out and a series of jokes about me dying, having my hand amputated and losing all of my skin pigmentation like Michael Jackson.

Good times. I came back to the lab where I was laughed at, nevertheless, impressed by the efficiency of the security guards. Does anyone remember when they suspected someone might have a gun in the school. It didn't take more than 10 minutes for them to muster a swat team, helicopters and snipers (only to discover that the potential assailant was carrying kendo sticks). But, it's good to know how efficient the security here is. Thanks to the men and women and Concordia Secuirty. I make jibes about Concordia, but at least we're pretty safe. That being said, next time I spill a chemical on me, I think I'll just suck it up and rinse with water.

GIMME SOME MORE!

2009-07-19T19:31:00.000-07:00

Most people who go to the Sushi chain of restaurants called Kanda will normally attest to one thing: Those people are just plain rude. It doesn't matter which one you go to. They'll argue with you about your order after bringing you the wrong things. God forbid you ask them for a glass of water to wash down their salty rolls. But most sickenning to me was the strange goodbye that one of the hostesses gave our group as we were leaving. It was said with as much contempt as she could muster, as if the very words would end our lives.

But bad service is pervasive in our society, whether you're taking the bus or asking someone in the twisted beauracracy of the University to reimburse you for money that you're entitled to. But it was to my horror that one night after eating at Kanda, they calculated our tip into the bill. That was the first time I had experienced that. Exactly how does that work? How is it that they suddenly decide that for any group larger than 10 people, they can suddenly add 15% to your bill and call it a "tip"?

What is a tip anyway? You go to a restaurant and there are waiters and waitresses who are already paid to bring you your food. Why are they entitled to more money, on top of their salary, as if we the patrons haven't already paid too much money for a meal? Where do they come off asking for more?

I sometimes imagine where this concept came from. I imagine some old, rich man, probably an ancient Egyptian pharoah, pleased by the uncharacteristically good service of a waiter, giving the man a few extra gold coins for a job well done. "Thank you good sir! This eating experience was exceptional! Here's a reward!" Or perhaps he was just trying to show off to a good looking waitress. "Why thank you madam! Might I add your buttocks are looking rather firm and perky today! Perhaps some money will make me seem somewhat more endearing to you!"

Whatever his motivations, this man has changed our world forever. Whereby a tip may have originally been a reward for exceptionally good service, it has now degenerated into a standard, whereby good service isn't even prerequisite. As long as you are a waiter, you are entitled to a tip. If you bring the wrong dish, spill stuff, if you're rude... You can still expect a tip. Every waiter, taxi driver, beggar lives in a world of, "I know I'm already getting paid for my work, but I WANT MORE!!"

Yeah, so do I. But I already know what will happen if I put a jar on my lab bench... Even if I take a marker and lazily write the word, "Tips" on it. Perhaps I could write, "Haven't eaten for days!" The result would be the same. An empty jar.

And restaurants where you actually have waiters are bad enough, but have you ever been to a restaurant where you just go to pick up your food that has a tip jar? Have you ever been to a depanneur that had a jar for tips on the counter?!? At that point it's akin to begging. I mean, what is a person asking for tips doing beyond what they're otherwise supposed to be doing? Similarly, a pan-handler is doing exactly what they're supposed to be doing. Essentially we live in a world where people expect that if they are adjacent to any kind of receptacle, be it a jar, a hat, a fanny pack, anyone crossing their path should feel compelled to put money into it. They don't even have to be doing anything extraordinary. They could be singing, playing the guitar, or just sitting there looking dirty and bedraggled.

I'll tell you one thing, the day I see a bus driver with a tip jar, is the day they'll send me to jail for assault or worse.

Greggaphone

2009-07-15T21:17:00.000-07:00

If you've known me long enough you might be familiar with a particularly bad joke that I tell with some regularity. Someone will say, "I'll give you a call." Then I'll ask, "On the phone?" To which the other person, baffled will respond.. "Yes." Then I'll ask, "Telephone or Saxophone?"

I attempted this joke on MSN talking to Vrej. Unfortunately I wrote "SaxA instead of SaxOphone." Anyone who knows Vrej knows that for him correcting spelling errors and grammar is as good as any auto-erotic recreation available on the internet. "Saxo " appeared in my msn window within seconds. While he went to clean himself up I wondered to myself, "I wonder where the word Saxophone comes from?"

A quick internet search yielded an answer that sounds almost made up. In fact, the inventor of the Saxophone was one Adolphe Sax who patented the invention in 1846. He was the son of Charles Sax who invented the less popular, Saxhorn.

The point is, if someone had asked me where the word saxophone comes from, that is probably exactly the story I would have invented, except I would have used the name, Steve Sax and he would have been trying to invent an auto-erotic device that one could use in the public without being noticed. The various openings and keys had the unfortunate side-effect of producing a sound that we now recognize as the saxophone, a fact discovered by his late mother Sandrine Sax, who walked in on him while he tested his new invention and died of a heart-attack. Though not inconspicuous enough to be used for its original purpose, the sexhorn produced a beautiful melody and the sound was soon pervasive in American music culture.

Foul Mouth (parental discretion is advised)

2009-07-08T09:08:00.000-07:00

The other day in the elevator, I found a colleague holding a bunch of containers filled with food. They teetered precariously and I couldn't help but make the most obvious of mock aggressive gestures and pretend to knock them over. He asked pitifully, "Why would you do that??" I responded by saying, "Why? Why??? Because f**k that!!!! that's why!!!" Then I giggled my motha f**kin' ass off!! The man waved awkwardly and left.

Call it stress, call it insanity, but these days I can't help but give into what I will call, playful displays of aggression. This usually manifests itself as a playful punch... sometimes a playful kick... But most often, it manifests itself in a litany of carefully chosen swear words, not unlike the disgraceful display illustrated above.

When I was young, I didn't used to utter a single swear word, and would rarely even say the Lord's name in vain. As I grew older, I began to use gateway swear words like, "eff" or "damn." This soon evovled into an all out cussing streak, whereby I go out of my way to fit swearwords into my speech. Why? I find it funny for some reason. I first realized I had a problem when I let out a particularly foul curse word while a little girl ran by.

Swearing is a pretty filthy habit. It makes me sound like a real cretin. Why, oh why do I enjoy it so much? I want to blame rap music, movies... Certain friends... I've tried to stop. I even have a swear jar at home. But that doesn't really work. I don't really enforce it. Where's the motivation? Putting money in a jar doesn't seem like a penalty. It's my house.. my jar... So what am I losing?

In short, what I'm saying is, I can't stop. There is no cure for what I have. Even if I curb it for a month or so, I'll hear some charming use of the eff word and then I'll be back to my bad habit. I am at all times 1 rap song, 1 R rated movie, 1 vulgar friend away from regressing to the degenerate language of the street. My most recent return to swearing was after taking a particularly inane facebook quiz. What vicious animal are you? My result was, "Jesus f**king Christ you're a f**king bear!" Man, I laughed and laughed. Then I pondered how incredibly blasphemous it is when people incorporate the eff word into Jesus' name. Then I wondered to myself why people say, "Jesus H. Christ!!" What does the H stand for? Herbert? Harry? Hug?

Anyway, here are some videos of some people swearing that I enjoy.

1) I Hate Huckabees

2) Arty Lange Sings

3) Bad Santa

4) A long skit with Black Guys swearing about chicken

Doctor Gregg on drugs

2009-05-15T23:10:00.000-07:00

I saw a commercial the other day for a drug. We've all seen them, "If you suffer from a flaccid phallus, take these pills." Followed by a disclaimer listing the possible side effects which are usually far more serious than what the pills were initially supposed to treat, "These pills may cause blindness, dementia and death. Consult your doctor if you experience any of these symptoms."

We have all since become numb to how incredibly dangerous these drugs are. However, the commercial I saw that night was actually advertising for a drug to be taken with other drugs. It claimed that if you are suffering from depression AND are already on anti-depressants, these pills would help you cope with depression.

Now I may not have no fancy degree, but if you need to take drugs, to improve the effects of drugs you're already taking, aren't you in a hell of a lot of trouble? I won't even make the obvious observation that if in fact two drugs are better than one when it comes to depression, why don't drug companies just combine the drugs into one super pill?

Somewhere along the line I can only assume it has something to do with money. And I'm not going to pull a Tom Cruise and claim there is no such thing as depression but I think we all need to take a long hard look at what drug companies are doing. Yes, it is possible that some people might need drugs to help some problem they might have. But it seems to me, if in fact depression was as widespread a mere 50 years ago as it is now, what did people do to cope then? Did they just keel over and die? Fifty years from now, will people ask, "What did people on anti-depressants in 2009 do to cope with depression if they didn't have anti-depressant repressants?"

Think about Ritalin, a drug given to kids to help them behave. Having worked at a summer camp I've seen children on ritalin. There is a chilling detachment in their eyes that seems like something out of an eerie science fiction story starring Haley Joel Osmont (ironically before his trouble with drugs).

All this to say, back in my day we had a drug to help children behave. It was called a beating. As always, I am wont to bring up how badly behaved I think kids are nowadays, having no kids of my own and in many ways being a kid myself. But man, kids are badly behaved. I am always amazed when I see a kid look their mothers right in the eyes and scream and swear at them. But today's liberal society will tell you, its wrong to spank them. Pump them full of drugs.

I reiterate, beat your kids. If not for their sake, then for the sake of the teacher's I saw recently, getting scolded by some punk 14 year old who wanted to smoke on school grounds. Do it for the crotchety old men like me on the bus who have utter contempt for 14 year olds who stagger onto the bus reeking of marijuana while they curse and swear at their equally unsavory friends over the cell phone. And if you don't have the hutzvah to kick your child's ass when they need it, send them to the army where someone will do it for you. I was speaking to a friend of mine who knows a psychiatrist for teens. I'm told the job often boils down to prescribing drugs for rich kids who have just gotten bored. Perhaps bored with a life that has become too easy and maybe even too pointless.

So now to cope with life, we need to turn our children into existential philosophers rambling to psychologists about their boredom or keep them stoned out of their mind? Isn't it just easier and more useful to beat them? I mean, what's the consequence? Hypothetically my child is going to call the cops and have me arrested for abuse? You know what, when I have kids, they're getting spanked, I don't care if it's illegal. "Yeah? What? You're going to call the cops? After I feed you, clothe you and put a roof over your head? Go ahead then. I'll go to jail I don't give a f**k! No rent! Free food! I don't have to buy drugs for spoiled children. Enjoy life in a foster home!" And as Russel Peters said, there's still plenty of time to beat the kids as the cops are en route!

Might I suggest that in many cases, depression and bad behaviour are the jails we make for ourselves when opulent society has deprived us of our boundaries. And perhaps perscription drugs are the guy in your neighbouring jail cell, wearing a doo rag, who manages to get you cigarettes from the outside world, a fickle pleasure to enjoy while in a jail cell that might kill you in the long run anyway.

Call me old fashionned, but I think this is one instance of capitalists creating a need where none existed previously. I fail to believe that evolution has failed us so badly that we have no natural ways to cope with depression and badly behaved kids. Please, tell me there's something in the food that's screwing us up. Tell me we need to play less X-box, watch less tv and do more chores in the yard. Tell me that we are trying to fullfill spiritual needs with shopping or some other vapid, materialistic diversions. But don't tell me that millions of people need drugs as badly as they need food. Or even need drugs to cure the effects of other drugs they may already be taking. Drugs to cure the effects of drugs? That certainly sounds like science fiction to me.

Doctor Gregg has a bad day

2009-04-25T07:51:00.000-07:00

Man, did I ever have a bad day last week. It all started a while ago when I realized I would have to pay 300$ to print 5 (6?) copies of my thesis. Brutal. Surely it doesn't cost that much to print 6 copies of anything, unless you're laminating the pages in gold. The woman tried to console me by saying, "You're a doctor now, you'll be making that in an hour!"

Who does she think I am? An auto-worker in detroit? An electrician, plumber or bus driver? No, those are jobs that you can do coming straight out of high school. I've spent some 9 years in university alone and I could never aspire to make as much as them.

And the tuition fees. I thank God I was on a scholarship and my tuition was being paid for. Of course, the demonic overloads at Concordia University have found one last opportunity to take a big bite out of my ass. No, I'm not talking about the ridiculous fees of printing my thesis. The other day I found a charge of 2200+$ on my student account. I wasn't even worried, I knew it had to be a mistake.

Was I ever wrong. After navigating my way through the serpentine beauracracy of the university, I got my answer as to how I could still owe them money. Long story short, they charge me per credit. Because most of the program "credits" are not credits at all but some hypotehtical measure of how much time I would spend at school, because I finish early they just charge me the difference when I'm done.

Isn't that the opposite of credit? In fact... isn't that robbery? "Okay, give us 2200$... we're not providing you with any service we're just... taking your money because we want more than what you've paid us already."

Well, at least Concordia provides excellent service. NOT! 1 of a million examples would be my recent attempt to get an employee card. One week, I hand in a contract to be put on the payroll. Next week I'm told I have to go and ask them for an employee card. Had someone not told me I would never have known. So I go to the downtown HR office to get an employee card. This is always fun because no one you ask knows where this office is. I get there and after the secretary got off the phone with what must have been his friend, we had an interesting conversation.

Me: "Hello, I'm told I need an employee card."
Secretary: "If you're on contract for at least a year, yes."
Me: "I am."
Secretary: "Do you have a copy of the contract?"
Me: "I gave you a copy last week."

He then checks to see if I"m on file. I am! Hooray! Employee card, here I come. Not so. He asks me for a copy of my contract again. I reminded him that I put the contract in his very hands the previous week. He still tells me I need to bring him a contract....

Me: "What about the contract I gave you! I'm on file!"
Secretary: "You... still have to bring one."
Me: "But all my information is on that screen in front of you?"
Secretary: "Yes."
Me: "So ... I... Don't..."
Secretary: "Yes."

What's the point of arguing? Can someone explain to me what the point of a Human Resources department is if not to keep track of contracts I've given to them? Isn't a contract, proof that I am employed there, a resource? Isn't it cruel of them to make me take another trip downtownn with information they should have, that I've provided them with? Recently no less!?! What is a Human Resources Department if they don't have any resources or humanity? They're just a department. One of many departments designed to syphon money away from students.

As I took the elevator down, it stopped at the 9th floor. There's always some sense of impatience when the elevator stops for someone else. Why should I, a doctor, have to wait 7 seconds for someone to get on an elevator? The elevator stopped again. The guy who got on after me cursed in fury as the elevator stopped. "F**K!!" Some more guys got on. The elevator moved down a few more floors and 7 seconds later stopped again. The guy who had gotten on at the previous stop cursed, "Jesus Christ!"

And I had a revelation. There was something very spiritual about that moment. Just the site of one person after the other, each one actually angry that they had to wait 7 seconds for another human being was really revealing. I had to wait 21 seconds, while the guy who got on after me, only 14, the other one 7. In the grand scheme of things, 21 seconds is no time at all. And had someone gotten on before me... Well, you get the point. Someone has always got it worse. And in the grand scheme of things, my problems were trivial.

So I laughed, realized my day wasn't so bad, counted my blessings, gave God a praise and moved on. Among my good news is, I'm working on an interesting project in the lab, making more money. My book, the Twilight Alliance has hit book shelves across the US at 85 Barnes and Noble stores. That's a dream of mine. I realized if I travelled back in time to tell myself that, I would have been hysterical. Complaining is fun though.

Doctor Gregg goes to a Metal Concert

2009-03-25T20:52:00.000-07:00

So I got a random invitation last month. "Chris would you like to go to see a Heavy Metal Concert?"

Now I'm by no means a big fan of heavy metal music, but I was intrigued. And in the interest of trying something new and spending time with a friend I became very interested and excited by the prospect of going to this concert, part of the Pagan Knights tour.

I have to admit some of the music has a good beat and though lots of the songs seem to blend together to me, there are some that stuck. But the music isn't what interests me most about heavy metal concert. It's everything that surrounds it. First of all the attire is pretty surprising. Everyone's dressed in black and kind of gloomy. I looked someone out of place in my blue and grey hoodie, I was told it had a kind of 80's retro feel to it.

One band, Suidakra, was a group of Germans. The guy's banter got away from him as he started swearing. "This is going to be ... the best... f**king... ummm... THING!!!" Ever.

What was this best thing he spoke of? Something called a "Wall of Death" apparently. I was already familiar with moshing, which as far as I can tell is white people's answer to dancing. They just kind of, run into each other and start shoving one another... It's very odd. So when one band mentionned a wall of death I was very apprehensive. At least they're polite enough to ask. One band was french, "Est-ce que ca vous tente un, "Wall of Death?""

Then the second band and then a third band asked the same question. "How about we have a WALL OF DEATH!!!" The "Wall of Death" part said in a Batman from the Dark Knight voice.

The crowd answered with an enthusiastic: "RAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"
Me: "No?"

Well I learned that a Wall of Death is when the crowd segregates to opposite sides of the... dance/death floor and then runs into each other like a bunch of psychopath. Moshing ensues.

Anyway, the BEST part of the concert was the band I was anticipating; Alestorm. When I was invited to the concert my friend emphasized that there was a Pirate Metal Band she was dying to see, and yes, pirate metal is exactly what it sounds like. The music has a Gaelic feel to it and they sing about sailing the high and finding treasure. The lead singer declared, "This song is about Mead and Wenches... It's called... Mead and Wenches!!!"

The entire crowd got pretty excited about a song called Huntmaster which to me was probably the catchiest song of the night. But what's great is, people in the crowd were dressed as pirates. No joke, they were decked out in full pirate attire, jack sparrow bandannas and big feathery captain's hats, boots and vests. They were brandishing foam pirate swords and daggers and the cherry on top was the giant inflatible parrot that emerged from the crowd.

People were really excited about Alestorm and jumped up on stage to skip and prance. This made it necessary for one of the security guards, a large and brooding black man, to lurk on stage. When someone would jump on stage, he would pick them up like dolls and toss them into the crowd, a job he took to with great relish. You can almost hear him saying, "Go back from whence you came!!!" But even this seemed to be part of the fun as the intruders would surf the crowd yelling and screaming in pure MetalHead elation.

A good time. If ever I go again I feel the need to dress a little more metalish... spikes... links of chains... tall boots with buckles and what not.

Why hasn't Samuel L. Jackson played a wizard yet?

2009-02-25T20:37:00.001-08:00

A quick word on how cool Samuel L. Jackson is...

Comic book nerds will be familiar with a character named Nick Fury. Well, years ago when they decided to reboot the comic books they specifically asked Sam Jackson if they could draw Nick Fury, (previously a white character), to look like our hero Sam with an eyepatch.

This character was seen in the epilogue to the Iron Man movie and all the nerds made a mess in their pants to see Samuel Jackson for less than a minute. I mean, the guy puts on an eyepathc, says two lines and gets applause.

The latest news is that Jackson has signed an unprecedented contract to do 9 movies as Nick Fury! This blows my mind. The man will spend the twilight of his life playing this character. In fact if you were to go to Samuel L. Jackson's Wikipedia page, his life is divided into chapters. Among those chapters is (the years), 70s to 80s, 90s, 2000s... Nick Fury!? That is a chapter of his life???

Think about it, these 9 movies have not even been written yet. They haven't even cast the lead roles! The only thing they really know about these movies, is that Samuel L. Jackson will be in it, probably for no more than 5-10 minutes in each.

Studio Exec: "Soooo... what are these movies about?"
Other Studio Exec: "I don't know..."
Studio Exec: "Who's playing the leads??"
Other guy: "Who cares??? Just get Samuel Jackson a motha f**kin' contract!!!"

Who's cooler than Samuel L. Jackson? He's been a cop, a hitman, a super hero, a Jedi Master. The only role he hasn't played yet is a wizard. But there's still plenty of time.

Black people who remind me of me

2009-02-13T08:03:00.000-08:00

I was recently featured in the Community Contact, a paper for the Carribean Black community in Montreal. It was very flattering. Among other things they mentionned that it was unusual for a 27 year old Black guy to get a PhD in Biology. It hearkenned me back to memories of last Christmas. I was in a Hallmark store when an aquaintance of mine recognized me. He told me, "You know, I thought of you recently, I saw a movie..."

I knew where this was going, having seen I Am Legend starring Will Smith a few weeks earlier. He said, "The main character was a Biologist... Studying diseases and stuff. He fought zombies... He was also..." Here he hesitated, not certain of how to say what he had committed himself to saying. I nodded my head, encouragingly, "Yes... It's okay. He was Black. A Black Biologist just like me."

I'll tell you something; IMMEDIATELY after seeing I Am Legend I KNEW that someone would make the comparison. I wonder how many people in the world watched that movie and thought to themselves, "You know who's Black and is getting a PhD in Biology? That Black guy who's Black... Chris Gregg!"

Zombie genocide aside, I guess I am very much like Will Smith. Maybe with a slightly better physique. As a 27 year old black guy I've been compared to many black people most of whom are not like me at all aside from the fact that they're Black. When I went to China I have been compared to Michael Jordan, Will Smith... I guess it's not a bad thing that someone I hadn't seen in years thought of me immediately when he saw a black person in the field of Biology. Have I become the archetype for Black Biologists within the network of people who know me? If so... Awesome.

Let's think of other Black people who remind me of me.

Denzel Washington. Reason he reminds me of me: He's black.

Winston Zedmore from Ghostbusters. Reason he reminds me of me: He's black and he hunts ghosts.

Eddie Murphy from Coming to America. The main character in this motion picture is black.

Oprah is Black.

There are certainly others. Let's celebrate Black History month together by reflecting on Black people who remind you of me and the reasons.

Begging to be begged: The story of Masta's loafers

2009-01-25T15:44:00.001-08:00

My policy on giving money to people on the streets has fluctuated over the years. When I was young, I thought it was nice to give a few cents to people in need. Then I became vehemently opposed to giving money and no one could get a penny from me. After spending some time with my pseudo-wives, I had a technique. I would judge how poor these men actually were, by looking at their shoes. Only women could inspire something so brilliant. If their shoes looked ragged enough, I would give them money. I was surprised to find that most of the people who were begging for money had nicer shoes than me. Of course, considering I've been wearing the same loafers for about 5 years, maybe I shouldn't be.

Now I'm back at a place where I sometimes give money to beggers on the street. Which is why I was somewhat surprised on the way back from the movies the other day. There was a tatooed, body pierced young man going around asking people for money at the metro. He'd go from person to person, enduring rejection after rejection.

"Oh, here it comes!" I told my friend, rolling my eyes. He looked at me briefly and then asked the guy next to me for money. He skipped me!

Me: "Did you see that?"
Friend: "What?"
Me: "That beggar just snubbed me!"
Friend: "Maybe he thought you wouldn't give him any money."
Me: "Why would he think that? He asked People who had their back turned to him. some of them scowled at him! It's not a race thing either. Look he's asking Black people too!"
Friend: "What...? Did you want to give him money?"
Me: "No.... but it's still nice to be asked!"

I briefly considered asking him why he decided not to ask me for money. Was it my posture? Did it look like I didn't have any money? I mean.. The nerve. If you're going to be a beggar, be thorough! He doesn't know, I could be the most generous man on earth. I might have given him 10$ maybe 20$!

Whatever, who needs him anyway? I've been begged by the best. Amputees, people with dogs, people bold enough to say they'll spend my money on alcohol. I've been mugged by a guy with a banana! And this guy at the metro thinks HE's too good to ask ME for money? That is to laugh. Of course, maybe he just took a good hard look at my 5 year old beige loafers and felt pity on me. Maybe I should consider a career in panhandling.

Now wearing these old shoes has become almost a challenge. It's as if the universe is daring me to get rid of them. Those who know me, know I wear these shoes almost 365 days a year, rain, sun and snow the beige loafers are part of me now. I even bought a new pair of shoes a year or two ago, to replace them. They were a lot nicer than these beige loafers. But I spilled general tao chicken on them and they've never been the same.

So, much like Darth Vader's cape, Winnie the Pooh's red T-shirt, or Dr. Octopus's arms, I will bear these loafers ever more. Keep an eye out for them next time you go out with MastaCSG!

My Obama Post

2009-01-25T15:37:00.001-08:00

In recent months I've been asked about Barack Obama, of course. Am I excited about him being the next president? What do I think about him?

I have the same opinion as everyone else. He's pretty good. Pretty, pretty... pretty good. When he actually won the vote, I was probably most emotional, mostly because he mentionned his grandmother and my grandmother had died about 1 year before that. I would have loved to have seen her reaction to this historical event.

I'm also very surprised to see that the U.S. would elect a Black man to be president of the United States. In my mind the pervasive racism in the states would have overwhelmed common sense. I'm glad to see I was wrong. That being said, he has a mess on his hands as far as the economy is concerned.

And that's about it... I couldn't say anything that everyone hasn't said a million times before. I'm glad to see we've finally caught up with our fiction. Now Obama can join the ranks of President Palmer, Morgan Freeman's character in Deep Impace and the Black guy who was president in The 5th Element.... I think the president was black in that movie...

Rap... Blasphemy

2009-01-17T08:26:00.000-08:00

Somehow it came up in a conversation that there was a movie out called "Hotel For Dogs." She asked, what the movie was about to which I could only reply. "It's about a hotel.... that dogs go to." This lead into a conversation about obvious movie titles. Snow Dogs, Bride Wars, Paul Blart: Mall Cop... To which we concluded at least one technique in movie making is to bring together random words to make a title, which we instantly put into practice. She came up with Blanket TV, I came up with Blanket glasses. The point was well understood.

My cousin later messaged me on msn to regale me with tales of a song entitled, "Arab Money." Apparently the philosophy of random word association was used here as well by some of our Favourite rappers: Busta Rhymes, P.Diddy, Swizz Beats Akon etc... What is it about? Well, most of it is your standard rapper fare talking about how much money they have... So much so, they're lifestyles are reminsicent of rich Arab oil tycoons? I guess that's the message. They have trysts with women and... drill for oil on the moon? It's a ridiculous song... I daresay it's a lousy song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2zTDSVu2GM

But as a final exercise in stupidity, they decide to insert random lines from Qur'an into the song. Listenning to the song you just wonder, "Why?" Indeed some of the rappers featured in the song, Busta Rhymes, Swizz Beatz are Muslim. But wouldn't that only discourage them further? My understanding is it is considered wrong to add music to verses in the Qur'an. And even if it wasn't, would any believer in any faith, take the words from their holy scriptures and intersperse it with bad language and tales of promiscuity?

I can almost hear the conversation.

Busta: "Where can we go with this rap s**t? We've already mastered the art of glorifying misogyny, substance abuse and violence... We need something new."
P.Diddy: "Mmmm... Well, Is there any way we can do all of that, while desecrating a religion?"
Busta: "Fascinating... Well... Some Arabs are religious..."
P.Diddy: "Arab... Mmm..."
Busta (looking around furtively): "Arab-Boom Mic? No... Arab-Drugs? Arab-Cell Phone? Maybe... OH, I GOT IT, GUY...ARAB MONEY!!!"
P.Diddy: "Oh, that s**t is off the hook, N-word!!!"

Had either of them been able to rise above their pot induced stupor for a few moments, maybe they would have considered that it wasn't such a good idea. Is there really nothing else to sing about? And yes, of course Muslims got offended. In fact, if you look at the comments to the videos on youtube, you'll see many Muslims reacting with visceral hatred and sometimes racism as they listen to the words of God tainted with the explicit lyrics that rap songs are so wont to employ. Not even George Lucas and Steven Spielberg are spared as somehow, Busta Rhymes feels it necessary to throw their names in at the very beginning of the remix of this song. Oh yes, there are remixes and parts to this song... It's epic. There's a video of how proud everyone involved is of this project. I wouldn't recommend watching the video as it's 7 minutes of the most incoherent cursing and swearing you've ever been exposed to.

I'm not above being bitter... Maybe I'm even bordering on being a "hater". But this is their job? When did Busta Rhymes even get out of jail? And why am I giving him free publicity on my blog? Can I not do what they do? Hotel for Dogs? Arab Money? Man, I'll blow their mind with my new hit... Keyboard-Lamp. Phones for Dogs. Toothpaste money... Ugh... Outrageous!

On an unrelated note, check out Busta Rhymes reaction to Obama winning the presidency. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aURko3YoJ2I&feature=related

And all the white people fled in fear. I heart Busta Rhymes though.

Yeast Affection

2008-10-28T00:27:00.000-07:00

I often wonder to myself if I'm cut out to be a scientist. Sometimes I can't believe what I'm doing. Othertimes I think it's really exciting and I look forward to answering some ground breaking questions.

One of the things scientists do a lot of is go and listen to other scientists talk about their work. I study yeast as a model for studying lifespan and peroxisomal division. Do you know how many people study yeast in the world? To give you an idea, I've been to several conferences this year. The one's I know of off the top of my head are the Montreal Yeast meeting, the North Eastern Yeast Meeting and the International Yeast Meeting. Inter freaking National! Yeast!

And I sit there scratching my head wondering what posesses someone to study certain things? There were two talks the other night for the Montreal Yeast Meeting. The first talk was about mating in a particular yeast strain. I slept through that one. When I woke up I asked a coworker what the second talk was about. "Iron Economy in S. Pombe (a type of yeast)." I wasn't happy. "Are you kidding me??" I couldn't believe I was going to sit around listenning to someone talk about how yeast take up iron.

But the scary part is.. I actually enjoyed the talk. Then I realized that slowly I am becoming one of them. A scientist. I remembered how excited I was to talk to some of the biologists at a conference in San Diego. It was a thrill to explain to them how peroxisomes divide. A THRILL! Do you know what a peroxisome is? Does anyone? Seriously, I think there are 5-6 scientists studying these things, and by tomorrow I will have met them all.

What is this beast called science? My attitude towards science used to be, "If you can't eat it or spend it then who really cares?" Lots of people apparently. Think about it. It's a game really. A bunch of grown men and women solving the puzzles of the universe. And the moment we cure one disease, a new one pops up to kill us. The moment we think we've found the smallest particle in the universe, someone finds a smaller one. And the more things change in the world, the more they stay the same. Robots aren't walking the streets yet... No flying cars... No one has bothered cloning me or a dinosaur. What has science brought us really? A partial explanation of how S. Pombe conserves iron. As Bart Simpson once said, "If you want results who do you go to? Your Shwarzneggers, your Stallones and to a lesser extent your Van Dammes."

Resident Racism

2008-10-19T18:11:00.001-07:00

Always one for keeping on top of the news, here's an relatively old contreversy that has only piqued my interest recently. There's this trailer for Resident Evil 5, a video game franchise where you kill zombies. But in Resident Evil 5, they go to Africa to kill African zombies! Watch the Trailer!

http://www.gametrailers.com/player/22801.html

So, some Black people got angry because it looks like this video game is a not so elaborate excuse to shoot Black people. I certainly think it looks racist. All its missing is a bunch of cops spraying them with firehoses. Surely someone involved in the making of this game must have said, "Mmm... Don't you think this looks awful? Don't you think some Black people might object to a White guy going to Africa to shoot and maim Black people?"

And sure enough the answer came, "Oh come on! No one will know the difference! If anyone asks, we'll just say, he's shooting zombies who happen to be Black. It's a coincidence! It's not our fault the zombie virus ended up infecting Africans! There's all kinds of disease down there! No one would object if he went to France and started shooting a bunch of white zombies!"

I guess I wouldn't... And we all saw I Am Legend. Will Smith was a solitary Black guy shooting zombies, many of whom may have been white. I just don't think they were white enough to justify this game. RE5 seems to play up some pretty racist imagery. I mean, some of those women are wearing the Aunt Jemima bandanna and everything. The zombies in I am Legend were kind of a a non-descript beige with beige clothing. We certainly couldn't affiliate them to any specific culture. They should have been wearing shirts that say "Metallica" and "Smashing Pumpkins".

And don't Africans have it hard enough with the Aids and the famine and psychotic dictators? Do we really need to create a fiction where they're afflicted with zombieism too?

Whatever the intention, I know back in the day when I used to play Halo 2 online, there was no end of racial slurs flying back and forth and that's in a game where the villains are not mobs of black guys. Imagine the consequences of this? Racist kids are going to pee their pants with delight; "Mom, this Christmas can I get that game where you gun down "N-words"?"

Jaded Mom: "Yes dear, but only if you eat your supper."

It would be funny if they tried to somehow make up for the racist content by having the character say lines that are apologetic while he's shooting the zombies:

RATATATATATA "Why did these zombies all have to be black??? WHY?? Oh, the humanity!!!!" RATATATATATATATA, "Some of my best friends are Black!!! I swear!!! I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE!!!!" RATATATATATA "I'm an equal opportunity zombie killer! I don't even notice color!!!!" RATATATATA "I"m only racist against zombies!!!" And he wears a shirt with Kofee Anan's face on it.

Sometimes I think to myself, Black people don't ask too much. Don't call us the N-word, don't make overtly racist jokes. I think we're pretty good sports about often being the first to die off in horror movies. Is it really too much to ask that they didn't make this game? Were there really no other ideas on the table? I can hear the people who made RE5 saying it now, "Yeah, it was either this or Zombies in the Hood."

Over-over-eating: Extreme dining in the 21st century

2008-09-30T19:47:00.000-07:00

Someone was high when they whipped up this idea.

http://www.dinnerinthesky.com/techn.php

You can make reservations to eat dinner at a table that is dangling precariously from a crane. Genius! I wish I was there when they came up with it. "Yeah, then we take 22 putzes, and just hang them up there while they eat." Note the prices are not listed and reservations must be made 2-3 months in advance while they get permits from the city to hang your greedy ass up in the air. How much do you figure a meal like that would put you back? 50 K? 100K? Craziness.

Despite my manliness I find the idea frightenning. Isn't that just asking for trouble? I mean it's dangerous enough as it is, but you'll be the envy of all the chumps stuck eating food on solid ground. They'll be sending evil thoughts skyward to your table. I can see myself eating a hot dog from a street vendor or something.

Me: "They really think they're better than me, don't they? Up there eating their filet mignon and sipping the finest champagne... Wearing their fancy clothes and telling hilarious, rich-people stories!!!" Then I'd toss my half eaten hot dog at them, miss their silly floating table and weep bitterly as I watch my discarded lunch land in a pile of reeking hobos.

Imagine Paris Hilton's next birthday party. Who knows? Rusty links in the chain? I can see her inviting James Lipton and he starts getting rowdy. Jumping around, yelling and being belligerent. Then Dennis Franz makes a disparaging remark about Rosie Odonnel's sexual orientation and they start fighting. You get that crane to swinging and next thing you know you got Jack Black and Monique are singing: "Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Paris Hiltoooooon.... Happy birthday to-" *SNAP* "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And it lands on a car and explodes in a magnificent fireball. That'll end a meal real quick. Then the next day on Oprah Winfrey when a horribly mutilated Paris talks about the experience she'll say, "You know the worst part, Oprah? The steak was over cooked."

I've been expressing this a lot lately but once again I cannot help but be overwhelmed at the opulence of North American society. You hang people in the air so they can have an expensive meal? Seriously? Not to sound bitter but... what's that??? I often imagine what extra-terrestrials will think of us if they find the remains of our society. "Ah yes, and this is a crane, used to hang people in the air while they ate. We believe it helped them to digest their food."

No, it was just another way for people to quickly burn an embarassing excess of money. Of course who am I to draw the line? I think it would be cool to eat at that restaurant that was built underwater.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66xHjjBxJfQ

That's pretty extravagant. Still, my mind can't help but conjure terrifying images of a shark crashing through the glass and devouring the frantic patrons. "This wasn't on the menu!" I'd cry.

Jen told me a funny story where a man went to the revolving restaurant in montreal. He went to the bathroom and found that it didn't rotate with the rest of the restaurant. When he emerged he was so disoriented he couldn't find his table. And then there's O'Noir where you pay a little extra to eat in the dark.

It's like something out of a science fiction comedy; Restaurants with themes so contrived that it actually makes eating inconvenient, even dangerous. The sky's the limit indeed. I can imagine a restaurant that's on one giant ski, and you eat at a table that's sliding down a snowy mountainside. I'd like to eat a meal, where the table is in this transparent, temperature resistant dome floating on a bed of magma inside an active volcano on the verge of erupting. Or you take this crane idea, except you fasten everyone to their seats and hang everything upside down over a field of land mines with starving lions roaming around. Or what would you think about a restaurant that serves only seafood? Fish, lobster, crab, emperor penguins, shrimp ... I think that would be pretty good. Ah, to be wealthy.

The Bold and the Beautiful

2008-09-25T20:57:00.001-07:00

I remember when I was a kid, we had a strange rule in the house. We weren't allowed to kill ladybugs because my mom found them cute. Spiders however, were sentenced to immediate execution upon being spotted. Where is the justice, I ask myself? Why is one crawling arthropod deserving of death and another the recipient of mercy? It all has to do with human prejudices.

I agree, lady bugs are kind of cute. They look like little jewels. I daresay, they're beautiful. And spiders are pretty awful looking things. Hairy, eerie... gross. Lady bugs trundle along like cute old ladies. Spiders creep along with those 8 hairy legs, weaving webs all over everything. But spiders are a very important part of our ecology, devouring pests like mosquitoes. Ladybugs play their role too, but I can't remember the last time I've had a problem with aphids...

But I digress. Why do I bring this up? Because the other day I was woken up at 10am by a rustling noise. Forcing myself out of bed I went to my living room to find a squirrel on my air conditioner. I watched it for a little while. Then it scurried off to a branch on the tree in my back yard. It nibbled off a piece and then brought it back to my air conditioner. This thing was making a nest on my air-conditionner! The temerity!

So I stared at it for a while as it went about it's task, and this rodent had the balls to look right back at me, get another branch and continue building its nest. Almost like it wanted me to go away. I felt like saying, "Well, excuse me! Am I disturbing you? Would you like some help with that, Guy?" Like I'm some kind of punk for this squirrel to just give me the crook eye and start building real estate on my air conditionner? Now, sure, it's almost October, I should have taken the air conditionner down long ago, but I've been busy (see previous post). I find squirrels way too bold. They have this sense of entitlement. What other rodent can just run around willy-nilly at any time of day, right in your face!! They're not even scared of people anymore it seems.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjUAFwLp2q4

And this is what puzzles me. A squirrel is little more than a glorified rat. You see them all over the place, eating garbage, defecating where they please, carousing... acting like proper vermin! Yet, I've never heard anyone describe a squirrel as anything but cute. They're rats with bushy tails! And yet if someone were to see a rat, they would freak out and try to kill it. If your garden variety snake had a cute flower growing out of its tail would we suddenly treat it like a little ornament of mother nature, with the right to parade around at all times of day, building nests in plain site, staring us right in the eye as if WE'RE the ones who are out of line?! As if WE'RE the ones who fall short of some squirrel imposed standard?! You know what?? F**k squirrels!!!There, I said it.

And another thing; I'm not going to treat a squirrel like it's special just because it has a bushy tail. I grabbed my Mace Windu force FX lightsaber, ignited the blade and started tapping on the window. The squirrel ran away. And then came back like 10 minutes later with another branch! This time I banged on the window harder. This seemed to dissuade him from setting up shop right outside my window. The force was strong with me.

The balls on that thing. I pray thee, to all who read this, enforce justice on all of God's creations, to the dispicably cute squirrel, to the horrificly disgusting spider. All creatures on the earth should be treated with the utmost contempt, regardless of how they look.

Are you my number 7?

2008-09-22T21:33:00.000-07:00

I'm nearing the end of my four year graduate program and soon will be known to all of you as Chris Gregg no longer but rather, Dr. Chris Gregg.

The last step of this process is to write my thesis, a process that shouldn't take to long but is... taking... too long. I don't know what it is. I love my research. I love writing. Writing about my research should be a breeze. But it isn't. There's something foreboding about knowing you have to do something that makes it so unnapealing such that almost any activity available seems more interesting. I remember in the past I have learned several songs in other languages (the theme to El Mariachi, Mas Que Nada and Life is Beautiful by M-flo). That was more interesting than say, studying for an exam. Having a thesis due has yielded similar hobbies. A few examples:

1) Writing an article about procrastination: I was making some nice figures for my thesis when it occured to me, "Why should I do something so urgent and so necessary, when I can write about not doing it?"

2) Fiction writing: Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy writing. The order of what I like to write goes, Fiction, Blog post, Thesis.

3) Cooking. I have been cooking up a storm these last few weeks. I've mastered a meal I really like that Jen made for me long ago. Spicy Ginger Shrimp with honey and coconut milk. I also decided that there must be some recipe available online to make fried chicken that tastes just like the colonel's. I found one, but my chicken didn't turn out like real KFC. I also made a Dijon chicken dish with noodles. I pronounce it Dee Jon to sound cool. I've also made pancakes several times.

4) Apple picking. Why buy cheap apples at the local grocery store when you can buy expensive apples from the most remote part of the north shore? Impractical but a lot of fun.

5) Watching Curb your Enthusiasm. I have every episode on DVD and I still can't decide if I love or hate Larry David. He's such a jerk/idiot. Sometimes it's infuriating to watch I want to hit him!! But I always get a laugh.

6) Looking for jobs. After finishing my thesis, ideally I will find a job that will provide me with much cash. Cha ching. Will I be employed as a researcher, a teacher or manager at la Belle Province?

Can you guess what job I'll end up doing! Post it on the site! In a few months you can say, "I knew Dr. Chris Gregg would end up working for the British Secret Service, not unlike James Bond."

Please visit my blogs frequently and add comment. Perhaps answering comments posted by YOU can be my #7 favourite activity to do aside from thesis writing.

A mini Big Bang

2008-09-11T12:26:00.000-07:00

So, they recently fired up the Big Bang Machine. "What is a Big Bang machine and why should I care?" you may be asking.

Well, the Big Bang Machine is a 6.4 billion Euro monstrosity that will hopefully recreate the conditions that began the universe. They're going to collide some particles, protons and then some stuff will happen, Big Bang-like stuff (or so they assume) and if they observe a particular particle called a Higg's Bozon, then they will know their theories about "the beginning" of the universe were correct. If they don't observe this particle then they were wrong about some things. And like good scientists they would be happy to be surprised. It means scientists will have more stuff to study. You should watch some of these videos they're interesting.

http://video.google.ca/videoplay?docid=7240446276656005287&ei=EHHJSLrTE4G2rQKwx9XJAg&q=the+big+bang+machine&vt=lf&hl=en

Why should you care? Well, with a food crisis going on in the world and the dissapearance of fossil fuels and the increase of certain diseases, people are desperate to know how the universe began. One day we'll be able to tell a starving child dying of AIDS that everything that exists came about as the result of a big explosion called the Big Bang. Certainly the child won't understand the details of what this all means. In fact, his or her most pressing question might be, "Can I PLEASE have a sandwhich?" But... who cares? As long as scientists know some stuff.

I love how knowing more about the big bang does absolutely nothing practical for me or anyone, whatsoever. I guess it's nice to know these things but that's a lot of money and there are lots of problems in the world these days. Where are the big advances in Biology and Agriculture? When is the last time someone has spent that kind of money trying to cure a disease? Of course, when we run out of food and fossil fuels, and our atmosphere is so dense with pollution we won't be able to see the sun, maybe these people can make a new universe for us to live in.

All sarcasm aside, I love physics and stuff. I just don't think this experiment is worth the expense, whatever the outcome. I mean, there's such a thing as priorities. What good that money could have done for people who are really in need. Luckily for physicists, no one has or ever will ask me for permission to build a Big Bang Machine.

That being said there are a small group of people out there who believe that the Big Bang Machine could create black holes and eventually destroy the earth. That's one way to end human suffering.

6 pack

2008-09-07T18:39:00.000-07:00

In the last year or so I have been working out at a gym that is appropriately named "Pump". It's where I go to pump my guns. More or less. I do a fairly lazy workout, a bit of running, I work a few muscles and after about 45 minutes I go home.

For better or worse one of the trainers there caught me doing a very simple exercise in a very bad way. He promptly upbraided me, "No, no NO! That's totally wrong. You're going to kill your d**k! do you want to have children? I have GRAND CHILDREN older than you. Trust me, I've been doing this a long time. I'm not just saying stuff for the sake of... you know, talking."

Me: "You had me at, 'I'm going to kill my d**k.'"

Surely if there's one way to get a guy's attention, it's to threaten his d**k somehow. I had one free appointment with a personal trainer so I asked him if he was free and made an appointment. The man is now 65 years old, with great grandkids. He was Mr. Canada and Mr. USA. The workout was more intense than the lackadaisacal visits to the gym that I usually indulge in. It was good fun, a great workout. He focused a lot on abs. "This exercise is for your 6-pack!" he said, "I know you young guys like to show off to the ladies with ya tight shirts."

Well, I don't know about tight shirts, but six-pack couldn't hurt anything. For the most part I was able to do lots of the exercises and got tired toward the end. He only expressed true disgust with me when I couldn't do a particular exercise that works out your triceps. Oh, man, I could barely do a few on the second lowest weight.

But that's what it's all about. I'll improve right? And hopefully with his training I will learn the proper technique, thus keeping my d**k safe and ensuring that I will have a seed that will outnumber the stars.

The Bremen Town Musicians

2008-08-31T20:32:00.000-07:00

Has anyone heard this story, the Bremen town musicians? It was one of my favourite stories as a kid. The long and short of it is, this donkey is mistreated by his masters and leaves home to go to Bremen where he would become a famous singer. Along the way he meets other mistreated animals; a dog, a cat and a rooster and they all get together and decide they're going to form a band.

The brilliance of this story is, although it's clear to the reader how awful the sound of a donkey, a cat, a rooster and a dog singing in concert would sound, the animals think they're amazing. Was their band doomed to failure? Well, fate would have it that they came to a house that was filled with robbers, and the sound of these animals was so terrible, the robbers thought the house was haunted and they fled. The animals quickly abandonned the idea of being a band and decided to spend the rest of their days in this house that was full of food.

Now there is something very prophetic about this. I mean, isn't that what the world is like today? Incidental success? Take something like American Idol. Are these singers necessarily the most amazing singers around? In my opinion, very rarely. However, they are marketable sometimes because of looks or style or something else that isn't necessarily musical. Take even William Hung. He couldn't sing at all, but he enjoyed a good year or so of fame. How did George Bush become president? Because he is an inspiring leader? No, he just talked a good talk made people afraid of terrorists. What does Paris Hilton do for anyone? Nothing! Lindsay Lohan may or may not be a good actress, but the only time we hear about her is when she's doing something terrible.

Why is it that we're not drawn to talent anymore? Just as the Bremen Town Musicians wanted to become rich and famous singers, it was initially their ability to inspire fear that prospered them. Similarly, people in the media nowadays have to manipulate our fear, our lust and sometimes our insatiable desire to mock people. Is it our destiny to be manipulated by our most base emotions?

This of course brings hope to me. I mean, if I can become succesful just by bringing out the worst in people, I'm as good as rich. It seems like only yesterday that I was provoking a waiter. He seemed to think I was implying that he couldn't speak english when I asked him to divide the bill into 3 so everyone at the table could pay seperately. The point is, I wasn't even trying then! I could say, make a television sitcom where I'm a Ninja living with my adopted daughter and a lawyer. The premise is ridiculous, but if I just make it a point to make the show as racist, lewd and offensive as possible, I'll get all the attention I need to fill my bank account with much needed money. The show will be called, My Ninja Dad.

Regardless, those animals are so darned cute. I wonder if my mom still has that book? Here's an online version of the story. I think this is a softcore version whereby the animals aren't being abused, but it's still fun.

http://www.brementownmusicians.com/flash/story

Montreal Pride

2008-04-15T19:16:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting conversation in the lab. Of all things some of the guys were talking about the local sports team, The Montreal Canadians otherwise known as the "Habs". I've been watching a game or two here and there so I could hopefully one day hope to hold my own in a conversation. From what one person said, "The Habs weren't playing their game... They were playing Boston's game." Then there was a lot of name dropping and zen like talks about "energy" and ... man, i have no idea. I decided to add my two cents. "Yeah, i saw the game on Saturday. They did seem to not have a lot of energy. Not to much hussle. But they have a lot of spirit, I think they're going to pull this thing off.... Ummm... Plekanec?"

One of the guys scratched his head and continued the conversation as if I had said nothing. I really don't get it. I don't get sports. I watched the game on Saturday, the names of the players don't really stick... I mean, to me they're smacking around this puck and half heartedly fighting each other. I guess it's entertaining enough. But people's passion for the sport will always baffle me. There's so much to remember, so many teams. But what really gets me is the pride that our city of Montreal feels at our success in Hockey. It really struck me when we were singing the national anthem. You know when you can feel the pride in people's voice? It was so solemn, I daresay not a single person in the Bell Center was off note. It was actually quite beautiful. And why? For a game! So we can say, "Screw you, Boston, we're good at Hockey! You may have the best universities but we have the best... Plekanetz!"

How does pride come into it? I mean, we didn't do anything. We watched people do stuff. Where's the pride in that? And while these athletes are training and risking injury to play a game, we sit back and celebrate them piously in our day to day lives; on clothing, on buildings, on the news (after talking about death and suffering overseas), on vehicles. The buses in montreal now have "Go! Canadiens Go!" on their marquees. Is 'Go' a french word now? If not it's illegal to display that publicly. And what's "Go"? Go where? And how can they be the Canadiens and the Habs??? Pick one!!!

It's not that I mind or anything. Hockey's fun enough. I just feel like a spectator when watching or listenning to the spectators and the fans. I wonder what aliens from another planet would think if they came here and saw people injuring themselves and exerting themselves for effectively no reason. They don't gain food, they don't teach, they don't help us understand anything about this crazy world we live in. And even stranger, the people around them applaud this and cheer them on AS IF they have done something. Of course, this post probably means nothing to other people. It seems as if everyone in the world is on board with the sensation that is hockey in Montreal. I'm the only one who doesn't get it.

There is one thing I'm looking forward to, though. The riot that will ensue at the end of the season! That's something i can get on board with. I mean, when cars are overturned and entire city blocks are ravaged by roving lunatics, at least people will be able to look back on the mayhem and say, "I contributed to that!" Now that to me is a basis for pride.

Ain't that a B?

2008-04-02T20:15:00.001-07:00

As I get older and grumpier things seem to bother me more. This week, I'm somewhat disgruntled with the word "brunch". Oh, that word angries up the blood. I remember when I was just a young lad, that word was fun and somewhat quirky. I remember thinking to myself, "How clever! It's a mixture between the words breakfast and lunch."

But as I grow older, fun and quirky seems to be increasingly synonymous with pretentious and contrived. I came to realize no one really eats anything between breakfast and lunch. I suspect most people only get out of bed at 10am, or 11am on a weekend, the only day working people would be able to arrange to have so called "brunch" with someone. The result? Usually two unsatisfying meals between 11am and 4pm which invariably ruin your supper. Cereal as you rush out of the house, and a panini or some crap at 3pm. I wouldn't consider either of those meals a breakfast/lunch hybrid.

Brunch is sort of a no-man's land of meals. It's what you invite someone to when you don't want to commit to a REAL meal. And oh the things that restaurants serve at brunch. I can respect a good breakfast, pancakes croissant, various meats... But why call that brunch? It's just breakfast at that point. Hamburgers and other sandwhiches seem too lunchlike to be eaten at brunch. So to get that brunch feeling people order strange omelettes with goat cheese, capers and/or some odd vegetables that you normally wouldn't keep in the house. What a sorry alternative to a proper meal... Some omelette that tries too hard to be different with it's exotic cheeses and unconventional vegetables. Can't you picture it now? With it's odd colors and odors, the stink of it filling your every breath, a suffocating cloud you can't escape... With pieces of green and red stuff in it looking like a pile of fried puke. Disgusting. And people justify its existence by giving it a super cool, hipster name like brunch. Punk kids. They should call it... Brarf.... A clever amalgumation of the words breakfast and barf.

Sincerest apologies to anyone who I've invited out to brunch recently. I'm cured of that now. From now on the only meals MastaCSG eats are Breakfast, Elevenses, Lunch, Afternoon-Tea, Supper, Desert and occasional snacks in between. But not brunch. NEVER BRUNCH!!! And to anyone who will invite me out to brunch in the near future, I will go, but I won't call it brunch and I WON'T have an omelette. If you don't like it, why don't you grow a pair, and invite me for supper or breakfast?

Holla Black Guy

2008-03-20T02:00:00.000-07:00

I really like to sing. But of course, singing in public could be misconstrued as insanity. I try to limit the amount of singing I do alone in my apartment too, for fear that someone might hear me and think I'm crazy in the coconut. But when I'm walking home especially late at night when I feel no one is around to hear me, I sing like a madman, to the top of my lungs with songs playing on my Ipod. Now, inevitably, when I'm singing like some kind of lunatic someone will appear out of nowhere and give me a funny look. At this point I'm convinced that some people in the neighourhood have even chosen to walk on the opposite side of the road, giving me a wide berth while I embarass myself.

I used to be more reserved about it, but now... It's become a new way to be intimidating. I sing, and people flee. That makes me top dog in Cote St-Luc... Somehow. I've also put it into my head that no one would mug a Black guy walking down the street singing. It would be so awkward.

Me: "Few times I been around that track, but it's not just gonna happen like that cuz I ain't no holla back girl! I ain't no holla back girl!"
Mugger: "Give me all your money!"
Me (reaching for my wallet): "... I ain't no.... Holla..."
Mugger: "Shut up!!!"
Me: "... back..."
Mugger: "...."
Me: "... girl..." :-(
Mugger: "What the #$%^&* are you singing?"
Me: "Gwen Stefani... I don't usually... It was just.. on my Ipod, I got caught up in the moment... I didn't think anyone was listenning."
Mugger: "What kind of black guy are you?"
Me: "My taste in music is eclectic. Or you might say... Ecleftic... Get it? Like that old Wyclef Album. You know he did that song with Witney Houston.""

Then I imagine the mugger would just look at me and walk away kind of bewildered and annoyed.

Anyway, I find a good song is great way to start off your day. The theme song to this old TV show, A Man Called Hawk, gets me into a good rythm to face a day of... rythmlessness as I stare into a microscope counting microscopic cells. As I walk to the bus, I sing that and it puts an extra spring in my step and my countenance becomes 26% more badass, which would bring me up to 126% badassness by the time I actually get to work.

In fact I'm quite obsessed with this song and I spend a lot of time just whistling it. So I was whistling at the bus stop, sitting down inside the shelter on the bench. I really didn't want to stop whistling even when I noticed some dude approaching the bus shelter. I really didn't want to stop grooving. I had it playing on my Ipod, I was bobbing my head and everything. I had told myself, even if he walked into the bus shelter, I would just keep whistling and bobbing my head. Surely he would be too uncomfortable to stick around for too long.

But this guy, came into the bus shelter and while I was still whistling he sat down right next to me! My whistling slowed down and I kind of looked at the guy sideways. I really didn't know who was wierder, me for whistling that 1 minute song over and over again, or him for sitting down next to someone who was emphatically whistling a theme song from an obscure 80's tv show. I kind of feel it's only polite to give someone space while they sing/whistle.

Anyway, it became far too awkward to continue whistling. I was so jaded I think I even turned off my ipod. Badassness was reduced to 0%. Way to ruin a moment random stranger. Next time I'll sing a song with some good cussing in it. That will keep people at least 3 meters away from me I figure.

Save the rod

2008-03-09T20:57:00.000-07:00

I know I make this point a lot, but it's good to beat children. I was on the metro today when some kid was apparently swearing at his mother. The mother was furious, but sadly she was also white. The punishment for her child was reflected in her whiteness, "When we get home, you will spend five minutes in your room!"

That's a punishment? It brings me back to the days of my childhood. Swift punishment in the form of spankings set me straight early on and I was for the most part well behaved. But my youngest sister. Oh man, did she used to get some harsh spankings. I'll tell you the sign of a true disciplinarian. When you're willing to spank your kids in public, that's going the extra mile. And my dad didn't care where we were. My youngest sister used to really act up when she went out and my dad would give her a good spanking, mall or no mall. My mom would make the mistake of waiting until she got home after saturday shopping to give my little sister a good spanking. My middle sister and I would see the car pull up in front of the house, Mom furiously dragging my youngest sister up to the house. We all knew punishment was imminent. And if ever you've been around kids, you know that they enjoy watching their siblings get punished. I've seen little babies marvel at their brothers getting yelled at. It's quite a spectacle.

My dad would shake his head in dissapointment. "Why does you mom wait until she gets home?" You see, when the punishment is delayed it creates an opportunity. Now the offending child can decide whether or not it is worth a day of misbehaviour in exchange for an eventual spanking at the end of the day. Usually the answer is yes, it is worth misbehaving for the day to get a spanking later on, if misbehaving is your bag. Why? Because the punishment in spanking is the shock of it, the humiliation of it. If you know the spanking is coming, it's not much of a punishment at all. Certainly a spanking is not painful. Certainly it is not as embarassing at home as it would be in public. I mean, at home, everyone's seen and enjoyed your spankings already. It's like... a rerun. A spanking is defanged without the element of surprise.

I remember my cousin telling me with a twinkle in her eye, about how she saw a black child misbehaving in public swore at his mother. That child's punishment was swift and severe. You've never seen an ass-whoopin' like this... Upside his head... Upside his nose... It was terrible I tell you... TERRIBLE!!! But, I'm relatively certain that he strongly reconsidered swearing at his mother again.

So when I see cheesiness like a mother telling her kid, "You will eventually have to spend 5 minutes in your room." I scoff. Ridiculous. Whup that kid butt for both of your sakes. Now I've had some pretty interesting conversations with people on the subject. I hate to bring race into it but, generally speaking, non-white people agree in beatings, and white people are against it. I know chinese people get some interesting beatings with bamboo sticks and fishing rods. My dad used to use the flip flops he'd wear around the house to spank us with. Relatively painless, but effective. Belts are also classic.

I've spoken to one white woman who was passionately against beating kids. Her argument was something to the effect that beating kids screwed them up somehow and spanking kids is a relic from old-fashionned religious beliefs. The passage in the Bible goes something like, "Save the rod and spoil the child." Amen. You'll notice such people are usually suckers for barely coherent articles that say things like, "Most of the children who were spanked as kids grew up to be violent, therefore spanking produces violence."

A note about studies like this. People who write such articles are usually idiots. Why? They can't interpret data. I mean, if one kid was spanked more than another, it probably means that he was always badly behaved, not that the spanking produced bad behaviour. It wouldn't be such a big deal, except if you look at society today we can see the effects of such negligent data aquisition. "So, don't spank your kids when they misbehave, give them groovy drugs such as ritalin!"

Now that I'm about to defend my PhD, I feel I have the authority to give the diagnosis for bad behaviour; Light your child's behind on fire! Give him a beating he'll remember and he'll thank you for it when he's older. Some people say the best punishment is the one that you never have to give. I say, the best punishment is the one you only have to give ONCE! That's how dad did it... That's how ethnic people do it. And it's worked pretty well so far.

TGIF

2008-03-03T20:49:00.000-08:00

I've been coughing for months. Around the winter months I do get a persistent cough which has been diagnosed as bronchitis one year, allergies another year. The point is, aside from being very annoying, it doesn't seem to be lethal and normally goes away on its own. It is this belief that saved me hours of waiting in the doctors office for them to tell me, "Oh, you have a cough caused by some ill-defined biological event. Let's call it... Greggitis and just give you some anti-biotics."

Every year people will comment on the cough, often encouraging me to see a doctor instead of blasting out atomized mucus infected with all kinds of microbes from my throat. Normally I refuse the suggestion, but this year I got a few other symptoms to go with the cough.

I first went to the CLSC. I waited for over an hour, and finally was told there were no doctors available. I did get to see a nurse though. The nurse told me I had a cough and I could see a doctor if it didn't get better. Thanks! That assessment was well worth the wait.

A month later, this passed Friday, I went to the Concordia Health center at the downtown campus. They have a walk-in clinic. I go downtown, take a number, see a receptionist and I'm told there's an hour wait. I finally see the doctor and hour and a half later and he basically guesses what's wrong with me. "Well, it's not bronchitis. USUALLY a cough like that might be caused by streptococcus. Normally I would take a mucus sample but it's Friday so... I'll just prescribe some anti-biotics." It's Friday?!? Have I been in the waiting room that long? Even so, whatever disease I have doesn't really care if it's Friday or not. What if you guess wrong doc?

Honestly, it's better than a kick in the pants at this point. I took the prescription and went to the pharmacy. I love the old myth that pharmacists can read a doctor's cryptic handwriting. Why do I say myth? Because I went there, showed them the prescription and the pharmacist there concluded that the doctor hadn't even signed the paper! I looked at it and said, "Isn't this slightly curved line his signature?" The woman said, "No, that's not a signature. Did you go to the Concordia Health Center? Who was the doctor you saw?" I couldn't remember his name. Well, remember would imply that he had given me his name, which he hadn't. This then resulted in an awkward situation of me describing the doctor who I went to see. "He was asian... either chinese or vietnamese...."

Clearly it was Friday and they weren't going to argue the point. So they made me a file and after about 10 minutes told me they didn't have the anti-biotic that was prescribed. Makes sense. Why would a pharmacy have antibiotics? I'd have to go somewhere else. But I'd make sure I got the doctor to make his signature more obvious. So I went back to the clinic. I didn't bother taking a number and just went directly to one of the receptionists. "Yeah, they said the doctor didn't sign this."

The receptionist was in a bad mood because apparently the clinic is busy on Fridays. I just look at her sitting there with a scowl. Poor lady. Life is so unfair, isn't it? There are sick people coming in and you have to do precisely what you were paid to do. So naturally she started to crab at me. "You'll have to take a number, sir."

As if I hadn't waited long enough in the waiting room to see the doctor in the first place, gone from there to the pharmacy and back just to get his signature. "No.... There will be no number taking. I've spent the better part of the day trying to get some antibiotics All I need is for the doctor to sign this paper that he should have signed in the first place and I'll be on my way."

She looks at the paper. "He did sign this!" I smiled, finally some progress, "That's what I said! Perhaps we can go to the pharmacy together and discuss with a pharmacist whether or not the doctor has in fact signed this paper."

She was getting very agitated, "I'm sorry Sir, it's Friday, and I'm stressed, and there's people here and you'll have to take a number."

"You want a number? Here's a number. 5... As in 5 seconds before I tear this motha f*#$@# down!!!" Yup, it was time for some angry Black man stuff, on the last day of Black History Month no less! How appropriate. I was about to get ethnic when a women who seemed a lot busier than the cranky receptionist accomadated me (politely, who would have figured?) and got the doctor to put a little stamp on the prescription with a legible version of his name. It took about 10 seconds. The cranky receptionist got that look on her face where you could tell she resented having the wind taken out of her sails. Like the woman who helped me went over her head or something. She looked like, "When that b**ch gives people excellent service, it makes me look bad."

So I go to a pharmacy, they make me a file. Two of them start arguing over what a particular doctor's name is on a prescription, I'm not kidding. Then more waiting. A pharmacist approaches me, "Mr. Gregg?" She's holding a huge bottle. "So, you should take these antibiotics twice a day for 3 months."

I raised an eyebrow, "3 months? That's... strange."
Her: "Yes. And the prescription is renewable 3 times."
Me: "And what exactly did the doctor say I have? That zombie virus from Resident Evil?"

The woman finally decided to stop and think for a moment. I could see the gears turning in her head. "Now let me think. Have I ever prescribed so many antibiotics before? What will happen if someone takes antibiotics for 1/4 of a year? Think back to pharmaceutical school. Ah yes... One day marijuana will be legal. It makes the pain go away. My hands are huge."

Lady! Focus! Snapping out of her drug induced reverie, the woman finally realized she had misread something and gave me the correct amount of pills to be taken for 1 week and not the previously prescribed 12 weeks. Her excuse, "Yes, his handwriting is difficult to read."

And it was Friday. Well thank goodness your incompetence only extends to dealing over the counter drugs, many of them potential hazardous to a human being's health. I hope I never have to have surgery on Friday. What if I hadn't said anything? And then people wonder why I don't like seeing doctors. The hours that I spent just to get some anti-biotics, talking to dozens of people who really, really don't care. They're just going through the motions of getting people in and out of their lives as fast as possible. Is that a consequence of free health care? I dare not speculate.

You know, I'm one of the few people who enjoys going to the dentist. Man, I went to the dentist the other day, I was in and out in less than 30 minutes. Dentists are usually funny, and they get the job done! My teeth were sparkling like a rapper's bling after he was done. And he was super excited about the thing he used to clean my teeth. "This is like a sandblaster. It contains a saline solution with baking soda. It's really efficient and reaches plases the other rubber polishers can't. It makes other polishing techniques look like a joke!" He kind of looked like William Stryker from X-men 2. He was funny and enthusiastic... A truly excellent service.

Contrast that with medical doctors? "You have a cough? Whatever... Antibiotics might help. If not I don't know what the f**k you have anyway. Maybe you have a cough.... If antibiotics fail... Meh..." Lazily scrapes a pen across a piece of paper.

Me:"Excuse me doctor are you sure you've signed this?"
Doctor: "I may have signed it. I'm a doctor not a calligraphist. Now please leave. It's midterm time and there's a bunch of students in the waiting room who want to defer exams and they can't do it without my pseudo-signature on a piece of paper."

Oh well, at least I seem to be getting better... I mean, I'm still coughing but... The doctor really gave it his best guess. I'm sure everything will be okay. I exagerate to vent my frustration, but the doctor was a nice guy and whatever... I can only imagine after a day of seeing students with minor to non-existant symptoms you must get pretty jaded. I know doctors work hard in many cases and it's probably a thankless job just like most jobs. I'd also like to point out that I dealt with 4 receptionists that day and 3 of them were really nice. I just never feel justified going to doctors. It's almost like I'm bothering them or something. Like they want some more challenging diseases to diagnose. "A cough? You're a Pussy... I'm not even going to diagnose this, there are people with real problems. Let me fill out a prescription. How many 'S's in placebo?"

Facebook Woes

2008-02-27T16:21:00.000-08:00

Facebook can be a dangerous place. I added an application the other day. Buy and sell your friends. It seemed harmless enough. Actually I guess it didn't. I was reluctant at first, but eventually decided, "What could possibly go wrong?" Seemed like a fun idea, you could barter your friends for virtual money. Shortly after adding it, I lost interest in it and it was forgotten with all the other unused Facebook applications that make their way to the bottom of my page.

One morning I received email notification that I had been bought for 561$! That seemed like good enough news. Which one of my friends thought I would be a worthy purchase? Hopefully a good looking lady, maybe Jen who has a history of adorning my wall with virtual tokens of her affection.

Alas, my buyer was none other than Travis Moon. Who the bloody hell is Travis Moon, you may be asking? That's what I asked. I went to the profile of this person, and their profile picture was that of some anime character. It may have been sailor moon. But at the time it didn't concern me. What did concern me was the individual in question, a stranger interested in anime, was interested in both females AND males. Some random gay guy bought me!!! For 561 virtual dollars no less!

Of all the lousy luck. Not that I'm homophobic or anything. Gay people just scare me is all. You might say I have a phobia of homosexuals. (I kid, I kid. Some of my best friends are gay! (shout out to all my gay peeps!!! Simon Bourque HOLLA!! (I kid again))).

But this facebook incident is totally innapropriate! And somewhat insulting. 561 dollars? I'm worth at least 5K. What if I were to go online and virtually buy some random woman cuz I thought she was hot? I'd be a stalker and a pervert and this ,that and the other! I wouldn't be able to get away with purchasing hot woman strangers! Why should gay men have that prividledge? It's a total double standard. The application should have come with a warning. "Warning: You could be purchased by a man interested in having carnal relations with other men."

Needless to say I removed the application immediately, but the question still remains. How many people are out there on facebook getting an eyefull of MastaCSG? And what are their intentions? And if their intentions are unwholesome, is it really so much to ask that I get purchased by Zoe Saldana? Or Jessic.. Jen Lee? Oh, the internet. Where else could I be subjected to such a bizarre situation? Aside from prison.

Lying using Body Language

2008-02-25T18:46:00.000-08:00

I ran a little experiment the other day at the bus stop. I noticed across the street that there's a little girl who waits in her apartment building until the bus comes. But she really comes out at the exact second that the bus comes. Knowing that this bus isn't necessarily a bus that comes the exact minute that it's supposed to I wondered to myself how it is that she knows exactly when to walk out of her apartment building, since she is unable to see the bus coming.

There was only one possible way she could do this. She must actually observe the body language of the people, ie me, waiting at the bus stop. When we begin to shuffle around and get our bags together she knows it's time to catch the bus. Smart kid. While we're freezing our butts off, she's inside warm, safe and comfortable.

So I tested my theory. One day I was the only one at the bus stop. And yes, she had been waiting inside for about 5 minutes. I was waiting with my hands crossed in front of me. I saw the bus coming and thought to myself, "Play it cool Chris. Don't flinch a muscle." The bus drew nearer and nearer, the girl apparently oblivious to its approach. A few seconds before it reached the stop I grabbed my bag and got on. The girl then ran outside, but alas it was too late. The bus driver, like all bus drivers did not have pity on the young lady, despite the rather cold weather. Though she looked at the man with despair in her eyes, he had no intention of missing this green light. She kind of pulled herself together and acted like it didn't matter, salvaging a few shreds of dignity from the completely avoidable situation. We drove off, and she was left there.

Another giant leap for science. Hypothesis confirmed. This morning, I saw her at the bus stop, bright and early OUTSIDE of her building with the rest of the scum. At least the weather was nice.

A Bachelor's Life

2008-01-29T19:34:00.000-08:00

I think it's been about two year's since I've been living on my own. I must say it's been pretty sweet so far. Oh the joy's of being a swinging bachelor.

I remember what it was like living with family. When I would go to the kitchen to have some cookies, I would have to be considerate of others and have 3 or maximum four. Since moving out on my own, there is no limit. I open up the bag and eat those bad boys right out of the package. Recently, I've even decided that it's extremely cool to put a layer of vanilla icing on Chips Ahoy, before eating them... and sometimes after. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and have potatoe chips, chips ahoy with icing and milk. And like most bachelor's I realize there's nothing wrong with having eggs and toast for supper. And if dinner comes out of a can every once in a while, it may be ghetto, but it normally saves me the trouble of cooking. I mean, who am I trying to impress? The goal is to maximize eating time, and minimize the time I spend being productive.

Of course, being a bachelor isn't all cookies and cream. I have to clean things on occasion. Oh that dreaded day when I realize I'm down to my last pair of underwear. On rare occasions it will mean that I will go and buy more underwear. But more often, it actually means I will have to do laundry. Of course I do it in a stupid man way, dumping colors and whites all into the same batch. What do I look like? Someone who's not lazy? I'm convinced that the whole concept of seperating your laundry was invented by racists. The technique has served me well thus far except on one occasion when I really decided to push it and put in some burgundy bath mats with my whites. That was easily one of the stupidest things I've ever done in my life, and this coming from someone who has mixed coca-cola and milk! Yes, living on my own means I can mix that which I have been told is unmixable, since I was a kid. Whites and colors! Coke and Milk! Nuts and Gum! Grapefruit and Cheese! The sky's the limit!

Ah yes, wandering around my "crib" (I often call my apartment my "crib") wearing little more than a housecoat, slippers, jogging pants, a t-shirt and that sweater thing that's so comfortable, singing whatever song comes to mind. There are no parents around, so I don't have to watch myself when I'm gettting really into a rap song. I rap the curse words too! Whatever is base and derogatory is not only acceptable but almost required at that point.

I'm the king of the land

I eat dinner that's been canned!

And if you don't like it!

I don't give a (Look around to make sure no one is watching).... DAMN!!!

I watch whatever i want on tv. You know what that means... You know... when it's late at night? 10pm? That's right, Sabrina the Teenage Witch on YTV. No one around to judge me. Or I could pop in a dvd from my vast, vast VAST collection of cartoons. vast...

It occurs to me that this bachelor life of mine is something akin to Peter Pan and the Lost boys. All of this freedom and the most rebellious thing I do is watch an episode of star trek at 3am... and usually fall asleep. Or photoshop my face into the poster for A Bug's life.

I hope you've enjoyed this glimpse into the life of MastaCSG. For some of you it may have been frightenning, for others it may become something for you to strive toward. But if ever you find yourself at home wondering, "I wonder what Chris is up to?" you now have the appropriate imagery to jump to whatever conclusions you find least disturbing.

Not so fun wall

2008-01-15T19:46:00.000-08:00

Facebook used to be the bees knees. Now, I get as much junk there as I do on my email accounts. The thing that is most frustrating about facebook is I don't know if people send me these things conciously or just in passing. Apparently, a friend of mine gave me a hug at some point. Was I ACTUALLY hugged? Or was it an accident, something that occured while my friend was adding an application? Or was it some kind of MASS hug. I see here that I have the option to "hug everyone". What's the point? So impersonal.

The really sad part is, I was originally kind of happy to have received a hug before I realized that it may have just been some kind of collateral affection incurred by the click of a single button. Then I wonder if I offend people by not responding. I dont' want to respond to affection that may not have been specifically intended for me. Someone else apparently "punched me in the face". What a load of garbage.

But among the things I refuse to take part in are these mass bounty hunter projects we get on the internet. "My friend has gone missing, please forward this email and maybe we'll find her." WHAT??? Who am I? Boba F**king Fett? If someone is missing, grab a cutlass, a whip, some binoculars, one of those funny hats with the alligator teeth on them, and go look for them. I'll even go with you. But a half assed email campaign demeans us all. Why? Mainly because I can't take anything I receive on my Fun Wall seriously. I mean... "My best friend went missing... If you have any heart, please forward this to everyone and we'll have a chance to find her." Beneath that I receieved a "Friendship Beer," from someone I never talk to, and above that I have a forward from someone saying if I forward there message, some starving kid will get 10 Euro.

You know how to get 10 Euro's to a starving kid in Africa? You send them 10 Euro's. It's actually surprisingly easy and RARELY has anything to do with spamming your friends and aquaintances. And if you had the time to take a picture of some meandering broad, why didn't you take the opportunity to shackle her down then and there? And how do I know these forwards are legit and not something akin to the many, "If you forward this 1 million times Bill Gates will give you his hard earned money, cuz he's stupid like dat!"

It's become far too easy to "interact" with people and not have to lift a finger. If you want to give me a hug, find me and hug me. If you want to give to charity, give to charity. If your friend has gone missing, then call me up and say, "My friend is missing... tonight... WE HUNT!!!" But I'm getting too old and jaded to sift out actual relevant concern from run of the mill time wasting. I want YOU to interact with me in the real world. If you have a friend to find, let's fine her. If there are hugs, and punches to be exchanged, let's rumble. Charity is nice, but it involves giving stuff, money or time... But please use the funwall/superwall sparingly, and only for BS that you're assuming I won't read.

Gone Post-Al

2007-12-11T20:04:00.001-08:00

Every week i need to assign a short answer question to the students in the genetics class. It has always been the worst part of my job, particularly this year. It seems they go out of their way to give me the most incoherent, wrong answer they could muster. It's like a challenge. "Chris, I dare you to fail me... I DARE YOU!!! Yeah, i wrote that genes were something you wear on your legs! I did that!"

I received a short answer question the other day where by the student tried to define what non-random mating is. I should be understanding. There is no crime in not knowing something. Or is there? When I read this particular answer I thought back to the previous week when I assigned the question in the first place. I openned the chapter we were studying to the very first page and asked a question based on exactly what is written. All they needed to do was copy that information out of the book, they didn't even have to read the chapter. But that's not all, so desperate was I to make the question easy for them, I actually told them the answer. "This is the answer class! It's in your book! Write this! You can copy out of the book, or you can write down what I'm saying right now!"

So I sit down to correct these questions and I go totally nuts. Wrong answers??? VERY WRONG ANSWERS??? How is this possible?

Non-random mating. The answer in the book: "Individuals may mate at random or they may mate preferentially with close relatives, or preferentially with individuals with similar or disimilar traits.

Among the answers I received from students, "Non random mating... When people mate outside of their own subgroup...ie.. When a Russian mates with a Chinese."

Russian mates with... Sub... group??? What the bloody hell is this??? Man, I marked up his page with some good sarcasm and condescending rhetoric. Then I got even angrier when I realized he would never read what I wrote cuz it was the last class. Sometimes I feel like emailing this guy. "Are you mental? Did you do this just to provoke me? I gave you the answer you stupid piece of s**t!"

I'm also pretty frustrated with the buses. The 162 is one of the most foul buses to drive the roads. It should come every half an hour and it can't even commit to that! I mean, fine, there was a snowstorm last week. Yet, this week, I still find myself waiting for a bus for at least half an hour. And I stand there, staring into the horizon hopefully thinking to myself, "It hasn't snowed in days. The streets are clean... I can't live like this." Then the bus pulls up, busdriver scowling. Don't scowl at me! I know this bus starts it's route just down the street. There's no reason for you to be late, and every reason for me to pummel you until I'm satisfied that your physical pain is proportional to my emotional pain resulting from waiting for your sorry behind for so long. I pay 65$ a month for this s**t, so get your mother f**king act together and drive. I mean... why?!? Why even give out bus schedules. Just give out little pamphlets. On the front it would say 162 Bus and then you open it up and it says, "F**K YOU!" No times, no street names... Just a sincere expression of the true intention of all bus drivers, in two simple words. Hell, I'd even keep it in my pocket, so when the bus actually does show up I can say, "Hey! You're right on time!" And show him the inside of the pamphlet. Then he would nod and smile and we'd be on the same wavelength for a change.

But perhaps the thing that really got to me last week, was when I had been working all day, and at around 8:30 at night, I decided to get a little something to eat. The Loyola campus where I work, has no significant restaurants. There is the vermin infested greek place, dagwoods and subway. Then finale, there is a little diner called new moon. I hate them all. But, i need to eat, no? So I go to new moon, figuring I'll get something quick. I order some hot dogs. For half an hour I wait, while these morons are chatting with each other, looking at me with big smiles on their face and telling me, "It won't be long sir!"

It won't be long? It has been long! And when i get up to ask them about my food, the cashier, as if she forgot I was sitting 2 feet away from her becomes animated, "Where is this gentleman's hot dogs?" The guy who made them for some reason decided to pack it up and put it on top of some shelf instead of the counter where the food is distributed. They give me the food and I gave that old lady such a dirty look... Half an hour... for a few f**kin' franks!

I'm the kind of person who tries to find meaning in everything. I try and justify the fact that in any given week I literally spend hours, standing in the snow, fretting and fuming, or in a restaurant waiting for ironically named, fast food. As for students, i always thought I was super patient... But when they can't just regurgitate what I said in plain english...

I wish every second of my life was packed with action!!! Constantly stimulated like James Bond... You never see him waiting around. Or Chev Chelios from Crank. All the productive things I could do with those many forfeit hours... You know what I need? A car! I could drive to the beginning of the bus route to see exactly what it is that happens between the terminus and my stop that results in a 15-30 minute delay. Then, when I find the bus parked there, with a bunch of bus drivers, reading comics or doing God knows what, I would smash the bus to bits so they would actually have an excuse to be late. Then I could run over the dumber portion of my students... repeatedly!!! Then I would turn New Moon into a drive thru. Just put the pedal to the metal and drive right through the front of it. "That's the old school s**t!" I'd declare.

Hello!

2007-12-05T17:49:00.000-08:00

Montreal always amazes me. Every year you would think that it's the first time we've ever had a snowstorm. For the past two days now the bus has just decided not to come. And you'd think I would have the good sense to go wait for the bus, the old unfaithful 162, with my Ipod earbuds firmly secured into my ears. But instead today, for some reason, I just walked out and waited for the bus leaving myself vulnerable to all kinds of... socializing.

So this guy comes up to me with a big grey moustache and stuble, the slight smell of alcohol wafting from him. I just knew, deep down in my soul, that whatever hapenned next was going to be good. I really did. I was so excited to hear what was going to come out of this guys mouth. Let me tell you, he far exceeded my expectations. He immediately starts cursing and swearing, "Where's the bus? You know, there's a bunch of people at home not doing anything. Why not pay them to clean the f**kin' streets? Hello!" He ends 45% of his sentences with the word Hello!, said in a sarcastic way. "I mean, I work every day! How is that fair? Pay some people to clean the f**kin' snow! Hello!"

I just smiled and nodded. He continued, "I'm not racist or anything but..."

YES!!! I was right! The moment someone says they're not racist or anything you KNOW they're going to go on an incoherent racist tirade. I'm such a nerd, I'm thinking, "I can't wait to blog about this guy!"

So where were we? Oh yes, "I'm not racist or anything BUT!!! I hate when Arabs tell me what to do. I go into this guys house for work, he tells me to take off my shoes! With that rag over his head and... Back in my day you'd never hear people on the bus talking arab! If I take off my shoes, who's going to protect me if something falls on my foot? A f**kin' arab?? F**k no!!!"

BRILLIANT! And he just kept going, "Listen...I don't care if you're black or white...." That's a relief, otherwise whatever you were about to say might have come out wierd and awkward.

"...But back in the day when i was in jail, there would be some white people, and like two black people... Now! There's like... 150 black people in jail! I mean... I don't do anything but I sometimes end up in jail. Man I really gotta piss..."

So he walks out of the bus shelter and pees on a tree. Grood... That's some good blogging material. Or is it? He comes back to the bus shelter, by now we've been waiting about half an hour, and then some old lady comes, and they start cursing together about the terrible bus system. She says she might just take a cab. The old man says, "Oh, if you call a cab, remember, I'm your son!" She says, "My son?? How old do you think I am? This guy (points at me) could probably be my son, though."

Agewise maybe, but even this old drunk must have noticed I'm black, even if he's not racist or anything. So finally a bus comes. It's the 105, not the bus we're waiting for. Nevertheless, the drunken fool decides to start complaining to the bus driver about how it's ridiculous, yadda yadda, we pay so much for bus passes, don't they work? Why don't they hire more bus drivers? This driver just shrugs his shoulders. What could he really say?

"F**k the bus!" the drunk said. And I was inclined to agree with him. Another 105 bus comes. "F**k!!! I'm going to high jack the bus and tell him if he doesn't change the number to 162 I'm going to beat him... You know.... Like Speed? With Sandra Bullock??? Hello!! I don't care... What are they going to do? Put me in jail? Fine! No rent! Free Food! Hey... don't worry about it."

I wasn't worried at all, but some of the ladies at the bus stop worried when the 105 stopped and he actually started yelling and screaming at the bus driver, "Hey what's going on with you guys? I've been waiting here for an hour! Where's the 162?"

The bus driver says in french, "there's a lot of snow sir, I don't know if you've noticed."

Instant swearing! The drunk starts cursing the guy's mother and all bus drivers, gives him the finger. The bus driver then puts the wheel of the bus in that neutral position then he stands up and says, "Why don't you come here and say that?"

The drunk keeps yelling and the bus driver keeps egging him on. Wow, he would have killed that drunk. He was a pretty fit bus driver. In the distance I could see the 162 coming down the street, while these two idiots really look like they're going to start fighting. People start getting off of the 105. "F**k your mother! You bus drivers are idiots! Is this a joke? Then they call me ignorant. Hello!"

Bus driver says, "You think you could do better? Why don't you go get a job application you homeless so and so..." Then finally he drives off, realizing the drunk really isn't doing anything to hinder him.

Anyway, finally we get on the 162 and the drunk curteously lets everyone on before him. I make my way to the back of the packed bus while he continues his inebriated ramblings. Finally someone shouts out, "No one is listenning!" To which he responds, "That's good. I like talking to myself." Well, that's that. Honestly, I liked that little idiot. He was a lot of laughs. Goodnight, Sweet Prince.

Then some white guy in a red coat gets up and starts rapping some song about how nobody should f**k with him and he's a soldier or something. As he leaves, an older white man says, "Rap music is an amazing embellishment (what?). It all started with Shaka Khan. (Is it a full moon tonight?)" Then he goes on a little rant.

Long story short, it took me 1 hour and a half to get home, when I could have walked it in 30 minutes.

The End

The Most Important Criterion of All

2007-11-21T05:31:00.000-08:00

This Saturday I was killing sometime, openned up MSN to discover they had finally chosen a sexiest man alive for 2007. I clicked on the link expecting to see my name, picture and reasons why I was so sexy when I see Matt Damon's ugly mug, beady eyes and all as sexiest man alive. I was somewhat irate. Is Matt Damon actually a good looking guy? I mean, is it just because I'm a guy that I can't see it?

A friend of mine, who I know has a thing for Matt Damon was pleased by this news. I told her that Matt and not Masta had been voted (chosen) sexiest man a live. She then went on to list certain criteria that were necessary for one to be voted sexiest man alive. Among those criteria was not being a thug rapper. Another was being fairly old, around 40 years old.

But she had missed the most important criterion of all... BEING WHITE!!!

My racism sense was tingling the moment I saw Matt Damon with that ridiculous simper on his face. Were there any non-white sexiest men alive? Just one... Denzel Washington some 10 years ago. For over two decades they have been choosing sexiest men alive, and only one of them was not white. I went on to tell my friend that People's Magazine was racist and so was she for supporting their non-ethnic choice of sexy men. The list is also inherently discriminatory towards the deceased. What kind of a world is this? She then argued that there are few ethnic people in the media as good looking as their most popular white counterparts.

I was outraged and embarked on the awkward and confusing mind trip that was rating the super hunks. I first looked at the list from People magazine in disgust. Even if they're going to pick old white guys, where's Captain Picard on this list? Where's Blair Underwood? I guess they discriminated against him because he has a moustache.

Then I decided to think of non-white people who should have made the list. Aside from myself, I think Tyrese... I think that's his name... The black model? Or am I thinking of Taye Diggs? He's a good looking man, no? What about that asian guy who played Seraph from the Matrix? Ummm.... The Brown Guy from Heroes is pretty good looking.

There! You can see my outrage. 20 years of sexiest men alive, and they haven't included Tyrese the black model or the asian guy from the matrix. Eff People Magazine! But I suppose that generally speaking if there's a black guy or an asian guy in a movie or TV show they are present, mostly, to be the black or asian stereotype. Black guys are around to be criminals in movies. Even Denzel! How many images of Denzel Washington do we have of him getting dragged away in handcuffs, riddled with bullets or brooding passionately in a jail cell? Oh man, does Hollywood love to see Denzel Washington's characters get in trouble with the law. Not the sexiest images, but Denzel was sexy enough to overcome it. As for other black people, they're usually portrayed as thuggish criminals, not really the good looking super hunks/knights in shining armour, who save the day and get all the ladies. Or these days doctors... Either way at some point you see them covered with blood.

Contrast that to the people on the sexiest man alive list... When you think of the white guys on the list, you immediately think of them in suits. I know I do. Several of them were in Ocean's 11, 12 and 13. Brad, George, Matt. They all got to wear nice suits. Bernie Mac and Don Cheadle were in these movies too, but Don Cheadle was some kind of engineer and where as Brad, George and Matt were in suits, seducing women and being stylish in casinos, Don Cheadle was somewhere digging a tunnel or stealing some device. Not so sexy. Meanwhile George and Brad were living it up. Where are they in this picture, by a pool or something? NOT in some freaking mine? Big surprise. I can see Don Cheadle in talks to do this project,

Don: "Cool! Ocean's 11? Do I get to wear suits and go around carousing in Casinos and hotels?"
Producer: "No... You'll be in a dark dank tunnel, while the white people are topside, making sure everything runs smoothly."
Don: "Man... This is some bulls**t!!!"

So we have miners, criminals... Black men in dresses anyone? Big Mama's House, Tyler Perry movies, Eddie Murphy movies... In fact, not only is martin lawrence wearing adress but he's holding a gun too! Not only is he demasculated but stereotyped as well!!

I'll continue to do my homework to see how I can become the second Black, sexiest man alive. This is definately something that has to change in our world... Starvation, aids, crime, poverty should all be put on the back burner while we adress this issue.

Back Dumbledoor Shenanigans

2007-11-10T10:36:00.001-08:00

He's here, he's a seer, get used to it. Recently the author of Harry Potter, JK Rowling, decided to out Dumbledore, the paternal wizard figure in the story. Apparently he was gay for some evil wizard all along.

Cheap publicity stunt? Desperate cry for attention? With that useless statement, I think Rowling joins the good company of Michael Richards, James Watson, Isaiah Washington, and all people in the last year who may have been better off just saying nothing.

But though most people would see Rowling's actions as very liberal and positive I can't help but see it as being a little too socially intense for a general audience. I mean, children read these books, do they really need to consider that Dumbledore has a desire to have sex with men? I mean.. do we really need to add bearded wizard on bearded wizard to our repetoire of socially acceptable sexual discussions? WIZARD ON WIZARD NOW??? Give me a break.

We call it being liberal. And yet I can't help but recall a few Christmases ago, when some very liberal friends of mine dragged (yes, dragged! it's a long story) me to go and see Brokeback Mountain. It was all well and good to see two men holding hands and flirting with each other, but when we had to watch them having sex, many people became exceedingly uncomfortable. One girl in the theatre actually fled as if the theatre was on fire! If they were surprised by that, what do they think homosexuality is??? Call it homophobia, call it being prude, but I do not enjoy the thought of two men having sex. Furthermore, I just don't want to hear about Dumbledore's sex life any more than I want to hear about Harry's. Can't we as a society at least agree to SOME standard of privacy and decency? Am I not allowed to feel uncomfortable with the notion of Dumbledore doing some wizard up the ass? Or vice versa?

Certainly, I think many people, religious or otherwise behave in ways that should be discussed in privacy. What if people like using handcuffs in bed? Or calculators? Or Sea Anenomes? There is in fact a society of people who have sex with horses. Do we need to discuss that too? And if that's the case, would JK Rowling be justified in saying that Hagrid is such a person who likes having sex with animals? Do we need to give that personal decision lifestyle status AND make it a topic of conversation in books and movies and tv shows? It doesn't mean we have to flaunt these things, especially in media that is intended for children. I vaguely remember when I asked my mom what gay means... It was a very awkward conversation. "But... How do they have babies? Where do they put their parts? Really? But that's where poo comes from. How do women....? Oh my..." I wonder how many parents are having that conversation with their kids right now.

Kid: "Are all wizards gay, or just some?"
Dad: "Umm... Son, there's no such thing as..."
Kid: "Gays?"
Dad: "No, gays are real but wizards..."
Kid: "I want to be a wizard when I grow up!"
Dad: "Well... don't you have a crush on little katie next door?"
Kid: "Why? Do you think I should only have sex with women?"
Dad: "You're 9 years old, you shouldn't be asking... NO!"
Kid: "Dad, can I date other boys like Dumbledore?"
Dad: "You should only date female wizards... I mean witches... I mean, whatever choice you make I'll always love... Well... not love... Just...like... You're my son... I'm going to go buy you some Playboy magazines now... Right after I kill JK Rowling."
Kid: "Dumbledore plays with boys?"

JK Rowling is Christian too, presumably she believes in the doctrines of the Bible. Sorcery is frowned upon... So is homosexuality. God must be thinking, "It's not enough that he's a wizard he has to be gay too? You really hate me don't you?"

I really wonder if there's a message here. Because if there is any message it seems to be, EVERYONE regardless of their religion, must accept that homosexuality is so natural and groovy, that we can and should discuss it with children. In my opinion, ANY talk about sexuality, should be very conservative when children are involved and certainly not put in the bizarre context of a world of wizards and dragons and trolls... and centaurs... My goodness... Now Rowling has just openned the floodgates... My mind is completely in the gutter... Troll on Centaur action?? Boy on Dragon?? Man on Boggart??? Maybe Hagrid is bi-curious with Dumbledore and a Thestral? I guess that would make him tri-curious. Did dumbldore die a few years before Harry was of age... Man... I'll never look at these books the same again. I wish I could have found out about Dumbledore's orientation when he and Gandalf appear on Oprah a few years down the line, when the Potter story is no longer fresh in my head.

Gandalf: "The Gay Wizard Night Clubs are not my scene, but when i saw Dumbldore with all that fine lookin' beard... Well... I'm only human."

Punk Kids

2007-11-06T07:16:00.001-08:00

I was about to take the metro the other day when I saw some punk kids attacking a poster with a metal pipe that they found somewhere. "LOOK AT THAT!!! RIGHT IN THE FACE GUY!!!" It was sunday night. Poor stupid kids... They can't have a very happy homelife if sunday night is juvenile vandalism night.

Last week I had to start going to work a little bit earlier, and I ended up taking the bus with the high school kids in the neighbourhood. You know what's fascinating? The meticulous way that kids sort their marijuana. They have a little case, and they often seem to be manipulating it somehow. I never quite understood what they were doing. Removing the seeds? If only they were that focused on positive things like... homework. The day after I saw that display, there was a guy who got on the bus smelling of weed and playing his DS.

I was just thinking about back in the day, there was a news story about some american kid who went to Singapore and decided to spray paint one of the cars. The punishment for that in Singapore is to beat the transgressor with a ratan stick. I have one at home. It must have really hurt. And somehow this turned into international news, whereby the kids parents tried to get him out of his just desert. I'd love to have heard the conversations between the kids parents and the owner of the car.

Parents: "Couldn't our son just apologize?"
Car Owner: "Of course he can apologize. After he gets his ass demolished and I'm compensated for damages."

I was so happy when he finally got his beating. And you know what? If you read the story, it seems that he really took it like a man. He should be proud. It's a shame that the best discipline he received in life was from an inanimate rod instead of his parents. Seriously though, the kid did have a really tough life. I don't think that means he should be exempt from caning. In Singapore, if you are on Death Row they don't even bother caning you. You're just hopeless. The kid should be grateful they even thought he was worth beating. I think there are some kids in Canada who would benefit from a good beating.

Soul Restoration?

2007-10-17T20:11:00.001-07:00

I was watching some entertainment news show a few minutes ago and was SCANDALIZED to hear that some animal protection group has a vendetta against Ellen Degeneres. As the story goes she took some dog into her home and then gave it away, which is against the rules. So they took the dog away from the family who Ellen had given it too.

Subsequently Ellen wept on her show, begging for them to return the dog to the family who had grown to love it so much. When asked how he felt about the situation the dog licked its nuts and then took a dump on the carpet.

Honestly... Maybe I'm just mean but... This is a story? There are stray cats all over the place. Ellen is crying because she feels responsible for the family's suffering. Get a life! You can aquire a new and better dog! That can do tricks, guard the house, say I RUV OOO in a doggie voice. It would save babies from fires like the littlest hobo and solve crimes like Scooby Doo. The dog they were crying about was barely the size of my fist. I can just see them winning some court case and following the judges ruling, he would strike his gavel, unwittingly hitting the dog on the head and smashing it like mound of jello.

Also, Oprah has somehow "burned out" her thyroid. I don't know what that means but she "came out" publicly about it. Then she said something about how she had to take a few months to "restore her soul". I love how Oprah is too rich and divine to take a vacation anymore. Everyone else in the world takes some time off. Oprah restores her soul. I guess they just needed a phrase that could encompass the virtual nirvanna that she attains when she's taking a bath in liquid gold, burning candles made from humback whale oil and eating saussages made from the meats of 17 endangered species.

All this to say, I think Oprah and Ellen are some terrific ladies, but I don't think these people should be using their television program to talk about their personal problems. I'm sure Ellen is very upset about this dog, but I don't think that warrants an international display of tears. And I'm sure Oprah isn't feeling so good, but she could just buy a new thyroid. In other news 45 civillians were killed in South Darfur when the cease fire was broken. 45 souls! 45 thyroids! I imagine some of the kids in those parts of the world would be thrilled to come into possession of Ellen's dog. It's probably tastier than what they usually eat... nothing!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Geeks

2007-07-15T21:50:00.001-07:00

Man, I'm so excited for this Harry Potter book next week. It's sad really... I have a bad history with these books. Every single one of them has been ruined for me. I always know who dies, before they die. Last week the COVER of the gazette had as a headline, "Is main character X really dead?" How pathetic are we that the ending of the 6th Harry Potter book is front page material for the local newspaper?

Anyway, these books have left us wondering who the unlucky bloke is who will end up getting killed in the conclusion of the series. I'm hoping it's Hagrid. What a jerkstore. For 6 years he's been endangering the idiot kids by exposing them to unnatural, dangerous creatures.

Hagrid: "Hey kids! I found a new creature. It's a radioactive, bladed, fire breathing horse. It emits gamma radiation."
Hermione: "Doesn't that cause cancer?"
Hagrid: "Does it ever!!! But it's so cute!!!"

SLIC'D Takes his head clean off, first chapter. That'll learn him.

There are also theories going around that Neville is the one the prophecy speaks of and that he might bite the bullet when he and voldemort engage in Wizard fisticuffs. I think that would be an interesting twist.

Perhaps neither harry nor Neville will die. I think a great twist would be to see a noble sacrifice by Snape. Harry becomes defence against the dark arts teacher at long last and survives for a semester, breaking the bad luck that has come with the position for so many years.

Then there's so many other seeds that she's planted. What's going on with the Giants? The Centaurs? The House Elves? What will happen to the dementors? Are the beloved characters that we lost in previous books really dead?? Is Snape Harry's father??? Hermione Harry's sister??? Cedric Diggory is actually Cedric the entertainer??? So many possibilities. Next week I will find out.. and hopefully none of you jerks will ruin the ending for me.

Masta and Vrej on Isaiah Washington

2007-07-04T20:06:00.000-07:00

Vrej says:
queer

MastaC$G says:
?

Vrej says:
hmmm So i dont get ostracized for the q word, eh? Interesting

MastaC$G says:
Isaiah washintong claims he wasn't even calling the gay guy queer. But other guy who only seems gay. Rather... He said, "you can't treat me like a faggot."

Vrej says:
yep

MastaC$G says:
effin' right you can't treat him like a faggot.

Vrej says:
nor a bitch

MastaC$G says:
eff grey's anatomy.

MastaC$G says:
I like the old stereotype, though. He can be all dignified and calm, spouting out lines about medicine... But when someone crosses him...

MastaC$G says:
Isaiah Washington: "I ain't no bitch, motha f**ka... You think I'm some kind of f**kin' faggot, f**k?"

Vrej says:
Patrick Dempsey: "No, just the regular kind"

MastaC$G says:
Isaiah Washington:"Fuck you... I'll stick my d**k in yo mama's #@%^@, bitch-a$$ n***a!!!"

Vrej says:
he draws a diagram

MastaC$G says:
Then he gets fired.

MastaC$G says:
Sandra Oh: "wow that escalated quickly. He just asked him to pass him the script book."

Should someone really get fired for that? We've all used unkind words when we lose our temper. More often I use that language simply to exercise my natural belligerence that I have to curb all day long in public. What a burden. And what a relief to be able to just let her rip and use all sorts of foul language when someone ticks you off.

Patrick dempsey and that gay guy who's name I can't remember should be flattered that Isaiah feels he's close enough to them to use such harsh language. The word faggot is a word reserved only for those I feel closest too. The people I allude to are not gay people mind you... That would be rude. You don't call retarded people retarded... You call your friends retarded when they act like retards... Similarly words used to imply homosexuality are set aside only for those who you are comfortable enough with to chastise in such an innappropriate manner. What does that imply about this blog, filled with more profanity than a Chris Rock stand up routine? It means I love all those who read it.. well, most of you homos anyway.

Fortune Telling

2007-06-26T15:28:00.000-07:00

I rarely watch the news but like many things, the news makes me angry. What's the deal with a weather report??? What exactly do you have to major in to qualify to be a weatherman? It's the only job I know where you can be consistenly wrong day after day and not be fired. A weatherman can easily give you a 7 day forecast and not even be close for seven of the seven days. "Tomorrow's forecast... 60% chance of rain..."

The next day comes... No rain... You turn on the news... "Well, it seems the rain has 'passed over' us and MAY fall somewhere in the Eastern townships." All the while they beguile us with cheesy cartoons of clouds with eyes and smiling suns. YOU WERE WRONG MOFO!!! Fess up!!! What are you paid for if you can't predict the weather? If I were to randomly guess what the weather is going to be like a few days from now I bet I would be right 50% of the time. Try me... Tomorrow, the forecast is going to be rainy... The day after that... No rain... It's going to be 38 degrees... Then on Friday there will be an earthquake and a volcanic eruption... And it will rain cats and dogs... And the rain will have cat-dog hybrid babies... and these mutants will maul the population... And if that doesn't happen, I'll collect my paycheque anyway! I'm sure there are some animals out there that are more reliable at forecasting the weather... They probably pee on the east side of a tree when the wind is going at a certain speed.. or something... Someone must have knowledge of how to predict rainfall by animals urinary habits.

Health reports are an insulting farce. Today's offering, a "report" about the benefits of a polyphenols in delaying neurological diseases. But if you watch it, there are very few scientists speaking. Just slack-jawed locals, "My dad is old... My dad drinks a lot of wine... My dad is not demented.. Therefore wine cures dementia." Cut to a scientist saying, "Wine contains polyphenols!!!" One woman even had the audacity to claim that her mother was LIVING PROOF that whatever fermented leaf, tiger urine or holy water her mother drank was what kept her mind so sharp throughout old age..

They did "interview" one scientist. They had a few shots of him using a pipette. He alluded to the fact that polyphenols may scavenge antioxidants and suggested they could make a polyphenol pill in the future.

Again... I could EASILY spout out a bunch of mumbo jumbo about anti-oxidants. But if I'm not accountable, what credibility do I have? I could say, KFC contains chicken, which contains fats. Fats are found in brain cells. Therefore KFC could cure alzheimers... I eat KFC and I don't have alzheimers. That's pretty strong evidence for my hypothesis.

You know what delays old age, in plain english: "Exercise and Eat properly." The equivalent information in a news report. "New studies reveal that GRAPES are good for you. They contain polyendoamenic acids that prevent old age."

Some hapless bumpkin: "WOW GRAPES!!! Good for you?? I'd better eat lots of grapes and I'd better eat them exclusively. And I'd better go to the pharmacy and see if they have grapes available in pill form. All the goodness of a bunch of grapes, in one convenient pill. For the on the go slob, who doesn't know any better."

The more things change the more they stay the same. The evening news portrays little more than a bunch of modern day fortune tellers and sorcerers getting paid to convince you that they know something that you don't. Sure there are a lot of facts in there, but they have such a bias slant that people are bound to misunderstand or come up with the wrong conclusions. Maybe the scientist in me makes me a little critical of these feeble reports, but what else could they show the general public? That being said, I WILL go and have a bunch of grapes right now. Grapes contain neuron "mightiers" like polyphenol.

AM /EFF 'em!! Radio

2007-06-17T17:57:00.000-07:00

Man, am I ever tired of random people calling me asking for survey information or trying to sell junk.... Normally I ask them if I could have their phone number so I could call them back. Of course they seldom allow incoming calls and after I'm informed of this, I generally decline doing business with them.

Today, I was called by someone who wanted to gather information for a survey about ratings on the radio. I was not pleased at all. I particularly hate it when they introduce themselves and ask a question right away, as if they're so fast I won't even notice the survey has already begun.

Survey Guy: "Hello, my name is Guy. We're a non-profit organization collecting information to evaluate the ratings that different radio stations are receiving-Are you over 18??"

Who said I wanted to participate in this survey anyway. I'll ask the questions if you don't mind. "Wait a minute... What interest does a non-profit organization have in getting information for a radio show?? Are you a volunteer??"

Survey Guy: "Well.. I'm an employee..."
Me: "So you are getting paid."
Survey Guy: "Well... we're part of a cooperative..."
Me: "That's irrelevant... Basically, you're asking me to do this survey, so you can collect information that has monetary value to you."
Survey Guy: "Yes..."

The guy then says that he will only take 3 minutes of my time by phone and eventually asks if he can send the survey to my house so I can fill it out and mail it back to them.

Me: "So you want me to fill out this survey for you, which will provide YOU with valuable data. What incentive do you provide for the time it will cost me to do all of this."
Survey Guy: "Well... you will be able to influence the quality of the radio programs you enjoy."
Me: "I don't listen to the radio... EVER!!!"
Survey Guy: "We need information from people who don't listen to the radio as well. Is your adress *****"
Me: "How do you have my adress???"
Survey Guy: "Phone book.. 411... ummm..."
Me: "I see... I ask you again... Why should I do this for you???"
Survey Guy: "Well, there may be a few dollars in the enveloppe if you complete the survey."
Me: ...
Survey Guy: ...
Me:....
Survey Guy: "Can I count on you to complete the survey??"
Me: "Count on me??? I guess decide when I receive the survey after I've seen what kind of "incentives" you provide. Won't I??"
Survey Guy: "Thank you, you'll be receiving the package in a few weeks."

Jerk.... I feel he owes me money for calling my house. He's already indebted to me. Now he's going to send me some freaking survey. I refuse to do it for anything less than 5$ at this point. The most disturbing thing however, is that I took the time to even converse with this guy. I should have just said I wasn't interested, and hung up. At least once a week, someone tries to get something from me for free. They're stealing my time and money simply cuz they picked my name out of a phone book. I'm mad as hell and I won't stand for it anymore!!! Radio stations now??? I have to spend time telling them how I hate that song by Rihanna that they play every 10 seconds? You want better ratings, play music that doesn't suck.

Silver lining

2007-05-29T17:17:00.000-07:00

A guy spends the night with a 5$ hooker. The next day he wakes up and finds he has crabs. So he goes to the hooker and says, "Hey, you gave me crabs!" And the hooker says, "Well, you only gave me 5$. What did you expect? Lobster?"

This weekend I had lobster. I wasn't too impressed. I can't believe people make such a big deal out of it. I find when I look at lobster it begs the question, who was the first person to decide that a lobster was edible. It kind of looks like a bug. A scorpion to be exact. It has antannae and claws. It's a truly awful looking thing. If I saw one running around for the first time I'd want to step on it, kill it and get rid of the remains as fast as possible.

A co-worker of mine told me that lobster used to be considered a poor persons food, given to prisoners and children. Servants actually complained about having to eat lobster all the time. http://www.gma.org/lobsters/allaboutlobsters/lobsterhistory.html

But now it's considered a delicacy. I must applaud the genius who decided to smother lobster in garlic butter and sell it for 30$ a pound. What does it take to prepare lobster? Nothing. You just dump it in boiling water. Basically what you have is a garlic butter delivery system. It's pretty crazy if you ask me. And pretty brilliant.

I think there's a moral here. It's like, seeing the silver lining in a dark cloud. Making something negative, positive. Lobster is basically a disgusting arthropod that people loathed having to eat. Someone put a value to it and turned it into a huge industry.

Where are the lobsters in your life? What could you do to add value to a negative situation you're in? There are things we take for granted or even look upon as problems. Relationships? Work? Faith? It's time to make lobsters out of those things. Take the problems in your life, boil them in the water of hope and smother them in the garlic butter of potential!!! Turn a 5$ hooker into a million dollar wife. Make your job at the office an opportunity to get some well needed rest. Use an unpleasant coworker as an outlet for your scorn and disgust. Lots of the things we avoid in life are opportunities waiting to happen.

Take your problems and turn them into lobster!

Props to Heroes and Sheroes

2007-04-19T20:01:00.000-07:00

My approach to life is to get things that don't need immediate attention, out of my way as soon as possible. I don't necessarily hang up my clothes when I get home. Why fumble with a hangar like a chump when there are chairs all over my apartment? There's only one of me, and two sofas, 4 kitchen chairs, and my best friend, the lawn chair in my bedroom. After a few days that chair is stacked so high with clothes it looks like the leaning tower of Piza.

I also apply this philosophy to coins. Except whereas I do hang up my clothes at some point, I have never wrapped coins in my life. EVER. And it never really occured to me that I have coins hidden all over my apartment. There was of course the pile of coins on my bureau that grows every time I come home when I empty my pockets. Jen made the mistake of offering to role them.

Well, once she started those I was finding cans full of coins all over the place... And of course there is my pride and joy, not one, but two, ghetto ziplock bags filled with pennies. Long story short, I had a little over a hundred and fifty dollars in pennies, dimes, nickles and quarters.

And it's props all around for alpha posse. Jen gets props for paying the pizza delivery guy 35$ in dimes. I don't think any man could have pulled that off. Of course the delivery did draw the line as he pleaded in a middle eastern accent, "Fine.. But ... no pennies."

Props to Rez and Jbo for bringing snacks, fancy sodas in glass bottles and pretty much everything electronic from Justin's living room. Guitar hero? Sick... But the real heroes are the people who play actual guitar. Jimmy Hendrix... John Maher? I think that's his name.

Props to Vrej for DVD player that plays Divx files. That is truly a kingly gift. And props to Dave for once again, depleting my supply of milk. If I've said it once, I've said it a million timess, it's not the Crizzouse, without the posse.

Pics available on facebook... And if you're not on facebook, get on!

Playing Randomly

2007-04-02T21:48:00.000-07:00

I can't quite put my finger on what it is that annoys me most about Facebook... I must admit I'm not a fan of the total addictiveness of it. I'm a weak man. And anytime my mind wanders it seems to wander back to facebook. Email is becoming obsolete. Even if I do get an email, it's usually alerting me that I have a message on facebook. And when I go to check that message I get a new feed about all the mundane things that have been hapenning during someone's day. I admit I often stalk other people's conversations.

Person 1's wall: "Hey I didn't see you at the place today."
Person 2's wall: "I didn't go to the place I had things to do."
Person 1's wall: "Like what? Go on facebook?"
Person 2's wall: "Yeah, facebook is super addictive. Did you see what that slut, Person 4 said to person 5??"
Person 3'swall: "Woah.. I went to High School with Person 4."

Jbo has the most exhaustive list of interests, favourite music and activities that I have ever seen on one page. And as if the dozens and dozens of songs, and movies and TV shows he puts up there isn't enough, he even has the balls to put entries like, "ANYTHING BY Ronald Dahl... for example." "ANYTHING from the 80's!" His list isn't long enough, he has to include all the music from an entire tacky decade. We discussed this phenomenon at length and Jbo concluded that having many diverse interests make him a fascinating person. To which I replied, "Wow! You like the Simpsons??? that's an AMAZING SHOW!!! You're fascinating and complex."

But the biggest Facebook grab for attention is the relationship status. Why would someone announce to the world that they're in an "open relationship"? What is an open relationship? Does it mean you're sleeping around but you sleep with one person more than others? Isn't that just not a relationship? Or a "complicated relationship"? What's complicated about it aside from the fact that now everyone knows something's going wrong? And wondering... And waiting for the day when the news feed reveals (with that tell tale broken heart icon next to it), "So and so is no longer in a complicated relationship...They are single and interested in dating individuals of the same sex..." Then I have to waste my time checking to see how their relationship is going, seeing if there are any revealing messages being exchanged between partners involved in said "complicated relationships".

And what does it mean when people say on their profiles that they're looking for "Random Play"? What is Random Play? Those two words together mean nothing to me. Then there's looking for, "Whatever I can get." I wish someone would give me one example of what they can get from facebook besides a place to flush your precious time down the toilet.

I think Facebook is one of the most interesting social experiments of our time. It really reveals the disparity between who people are, and what people want others to see. The best example is Vrej's FAVOURITE QUOTE: "Have fun!"

First of all, that is not a quote. I mean, who said that first? Even as far as a motto goes it's kind of iffy. Second of all coming from Vrej it's downright offensive.

Me: "Vrej want to go to Cabane a sucre?"
Vrej: "It's far... I already went... I need to go to city hall to attend to some paper work."

Or the yearly New Year's Eve conversation. Every year since 1998 I have this conversation with Vrej.
Me: "Vrej, want to do whatever for New Year's Eve?"
Vrej: "I'm boycotting New Years. New Years is overhyped, overrated. I'm staying home."

Or clubbing?
Vrej: "I'm never going clubbing ever again."

Want to go to the restaurant Vrej?
Vrej: "I'm trying to eat out less. And whatever restaurant you suggested is too expenisve, or too far or too unhealthy..."

Few people don't enjoy Vrej's company, but "fun" is not the first word that comes to mind when you think of Vrej. On Facebook however, Vrej, much like Cindy Lauper, wants nothing less. I think I should start a facebook group, "People who think Vrej should change his favourite quote to, "Don't have fun!""

But yeah, facebook is awful, awful stuff... To all those of you in "complicated relationships". Good luck! To those of you looking for whatever you can get, I hope you get whatever. And please, if you play randomly, use a condom.

Those bureaucrats are some crazy cats

2007-04-02T20:13:00.000-07:00

It should have been simple enough. I just needed to submit some documents for a Graduate Award I was applying for. In all fairness I was late but I was told it was okay.

So I called up the office for the people actually offering the award and naively asked the secretary if I could submit the required documents. She immediately replied, "Sure, but you'll have to make 10 copies of them."

Me: "10 copies??"
Secretary: "YES!!!"
Me: "Of everything?"
Secretary: "YES!"
Me: "Why?"
Secretary: "Because they'll all be asking for copies!!"
Me: "Really? All of them? All of who??"
Secretay: "YES!!!"

Anyway, I hung up the phone wondering if I had misunderstood something. Clearly I wasn't going to make 10 copies of the application and ask my references to make 10 copies of their reference letters. I just concluded that the secretary was completely insane and decided I would send my documents to the graduate awards office at Concordia.

I went to the wrong building and was redirected to right adress. When I arrived there I explained my situation to the receptionist who immediately donned the most dumbfounded look she could muster. "GUUUUUUUUUUHHHH???" She then pointed a trembling finger to a door behind me. There was a woman seated at my desk.

I asked her one question. She made a phone call to get the answer. I asked her another question, and she called the same person back. Finally she just took what I had and went into some dark hallway for a few minutes. While she was gone I noticed the receptionist on the phone looking very perplexed. Whoever she was talking to must have been asking her some really tough questions. "OH really? I don't know.. I don't know... That's strange.. I'll transfer you."

I can just imagine the person on the other end. "Hello... Is this the graduate awards office? What number have I dialed? What time is it? What's your name? Do you know anything?"

Receptionist: "Duuuuh.....??? Uuuurggghhh....?? I know nothing... Buuuuuhh??? I'm an idiot... Let me transfer you to someone who can help you. Gaaaahhh...." And while she warbles the frustrated noises of an over-taxed brain, her feeble mind tries to decipher the strange numbers on her phone and eventually she transfers the person to another random department where an answering machine is primed to take a message that will promptly be deleted the moment someone hears it.

Person: "I need to graduate! Help me!"
Receptionist 2 looks at her phone in disgust: "DELETED!"

The most surprising thing is that the receptionist answered the phone at all. I have never, EVER called a number at school and gotten an answer unless I was actually in a secretary's office already using their phone so that the cretin on the other end would know it was an internal number.

It would be very interesting to see what would happen if you eliminated 90% of the work force in a school. No one really seems to know anything. I mean, 3/4 people I had spoken to today were just there as foils, to lead me somewhere else. And in all of these cases, if you're persistent enough, you'll find someone who has access to the person with the brains. Some sinister mastermind who holds all the keys to solving all the problems. One day I hope to meet this person, so I can bypass all of the simple minded bureaucrats who waste hours and hours of my time anytime I need any help with anything.

The story basically ends with me going back to this lady with a completed application. The fun part is they need an official transcript. I'm told that it takes 3 business days to get. Something that I can print out on my computer right this instant in 5 seconds except it wouldn't be official. I love it.

*disclaimer* some secretary's are lovable, competent and super efficient. They know who they are.

Old School

2007-03-29T00:06:00.000-07:00

So a few days ago it came to my attention that Kardinal Offishal was going to be giving a concert at the Hive, basically a crummy hall at the Loyola Campus of Concordia. I thought he was a pretty well known rapper and the tickets were free. So I decided to go and ask a few people if they were up for it. I got responses like: "Who is Kardinal Offishal? What does he sing?" To which I would reply with a blank stare, "I'm sure you know songs by him... ummm... Money Jane? Everyday Rudebwoy?" Those were pretty much the only songs I could think of by him.

So tonight was the concert and the doors were supposed to open at 10 but they kept us waiting out in the cold until about 10:30. I was pretty irate, "Could someone please tell Kardinal Offishal some of us have work in the morning??"

They frisked us and stuff. My first thought was, "They really fixed up the hive." It looked presentable and was bigger than a lot of lounges I'd been to. My second thought was, "Why does every white person who comes through the door feel obliged to do some crazy dance move."

One white guy walked through the door and went, "OOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!" No one turned around. He skulked off in shame. Then a white girl came in and flailed her arms in a most embarassing manner that I suppose was supposed to pass for dancing. I glowered at her. She looked back at me and scurried away. I was proud of that.

11pm rolled by..... I started feeling like an old man as often happens when I'm out past my bedtime. I thought of the quizzes I needed to correct, work I needed to do in the lab. And I was losing my voice to the point where it was completely impossible to communicate. I asked my friends if it would be unacceptable to buy a girlie drink. "I feel like an amaretto sour." They said that would be embarassing so I settled for a rhum and coke. By 12:30am I felt like Kardinal Offishal was Offishally late...

I also started feeling old when I realized I didn't recognize a lot of the songs, until they played some Al Greene, which seemed quite out of place. But I was pleased.

Finally at 1am someone busts out and starts rapping. I didn't even realize it was Kardinal Offishal even after a few bars of ... errr... fresh beats? He promptly sang Money Jane and Everyday Rudebwoy, getting that out of the way as early as possible. Then he went into cheesy showman banter. I couldn't shake the feeling that he was just going through the motions of being a rapper and wasn't really feeling what he was saying, "Where my ladies at? Where my dawgs at?? Canada is good! Bush is a pussy! Throw your guns in the air! etc..."

I thought to myself what an ironic punishment it must be to be forced to live out most of your life as if it was a party, feigning enthusiasm until the wee hours of the morning, blurting out every MTV cliche that comes to mind at a given moment to a crowd so mentally crippled by substance abuse they're barely aware of who's on stage.

Kardinal Offishal: "How many of you have never been to a Kardinal show?"

*everyone raises their hand*

Kardinal Offishal: "How many of you have already been to a Kardinal show?"

*everyone raises their hand*

Kardinal Offishal: "So the set of people who have been to my concerts is the same set of people who have never been to my concert before?"

White girl: "Sorry Mr Offishal! We don't speak Black!"

Whatever... I'm getting to old for this. But I did enjoy the music. Good show I say. I will repay Kardinal for his free concert by stealing his album in the near future. He's a very talented young man.

Pussy... ... Cat Dolls (graphic)

2007-03-25T18:47:00.000-07:00

It was a typical slow evening at the Gregg household. I went to my Dad's and after supper he my sister and I flicked through the dismal television shows on his many channels. "This Pussy Cat Dolls show is disgusting!" My dad said.

I have been living under a rock the past few years and didn't even know there was a Pussy cat Dolls reality show. There's a group of ugly girls trying to be the next pussy cat doll. I guess a member of their group. The girls themselves are for the most part, dreadfully unnatractive and embarassingly untalented. The entire show they walk around wearing really short shorts, practically underwear but even this fact can't bring you beyond the fact that they're not good looking enough. I'd even go as far as to say they're kind of dirty.

Apparently last weeks challenge involved showing their "confidence" by executing a dance move that involved twirling around a pole and spreading their legs so that the audience could get a view of their vaginas (yes I could have minced words or used a euphamism but... they're the ones showing their vaginas to everyone! Don't hate the messenger.) It was quite graphic.

The show is embarassingly bad. Then before a challenge the ACTUAL Pussy Cat Dolls appear on screen to impart their words of wisdom. One of the pussy cat dolls starts talking, "One of the cornerstones of being a Pussy Cat doll is confidence. You demonstrated that by spreading your legs like a whore... Another cornerstone is... persona!"

Persona, eh? I didn't quite know what they were talking about but one of the blonde contestants was on board, "I think I can capture the essence of confidence AND persona." I wonder what the other cornerstones are? Boob grasping followed by ass slapping and graphic gyrating? Whoreism? (It's a word!)

Now I could go on about how I think this show is another nail in the coffin of the music industry's integrity. I could even wine about how I think it's a terrible example for young girls who are going to want to capture the essence of confidence by spreading their legs and subsequently capture the essence of genital herpes but what's the point? I just hope that people are keeping a close eye on their children during prime time.

A few weeks ago I was flicking through channels and I saw an episode of Family Guy that was making light of the guy's wife having an affair on him. They attempted to solve the problem by arranging for Peter to have sex with his wife's mom. The show was very, very sick... Later on I stumbled across the first 120 seconds of a show called Nip and Tuck. There was an EXTREMELY graphic sex scene during which a stripper was negotiating with the guy she was with to get a free breast reduction for more sexual favours. This was at 10pm on CTV! And the only thing that could distinguish this show from actual porn is that you couldn't see the woman's nipples. It was very graphic.

I fear for the generation of kids who are growing up watching these shows. I can't see how they can grow up right. I can see an entire generation of little girls succumbing to a culture of whoreocity (It's a word).

Bible Thumping

2007-02-16T09:50:00.000-08:00

I remember seeing this clip a while ago. There are a bunch of children at a Christian Camp and a somewhat psychotic woman is brainwashing them into believing that Harry Potter is evil.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ru7Ds2FZpVk&mode=related&search=

Wow... Someone show me where it says that children who study at Hogwarts are to be put to death? She didn't even quote the bible once. Now that's power. Just mention God somewhere and you have an argument for anything. Just last week a co-worker of mine was trying to explain why people in the states believe it is wrong to have sex for reasons other than procreation.

Here's a gross embelishment of his rant: "Yeah... Having sex for reasons other than giving birth is wrong. Aren't you familiar with that story in the bible, where God's like, 'Don't have sex unless you want kids.' And the guy's like, 'I just want to get off'. And so the guy does his wife from behind and pulls out before he climaxes. So God strikes him down... Or created AIDS... I can't remember."

I wasn't familiar with that story obviously. But it just goes to show you that people can use the Bible can be used to prove any ridiculous point even using stories that don't exist. Take the story of David and Goliath. The champion of the Israelites decides to face Goliath (who is a giant apparently) for supreme rulership of the universe.... Or Israel or Judah I can't remember which kingdom. Anyway, just when they're about to start fighting, David hurls a rock into Goliath's face and Goliath is killed. David becomes a king and goes on to murder a man to steal his wife. Read the Bible. David's kind of a jerk but we're tought to empathize with him.

He faces off with Goliath for a battle to the death and when Goliath pulls out his sword ready for a fair fight, David slingshots a rock into his eye. Is it just me or is that cheating? That's hardcore cheapshot. I wouldn't be surprised if they cut out the part where David kicks Goliath in the nuts. It's like going into a boxing arena with barbed wire on your gloves. And the moral of this story is, people who pray to God are good and everyone else is bad.

I'd like to read the Philistine's bible (Goliath was a Philistine). Just to get a non-bias view of things. "And so Goliath pulled out his sword ready to face David in hand to hand combat. The sinister David, who was 20 feet tall, began spitting flaming rocks from his mouth. One struck down the noble Goliath. But Goliath will live on in our hearts forever because he died holding his sword. An honorable death... A hero's death."

Man all the wars and prejudice you can instigate with an almost non-existant knowledge of the bible... So this is just a warning. In the near future someone will use the bible to sway your weak mind. Remember, Jesus loves Harry Potter and Goliath... and... Gollum... why not?

I say, "Ah, Washinton" :-(

2007-01-29T16:38:00.000-08:00

There's nothing like a good old insincere apology to let you know that someone is truly full of crap... And sometimes desperate. This year the media has been full of them. We've had what in my opinion was the least offensive which was Mel Gibson who apparently let some racist remarks slip while he was drunk. Then we had the most offensive which was Michael Richards who went on an awe inspiring tirade against black people later in the year. Then falling somewhere in between was Isaiah Washington who called one of his co-stars on Grey's Anatomy a derogatory word for gay people.

I find it interesting that the media chose to make an example of these people this year. But what's most interesting is the worthless apologies we get afterward as these celebrities desperately try to save their career. I don't know what Mel Gibson's apology was like but Michael Richard's was just hilarious. After saying that black people should be hung upside down with forks in their ass he claimed that he "wasn't even a racist." Of course, he doesn't have a job to lose. Isaiah Washington's going to some kind of counselling? That's interesting. It all reeks of desperation.

So what exactly are we playing at here? Are we pretending that we're a society of tolerant nice people when clearly we're a load of bigotted monsters? Do celebrities now serve the extra role of being a scapegoat for what's inside of us anyway?

I'll tell you what bothers me most. Rosie Odonnel says ignorant things every week! Most recently she said that American Idol was a show about making fun of the mentally challenged. Who is she to say the people on the show are mentally challenged? Who is she to say Clay Aiken is gay and Kelly Ripa is a homophobic? And if she's so righteous why was she mocking Asian people a few weeks back? I'd like to say this isn't another I hate Rosie rant... but for the record I hate Rosie.... rant. She can get away with being consistently ignorant now? Why? Because she's a gay, woman. The mantle of saying whatever the hell you wanted in the media used to belong to the black people. Anyone who's seen Eddie Murphy's delirious knows that. Oh, the things he said about gay people back in the day. 50 cent, Beanie man even P.Diddy have had lyrics in their music that would be offensive to gay people. But when Eminem used the "f word" he was quickly reprimanded. Ah yes, it was quite a time to be black not long ago.

But those days are over. Isaiah Washington (and Mel Gibson) was punished for saying in private what Rosie Odonnel says on a weakly basis in front of billions of people. What a world. I guess it's a good thing that we're more vigilant about what we say, but it seems like there's a lot of pressure building up. As if biting our tongues for so long is going to result in an unleashing of verbal hatred so foul it will destroy the world in one all encompassing slurr. Soon, all the bigots of the world will go into the streets and scream the word "ChakiNaggot-Bitch!!!" (that's my attempt at putting several racial epithets into one word. You like?) and all the minorities of the world will cry. Maybe everyone living in a multi-cultural society needs counselling.

Stephen Lewis

2007-01-16T19:38:00.000-08:00

So last night Jen invited me to go see a lecture given by Stephen Lewis, a journalist/diplomat etc... who is very vocal about his dissapointment in the global community's failure to respond to the the continuing deterioration of the quality of life on the African continent. He's actually very interesting and I encourage anyone to read up on him and of course, if you feel moved make a donation to his foundation.

After a quick stop to pick up some non-perishable food items for a donation we went to the Hall Building. The lecture was being given at Concordia and organized by the CSU meaning the potential for a riot was already high.

I'm very wary of these politically vocal students, not so much because I believe that people shouldn't be politically active, but rather because I believe that many students are passionate about certain issues more because they need something to identify with, some place where they feel like they belong. Which is all good except I sometimes wonder if having a bunch of emo hippy types supporting a cause is more of a hinderance than anything else. I find they lack a certain amount of credibility but that's just me.

Sure enough when waiting in line all the usuals were there. The line was full of oddly dressed, socially akward individuals who seemed to be taking the entire event as a big social event. They were cutting in line, hugging each other and giggling away at anything and everything. They all seemed to be vegan somehow. I saw more than a few people putting humus on some kind of cracker. People were told to bring non-perishable food items to the talk but I find that the receptacle for such items was suspiciously empty. Way to go ya bong smoking, hemp wearing simpletons. You showed no love for the hungry.

During the talk there was a girl in back of us who really got on my nerves. She forced laughter at the oddest times. Any time Stephen Lewis used a big word she would blast this pretentious cackle. I believe she was trying to prove to her friends (or herself?) that she had a big fancy vocabular and in actual fact had NO IDEA what the guy was saying. Finally after the talk it was time for the question period, otherwise known as, "Let's kiss Stephen Lewis' ass."

One after another, students would get up and thank him for being such a compassionate human being, before asking there question. "Thank you Stephen Lewis for being such a humanitarian... I love you so much. I tatooed your name on my vagina!!! Please remember my name!! I dont' shower because water depletes the St Lawrence, home to many organisms that need that water to live... But I hope you'll marry me anyway."

The oddest question was when this white girl got up and asked a two part question (of course).

White Girl: "Stephen Lewis I want to have your baby!!"
Stephen Lewis: "That's not question."
White Girl: "My second question is, why aren't there more black people at these events??"

As all the black heads in the audience turned around grinding their teeth, she went on a tirade of how she always goes to talks about conflicts in Africa and finds that for the amount of black students at McGill and Concordia, they always seem to be underrepresented at these talks. I was hoping a good old fashion ConU riot would ensue but alas, Stephen Lewis in a pretty intelligent way. He suggested that one of the reasons for the low turn out of African students may be that they were suspicious of what a non-Africans motives are when they claim to be concerned about the situation in Africa. He even said that they might suspect Stephen Lewis of having some political agenda.

And for that I admire Stephen Lewis. Very sincere straight forward kind of guy and obviously very perceptive. I think it shows true empathy when you can even imagine why people might be suspicious of you and just take it in stride. You can tell by the way he speaks that he is very passionate and hurt by how people are being dehumanized on the African continent.

Then one girl got up and berated us all for not signing some petition for something... I can't remember. But again... the total opposite attitude. No empathy, just an accusatory, self righteous emotional outburst to an audience who was probably unaware that there was any petition to sign. I certainly hadn't been aware of any. Besides, I always wonder what happens after a sign a petition. What power does a petition have? Has a petition ever accomplished anything aside from alleviating the guilt of an over-priviledged North American population?

Of course there were lots of people there and not all of them looked like naive flag burners. Stephen Lewis' talk was really interesting. Of course a lot of the impact of the talk came from the details and the numbers he was able to throw at you. Did you know that the US spends more than 8.5 billion dollars a month on the war in Iraq? A MONTH! Lewis brought this up to emphasize the point that the war on Iraq has become an excuse to reneg on all the promises that were made to fight certain travesties that take place in Africa. To name a few, the maternal death rate, sexual violence, hunger, AIDS and other horrors that may or may not come as a surprise to you. It's worth learning about. I do hope people with some clout and some power can get on board with his kind of thinking and make a difference.

The Spy Who Thugged Me

2007-01-09T18:58:00.000-08:00

It was an odd day in the lab. Rather an odd half day. I had started relatively early to finish off an experiment when at about quarter to 10 a security guard came into the lab and said, "Don't wander off too far. We're looking for a 'suspect'."

I was showing someone how to do the experiment I was doing and we looked at each other. "Was that a joke?" Regardless I continued walking around doing my work as if nothing was going on then I commit the ultimate sin... I wandered off too far. I went to the third floor to make photocopies for the student I was working with while she went to her locker. The third floor was almost completely deserted. Then I hear, "Madame il faut sortir!"

Apparently someone had escorted the student away. I was left stranded. Lacking any better ideas and not wanting to go outside in the cold I went back to the lab where I spent the next few hours mostly alone. A guy from the lab next door gave me the summary of what was going on. Apparently a janitor called to say that someone wearing army fatigues was carrying a suspicious looking bag. A bag that COULD contain a gun.

Of course it could have contained a lot of things... Books, kittens maybe lunch. Anyway, whatever was in the bag, the entire school was evacuated leaving only a few zombie like scientists roving around on the fifth floor. It was funny how I ended up being the only person in the lab. I got a few phonecalls from people asking if I was alright. I heard ambulances and things in the background. Someone actually called to ask me to tend to their experiment, which I found somewhat inoble. My life could have been in danger after all.

My mind started to wander as I started to imagine what kind of heroic feats I could describe about how I dispatched with the gunman. Then I started thinking about James Bond and how cool James bond is and wondered what bond would do in such a situation.

Then I thought I should write and produce an "urbanized" James Bond movie called, "The Spy who Thugged Me." I like the word "thug" as a verb. Very versatile. I immediately thought of the Jay Z song where he says, "Yo I, Thug em', f**k em', love em', leave em' but I don't f**kin need em'!!!"

What does thug mean in that context? During my inexorable descent into madness I imagined all my friends outside, partying it up getting all excited about the minor drama taking place. I was trying to figure out how there was absolutely no one else in the lab at that time. Honestly I kind of enjoyed the alone time. Perhaps I should take the opportunity to... remove all my clothes? Sit in the lab naked??? This would be my only opportunity...

But before I could undo one notch on my belt my supervisor came into the lab and described to me what had been going on outside. Cops and guns and ambulances and a huge media circus. And what did they find out? The mysterious bag contained what appeared to be a pair of kendo sticks. Makes sense, they offer a kendo class across the street.

People are saying it's good that people are so vigilant, but i wonder now. All it took was a 9-1-1 call to basically shut down the entire school for the day. It doesn't seem very efficient. If I didn't want to go into work all it takes is a 30 second phone call to shut EVERYTHING down? I suppose it's better than people getting shot but then it also occured to me that if someone really wants to go on a shooting rampage, then there's really nothing anyone can do to prevent them from doing just that? I mean, the gunman just has to have better sense than to go into school with something as large as bazooka, maybe he could wear something less conspicuous than army fatigues like say... some unremarkable shirt from the Gap.

All this to say, all that hooplah for nothing. If someone was going to get shot today, I don't think all of this would have made much of a difference. I think the best prevention is to assign every school an emergency James Bond. And as I was at ground zero during this incident, I think I'm the most likely candidate for this position cuz ...

Noboday does it better
Makes you feel sad for the rest
But I'm MastaCSG
The spy who thugged thee
And I'm keeping all the students safe tonight!

Pillaging in the Ghetto

2006-12-06T20:24:00.000-08:00

There are upsides to living in the ghetto and being friends with the Janitor. First off let me say the new Janitor is awesome. The building is actually clean and he put up Christmas decorations in the lobby. He's Cote St-Luc's leading supplier of Pron! Also of interest about the Janitor... He believes the story of King Arthur is true. While pouring through my collection of movies he came across king arthur and like most crazy people felt compelled to give me his point of view on this contreversial subject. "You know it's based on a real story!!!" he declared. What a guy.

Anyway, after a recent visit to my apartment to aquire some movies, the Janitor told me about a vacancy in the building. It was a Thursday and scrubs wasn't really holding my interest so me, the Janitor and his little son went to the apartment and began pillaging....

Oh what lovely treasures were left behind in the now nearly vacant four and a half down the hall. Office chairs and... a black folding chair... An aquarium and tables and stuff. Oh and a lamp. I casually mentionned that I could use an office chair. The Janitor nodded solemly but said nothing.

Until today! He asked if I wanted some stuff. So I went and took things like a common viking, looting pillaging and yes... raping all that was left behind in the apartment!! Now I sit in this luxurious office chair with all the office chair functions a Masta of CSG could ask for. It's good for sitting on, leaning on. It has arm rests. It can be deployed at several heights and I have yet to examine if it has any reclining function... let me check....

It has no reclining function.

I also tiefiscated a lamp that I have no use for and a derelict black chair... For sitting! The Janitor also asked me if I wanted the abandonned aquarium. I laughed at first then thought to myself... the price is right...

Anyway, just a quick post to express my grattitude for my Janitor's Jawa-esque culture.

Oh, and also I'll be off to San Diego by Friday. I'm going to a Cell Biology Conference to present some research. Incidentally, temperature there on Friday: 21 degrees Celcius. Temperature in Montreal: High of minus 7. I imagine that will make your orifices pucker and your genitals wither!!!

Have a nice weekend, jerks!!!! If you survive, feel free to leave a message.

From Monty Python and the Holy Grail:

Arthur: I am your King.
Peasant woman: Well I didn't vote for you.
Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well how'd you become king, then?
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by devine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I'm your king.
Dennis: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: You can't expect to weild supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur: Shut up!
Dennis: If I went 'round sayin' I was an emporer just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

New Hobbies

2006-12-05T16:33:00.000-08:00

I really think I would like to get into some more extreme type sports. Man, I'd be ... errr.. the man, if I were an expert Polo player... But not just any polo... ELEPHANT POLO!!! I imagine that would be exciting. Maybe not so much for the elephant... What do you think goes through an elephants mind while playing Elephant Polo? "Man, I hate human Polo. This game is super lame. I wish I worked in a circus..." The horses probably aren't too pleased either. "What the hell??? Polo is our sport! This is makes me as uncomfortable as Jack Nicklaus when Tiger Woods started playing golf!"

Also, since last week, it's also been my life long dream to become a free runner. You know those guys who jump across rooftops and stuff? The idea is to make your entire environment an obstacle course. I think I might drop out of school to pursue this. I bet I'd be sick at free running! Watch the video! The guy starts climbing buildings and stuff... Like... spiderman! Or the matrix!

They're actually starting a free running club in Toronto. But I'm a strong believer in going to the country of origin to learn something. That's why I sent Jen to Bangkok!! I want her to come back and make me the best Pad Thai I ever had! As for free running I guess I should go to Europe. And elephant Polo... My understanding is that's popular in Nepal.

So yeah.. Don't stand in the way of my dream! Please send a cash, check or money order to MastaCSG. As I said, Snake Charming is my life long dream and I need to be funded. Do it!

THUG!

2006-11-29T16:16:00.000-08:00

I have to go on another bus rant. Have I ever mentionned I hate the kids on the bus when I'm coming home? Always cursing and swearing and ignorant. I was on the bus with a friend the other day when some girl was talking about the new Nintendo. I think???

Girl: "You know that game... Where you hunt the ducks??? What's it called?? Duck.... shoot??"
Me: "DUCK HUNT YOU STUPID KID!!! IT'S A CLASSIC GAME FROM THE 80'S!! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!! I HATE YOU ALL!!!"

I was arrested for scaring all the children. Upon my release I found myself on the bus again. There was one kid trying to explain some kind of hooliganry he had engaged in this week. He was showing some of his idiot friends something.

Stupid kid: "Yeah... then I showed my friend jerkface and he's like... What the f**k??? And I punched him... and he punched back. And we got into a fight. And the principal shows up.. And he's like... What the f**k?? and everyone hates me..."

But the winner of the stupidest kid I've ever seen in my life, goes to the white kid I saw on the bus today. The kid was wearing the usually baggy clothes associated with rappers on MTV... Let's say he was about 14 years old. The kid was wearing a grill... That foolishness you put on your teeth and the BEST PART... An earring that looked kind of gold. The earring said THUG.... That was the best thing I've ever seen. I wanted to slap the kid in the face just to remind him that he's nothing, certainly not any kind of thug. And then walk off the bus.

Anyway, thanks stupid kid. I know what to get Jen for Christmas. An earring that says THUG. You know you like it!!

"If people would only look to the cookie!!!"

2006-11-20T21:47:00.000-08:00

In the interest of freshenning up the new blog, I think I'll post something new. Gregg factor is not about these, Dora Dildos and... butthole pleasures... Dirty Sanchez and the hot carls and the rusty trombone and the hanging brain! It's about racism.

And so it is my duty to write about Kramer going on that racist rant the other day. For those of you who hadn't seen it, Kramer from Seinfeld started yelling at a bunch of black guys who heckled him at a comedy show the other day.

http://edition.cnn.com/video/player/player.html?url=/video/showbiz/2006/11/19/b.anderson.nword.cnn

It's pretty awesome when you think about it. I admire the guy. Not too many people would have the balls to go up on stage in front of an audience, apparently with several black guys and say what he said. The most offensive part of all of this is his apology on David Letterman. He says, "The worst part of all of this is I'm not a racist."

???

Ummm... Once you say that once upon a time black people would have been hung upside down with a fork stuck in their ass for interrupting a white man, you're at least a little racist, no? I think at that point you just have to flaunt your racism. Embrace it. He should have gone on Letterman saying, "I regret nothing... This is my position and I stand by it. Black people who heckle white people should be lynched! I'm Michael Richards; Racist."

It's pretty sad when you realize that on Seinfeld he was the open minded character. He had the black lawyer, the black girlfriend in one episode. Imagine all those black people now who had shared a scene with him.

You know, the best thing he could have done is pretended he was on drugs or something the next day and go into rehad. "I was just going through some thangs, that's all!" Lay low from a little while and then emerge and all these problems would go away.

Meanwhile, Rosie Odonnel is "defending" Clay Aiken?!? Apparently he was co-hosting Regis and Kelly with Kelly. And during the show while Kelly was talking Clay Aiken put his hand over her mouth and Kelly didn't like that and said so on the air. Rosie Odonnel is "sticking to her guns" claiming Kelly Ripa's reaction to Clay Aiken putting his hand over her mouth was homophobic.

People are so afraid of hatred. Racism, homophobia (fear of... one?) and I think the reason is really that it's human nature to be prejudice. When we see it in other people we want to deny as much as possible that it exists in ourselves. The fact that Michael Richards said he's not a racist is HILARIOUS to me. And the fact that Rosie Odonnel said Kelly Ripa is a "homophobe" cuz she didn't appreciate Clay Aiken clasping his filthy hands over her mouth is equally HILARIOUS.

People are in denial. God bless Kramer for his hateful, cathartic racist explosion. It's kind of sickenning, but it's kind of a reality check when people just go nuts like that. Shows us what's inside just how bad people can be deep down. I mean sometimes people let the N-word slip, but he went on an all out hateful rant!!! CRAZY!!! Did you see some of the audience? Sure most people were horrified but Some people not sure if they should keep laughing. "Hanging black people?? Kramer's right! We were all thinking it!!! LET'S DO THIS!!"

And a pox on Rosie Odonnel for trivializing prejudice by pointing a finger at someone for not wanting to be molested by some random dude, who hapenned to be gay. I think the only suitable punishment for Rosie Odonnel having the balls to exist, is to have her cloned, so that the clone can make sexual advances on Rosie Odonnel. Then they'll be forced to have a relationship and listen to themselves talk so they can realize just how vile they are. Oh yeah, and she'll have to have sex with herself. That's the only way she'll learn. I can just see her in the shower after the experience, "Wow... That was really disgusting... and annoying."

I really don't like her... NOT cuz she's a lesbian. I love Ellen. I have loved Ellen. She's so sweet. Some of my best friends are lesbians, really.

....

I don't know any lesbians... Alright, that was in poor taste... But the worst part of this is, I'm not a homophobe!!!

*Vrej, I really don't know how many D's are in Rosie Odonnel but I"m sure you'll tell me if I've mispelled it. I refuse to look it up. But whether the name takes double D's, or C's... Quite frankly I like to think of Rosie Odonnel's breasts as little as possible..*

Pronography

2006-11-06T17:53:00.000-08:00

I knew it would happen someday... I was going to just post it as a message but I think it's worthy of an entire post. I got home from work late and saw the janitor waiting in the lobby. The usual type of conversation ensues.

Janitor: Hey, I was just at your apartment I wanted to give back your movies!
Me: Cool, it's no rush.
Janitor: Have you seen Mission Impossible 3?
Me: Yes?
Janitor: Have you seen that movie... ummm... little man???
Me: No but... that REALLY doesn't interest me...
Janitor: Have you seen... oh... horror movie...?
Me: :-
Janitor: Mmm... What about Prono??? Do you like Prono??"
Me: What???
Janitor: Prono... I burn Prono DVD's for my friend.."
Me: Pro.... OOOOOHHH... Prono... As in Pronography. No thanks, I don't want any prono...

I was afraid he would start offering me pronography. From the moment he started offering me movies I knew prono would come up. Of course, it's for his friend. I'm sure he doesn't watch any pronography .

Moi, c'est le ghetto dans mon jacques cartier

2006-11-01T20:10:00.000-08:00

It's been over a year since I've been living on my own. The conditions have been steadily deteriorating since new management took over. The last straw for me was the lack of heat on several occasions. So I called the building manager, yelled at him and sent a registered letter. Not more than a week afterward, the manager was fired and the old janitors were replaced.

Too good to be true? Of course... I rejoiced on Saturday when gales of heat fountained out of the radiators. I was pleased when some... random... old guy came to my apartment to make sure the heat was working. But I was somewhat confused with why the janitor was there. The janitor is an Indian guy, pleasant enough with a typical indian accent. He's probably about 30 years old. He usually smells of cigarette smoke.

So the random old guy checks the radiators and approves. The janitor is suddenly looking at my movie collection. "You like movies?" he asks... I respond that I do. He then starts reading titles. "I love movies... My entire storage space is filled with movies... Anytime you need anything just let me know... Have you seen that movie... The Inner... Man... Insider? Man.. With ... Dezzel....actor..."

Anyway, he goes on about his creepy movie obsession and then leaves. Later that evening, the doorbell rings. Someone shows up at the door in a Domino's Pizza uniform. I didn't order any pizza. I open the door, not recognizing the goofy guy at first. Of course it's the janitor, allegedly here to check the radiator again. sigh... He busts in and finally asks what he's been dying to ask me all along. He wants to borrow movies. Damn... it begins...

He borrows Anchorman and Bad Boys 2. Fine whatever.

Today is November 1st. He wants the rent of course. I see him in the hallway bringing a couch downstairs he tells me he'll be up in 20 minutes to get the rent. He shows up at the door, I have the check ready. I intend to just give him the check and go back to my business. He returns anchorman and bad boys 2. But the poor janitor is now thirsty.

Janitor: "Hey... do you have a glass of water?"
Me: "Actually I..."

By the time I turn around he's already perusing my movie collection again. At least he takes off his shoes. I hand him a glass of water (a glass which will be discarded).

Janitor: "Do you like Blade movies??"

Oh no... Not blade... My favourite vampire hunter... My hero.

Me: "Yeah, I love them... Not so much the 3rd one but it was still good."
Janitor: "Could I borrow Charlie's Angels and Blade 1 and 2 and 3."
Me (scandalized): "How about you try borrowing 2 at a time for starters."
Janitor: "Okay, Charlie's Angels and Blade 1 and 2. I'll bring them back tomorrow."

I"m thinking that's still 3 movies. But whatever... He brought back the last movies and I really just want him to get the hell out. "Fine, fine..." Then he starts offering me stuff, "Do you need a clothes umm... cupboard? Some night tables?"

Me: "Ummm... I... don't... know..."
Janitor: "Do you need mission impossible 3? 5$!!! I get hooked up because I run a video blablablablabla..."

5$ for mission impossible 3?? How about 0$ and you get out??? What the hell is going on here? When did this man become a part of my life?? I thanked him for his generosity and ushered him out of the house. But here's what really bothered me.

1) He's borrowing my movies
2) He's burning them and running some illegal movie piracy business
3) He has the brass balls to charge me 5$ for a pirated movie???

It is official. This building is now the archetype for all things ghetto. I really want this to end. The rent is good though. The apartment is nice. It's hard to give up. But... it just feels so wrong to be part of this guy's little movie piracy hustle. Especially since he's not giving me a cut. What do I do? Confront him? Or just wait until he has gone through my entire movie collection so he'll lose interest in me? What a bother...

Degeneracy Revisited

2006-10-26T18:33:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing that makes me lose faith in humanity, it's people who can't open the back door of the bus. I've written about this before. Nothing makes me so angry as people who can't figure out that the back door to the bus works with motion sensors. If there are stairs, walk down the stairs, if there's a big hand drawing on the door you put your hand on it and magically the doors open and you can be free of the bus.

To this day there are still people who can't figure it out. They walk up to the door and just stand there helplessly. Then people wonder why bus drivers are so bitter. It must feel like some kind of horrible punishment to have to chauffeur the unworthy around town. All the obnoxious yelling, cell phone ringing and noise to bring someone to a place that couldn't possibly improve their life. I mean, if they can't open a door, where are they going? Really?

You'll notice that generally people who can't open the doors are slightly older so maybe the answer to life's problems lie in future generations. We can place our hopes on the children. Today I saw a bunch of bright students on the bus from the local high school. They were all dressed in uniforms, trying their best to make the uniforms look as slovenly as possible. One of the students, I'm guessing around 15 or 16 years old was sitting at the back and some of his friends showed up. He saw this as a chance to show off and suddenly became very loud. He decided to pick his friend's brain with this hypothetical scenario.

"Imagine you got a date with Jessica Alba... Somehow you managed to get a date with the hottest woman on earth. And you show up to her house, go into her bedroom and you find her lying in bed naked. But here's the catch... She had a heart attack 2 minutes ago... Do you still have sex with her?"

Yes, I'm sure you're just what Jessica Alba is looking for in a man (seriously though I hear she's pretty slutty). The other troglodytes began asking for details, how long has she been dead, when is someone considered officially dead. One of the kids explained that it takes 12 minutes for a body to be completely dead so he would probably try to finish with her before she was "actually dead". The elderly people on the bus were not pleased and the younger people were traumatized.

Anyway, the reason I called this post Degeneracy Revisited is because it is the name of one of the sections in the textbook. I'm supposed to teach the students about how the genetic code is degenerate meaning many genetic “words” can code for the same amino acid. I'm imagining all the students who read book after book, and spend years in school and still the world is in a pretty sorry state. And that's simply because there is no cure for stupid. These kids from the hight school in the area could spend the rest of their lives in school and they'd still be a bunch of cretins. They litter and speak profanely!! What if I end up TAing one of them??? It just bothers me to think of educated people who could shoot off some facts about science or commerce or economics. But they'd still be grotesque simpletons.

So I transferred buses and at one bus stop you could hear the pathetic cries of someone at the back. "MONSIEUR!!! MONSIEUR!!!" I turned to look at the bus driver. I've never seen so much venom as he muttered under his breath, "Mets ta main sur la porte petit *grumble grubmle*" And when I looked back I sawthe little kid from the other bus who asked us all to consider the deepest of philosophical questions, "Would you do Jessica Alba if she was dead?"

And with his vast battery of knowledge about forensics and god knows what else they learn in school, our degenerate necrophiliac was still unable to open the bus door.

Vrejstravaganza

2006-10-22T08:50:00.000-07:00

The posse came over for Vrej's birthday. We watched the hockey game (Habs won 8-5 which I understand entitles us to free food at Cage Aux sports though I can't find the site). We played video games namely Halo. Ordered massive amounts of food and ate cake.

Behold, Marie Eve's latest cake, an endeavor that took her 5 hours to create! Marie Eve tells me that Mario actually has 2 moustaches. You don't want to know where the second one is. Thanks for the tasty treat... (though if Memory serves mario has an 'M' on his hat... How about a little effort next time, huh??? I'm kidding, beautiful cake. It was a work of art).

It was cool that lots of people showed up to the Crizzouse for the first time. Amish, Milen and Kevin were Crizzouse come by anytime people. When you're at Crizzouse, you're family.

Among the no shows were Mo. What the hell Mo??? People were also asking where Jen was and if she really exists at all. Marie Eve, jaded at being the only girl present at most of these events that normally involve Halo and other video games, was particularly curious about the wereabouts of this "Jen" character. This resulted in an uncomfortable conversation with Jon.

Jon: "Where's Jen?"
Me: "She's in Korea."
Jon: "Sure she is... Is she coming back?"
Me: "Yes..."
Jon: "When?"
Me: "Before Christmas..."
Jon:"...."
Rez: "You don't really have a girlfriend do you?"
Me: "I do! She called me from Chicago!"
Jon: "I thought you said she was in Korea."
Me: "Oh.. yeah... I always mix up Asian countries."

It's kind of ironic because Jen doesn't believe I have any friends either. It's kind of like the Big Bird/Mr Snuffleuppagus drama. For those of you who remember, in the early days, no one believed that Big Bird had a friend named Mr. Snuffleuppagus because he would run away whenever people showed up. Of course eventually people saw Mr. Snuffleuppagus and knew that he existed.

But what if, unlike Big Bird, I'm just crazy. Maybe I have no friends, girl or otherwise. Maybe I imagine these elaborate evenings and all the people I think are closest to me are figments of my imagination. Maybe I have some kind of multiple personality disorder that manifests itself as me photoshopping imaginary people into my pictures and posting messages on my blog under different names. What's even wierder about that is, some of my imagined friends don't believe that other imagined friends exist!!! That would be creepy. An imagined social life. I know there's a movie plot in there somewhere.

Anyway... Happy Birthday Vrej? If you truly exist, I hope you enjoyed yourself. Always a pleasure having you guys over.

The View...

2006-10-16T15:37:00.000-07:00

So at the dear request of Chris, I have the honour of posting on his blog. As most of you know, I'm in the process of convincing Chris that only masculine men wear pink shirts. He refuses to believe me...but i don't care because he is gonna get a pink shirt and wear it.
Last night, my girlfriends and i busted in at Chris' luxurious crib and i gave him 5minutes warning before i broke the door down. He later told me he felt like a housewife being called by her husband and having to clean the apartment in less than 5min. I obviously felt powerful... I also must mention on a side note that Chris and i went out Saturday and i made sure to tell him i was only taking him out of the house because the metro was free and he wasn't costing me any money. So going back to my girlfriends and i busting into Crizzouse.

*******************

My apologies for the intrusion. Jen is not only busting into my crizzouse unannounced but also intruding on my Blog. Last night was honestly like a bad episode of the view. She brings all of her friends and they start talking a bunch of raunchy stuff in my presence. One of her charming friends even shared with us, that her boyfriend's member was 9 inches long. They went on to describe that this was not an exageration, but rather something that was meticulously measured using a ruler.

This must not happen again in the Crizzouse. Nor will this ever happen on my blog again. This relationship is turning into a very Ike and Tina-esque situation. With JEN as Ike!!!

I now bring you back to our regularly scheduled blogging agenda.

Summer-y

2006-09-27T19:21:00.000-07:00

My most humble apology to all of you Greggophiles out there(Factorphiles?). Work's been pretty crazy and it takes some time and effort to format these pics.

So lots of people ask me, "Hey Chris, what did you do over the summer?"

Actually no one has ever asked me that but I will answer the question anyway. Here is a summary of my summery adventures (for those of you who didn't get the AMAZING pun in the title).

One thing that was different about this summer was that we had actual birthday parties. Where once upon a time we would just go to a movie and dump gifts on the person in question, now we actually get personalized cakes courtesy of Justin's woman, the very talented, Marie Eve Bernier. I find it funny that in old age are birthday's are regressing to elementary school style parties.

There is the Belle Cake for Masta's Bday.

And the Chu Chu Train for Kenny Chu's birthday, right on schedule.

And there is the Wrestling Arena for Jbo.... That is to eat...

I took a trip out to the country to visit the old Thetford Mines. This time Marie Eve(Leblond) and I visit the actual mines and got behind the wheel of some of the monster machines they use to mine all of that sweet, sweet asbestos.

This wheel costs more than what I make in a year if I remember correctly. Here's Marie Eve trying to find a way to take it home and make a profit. I know women can fit lots of stuff in their purse but this is ridiculous. Furthermore, I have never known Marie Eve to carry a purse.

People in thetford believe things like this...

I don't know... maybe. But steak is more delicious than asbestos.

Not to be forgotten are the biowives who were upset that I didn't put this picture up in the Bahira Cristina birthday post. Always eager to accomadate my waxing ego, they call this the pimpin' picture.

Viv and I. Viv can be so badly behaved sometimes. Can't take her anywhere!

And finally, the ultimate cheese, Toron Sci Fi Con. I'll put a few of the least disturbing pictures of that experience.

Here's alpha posse at the aptly named "Cool School" where we listen to comic book artists and writers talk about their craft and we rubes learn how to become comic book artists. Note how attentive Vrej is. He realizes that this is the big break he's been waiting for. He subsequently asked Michael Bendis, artist of the recent spiderman series, out on a date.

I don't know why I loved these two. I think we should all hope to be in a relationship as healthy as the one that Mario and Princess Toadstool share. Though for some reason at first Anthony thought that these were a pair of lesbians.

This guy was the belle of the ball in a Spock costume. Not just any Spock costume, but a Mirror Universe Spock costume. Could he have more creed?? Doesn't he just scream, "This is the best day of my life!!!" The sad part is... It probably was.

This guy was always alone for some reason and eager to pose at the drop of a dime. How shocking that he should have no friends.

Me trying to pose like Yoda. How shocking that I should have any friends.

Star Wars Posse. Nice costumes. The plasteel armour on Obi Wan was a nice choice.

An interesting Meal in the hotel Lobby. We fiended on that swill, right out of the box like the swine we were.

Sci Fi Con was fun. I mean... It's the geekiest thing ever!!! But I haven't been in a while. And it was a chance for me to network with other artists so in a way, it was work!

Don't judge me.

Most surprising was Anthony's two lady friends. We went out to desert one night, and the next night one of them was mysteriously absent. Who wouldn't want to hang out with some studs like us?

Anyhoo, that was pretty much the summer. Hope you enjoyed reading about it as much as I enjoyed being about it. And now as the weather becomes colder and colder and the work hours become longer and longer these precious memories slide through the meninges of my cerebral cortex like sand through the tiny fingers of a newborn child. I leave the warm embrace of summer to be groped by the bitter chill of autumn.

I'll spare you all the vulgar winter metaphor... Want a hint? Winter is a dude in jail!!!

God Preserves the Ignorant

2006-08-29T08:12:00.000-07:00

I remember one day after school one of my sister's claimed they had learned something fascinating. The muscles of the esophagous can work against gravity when swallowing food. To prove this my sister was going to chew something, stand on her head and have the esophagous work the morsel of food into her stomach. My mom's first reaction was, "I don't really like that idea. Won't you choke?" My sister reassured her and my mom simply shrugged and said, "Oh well, God preserves the ignorant."

It's a phrase that always stuck with me and a few sisters later, I still think of it when I see someone doing something particularly dim witted. And a dark part of me watches in fascination hoping that maybe this time God wouldn't preserve the ignorant.

So this weekend after going to a Greggscellent restaurant with Viv and Jon (Garde Manger, I highly recommend it. Owned by one of the stars of the show Instant Star) We went down to the area around Palais Des Congres where Viv said we absolutely had to see this fountain that spews out fire.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_Joute

It's a beautfiul work of art called La Joute and apparently it's been in the area since 2003 and I've never seen it. So we got there at about 9:30 and the fire is supposed to start at 10. So we wait around, people start gathering around waiting for the fire. Before the fire there's a mist cycle. Grates all over the park release mist, sometimes so thick you can't see where you're going.

As 10 pm approached I found myself questionning the wisdom of having a live fire in a park. Doesn't seem entirely safe. It does however seem very espensive. Jon tells me the sewers in Montreal are a mess! Have you noticed how the streets often flood when we get a lot of rain? Oh well, who cares about the Bubonic Plague that may result from poor drainage.. Let the Ninja turtles worry about that. We have a flaming fountain in town!!

And as the minutes passed we kind of backed away from the fountain. Others did not. By about ten minutes to 10 a bunch of gangly punk kids showed up, some smoking weed. I imagine they were looking for a place to light up their crack pipes.

Phil the pothead: "Hey guys, do you have a light?"
Craig the heroine addict: "No... But we could go light it up at the Joute!"

Already drunk, one guy kicks off his shoes and decides to have a dip. This idiot is walking around in a fountain that's about to start shooting fire at 10 at night! There was a security guard who came out (obviously this man had a moustache) and began making the place secure. He sees the guy in the fountain and starts going, "Hey.. Hey, Hey.... HeyHeyHeyHey... Hey..Hey.. HeyHeyHey." for about a minute. The punk didn't look like he wanted to leave.

Now there was this evil part of me that really wanted to see this guy catch fire. I'm sorry to admit it. But it would have just made my day to see this work of art burst into flames with this simpleton roving around in it. "I'm not going anywhere, eff you security guard! King Kong ain't got s**t on meaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

I don't think I would have done anything to help him. "I don't know art, but I know what I like!"

But as my mom said. God preserves the ignorant. Perhaps the security guard, not liking the crowd decided to interrupt the fire show. At 10:20 there was no fire, no mist... Jon and I went around pressing buttons. (there are buttons in the park, maybe one turned on the fire?). Then Jon went to the building across the street where the security guard retreated to. He pressed the button to the intercom.

Jon: "Where's the fire???"
Security guard: "11pm."
Jon: "What hapenned to the one at 10pm??"
Security guard: "11 pm!!!"

And that was that. We looked up in the building and I kid you not, there was someone in the office apparently lying down on what looked like a bed and covering up with a sheet. Was the security guard getting some action up there instead of turning on the fire? What a world. We went home and vowed to return to the Joute one day..

Musings about the late and great General Tao

2006-08-15T18:07:00.000-07:00

I'm very indecisive. Especially when it comes to ordering food. As a result instead of actually picking up the phone and ordering Chinese food, I decided to ask Droopy about the origin of the phrase, General Tao.

Masta says:
I like how it's General Tao's chicken.
I really wish I knew what was behind that phrase.
was he some guy?
Is it some white person who made this up?

Vrej says:
"The dish is unknown in China
It is unclear how the dish came to bear the name of the 19th-century Chinese war hero General Zuo Zongtang. Around 1974, Hunan and Szechuan food were introduced to New York City. General Tso's Chicken was an example of this new style.

Peng's Restaurant located on East 44th Street claims that it was the first restaurant in New York City to serve General Tso's chicken. Since the dish (and cuisine) were new, Chef Peng made it their house specialty, in spite of the dish's commonplace ingredients."

Masta says:
alright... well...
I think I was happier in my ignorance.
I could make stuff up.

Vrej says:
fine
Tao made it up on the battlefield one day
Vrej says:
when he had limited ingredients
but many starving men
his troop's chef made a bad round of chicken balls and thusly lost his head to Tao's blade
tao's wife, the only person who could talk straight to him, yelled at him

Mrs Tao: "what will the men eat?"
Tao: "chicken"
Mrs Tao:"and who will make it? ...you?"
Tao: "Yes."

using the same blade with which he beheaded the chef, Tao prepared the now famous Gen. Tao chicken
to this day, the sauce on general tao is said to contain a hint of blood, to remind all those who eat it that bad cooking is punishable by death
happy?

Masta says:
More hungry than happy.

Galloway: "The Violence Will Go On!"

2006-08-07T19:58:00.000-07:00

I almost NEVER put political commentary on my blog. I find it somewhat audacious and maybe innapropriate that I should say anything especially on this blog. But whatever trouble this might cause, I thought I should put it up anyway. What really inspired me, besides my buddy who's very political is something I heard on a television church service. The pastor was telling the story of a woman named Ruth who lived in a time when the jews were being persecuted.

Here's a link to the sermon. http://www.hourofpower.org/booklets/bookletdetail.cfm?ArticleID=4489. It's long but here's the most important excerpt from the sermon by Dr. Schuller.

"Now let me give you a little background. Esther is a Jew. She is queen to King Xerxes of Persia who was by all accounts the strongest king of his day and remained so until Alexander the Great overcame that empire. She became the queen and one of the prime ministers came along and decided that they were going to exterminate all the Jews. Can you believe it? There have been numerous times throughout history where people have tried to exterminate the people of God and this is one more time. The queen has kept her identity secret; nobody knows she is a Jew, except for her cousin Mordecai. So now she has an opportunity to put her life on the line and save her race or remain silent and hope that somehow, someway she can keep her identity a secret. "

I think the part that really struck me was the bible verse,
‘do not think because you are in the king's house you alone of all the Jews will escape. For if you remain in silence at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place and you and your father's family will perish. (Esther 4:12-17)

What this says to me is, in matters of importance, when people are dying and suffering it is important to speak up. We're complacent because we're in the "King's House", up here in North America. But when injustice takes place it touches all of us. Now that our government has become as bigotted and immoral as the American government, how long will it be before we start suffering the consequences that they have? I have a friend who's extended family is mourning the death of a son in Lebanon. Whether he's Jewish, Lebansese, Arab, Black.... He was robbed of his life for no good reason.

So I think it would be irresponsible not to say something. Our leaders are engaged in an illegal and immoral war. Here they have an opportunity to show love and compassion and be worthy of the God they supposedly believe in, worthy of our progenitors and ancestors who all suffered at the hands of unjust people at some point, regardless of their background, jewish, black, arab, whatever... But apparently they will not rise up to this challenge, they will not fight for peace but rather continue this insane invasion, and continue to propagate, hatred, bigotry and murder. Have we learned nothing?

What a disgrace it would be to the human race if future generations couldn't learn to have compassion for the thousands who are dying in the middle east at the whims of greedy politicians and religious fanatics. I don't want to get into a long rant because "those in the know", already have their opinions and those who are already prejudiced will not want to have any kind of rational discourse. But I do think this video is VERY IMPORTANT!!! So I posted it for better or worse. If anyone has comments to make, please no hate, no name calling. Keep it tasteful. Also, if you're interested go to Rez's blog. He's far more informed than I am and has a few articles on the subject.

http://news.sky.com/skynews/video/videoplayer/0,,31200-galloway_060806,00.html#

Molecular Yeast Stuff at Princeton

2006-07-30T19:57:00.000-07:00

The following is a deluxe post. Prepare to read it in a few sittings...

I'm a biologist. One of my duties as a biologist is to go to conferences in other towns and give talks. Or in the case of this most recent conference go and... basically live off of the fat of the land. Eat, drink and be merry while listenning to scientists describe their research. I'm told that what is unique about Yeast conferences is that because Yeast is responsible for making alcohol, there is seldom a yeast conference that doesn't serve lots of booze... But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Princeton University

The conference was at Princeton University which is a really beautiful place, despite being surrounded by the buttcrack of america, New Jersey (Garden State? Garbage State? Jersey smell like a dumpster...) I spent five days there with some lab mates. The architecture, I'm told by a hot spanish girl (so hot even the quasi picky (latently gay?) Deder would have to admit she was hot!) who was at the conference, was made to immitate the old universities in England at the time. I'm told by hot girls that hot girls seldom lie. Anyway, everything has an old english feel to it. Going around campus is like roving an old castle. Like Hogwarts! And it's huge so I got lost every two seconds.

Among the things that I enjoyed seeing at the University was the chapel. It was a nice old fashionned chapel. I really wanted to get retarded in the chapel and desecrate it with loud obnoxious hi jinx, but one of the guys taking care of the place was so nice to us I couldn't bring myself to misbehave.

I also took one day in the week to wander alone and came across the Princeton observatory. Not terribly impressive but still. I wish I could have gotten to see inside.

But I think the thing I love most about the university, is at dusk, the fireflies come out. I don't think there is anything more beautiful than fireflies at night. They're like tiny little flying lightbulbs, that produce a silent, green light that generates no heat! I think they're one of nature's biggest little miracles.

Accomadations

I think the thing I love most about the univesity is the food. Bacon, saussage, eggs, pancakes/waffles every morning. Deserts as far as the eye can see, lemon cake, carrot cake, chocolate cake both black forest and otherwise. Cookies... Chicken and ribs, burgers, hot dogs... Honestly, I ate really well. I think abundant food is one of nature's biggest little miracles.

I stayed in a dorm room which took me about 10 minutes to totally mess up. The only dissapointment was having to use a public bathroom. One evening I was going to brush my teeth and some guy was strolling down the long hall wearing nothing but a towel.

His towel fell off and he just made the rest of the trip to the bathroom completely naked. Now that's creed.

Hsin's drunken escapades

So I mentionned alcohol. Here's my buddy Hsin in front of the poster she is presenting at the conference.

It might seem strange to dedicate a section of this post to her but... Honestly, good job!!! I can't remember the last time I've witnessed such and efficient, deliberate drunken rampage.

When the poster presentations were over, she promptly got drunk. When I say promptly I mean, she took a cup, filled it with wine, tossed it back and was krunk for about 3 hours. And then when it was all over, she was perfectly normal. Not sick or anything you wouldn't have even known she was drunk. When the evening was over, and she retired to her dormatory.

However, during her drunkeness I was pretty terrified that she would get all of our asses kicked. When she wasn't tweaking my nipples she was accosting strangers on the street. She tried to tweak our German friends nipples and he flat out said, "If she tweaks my nipples I will slap her."

Scary. Then she yelled at this couple. "ARE WE HERE???" They looked scared and scurried off. Then we actually found a bar on this street called Nassau. My god. There were two incidents that I thought would result in a fight. I remember turning around and hearing her say, "ARE YOU IMMITATING ME??? DON'T IMMITATE ME BEHIND MY BACK!!!" And then some guys said, "YO RELAX, WE'RE NOT IMMITATING YOU!! I WAS TALKING ABOUT JAPANESE PEOPLE!" Hsin then apologized and moved on to have a talk with this guy.

Let me point out that this guy is huge. His bicept is about the girth of my waist. Hsin seemed intent on provoking him.
Hsin: How did you get so big??
Big Guy: I work out on my bowflex??
Hsin: I know someone who uses bowflex... they aren't that big...
Big Guy: I ummm...
Hsin: Why do you work out so much?
Big Guy: Anger management...
Hsin: What are you angry at?
Me: Your mother???
Big Guy: I'm not really angry at...
Hsin: I mean usually people just work out for sports but... What do you... do???

There was a point where Hsin and Klarita had wandered off into the bar. When I caught up with them, there was a group of people tweaking each other's nipples at the counter. Again, good job Hsin. Miraculously, we got home unscathed.

Cheesy Biologists

The conference itself is a very interesting experience. A few things about scientists. They don't care how they dress. I love that. It's all about the work. It's also amazing how much they're in love with their work. I learned a lot from the talks. And got to meet some interesting people.

What's unique about the biology conferences is the biology jokes. Every now and then one of the speaker's would tell a joke and 5 people in the theatre would laugh super loud and everyone else would laugh for fear of being revealed as the dumbass who doesn't get the reference.

Speaker: "So I wanted to find the genes in which the transponsons inserted themselves. Obviously the genes had not yet been sequenced."
Some jerk: "HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Everyone else: "Heheheh... I get it... jeans..."

Aside from talks and workshops, every day one prominent biologist was presented with an award. The presentation includes an old fashionned roast of the professors. One of the presentations included a picture of the very naked Charlie Boone sitting in his office with nothing but an ice bucket over his crank.

What was funny is I encouraged my posse to sit in the balcony one particular night so we could heckle the speaker a la Waldorf and Stadler fromt he muppet show. Right on cue during the award presentation that night, the speaker included a picture of Waldorf and Stadler in his talk!!

BUT the ultimate cheese.... The conference culminated with a lifetime achievement award. The guy receiving the award was really funny. He told this great story about how he had to go to the zoo to collect bird droppings and how him and his friend studying in law went in lab coats to wait for the birds to take a crap. Then they would run out, while all the visitors at the zoo watched.

Anyway, not only was his talk filled to the brim with cheesy jokes, one joke so bad Alex got up and left. But after the talk a band was playing. The much anticipated Cellmates (like... cells from cellular biology?)... It was an old dudes band, that did covers of rolling stones and beetles.

The phd's went nuts!!! They were dancing all night, including the 80 year old who won the lifetime achievement award. I don't know how many of you have seen the kind of dancing that takes place when scientists of all ages and races get together to dance... Anything goes... Conga lines and... Elaine from Seinfeld type dancing. Bizarre jerky movements. And then the ultimate, Mash Pit filled with gray haired men??? My thought was something like, "Oh s**t! the goddamn, phds' are f**king mashing in the goddamn gymnasium, to the smegging cellmates cover of an old ass rolling stones song!"

Did I mention some of the cover songs were deluxe, including customized lyrics about biology.

Cellmate band leader: "THIS NEXT SONG IS ABOUT CARBOHYDRATES!!!"
Some Phd: "CARBOHYDRATES??? F**K CARBOHYDRATES!!! LIPIDS LIPIDS LIPIDS!!!"

I am not embellishing that story. Anyway, like a fool I didn't have my camera. But it was truly insane.

Miscellaneous

Other than that, we just wandered around having fun. I can't imagine what it's like to study at this place isolated from the rest of the world. I ran into some Princeton students. The first impression you get is that they really think they're hot stuff. SOOOO PREPPY. It's like they're from another planet. But I didn't formerly meet any students from Princeton. Who knows, maybe they're as mature as the rest of us.

Oh, and just for you Rez... We went to an insane candy store and had ice cream. Here's me eating said ice cream.

Hsin's sinful peanut butter sandwich

2006-07-24T18:08:00.000-07:00

So last weekend my friend Hsin comes online and tells me that I "Have to try her homemade peanut butter."

Homemade peanut butter? That seemed odd. Hsin then said that after I ate it she would film my reaction. At which point I was suspicious, obviously. I asked, "What.... What's wrong with it??" And she said, "NOTHING! I'M JUST TRYING TO BE NICE!! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TRY IT THEN DON'T!"

I felt guilty and said, "No, no... I'll try it..."

Days later I get a call from Bahira in the lab. She emphatically tells me that it's time to try Hsin's peanut butter. I guess I was tired. I guess I was dazed and very, very gullible. Even when I saw the huge smile on Bahira's face, with her bouncing around hapily I didn't really see what was coming next.

So they both bring me into their office, sit me down. Hsin says, "Close your eyes and I'll feed the sandwhich with the peanut butter to you while Bahira films it."

????

And I did. What kind of idiot closes their eyes while people put things in their mouth??? I must be one of the few who's done that and survived. Anyway, here's the video that proves I'm a sucker! I started chewing, then Bahira yells, "SPIT IT OUT SPIT IT OUT!!!" When I open my eyes, Hsin shows me a sandwhich filled with flies. At which point I remember her msn name changing for the past week. "Hsin- Killed 8 flies, Hsin killed 14 flies, Hsin killed 18 flies!!!"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Unfortunately the camera didn't catch me as Hsin displays a sandwhich filled with flies.... I then spit out wads of the sandwhich and inspected the sputem for fly guts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K70StDfaKWk&search=fly%20prank

Anyway, thankfully they didn't feed me the sandwhich with the flies in it. It was just peanut butter with whole nuts in it. The fly sandwhich was what they showed me when I openned my eyes.

Now, this only hapenned because they 're were good looking girls. Imagine two guys come up to you and say, "Open your mouth and close your eyes??"

Get outta here!!! one might say. But I sat there like a fool, as vulnerable as you can possibly make yourself.

Hsin, Bahira, I'm very proud of you both. I got pwned.

On a side note, Check out the last link in the links section. Michael Choi and Tiffany Mooey have a video blog where they give health tips and stuff. Check it out!

The deliciousness of an organism is directly proportional to the amount of a putative subcellular particle present in the cell of that organism

2006-07-10T20:25:00.000-07:00

My love of meat is no secret. For my birthday we went to La Milsa, a restaurant where they give you an allegedly endless supply of grilled meats, to the point where its unhealthy in fact. I think heaven will be something like that... Endless meat except no health hazards.

But I find usually only men can FULLY appreciate the amazingness of meat. This weekend was Cristina Bahirathon 2006, where we concatenate both of their birthdays into one evening of grooviness. Bahira ordered something called "fish"... Swordfish if I'm not mistaken. What's that? I mean, they were serving all kinds of bbq'ed beef and pork... Fish doesn't even enter into my thought process. Viv also ordered this "fish". The fish was good, though... but not... MEAT good.

Cristina of course is the exception to the rule that girls don't heart meat. Look how elated she was to receive the pack of bacon we gave her.

It was a gag gift, but she was very eager to get the bacon home to a fridge for consumption in the near future.

The day following was a BBQ at Mo's where we watched world cup and also ate meat, this time chicken. Thanks you Mo, for all the deliciousness. The same morning there was a breakfast gathering and the deliciousness of meat had also been discussed.

The following postulate was formed about meat. It goes like this. The tastiness of meat is proportional to the amount of noise any given animal made during its lifetime. Think about it. Pigs?? Noisy animals, amazing flavour. Cows go moo; also delicious. Cockadoodle doo anyone?? On the bbq??? Nice. Lettuce on the other hand is silent. Doesn't taste like anything. Celery is also very quiet.

I rest my case.

Though I think I heard my celery reciting the Apostle's Creed the other day. I may have been hallucinating though... Audio hallucination.

You see, the amount of noise you make during your lifetime induces the proliferation of tiny subcellular particles called tastosomes which increases the deliciousness of an organism (Milen et al., 2006).

Please refer to the diagram below from the cell of a mute cow.

Now look at the cells of another cow of the same species, except not mute.

Please note there are more tastosomes in the cells of the second more verbose cow.

Case closed.

"You... are reckless!!!" - Yoda

2006-07-06T19:15:00.000-07:00

One of many things I don't understand aboutt he world, is people who drive recklessly. Risking life and limb to save 5 to 10 minutes. what's the point? What's the rush? Where's the fire? I have a cousin (you know who you are) who gets into the most awe inspiring accidents. Not fender benders but... Unbreakable starring Bruce Willis type accidents. Like, "how did you walk away from that alive? Do you have super powers?" type accidents.

Even after several close calls, he doesn't seem too concerned about his driving. He still speeds like crazy, talks on his phone while driving. The works. He's not the only one of course. Speeding and being reckless is common place among many of the people I know. And for what? Race home after work to do what? Eat dinner alone?? Sit in front of the TV watching spongebob/sabrina the teenage witch (which airs during prime time now. Not that I watch spongebob during prime time... I'm usually entertaining a female guest or doing other bachelor-esque things of that nature... DON'T JUDGE ME!!!).

The point is people get really irrational when they actually get a ticket for these things. The other day I heard someone say, "I got a parking ticket the other day. I fully intended to go back later on and move the car..."

This tells me the person knew they were illegally parked. And decided to bite it and park illegally, and then complain when they got the ticket? Maybe they should have left a note. "Will be back later to move my punk ass car off of the sidewalk."

The next part of the complaint was, "And you know where that money goes, don't you??? Straight to the police force so they can hire more cops to give us more tickets!!!"

It wouldn't be so funny if it wasn't said with so much sincerity. This person seemed to believe that the amount of cops on the street was proportional to the amount of parking tickets they got. Imagine if people just followed the law, drove under the speed limit, parked where they were supposed to... We'd have no cops! Other petty crimes like murder and rape would go unpunished. Maybe it's a good thing that so many people break parking laws.

Imagine this person running for mayor. Would they just abolish all traffic laws? Imagine a world where people just drive as fast as they please, slaughtering children in school zones, mowing down old women at crosswalks. If there weren't any stupid police around I could just ram someone with my car when they pissed me off. "Did that poopoo head just cut me off???" I could just step on the gas and SLAM!!! "April fool motha f**ka!!" We'd have some kind of car duel.

I think I would have a great deal of amusement coming to work in the morning and finding cars parked on the stairs of the school and across fields of grass, on the medians in the middle of the road. I could be reading the nutrition label on a box of cereal in the grocery store, "Mmmm... Chocolate Rice Crispies has more folate than..."

When CRASH!!! A car would fly through the front of the grocery store toppling over shelves and people and delicious condiments... mustard, ketchup... maybe salad dressing. Then it would come to a screeching halt as they reached out of their car and grabbed a bag of chips.

Me: "That was rather rude..."
Driver: "Sorry, I'm in a rush. America has talent is on in 20 minutes." And then they'd peel off.

Everyone's in a rush except me it seems. I guess it's cuz I know Spongebob is in reruns now.

Insomnia

2006-06-27T17:50:00.000-07:00

For some reason I couldn't sleep this morning so I arrived at work for about 7am. Not having much to do I was pretty much finished my work by 11, 11:30. Now, for those who work on the 5th floor, this is trouble. Everyone knows that a bored MastaCSG is a mischievious MastaCSG. I went to Dr. Martin's lab, distracted them, all of whom were very busy. Then I had a raucous laughing session with Eli, the Exotic Latvian Scientist who was in her office, chatting on msn instead of working.

So I notice that a colleague of ours, let's call him the Sherminator, logs on to MSN and asks Eli, "Shouldn't you be working?" So, I tell Eli to move over, crack my knuckles and commandeer her keyboard. With me posing as Eli, I began a conversation with the Sherminator. Eli looked on in horror.

Sherminator says:
hey! shoulden't you be working
Eli Says:
I want you.
Sherminator says:
no you don't
Eli Says:
I WANT TO JUMP YOUR BONES!!!
Sherminator says:
*surprised emoticon*
Eli Says:
Come now...
Eli Says:
TAKE ME!!!!
Sherminator says:
ummmmm, errrr. ok
Sherminator says:
?
Sherminator says:
it's kind of hard at a distance tho
Eli Says:
I'm waiting for you... In the guys bathroom.
Eli Says:
ONthe fifth floor.
Eli Says:
Meet me there in 4 minutes.
Sherminator says:
but i'm not at school
Eli Says:
Fine...
Eli Says:
30 minutes.
Sherminator says:
but i wont be there then either
Eli Says:
Fine, I'll see what Dr. Tsang is up to.
Sherminator says:
i'm in the waste island
Sherminator says:
but i'll be in soon, train at 11:45

Sherminator then logs off immediately! I can just picture him getting dressed, considers brushing his hair, but leaves in a hurry to catch the train. Now, I don't know how long it takes to get from the West Island to the school, but Sherminator must have broken some record cuz he was in school in about 20 minutes looking rather dishevelled I might add. Now I don't want to jump to any conclusions or anything but... I SUSPECT the Sherminator thought he was going to get some action. I'd like to say I'm a genius but... He just made it so easy. He barely seemed to question Eli's sudden desire to "Jump his bones."

Later and I Eli and I went to invite Sherminator to lunch. We went to his office. I hid around the corner while she asked him if he was free for lunch. Sherminator of course accepted eagerly and when he walked out of his office he saw me with a big grin on my face, "OOH!!! YOU'RE HERE!!!" He said looking surprised and maybe a little annoyed at my presence.

*COCKBLOCKED!!!!*

Anyway, so I asked Eli to save the convo, she then sent it to me via email (a wonderful invention if I do say so myself). My understanding is that neither of them mentionned anything about the bizarre MSN convo.

Then, after lunch I spent another hour bothering people at work. I came home and napped for a few hours. Then posted this blog for you all to enjoy. Another full day of work. I'm tired.

Maury-phobia

2006-06-25T17:50:00.000-07:00

I read somewhere that phobias like, fears of spiders, snakes, heights all evolved so that people would have a natural fear of things that are dangerous, but might not seem immediately dangerous. A psychology student told me that that theory doesn't seem to hold much water but nuts to her! Tom Cruise doesn't acknowledge her field of study and Tom Cruise knows everything. He starred in Minority Report for crying out loud!

Anyway, all this jibba jabberin is just a lead up to some clips Dave sent me from the Maury show. I love the guy. He's so evil. In this episode he's brought people who have unnatural fears on stage only to inundate them with the site of that which terrifies them most.

This clip includes footage of a woman who is afraid of birds. But if her fear of birds isn't amazing enough, Maury's sheer amusement over the whole thing certainly is. He laughs at her, ridicules her and as a final insult brings out a tiny bird to watch her shriek and carry on like an escaped mental patient.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PT4PwVhlSvs&mode=related&search=

Watch all the way to the end. The second woman is afraid of mustard! Mustard! And not only that she used to work at burger king!!

Maury: "Do you like ketchup??"
Woman: "I love ketchup!"

And the look on his face. "Mustard??? You're afraid of MUSTARD??? YOU STUPID C**T!!! IT'S MUSTARD!!!" Then he'll flash mustard on the screen. "Even the packets of mustard???" Then he had women bring out trays with big heaping piles of mustard on it. They play this horror music in the back. Classic.

I love the Maury show he's such a bastard. He sits there with a self satisfied smile and when the woman he brings on the air has had a total breakdown, he tells the stage hands, "That's enough!" As if he wasn't involved at all. Connie Cheung must be so proud.

Watch some of the other videos. There's a woman afraid of balloons and a woman who's afraid of pickles. The latter of course works at a restaurant where they serve pickles.

The woman afraid of balloons is special. She thinks it's ruining her life! I mean... I can go months without seeing balloons. I think that's a good phobia to have. I mean, she's still psycho but... Balloons aren't that abundant. But she stayed in her house for 10 months for fear of balloons! Where is she living? The circus district?

Maury: "The way they float??? What could it do???"
Woman: "I'm going to die one day because of baloons. There's just going to be so many of them... I can't do anything with my grandchildren."

What's wrong with her grandchildren? "Grandma, we will not engage in any non-balloon activities! EVER!!!"

Please do watch the videos. He's so cruel to these women. It's great!! Maury you son of bitch... Keep up the good work. This is exploitation at its finest.

Away/Busy/Snubbing

2006-06-18T09:03:00.000-07:00

I spend more and more time on MSN like most people. I don't have the opportunity to be online while at work like most people but I imagine if I was working a desk job I would be online almost all day. It's an insidious addiction. I turn on the computer instinctively, sometimes with no goal in mind whatsoever. Even when I know that logging onto msn will only result in me wasting time when I have actual important things to do, I still turn it on. Just to check my email... Just to see who's there... Hours later I'm talking to someone I haven't seen in a while. It's a good way to keep in touch. Chances are I would have lost touch with lots of cool people had it not been for the internet.

I used to think I had the most hilarious personal messges. "MastaC$G- Now with Vitamin C!" "MastaC$G- Part of this complete breakfast!"

But that was a long time ago. It's as if long hours on MSN have crippled my creativity. And everyone's for that matter. Now the personal message includes an irrelevant account of what that person is doing, or will be doing. "MastaC$G- Procrastinating!" Is there anything more ridiculous than announcing to the world that you're wasting time by being online?

As I browse my MSN list now I notice that most people are away. What does "away" mean? I see Jon is "away". I'm going to try talking to him.

....

MastaC$G says:
Hey Jon, are you there?
jons says:
ya?
MastaC$G says:
What's up?
jons says:
noT much, is this chris gregg,being civil???
MastaC$G says:
No, I'm just wondering why you put "away" if you're actually not away.
jons says:
i am away, im in my room though
MastaC$G says:
So you're away from what?
jons says:
if there was a message in proximity i would put it
MastaC$G says:
Okay...
MastaC$G says:
also my friend is writing an essay.
MastaC$G says:
She wants arguments as to why prostitution should remain illegal.
MastaC$G says:
I figure you MOMZ WOULD HAVE A REBUTTLE!!!!!
jons says:
lOl, hmmm

This girl identified as X is now writing me messages. Her status is set to "busy" yet she's offering me a cookie. What's up wit dat???

....

MastaC$G says:
Hey, why is your status set to busy?
MastaC$G says:
If your online, you can't be that busy? What's up wit dat???
X says:
Its whacked.. say it!
X says:
I dont know..
X says:
i tend to do that
MastaC$G says:
Do you like to seem unavailable?
MastaC$G says:
Does that make you feel important??? HUH??? IS THAT WHAT THIS IS???
X says:
THATS EXACTLY IT!!
X says:
brb, my brother just farted and it smells like eggs in my room

Sounds real busy! I think wasting time on MSN is bad enough. But then there are all these mind games involved. Everyone making themselves seem sooo goddamn "busy" and "away". MSN has robbed the words of all meaning.

Disney on Icing

2006-06-04T14:47:00.000-07:00

Sometime mid may there was a comment on the message board that Aladdin was a good movie. Tiger commented, "Jasmine? I'd hit it." I of course added my two cents and mentionned that Belle from Beauty and the Beast was easily the hottest of the Disney Princesses.

So this weekend I was to go over to Jbo's and Marie-Eve's for a birthday gathering. The event was being heralded, Masta's birthday palooza. Off the top of my head I asked Joe that morning if Jbo and Marie Eve would do something crazy like buy birthday hats and balloons and stuff like that. I just had a feeling.

So, I show up at the Jbo/Maeva homestead and this is what greets me at the door.

I don't think any two words can adequately summarize what I felt at that moment. Confusion... Maybe I was a little frightenned. Maybe I thought I was at the wrong house. I looked at the neighbour's normal door, without Disney Princesses on it. And then Marie Eve beckonned me inside the one with the disney princesses on the door. I was at the right house. "Why is this a Princess Party?"

And the inside of the house was indeed decorated with balloons, napkins, party hats and yes even the table cloth was covered with Disney Princesses. I don't know how much of the evening I really want to disclose. Even less have documented on the internet.

Marie-Eve really did a great job. She prepared lots and lots of delicious food. I was really touched. And goddamn that s**t tasted good. Chicken brochettes, shrimp, chicken wings (some fried) Salad both corn and macaroni. Veggies with dip and the dip was even put into bell peppers cut in half. I thought putting the dip into hollowed out bell peppers showed EXTRA love. Again, I was moved to tears. It was amazing. Like those chapters in Lord of the Rings where the hobbits sit down to a table of food and make freaking pigs of themselves. Look at all it's majesty.

Here was the Belle princess cake, chocolate spice cake with chocolate chips. I saved the face, for myself.

High lights of the evening include bizarre conversations which will probably come up in court some day to defame my character. ie, Which Disney princess has the biggest cans? I for one said Belle. Dave argued that Ariel must have the biggest cans if she's supporting two seashells on them. Which one of the disney princesses was legal? Stuff like that.

So these party hats are designed for children's heads, I was pretty sure the string would break. But Mo, apparently having divine powers managed to fit one around his waist and use the Disney Princess Party hat as some kind of unholy strap on dildo.

What else? Oh, Rez smashed pink icing in my face. I didn't get pics or videos of that yet, but check the message boards sometime in the near future for those. Another Alpha Posse Miracle... Friday, I was talking to someone and mentionned offhand that "My movie collection would be complete if only I had the star trek movies!"

Sure enough in my gift bag, (with a picture of Belle on it) was the ENTIRE Star Trek movie collection. Add to that the skill game classic Operation, tons of copables from Vrej's trip to E3, I cleaned up gift-wise.

And friends wise! And friendswise ;-) You guys are the best, honestly.

I mean, the evening was disturbing, the decor, gay beyond anything my mind could have previously fathomed. Will I ever forget this? Never. Is that a good thing? The jury is out. There may come a time when I'll need to deny the events of that evening ever took place. But great times as always. Thank you Vrej, Rez, Kenny, Dave, Joe, Mo and of course Jbo and Marie Eve for putting together such a nice bday for me! Heart you all!

Look at me!! I'm Jesus!!

2006-05-21T21:45:00.000-07:00

Not too surprisingly, people are protesting about the release of the Da Vinci Code, a fictional novel that people have arbitrarily decided to take as fact. Ever wonder what Jesus thinks of all of this?

I mean really. I sometimes feel bad when living people are portrayed by actors. How did Muhammad Ali feel when Will Smith decided to play him? It must come off as a mockery at that point. But I can just imagine Jesus up there getting annoyed, "How is that guy me??? First of all... I'm black... Second of all I have a much more pronounced jawline."

Remember when the Passion of the Christ came out? There was some story to the effect that the camera man was struck by lightning TWICE!!! The shocking thing (no pun intended) is that Mel Gibson took that as a sign that everything was going well. That God (who exists by the way) was pleased with what they were doing. How can being struck by lightning be a good thing? If someone's doing a good job do you try to kill them twice? Kudos to Mel on a very convenient and farfetched interpretation of the supernatural event. Here's what I think was going down.

God: "Have they stopped making that movie about my son yet?"
Lightning Angel: "No, Sir."
God: "Did you strike the guy with lightning???"
Lightning Angel: "Yeah...TWICE in fact. It only seems to have strengthenned their resolve."
God: "Fine... Turn up the juice and strike him again."
Lightning Angel: "Ummm.. Sir, you should know that a higher voltage will likely kill..."
God: "I said... Turn up the F**KING JUICE!!!"
Angel goes to lightning machine, turns a comically huge dial and the machine emits a frightenning hum.

Back on earth.

Mel Gibson: "Okay, now Jesus you turn around to the Camera and say, "I know Kung Fu." Then Pontius Pilate you say, "Show me!!!""
Camera Man looks warily at the sky before getting his ass blasted again:"AAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"
Mel Gibson: "Thanks God! I'll keep up the good work! Jesus... Are you thinking what I'm thinking?? Leopard print thong????"
Camera Man *ZAPPED*: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

I guess I wouldn't really mind being portrayed in a movie. Once you realize it's just fiction. All in good fun. I know actors like to take themselves seriously, but for years now I've realized there's a shortcut that everyone uses for impersonating another human being. I always credited this technique to Droopy's brother, the late Daemon Spawn but everyone seems to do it now. I noticed specific three steps when Bahira was "impersonating" me the other day.

Step 1: You say, "Look at me, I'm (insert name)." This is an interesting strategy especially considering you're already engaged in a conversation with said person and you are usually NOT them.
Step 2: Bend your arms 90 degrees and rock them left and right repetitively as if you're.... walking??"
Step 3: Say what you're doing in this specific impersonation of the subject.

The end effect is something like this. "Look at me! I'm Chris!! I use big words like 'catharsis'!!!"

It's not really offensive if you know that it's fictional. I say actors should use this technique when portraying Jesus just to remind people that it's a movie that's bias by both actors and directors involved.

Don Cheadle: "Look at me!! I'm Jesus!! I'm doing Mary Magdelene."
Kiefer Sutherland: "Look at me! I'm Jesus! Someone asked me how to treat my fellow man so I shot him in the chest! Now I'm getting drunk and tackling the cross!"
50 Cent: "Look at me!! I'm Jesus!! I'm shooting Judas and holding my gun sideways!"

Could Jesus possibly take umbrage to that? It's obvious the director took some creativity. I always hoped Jesus had a sense of humour about himself. I mean, if he's super human he must have super humor no??? If not then this post was probably innapropriate. I think Jesus laughed though. Maybe he laughed soooo hard, he farted a little bit!!!

I choose to believe Jesus is more concerned that we're all so rotten to each other and not a movie or a silly blog post that we all know isn't true.

addendum: I've just been struck by lightning... I think that's God's way of saying he hearts this post.

CGI = Computer Generated Idiocy

2006-05-13T07:58:00.000-07:00

I thought this interview with Steve Carell was brilliant. The interviewer is asking him about his role in the CGI kids movie, Over the Hedge. So simple. He really know how to commit to a stupid rant. I really laughed.

http://Video.sympatico.msn.com/v/en-ca/v.htm?g=e7f4b29a-f194-4869-b814-162fce0aa970&f=rssimbot_en-ca&fg=copy

What is not brilliant is Hollywood's obsession with these CGI movies. I mean, Over the Hedge is a cartoon about furry little animals doing stuff. This is like the 4th movie in a year to feature animals doing stuff. Madagascar, The Wild, this cheesiness. Enough already! But what's even more frustrating is the people they choose to voice the characters in these movies. I mean, it's a kids movie and they have Bruce Willis as the main voice? Bruce Willis as some kind of racoon? Bruce Willis has starred in more R-rated movies than anything else, I don't think kids give a damn. And I'm sure he doesn't really do a great job, he's not a voice actor and his voice isn't particularly remarkable. He's just some guy. William Shatner? Most kids probably don't know anything about captain Kirk. It's offensive.

Are 8 year old kids in the sandbox discussing the voice actors in this movie?

Lil Jimmy: Hey are you going to see Over the Hedge, guy?
Lil Marc: I don't know... Who's in it?
Lil Jimmy: Bruce Willis, Steve Carell...
Lil Marc: Who's Steve Carell?
Lil Jimmy: He was in 40 Year Old Virgin.
Lil Marc: What's a virgin?
Lil Jimmy: I think I just pooped in my pants...

I hope they're not trying to appeal to me by featuring all these actors. I say, if you're going to do an animated movie get voice actors from cartoons. All the voice actors in Futurama, the Simpsons can do incredible things with their voice (notice family guy voice actors aren't so versatile?). But these are funny people with funny voices.

I was talking to Real Dave last week and he made a very interesting point. While discussing this overkill of movies featuring roadkill, he said something I agreed with 100%. With all the resources they use to make these CGI movies, why don't they make some awesome action movies?? Like the Japanese Final Fantasy movie (not the american one with Ming Na, that sucked). But they could really make some incredible CGI action movies. They made a 5 minute CGI film for the Animatrix. Make it a full length picture with lots of action. If I imagine myself as a movie producer, I realize we have this technology the first thing that comes to mind is... Action??? Violence??? James Earl Jones as a dragon? Lawrence Fishburne as an evil wizard?? Cool voices behind cool characters. I wish I knew why a movie producer is commiting millions of dollars to make movies about squirrels, bugs, talking cars...That's an outrage!!! Hook me up with some action! Instead of fuzzy f**king animals 3 times a year.

I think kids movies are really going in a bad place. I think the era of kids movies was dominated by Robin Williams. He was in everything back in the day. I mean, I would go and see Hook, and think I'm seeing a big boy movie cuz it was live action. Then he does Aladdin, I recognize his voice, and I'd feel like a big boy cuz Robin Williams was in a live action movie too. Furthermore, Robin Wiliams did all sorts of brilliant things with his voice. He could impersonate anyone and he was funny. Bruce effing Willis??? Eff that... Just because something has syrop on it doesn't make it pancakes... Just because a movie is CGI, doesn't mean it's good.

Of course Wanda Sykes says Over the Hedge is the greatest movie ever made. Maybe I'll go see it.

Incredible and Influencial

2006-05-11T15:50:00.000-07:00

I've been finishing ridiculously early in the lab and as you might expect the overwhelming freedom has lead me to indulge in some things that I'm not terribly proud of. Namely, today I watched Oprah at around 4pm (for as long as I could before falling into a deep sleep).

I was talking about Oprah the other day with someone at work. Just to fathom the power of this woman... She's supposedly worth 1.4 billion USD! Not only is she stinking rich, but people do whatever she says. Any book she features on her book club immediately goes to the best sellers list. It is believed that she cost the beef industry some 12 million dollars when she made an off-handed remark about being afraid of mad cows disease. I like this quote from Ben Shapiro of Townhall.com.

"Oprah Winfrey is the most powerful woman in America. She decides what makes the New York Times best-seller lists. Her touchy-feely style sucks in audiences at the rate of 14 million viewers per day. But Oprah is far more than a cultural force -- she's a dangerous political force as well, a woman with unpredictable and mercurial attitudes toward the major issues of the day."

I can't even get people to watch certain movies that I find cool. I don't understand what it is about her. There's a kind of magic about her. I mean, today the show was about women who hate themselves. And the format of these shows is just ridiculous because you have some messed up woman sitting in between Oprah and a professional psychiatrist. Technically Oprah shouldn't have a goddamn say in the matter, she's sitting there because of her name alone.

But the funny thing is, you still want to believe everything she says. The psychiatrist became less and less relevant as time went on. By the end of the show I thought I was messed up to and wished that Oprah could fix me!!! "YOU'RE RIGHT OPRAH!!! WILLY'S BEEN A BAD FATHER!!! BOOHOOHOO!!!"

Some people have a gift what else can you say? Oprah's credibility in any of the topics she choses to discuss is irrelevant at this point. Even when she emphasizes her ignorance in a particular situation, people only half listen to the expert and later turn to Oprah and thank her, usually with tears streaming down their face.

It's kind of dangerous when you think about it. The media (including the internet) has replaced people's need to think. You don't have to be critical about the information coming to you. You just type in a question on line and you're bombarded with answers. You don't need to turn to religion, or the law... Oprah will tell you what's right and what's wrong. Tom Cruise will tell you why depression isn't a medical condition that requires treatment. It's so easy to be stupid with these people around. I'm not saying it's their fault that people are ignorant, but it doesn't help.

And besides the ease access to the information they provide us, they dazzle us with they're glorious lifestyles. Who needs credibility when you got bank like dat??Oprah's beautiful homes and love of Lays potato chips and fashionable clothing... I want that!!! I want it all!!! Even just a taste of Oprah's life is euphoric. Have you ever seen the looks on people's faces when they realize they 're on Oprah's "Favourite Thing's" episode? They look like they just won the lottery! And in many ways they have! In 2004 she gave each member of the audience (276 people) Pontiac Sedans!! That's insane!

One day I'll have to go to the Oprah Winfrey Show in the off chance that I'll get hooked up with one of her favourite things. Knowing my luck I'll get some boring episode where she gives away books.

Oprah: "If you look under your chair you'll notice a copy of the book we've been discussing! "My Tears Fall Upon my Saggy Sad Bosom: A woman's struggle with Anorexia".
Me: "Saggy tear soaked bosoms?? I want a car!! I'll never forgive you for this Oprah!!"

I wonder if Oprah ever wants to test her power??? "I wonder how many people would try to kill the President if I told them to?? I wonder how many stay at home moms would join the army if I told them to??? Could I get thousands of people to jump off a bridge???" I guess it's a good thing I'm not Oprah... yet.

Maury Poovich

2006-05-04T19:45:00.000-07:00

Jbo was telling me recently about a Colbert interview of Connie Cheung. When asked how she would describe her husband's line of work she responded that he was an "investigative journalist." Her husband is of course media darling Maury Povich and his brand of investigative journalism is somewhat unique. Sometimes, instead of going to work at a decent hour I like to watch a few minutes of the Maury Show. For those of you who don't know him, he's like a poor man's Springer.

Every time I've watched the show he's basically conducting paternity tests. Some very charming young women come on stage and explain that they've given birth to a child and 1 of a possible 10 men could be the father. And the father comes out, curses out the woman and makes some feeble arguments about how the child couldn't POSSIBLY be his. "Look at dem eyes.... They're TOTALLY different."

It's a very educational show. I for one learned that no matter how ugly, ignorant, fat and generally repulsive a woman is, there's always some guy who would gladly do her if she's easy enough. I wonder if these guys tell there friends about it the next day? Certainly nothing to be bragging about.

Some guy: Hey dude... I GOT SOME LAST NIGHT!!! HIGH FIVE!!!
Dude's friend: Sweet! What was she like???
Some guy: Oh... umm... she's like any other girl.
Dude's friend: Was she hot?
Some guy: Well... she was slightly... overweight. Not like... Fat... But... you know... fat. And ugly.
Dude's friend: Mmm... Well, I'm sure she had a nice personality.
Some guy: I guess... I mean... she's really annoying. And dishonest. I think she's married or something. And wow is she ignorant.
Dude's friend: Well... No high five for you. BAd!! BAD SOME GUY!!

Following this the guy gets the call from Maury. "You remember that fat, ignorant, married slut you did 9 months ago? You're 1 of a possible 10 men who may be the father!"

Then they go on the show. It's the saddest thing in the world. I mean it's bad enough to be cheating on your significant others, but to bring kids into your messed up lives is unforgivable. One episode I saw included a flash back of several episodes where the woman believed 1 of 25 men could have been the father of her child! No joke! And during the course of the show's run Maury had tested 8 men. This episode was lucky #9! The guy was some young kid who really didn't know any better but said that, if the child was his, he would step up and do his duty. And all the while on the screen is a picture of a beautiful child who is too young and innocent to know how sad and unnavailable her parents are. And one day that poor child might become the same way.

Anyway as it turns out, #9 wasn't the father either, sending the mother into a hysterical fit where she ran back stage and wept bitterly.

The reason why I say Maury is a poor man's Springer, is because as far as I know, Maury doesn't sign off with a final thought. If I were him, every episode I would say, "In our country there are millions of hobags like these popping out children every day! Many of them have boyfriends already, many of them are engaged, married... Many have children. You probably have no romantic interest in them but if you're the man desperate enough to want a piece of that... Please, have the good sense to use a condom. Hell use several condoms, spermicides and force feed that ho of yours a whole mess of birth control pills. Hey, don't stop there! Go for the vasectomy/hystorectomy! No child deserves either of you as parents. Thanks for watching!"

The Big Picture

2006-04-20T14:36:00.000-07:00

I was on my way to have delicious sushi with a friend. We were debating between going to Kanda or this other place, Katsura. We settled on Katsura which was delicious. Good times! Among things that were said that night were

1) Sea Urchin??? Who would eat that??
2) I used to take classes with Karine. The girl who's dating Simon? Yeah, I used to call her Julie all the time.
3) Well, I'm glad we didn't go to Kanda for all you can eat Sushi. I wouldn't have been able to finish and that would have been humiliating.

That wasn't the odd part. The odd part was the next day my coworker says, "I went to Kanda last night. A word to the wise, don't try Sea Urchin! Incidentally I bumped into Simon and Karine. AWKWARD!"

Everyone decided to have Sushi that night? It's almost as if someone were directing a movie. While I was trying to figure out what kind of freak would eat sea urchin, my fool coworker was scarfing it down in a restaurant not more than 4 minutes away.

Me, looking at a menu with pompous self-satisfaction: "Sea Urchin??? What happened? Did the restaurant run out of donkey rectum??"

Cut to my coworker at the restaurant with his mouth full: "MMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!! Scrumptious Sea Urchin!!! Just like mom used to make!!!"

Just another page in the script of life. I was shocked the other day helping Jbo and Marie-Eve move into their new crib (BTW congrats you two!) And Justin got a phone call. I asked him, "Who was that?"

Jbo: "That was Rez and Vrej."
Me: "Where are they?"
Jbo: "They're trying out for a senior baseball team on the West Island."

SENIOR Baseball team? It's like that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer joins the Karate class to beat up little kids. That just struck me as one of the most random answer I could have gotten. Tell me it doesn't sound like a team of writers sat down for hours going through a list of the funniest possible answers to my mundane question. What zany scheme are Rez and Vrej up to this week?

Me: "Where are they?"
Jbo: "Rez and Vrej are talking to their financial adviser about opening a business that sells Emus as a mode of transportation for little people."

or

Me: "Where are they?"
Jbo: "They're buying a pig... Next week they're going truffle hunting and they need a pig to sniff out the delicious truffles!"

or

Me: "Where are they?"
Jbo: "They're in court. Last week they were riding an emu and they hit Bill Haugland."

I had another funny talk with a friend the other day. She was on MSN and was listening to informer by Snow.

Me: "Your MSN name says you were listening to Informer by Snow."
My Friend: "Yeah... It's a good song... I used to date Snow's cousin."

Snow has a cousin? She then went on to explain how she used to see him hanging around with super ghetto people. Anyway, seemed like the setup for a TV show. And then later on everything would all come together.

Jbo hangs up his cell phone
Me: "Who was that?"
Jbo: "That was Vrej and Rez. Their Emu attacked Snow and now they're involved in some kind of gang war. The Emu got shot, but not before giving Snow's bling handler a solid kick to the chest."
Me: "Could they just pay them off with their truffle money?"
Jbo: "No... Bill Haugland ate their pig to get back at them... And all of their truffles."
Me: "Well ain't that some s**t!"

Isolated I suppose these little random events don't seem particularly funny or striking, but I can imagine some omnipotent being, a "God" if you will, looking at all these things at once and marveling at his own brilliance. "Tomorrow I'll give Marie-Eve a larger role. Can anyone say, long lost twin???"

Geek History 101

2006-04-20T14:27:00.000-07:00

For some reason Pearl Harbour came up today. Not the actual battle, but the God awful movie starring Ben Affleck and the cheesenormous star of "Lucky Number Slevin!" There are lots of things that are terrible about that movie, least of which is the fact that it was just a very generic and crappy romance story that could have been set against the backdrop of any historical battle and to call the movie Pearl Harbour is an insult to... pretty much anyone who knows what Pearl Harbour is.

I told the guy who hadn't seen the movie, "Yeah, that movie could have been called D-Day or Bastille Day... or World War I... Or... Ummmm... The Clone Wars." The Clone Wars of course never REALLY hapenned, depending on how you choose to define real. If by real you mean it wasn't a war that took place in a bad movie (Star Wars II) then I guess the Clone Wars never hapenned. I struggled hard to think of more real battles than fictional ones. But I soon realized I can name far more fictional wars than real ones.

The battle on Pelennor fields (Lord of the Rings), the battle for Zion (the Matrix), the battle at Wolf 359 (Where the Federation made their stand against the Borg). Does anyone know how Captain Sisko retook Terok Nor? War of the Lance? Trolloc Wars? Battle of Endor? I could probably name many, many more but this has become embarassing enough.

I guess it's not so bad. I mean so called "real" history just repeats itself anyway, right? It's all about the same thing... Some guys want stuff from the other guys and come up with elaborate and irrational reasons to kill said guys. At least in fictional wars there are monsters, clones, wanton slaughter of Gungans/Ewoks... robots if you're lucky. At the end of the day it's a lot more fun and less emotionally demanding to know about fake wars and you learn just as much. Wars are bad but all nations engage in them. Oh, and the good guys always win, whereby good guys refers to whoever is writing the history books.

Two of a kind

2006-04-11T19:09:00.000-07:00

After asking for an extension on a paper that was due today, I decided it was best to watch some television BEFORE I finished it up. Tuesday is Scrubs night after all. For the last few months I've been spoiled with two episodes of Scrubs per Tuesday night. But this Tuesday NBC decided to slip in their new mid season replacement ironically titled, "Teachers".

Teachers as you might gather is a show about teachers. Teachers doing stuff, like teaching students and competing with other teachers. And every teacher is of course a character. There's a skanky teacher... A bitter teacher... A gay... wierd guy? I don't know. The star of the show is a young optimistic white guy. The only thing the show is lacking is interesting actors with charisma. And jokes, jokes would be good.

I sometimes wonder how these contrived sitcoms get made. Who gets paid to go to a network exec and say, "Let's make a show about Teachers! And we'll call it Teachers!" ??? That's not an idea! That's nothing. How can you just walk down the street, see a certain job and decide to make a show about it.

Coming this Fall on NBC, Accountants!

The Star: "Hello, I'm crazy optimistic accountant! I expected to do something really exciting when I was a kid, like be an astronaught. But now I'm a weary accountant, and though I make a lot of money I feel unsatisfied. Perhaps at some point in the season, my latent optimism will shine through and I'll do something that establishes me as a maverick in my field! Hopefully one day I'll realize being an accountant isn't so bad and I'll find my true love! (see below)"
Co-Star: "I'm crazy Armenian accountant! I'm the wild card on the show, here to tell the precious few funny jokes that the writers may come up with... Or not. Hopefully being an obscure minority is sufficiently funny in and of itself to justify my presence on this show."
Some woman: "I'm crazy skank accountant! I wear short skirts to work, making me a skank by television standards... I'm mostly here to be marginalized."
Some other woman: "I may or may not be the love interest of the Star at some point. I have no personality though sometimes I seem to be jealous of skank accountant."

Then they'll make lame jokes about accounting.

Skanky woman: "I can't find my spreadsheet."
Co-Star: "I think you did enough spreading last night, don't you?!"
Live studio audience: "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!"
Co-Star: "Back in Armenia, we had a name for women like you."
Skanky woman: "What was that?"
Co-Star: "We called them whores!!!!"
Live studio audience: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Me: "This show is NOT funny..." :-(

And of course there would be a black guy. Just like in Teachers. I'm pretty sure the only reason I watched the entire show was because there was 1-3 black guys in it. I like seeing black people on TV and in movies and other things. I appreciate that the media doesn't put us as stereotypes as much. The black guy in Teachers is fairly innocuous. That's good, no? Palmer in 24?? Black president??? REPRESENT!!! Blade is kind of a stereotype, as far as half black guy half vampire guys can be stereotypes.

You know what had a lot of black people in it? The Matrix! I can scarcely remember seeing a trilogy of movies with so many black people that were there for reasons other than just being black. I don't even think they even made any allusions to the fact that the majority of people in Zion were black. You would expect Neo to be unplugged from the Matrix and be all like, "Hey... What's with all the black people?"

I think the most effective integration of black people into a show is as the best friend. Which brings me back to Scrubs. Ah, JD and Turk. Looking at these two who would believe there's racism in the world? There hasn't been such a succesful pairing of a black guy and a white guy since Lenny and Carl. Lando and Han are pretty good super friends too.

You know what I love about black people and white people featured together in shows as best friends? The realism. Jbo and I... Vrej and Levar Burton. Soon, everyone man in the world will be paired up with a man of a different race. By this I mean, a black guy will be paired with a white guy to pose for hilarious pics. It will be like Noah's ark without the pressure of having to repopulate the species. Good times.

Crypto-post

2006-04-03T17:52:00.000-07:00

On one of my usual saunters through blogdom, the type that takes place when I have far more productive things to do, I came across a very interesting post. A friend of mine has a blog and it so happens this person is into something called Yaoi. What's Yaoi you might ask? Well, if you're like me you don't want to know, but I'll tell you anyway! Yaoi is essentially a japanese word for gay anime porn. Some would argue that it's not "porn" per se but that's neither here nor there.

What's interesting is that this media has a fan base. A cult if you will. And like every cult, they have their own language and more often than not, if I go to her site, I don't even know what they're talking about. Generally speaking I can get to the point where I understand they're talking about a book or a movie. Then everything is just a blur.

The point of this story is I came across a very peculiar word. The post said something like, such and such a book is good and there's "crypto-gay" in it. I laughed my ass off. For some reason I find that word very funny. Now from what I can gather, when "yaoi" fangirls read something with "crypto-gay" they're pleased. Cuz it's gay and that's what it's really all about.

The kicker is, when I wrote a message asking what cryto-gay was, not only did I not receive an answer, but my friend deleted my message, as if saying crypto-gay in vain was some kind of sin. So, to my yaoi loving friends (My friend who used the word on her site or Droopy now's your chance to come out) if you do know what crypto-gay is, please tell me. I won't judge. I will not however type in a google search to find out what it is for fear that I will get Amish levels of vile pornography on my screen. Now I can only speculate as to what it refers to exactly. It must be pretty harsh if it was improper for me to even ask!

Crypto-gay - The act of having carnal relations with ostriches.

or

Crypto-gay - The act of pleasuring yourself while your dizz is cryogenically frozen.

or

Crypto-gay - Pornography featuring conjoint twins with three breasts in various lewd acts with all kinds of marsupials that are still lactating then they #@%@#$@ right up the @#@#**^%$^$ until it falls off and the resulting secretions create an adhesive that has a taste reminiscent of maple syrup.

My grandmother used to say every folly is a fashion. She was referring to clothing but I think the same thing applies to hobbies. Almost any random association of words has a cult following these days. Mo's site has those guys who come together to make love to little boys. Necrophilliacs have a group. Where does it end? MWLR (Men Who Love Robots). TSA (Turtle sodomizers anonymous). In that light I suppose Yaoi seems tame. But who am I to judge right? Everyone should like what they gotta like! Gay things, people having sex with squids while basting themselves in yoghurt! Whatever.... It's 2006, baby! If I can't keep an open mind in this day and age...

Meanwhilst, I will add the word cryto in front of everything cuz that's how I roll. Today I called Simon a crypto-sexual, several times. Perhaps at some point I'll say Jon's a crypto-maniac. Crypto-gay! Can you believe it?

Matrix-ology

2006-03-29T17:45:00.000-08:00

Strangely enough, twice this week people have asked me what scientology is. And quite frankly I really didn't know what they believed in aside from some of Tom Cruises insane rantings. Then lo and behold, this morning on MSN was a brief article describing some of the basics of scientology (sadly I didn't save the link and can't find it now).

For the most part Scientology seems like a cool religion. Man is a spirit and should be cool to one another. Somewhere on their website they talk about the evolution of different faiths and philosophies and they kind of present scientology as the culmination of all of those ideas. Which in and of itself is interesting.

Then all of a sudden, oops! you realize that they believe in aliens and stuff. They believe 75 million years ago, the ruler of the Galactic Confederacy, a dude named Xenu, brought billions of people to earth, placed them near volcanoes and blew them up! With Hydrogen bombs (apparently realizing volcanoes were too slow). They believe that the spirits of these 'sploded human beings cause humanity problems today.

Now like all people I like to keep an open mind about things and feel that I'm accepting of everyone's beliefs yadda yadda yadda... But as someone who's very interested in spirituality and philosophy and a man who's been raised in a Christian family, the incidence of Scientology does raise a lot of questions.

I think when it comes to spirituality the world can be divided in the following way. There's hardcore believers, who blindly do whatever they're told by religious leaders. Then you have people who practice the faith, but are very conservative when they speak about their faith or practice anything that may or may not fall in line with the thinking of the majority. Then you have your skeptics who simply refuse to believe anything that doesn't slap them right in the face. And finally you have people who are beyond skeptical but are actually threatenned by any idea that can't be explained by science and get ornery and uncomfortable if you even mention anything spiritual. And of course, there are the rare people (I've met some) who seem to be genuinely enlightenned and know there is a God because through life experience they have been made to understand a truth that can't be learned from a book or someone telling you.

I think I fall in a gray area that a lot of people do now which is a kind of flaky acknowledgment of the truth of spirituality without any serious commitment or devotion. But I am trying to find a path! I am trying to learn more and more about Christianity and I find the path very rewarding at times.

That said, I'm also very interested in the Matrix. I want that to be my religion so I can run up walls and fly and stuff. For the past 2-3 weeks I have been completely obsessed with everything having to do with the Matrix after watching a documentary that lays out all the philosophy behind the series for you in plain English. I learned a lot. Not to say that the movies were fantastic, but I think the THRILLOGY is jam packed with some ideas, basically rehashed philosophical ideas from thousands of years ago until now. This stuff interests me, I'm a geek. And for some reason I think the Wachowski brothers are geniuses for putting together all these ideas in some cool movies/video games/cartoons.

But above all what's impressive, is people's ability to make money off of ANYTHING! Philosophy isn't really something new, congrats on the Wachowskis for finding a way to make these old ideas lucrative by attaching Kung Fu to it.

Enter Scientology... Xenu, the ruler of the Galactic Confederacy brought billions of humans to earth and blew them up using Hydrogen Bombs??? That's not even a good sci-fi story! And yes, there are hydrogen bombs in that story, but where's the Kung Fu at??? Serious lack of effort there.

And I think at that point it becomes obvious why there are so many skeptics out there when it comes to spirituality. Spirituality is fascinating stuff if you actually study it and try and listen to new ideas critically. But it seems these days that all religions, from Christianity to Scientology have become franchises, each with their own gimmick and somewhere at the top of the ladder is some greedy jerk looking to make a few bucks off of it. I love what they're teaching, but it puts a damper on things to see the hypocrasy present in these institutions. Bush uses Christianity as an excuse to murder people. If you go to the Scientology website you'll see they're selling lots of things. One impression you get is that they're running a business, some kind of self help deal.

It's a shame that something as important as spirituality often reaches us after being tainted by corrupt "teachers"/salespeople. Usually when people say they don't go to church, the first thing they say is, "Oh, why bother going to church? You only see the same hypocrites in there that you see everyday on the streets!" Which is true. Of course the Pastor I listen to on Sunday mornings says, that that is exactly the point of Christianity. A gathering of people who need, and want to be shown a better way to live.

But the feeling is the same. Dissapointment. Deep down inside I've always felt that there was something spiritual about the universe. Maybe ... some kind of ... spirit? I don't know.. As Morpheus from the Matrix said, "You're not sure what it is, but you're always aware of it. Like a splinter in your mind!" The problem is, and I don't think this is something that is unique to me, is when you get dissapointed by the people who are supposed to be observing spiritual beliefs, or you get dissapointed by life and hence God, it becomes a reason to not care about these things anymore.

Good? Bad? As Morpheus says, "There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path." In other words, things happen to us that make us believe or not believe in God but whatever we believe at any given time is part of the path that God has set out for us anyway. So it's all good.

And as Neo said, "I know Kung Fu..."

And isn't that what really matters in the end??

I know I come off as kind of a liberal, wishy washy, kind of guy... But science has done it to me. I believe that no matter what business you're in, the key is to tell a good story. All of these religions are based on stories. People then listen to these stories and decide whether or not they're interesting and whether or not they want to learn more about it and ultimately whether they choose to believe it. A good sci-fi story can be approached in much the same way, (minuse the believing part, though one may argue that there is a kind of truth in fiction when it comes to character psychology). Science is not different. A scientist makes an observation, proposes a model to explain the observation and then people decide whether or not it is true or false. I think learning about any of these three things in a critical manner is beneficial and exciting. Then again I'm a nerd. Live long and prosper suckers!

This one has Oscar Buzz

2006-03-17T20:45:00.000-08:00

Long ago, Milen and I were having a conversation about Samuel L. Jackson. I thought he was the most amazing human being on the planet. Milen disagreed. After perusing Sam Jack's filmography he came across a project due to drop this August. The movie is the ironically titled thriller Snakes on a Plane. (SOAP). Most of us know that the movie is ACTUALLY about snakes on a plane. An assassin decides the best way to murder his quarry is to unleash a crateful of snakes onto the plane. A WHOLE CRATEFUL! Most of us probably even know that Samuel L. Jackson threatenned to not do the movie if they dared to change the title.

This discovery was made sometime last October I think? And I told myself, as I told Milen, one day in the not so distant future I'll see the trailer to this and soil my goddamn pants with laughter. That day has come.

http://www.tagworld.com/snakesonaplane

Pants soiled! I couldn't have imagined it being any more perfect than that. Is this possible? I can't believe what my brain is telling me. He's shooting the snakes? There are people screaming as snakes emerge from every nook and cranny... on the plane? Different kinds of snakes??? Coming out of a woman's cleavage??? CGI rattle snakes, coral snakes, adders....??? CGI cobras??? SAMUEL L. JACKSON BEATING PEOPLE WITH SAID SNAKES????? SNAKES ON A PLANE!?!? AN AEREOPLANE??? OH SMEG, WHAT THE SMEGGING SMEG HAVE THEY SMEGGING DONE????

Someone made money for this? Did they just pic random words out of a dictionary? I can do that... Let me do it now... Razor back Ghosts... There.... Again. Sacerdotal-Facelift! Ingenious-Quean! Starring Raquel Welsh as the Ingenious Quean.

At this point it's over for movies. Not only should Samuel L. Jackson retire, movies should retire. The entire industry. This is just too insulting. They're not even going to try anymore? They just...Snakes on a Plane? Snakes are already very misunderstood creatures. This movie is racist against snakes.

My dad has a strong dislike of snakes. There's a story back in the day when we found a snake with orange stripes on its back crawling through the grass. Me, being a 10 year old biologist said, "Reptiles with bright colors are usually poisonous!!" My dad generally doesn't take anything I say seriously, but he wasn't about to take any chances. My dad attacked it with a broom stick. The snake slithered into a little hole next to the wall. "Let me get my CRAZY ass outta here!"

My dad wouldn't let the villain get away that easily. My sisters and I all gathered around the hole and watched in tense wonder as he poured bleach down the hole, hoping to fumigate it out. The snake didn't come out so he poured gasoline down there. The snake still didn't come out. So my dad lit that sumbitch on fire. The snake shoots out of the hole probably wondering, "What the f**k did I do to deserve this sh*t?!" And as a grand finale, my dad takes a broomstick, and with the accuracy of Donatello the Ninja turtle, smashes the thing's head repeatedly. Fatality. It kind of makes you wonder what it's all for? I mean, does a snake have a sense of justice? Does it have a soul, isn't going anywhere after being so unfairly murdered?

Anyway, we then put the snake in a jar and for some reason brought it to the SPCA. It was a family outing we all went wondering what terrible wonders they would tell us about the beast my dad had slain. The hemp wearing hippy at the counter looked from the ravaged corpse to my dad with true disgust. His words were something like, "What did you do this for???" Disdain flashed in his eyes as he handed us back the jar and watched us leave in shame. Not a proud moment for the Gregg Family. HOWEVER, I'm certain that story is far more layered than SOAP will be. I think I should write the screenplay for that snippet of my life. Snake under the Hizzouse.

There's nothing more I can say that hasn't already been said about this movie and the idea of putting Paula Abdul on television. It's ridiculous, random and upsetting.

Regardless I will go see it in the theatre when it comes out in August. I can't wait to see it... Talk about it at length. I want to BE this movie.

Kenny says:
I Chu Chu choose this movie...

***FUN FACTOID!!!*** There's a theory that people have phobias of things like snakes and spiders because back when we were cavemen, we needed a hardwired instinct to deter us from approaching these creatures because being macho, we would attack the puny things and then be injected with their deadly, deadly venom.

Commitment-ophobe

2006-03-14T15:34:00.000-08:00

I have only seen 1 season of the hit TV series 24. That was the first season and it was as excellent as people said it was. I was knocking back about 3 episodes a sitting and enjoying every moment of it. After season 1 however, I stopped watching. There came a point where I fell so far behind, it became overwhelming to even think about catching up. I considered just jumping on the bandwagon this season but Droopy forbid it! Far be it from me to dispute the man.

But I feel somewhat ostracized from a large part of the world by missing the show. The most interesting phenomenon is watching the list of people on MSN on Monday night. By 8pm the MSN names already begin to change as people anticipate one of several airings of the show. They range from innocuous MSN handles like, "Vrej-Watching 24 (away)". The assumptions here being 1) People need to know what droopy is up to for every minute of the night 2) They really care that it says "away" next to his name and he won't be bothered several times for the evening 3) We don't realize that the distance between his computer and his television is about 5-8 feet and he is not even remotely away from his computer. I would be surprised if he wasn't straddling the tower and using his DVD burner as a cup holder while watching the show.

The names get slightly more fanatical. Names like, "ranma 1 1/2 - 24 is SICK!! OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!" or "Milen-I'm not gay, but sometimes when I see Jack Bauer, I wish I was." Then you have people who deliberately ruin the show by making the climax of the show their MSN handle "Amish- Nina's back???" :-o

I want so badly to be a part of it all. My msn name would be "MastaCSG- 24 is so good I have a MASSIVE erection now (away)". When I listen to conversations about 24 I feel like I'm from another planet. People talk about it likes its real. "That's why they had to bring back Palmer last season! The current president wasn't as competent!"

Current... prez?

The good news is I can piece together information about the show from the MSN handles. I'm like some kind of anthropologist finding clues about some ancient civilization. The bad news is ultimately I will forever be excluded from the world of 24 no matter how much I try to catch up.

You know what the problem is? Shows nowadays require too much commitment. 24 is 1-2 hours a week of commitment! This scares me. The only shows I make it a point to watch every week are Scrubs and the Office. A nice quick laugh, half an hour commitment and if I don't feel like watching it one week it's no problem. I won't be lost the following week. Like a one night stand.

It's not like there's much to watch these days anyway. All good shows with the exception of 24 are provided to me by Droopy and other benefactors. Otherwise I stumble on some odd stuff. I found myself enthralled by Sabrina the Teenage Witch again last week. YOu know what I love about that show? The realism... Last week she went to some place called the pleasure dome to escape reality. Wouldn't we all like a little escape from reality? I think so. They put some thought into it too. That talking cat, Salem? Do you know his story? He was turned into a cat because as a witch he tried to take over the world. That shows creativity. I like.

Every now and then I find myself watching a kids show called Lazy Town in the morning. This show my friends, is very, very, very.... very... good. It's about all these freaking puppets and they live in a place called lazy town. And there's this guy with a moustache who lives in a dirgible (He LIVES in a freaking Dirgible!) and he comes down to teach them things about being active and stuff. He's also kind of a super hero. The people of Lazy Town are idiots and they're always falling out trees and stuff and he has to come to their rescue. And there's a also a villain who's really lazy and sets a bad example for the people of lazy town by being lazy. Sometimes sabotages their harmless projects. For example, if there's a dance competition, he'll try and screw it up! Cuz he's a jerk!

The irony of me watching Lazy Town is that it comes on before I'm supposed to go to work and I know damn well if I turn it on, I'll miss my bus as much as I tell myself I'll turn it off at 10 minutes to 9. Lazy Town, I wish I knew how to quit you!

And hey, if I choose not to watch Lazy Town for weeks at a time, I can still turn it on one morning and be up to speed!

Happy International X-day Awareness Month!!

2006-03-08T18:32:00.000-08:00

Did you know that March 8th is Women's day? International Women's day no less! I found out today during an interesting exchange with a co-worker. Apparently in some country they get gifts for this.

Co-worker: Did you know today is international women's day? Back in my home country we get gifts and don't work for the day!!
Me: Really??? Why don't you celebrate by making me a samich, woman!?!

SLAP!!!

I was talking to a dude I know and he said he should buy his mom something for Women's day. Isn't that what Mother's day is for? And Mom's birthday? And Christmas?? I mean for crying out loud, can I go through one week without buying someone a gift? What if this international women's day thing catches on? I'll be screwed. Everyone with their birthdays and their Xmas and their cot-tanged Mother's day, Father's day...

Everyone's trying to dip into my pockets! It wouldn't be so bad if it was just a gift, but having just recovered from Christmas I feel slightly shell-shocked. You know what really bothers me about Christmas? Wrapping paper. I'd love to travel back in time and shake hands with the psychotic genius who decided that gifts, as expensive as they are needed to be wrapped in paper, a dwindling resource, something we spend a great amount of effort trying to recycle; Charging good money, for something that exists simply to be discarded! That's a true sign of a wealthy society I think. And don't get me started on greeting cards. Is it just me or have cards become less clever and more expensive? Where my dawgs at on that one?

"Happy Birthday, Bro!" Open the card up, "I hope you get a naked lady and/or some beer or something! HAHAHA!" 5.80$ US

or

"Look, I'm a goddamn dog!!! Maybe I'm surprised or confused..." open the card "Happy Birthday!" 8.50$ US

or the most brilliant, "I'm a frightenned cat" open the card, "You're how old?" 9.45$ US

Then I think to myself, black history month just passed. I didn't get s**t! I think it's time to start commercializing Black History Month. Create some kind of scam where all non-blacks have to buy things and treat their black friends. And I want our gifts to be wrapped in aluminum foil, just because it's expensive. And hell, since the Queen of England stole the biggest diamond in the world from Africa and put it in her scepter just to add insult to injury, I say the traditional gift for black people during black history month should be a diamond, diamond related or encrusted with diamonds.

Imagine the obnoxious greeting cards for that? All the racist things that white people tell me on a daily basis anyway, in card form! "Hey, when we heard you were black we knew we had to get you something!" open the card, "Fried Chicken and/or watermelon! Cuz you're black! And we're idiots! HAHAHAHA!" 11.50$ US.

or

"It's black history month, so we thought we'd take the opportunity to call you the n-word!" open the card, "You're Nice!(with hearts all around) *in small print* what did you think we were going to call you? HAHAHA!" 12.50$ US.

And so forth for all 28 days of February.

Furthermore Black History Month should be moved to July which has 31 warm days and no snow! We're not physically adapted to cold, putting Black History Month in February is more racist than not having a Black History Month at all!

Invigilators and Cyborg Dictatorships

2006-03-01T18:00:00.000-08:00

Today was the first time I've invigilated an exam. It's a pretty ridiculous position actually. I just stood there for the most part looking bad ass. Every now and then a student would raise there head and I would make obnoxious gestures. An hour and a half well wasted. At the end of it all some dumbass runs up and says, "I filled my scantron sheet in with pen!"

:-o

Good move, Starr! You're sick! Am I to believe he's gone through all this schooling and a semester of university and he's never used scantron before? Am I to believe he's never been told only number 2 pencils work on these things? Is he deaf, did he not hear the teacher repeatedly say to use pencil? Is he blind??? Did he not read the instructions??? And why did he seem to figure out something was wrong at the very last second? WTF???

That was interesting. But what struck me most during this whole thing was the t-shirts one of the girls was wearing. The T-shirt said, "Trust me, I'm a virgin!" I've never been so baffled by a piece of clothing. What am I supposed to think about this girl? Is the shirt being sarcastic? It was all written in cutesy letters too. I don't know anymore. Maybe I'm out of touch, but this new fad of women's t-shirts with slutty slogans on it blows my mind.

I really need to understand what it is that girls are expecting when they wear clothes with slogans like, "Super Bitch!" and "Lil' skank!" and so forth. Am I supposed to have mad respect that they have the confidence to advertise their personality disorders and loose morals? Cuz the girl wasn't really that hot and her sex life may have been the furthest thing from my mind if not for that shirt. But the question is, is she easy? If you wear such a shirt can I just approach you for intimate relations? I find it far more acceptable to dress in revealing clothes and leave some doubt in our minds. "Maybe she's just comfortable!" And at least we get some eye candy. But give me more than, "I'm easy." Written in goofy letters.

I tell you, if ever have a daughter and catch her wearing such things I will be a total tyrant about it!! "What the hell are you wearing? I'm a 16 year old whore?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She'll be off to an all girls school immediately.

I yearn for the day when some megalomaniac decides to take over the world and put an end to this freedom of speech nonsense. Sure we have freedom of speech. Look what we do with it? No one has anything to say anyway.

Some slutty 17 year old: I'm a slut!
Me: Good for you! Child labourers earned 0.001 cent so you could wear that shirt and then went to whore themselves in the streets so they wouldn't starve to death. What do you have to say about that? Grow up, get some perspective on life for Christ's sakes!
Then I'd smack her on the ass, tweek her nipples and storm out of there hoping to find a woman with some class. ***SMACK'D!!!*** ***TWEEk'd!!!*** "Quest-ce que c'est???"

What we need is some kind of non-bias machine to govern us. There's this game I love called Deus-Ex which is based on the premise that the only perfect government would be one run by a machine. Naturally in the game it didn't work out so well. For some reason the gov't program escaped into the internet, joined up with another program and was downloaded by a megalomaniac who took control of all the machines on earth. Or something... Cool game...

Yeah... Cyborg governments... And slutty girls... I dont' know what my issue is really. Is it this cutesy spin they put on sluttiness I don't like? Is it the idea of non-hot women trying to get attention? I check out girls in revealing clothing on occasion. I don't think it's a sin. And I think women should be able to wear whatever they want. But only if they're good looking. So maybe that's my problem.

No, I know what bothers me. It's the fact that the same women who are soo skanky accuse guys of being perverts for staring at them. Go to hi5.com. There are half naked women there who say their pet peeve is perverted guys! Do they mean, perverted guys or human guys? Button up and guys won't stare at you in the same way. I know pretty girls who can do more for me with one raised eyebrow than if they shed all of their garments! I'm just confused that's all! I don't know what to think anymore!!! I don't think any girl likes being thought of as a slut, so why dress as a slut?

Lab Tales part 6 - Thought provoking conversations

2006-02-17T18:24:00.000-08:00

Talking in the lab today I wondered to myself if just putting a hidden camera or would yield some kind of interesting reality television. Sometimes in the heat of a conversation it's not obvious how absurd it sounds. But sometimes I stop to listen.

The first thing I noticed was everyone in our lab is completely deaf. To the point where everyone is just saying, "What? Huh?" It's ridiculous. Like Dave Chapelle's Little John sketch. "WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT??.... WHAT??? ookAAAYYYYYYY!!!" You end up repeating things that really don't need repeating.

Me (burning myself on the bunsen burner): "OW!"
Lab guy: "What?"
Me: "I said ow!!!"
Lab guy: "I can't hear you!"
Me: "Nevermind."
Lab guy: "No, tell me what is it?"
Me: "I said OW!!! It's a verbal expression of pain! OW!! I burned myself, you idiot!"
Lab guy:" .... "
Me: "...."
Lab guy (scratches himself): "...."
Me: "...."
Lab guy: "WHAT?"

or

Me: "I know the theme song to the old Spider-man cartoon by heart."
Lab guy: "What? Spider-man is Italian?"

I also noticed a tendency for all of us to get very defensive for no reason.

Lab guy 1: "I think you're a filthy swine! Which is ironic because you're jewish and therefore cannot eat swine!"
Lab guy 2 (offended): "Wait a minute... did you just call me... Inedible?"

And then of course there's just straight up profanity for its own sake.

Lab guy: "What's this on my cereal?"
Me: "I'll give you a hint... It's semen. My semen! I'm a serial rapist."

Get it? Serial rapist? Cereal rape? It's funny cuz there's semen on the cereal. Bah, what know you for funny!? Anyway, thought you enjoyed this page from the life of me. Don't ask me how these exchanges get started... One day I should really bring some kind of tape recorder to the lab.

Calling black people Ni**az, that's so necessary!! Using stars for the G's, that's so necessary!!! Being rude and offensive? Is that necessary?

2006-02-12T10:25:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a long post, sorry Amish. But I think this is one of the funniest things I've seen in my life.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/nword.html

This is simply the most amazing white guy ever. Not only does he have the balls to call one of his students the n-word, but in his defense, he draws up a little diagram showing us why he didn't think he was offending anyone. I'm still laughing now at him saying, "I even add the H at the end, to emphasize the AAAAAHHHH!!! Niggaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!"

So cencorship is a really big deal these days. Most of you probably heard that a group of Muslims have engaged in violent protest in response to the publication of a cartoon depicting Mohammad wearing a bomb shaped like a turban (or something ridiculous like that). This is obviously offensive, not only becuase of the deeply prejudice undertones of the remark but also because it is a violation of Islamic law to depict Mohammad in any way.

Now I think the big problem here (besides the violence of the protests), is the stubborness of people when it comes to making viciously prejudiced comments. No one wants to just pretend they're not racist anymore and apologize and let that be the end of it. No, people become very arrogant these days and angry. Instead of apologizing, they'll hide behind this idea of "freedom of speech."

I heard an interview on Global recently where a journalist insisted that the cartoon be RE-PULBISHED in a Canadian journal despite the fact that it was offensive to Muslims. Something about this guy was so indignant that you get the impression he doesn't want to republish the offensive cartoon despite the fact that it was insulting, but rather BECAUSE it was insulting. The attitude nowadays is, "How dare someone tell me not to offend someone? It's my right!"

And so it is. Unless of course you're a rapper like 50 cent. 50 cent, as you all know was shot 9 times. He grew up "in the ghetto" meaning he suffered a very difficult life with crime and drugs and gun related violence. The problem is, when he raps about it, people do censor him. They banned a poster of him holding a baby and a gun. They tried to prevent him from entering Canada. We can glorify movies like Scarface and disgustingly violent movies by Quentin Tarantino but when it comes to black people and guns, it seems freedom of speech isn't so appealing. I still haven't seen the poster!!

What's so amazing about this phenomenon is that 50 Cent is actually rapping about his life. He's actually been shot! If anyone should have the right to feature violence in their art it's him. I think rap music is the most misunderstood art form in the world. Whites and even older black people are always trying to say it promotes the use of drugs and violence. If you listen to (good) rap music you'll realize it's just telling a story about people who are angry at being a lower class. They tell stories about their difficult life which invariably includes drug dealing and violence. I think these are important stories that should be told.

I find these days there are fewer advocates for the freedom of speech of minorities and an increasing number of advocates for the freedom of speech of racists. I find often times family guy really pushes it with some of their humor but too bad for me! If I'm offended by something, I'll just have to take it! Though I would very much like to see the poster with 50 cent holding a gun and a baby. I think that would be phat.

Now as a black guy who knows lots of non-black people, I think I've seen the evolution of racism to an overtly hostile tool of oppression, to a more insidious, subtle monster that people wear passive-aggressively. I've been called the n-word many times throughout my life. It's always done in a way that's almost a test. Like people will open with it to try and surprise me.

"What's up Ni**ah?!"
Me: "Uh... Hello?"

And I just don't know what to say. On one level, I feel I should say something because most black people seemed to have reached a concensus that the n-word is a bad thing for non-black people to say. This is something I understand because obviously it's been used in the past and is still used as something to denigrate(what's the root word of the word denigrate?) black people. On the other hand I'm not offended because I know often times it's not said to offend. The n-word is addictive. Sometimes I just want to let loose and say the N-word all day long. I blame Dave Chappelle for this. Since his show became popular I've been called the N-word twice as much in my life than ever before. All in joke of course.

I imagine it must be hard for non-blacks not to use the word. I can imagine being a white guy watching this sketch and just bursting at the seams wanting to say it so badly. Once upon a time people would curb this urge. Now, it seems the urge is impossible to resist. Look at the teacher in the link above. He doesn't sound like he really wanted to offend the black guy. It sounds like he just wanted to use the word. He was desperate to use it. He can't stop talking about the word, the sound of it, the use of it. He even says, "I'm cured of this.... Niggah... Niggah this...Niggah Please! Can you lend a Niggah a pencil!?! I will never use any form of (demonstrates his drawing of the word nigger and nigga) NIGGAH! Ever again!!!"

He doesn't sound cured. He sounds addicted!!! It's hilarious. He couldn't stop saying it.

I wonder to myself if maybe all white people feel this way. A yearning to use the word Niggah. In my heart of hearts I feel they shouldn't but I also know that lots of my white and non-black friends are like a kettle that's been plugged up and is about to explode. It doesnt' help when us black people rub it in others faces and use it profusely in our music, our humour and yes our blogs. Now that Dave Chappelle is rich he decided to say on the Oprah Winfrey show that some of his skits maybe irresponsible when racist people take them out of context. Much like rap music. Should black people censor themselves too? I mean... Poor Jbo... I see the pain on his face when he's trying to discuss Dave Chapelle with me.

Jbo: "Have you seen the sketch? The ... ummm... Negro family? Can I say negro?"
Me: "Ummm... I dont' know..."

Maybe there should be one day a year put aside for people to use the word niggah, nigger whatever they want all day without any consequences. Just so everyone can get it out of their system.

Eric Brosseau: "Hey Niggah, can I borrow a pencil?"
Mike Tyson grudgingly passes over the pencil.
Eric Brosseau: "This pencil isn't sharp, Niggah! Sharpen this s**t you big black ni**ah!!!"
Mike Tyson trembling with rage, sharpens the pencil and hands it back
Eric Brosseau: "That's right. So you want to go to lunch or something, Ni**ah?"
Mike Tyson: "I hate n-word day. I want to eat its children." :-(

I dont' know. Yeah, it's just a word, yeah it's just a cartoon, but if it offends people, why not just not use it? I'm especially surprised when someone says something really racist, then claims they're not racist they were only joking. In reality everyone involved in the joke knows how offensive it was but it's said anyway. Why? Is the joke that important?

I think the fact that people get so offended they are attacked for saying or doing something really racist is because deep down inside they know they do have racist tendencies and somehow feel justified when they blatantly insult someone. Maybe it's just natural. But if everyone's racist deep down inside then the problem isn't a lack of cencorship but a lack of understanding of one another. Or maybe it's just natural to be prejudice. Beneath all the fake smiles, there are people who deeply resent diversity. In which case things will probably get worse before they get better, resulting in an all out race war!!! All the colors of the rainbow battling it out for supreme rulership of the earth!!

Which brings us back to freedom of speech. In the wrong hands it can be deadly. I wouldn't mind the word nigger, if I didn't think that there are many, many people in the world who are very, very racist. But there is racism in the world. Montreal is forever getting warnings from the UN for brutality against blacks. Blacks are still having trouble getting high level jobs and are still stereotyped as being criminals and drug dealers etc, even honor students like the guy in the news story I linked. I don't think using derogatory words really helps the situation. So next time you get the urge, just don't call us niggers. It would be greatly appreciated.

A little cartoon has caused so many bad feelings. But I think if the Islamic community had just let it slide things could have been worse. Let's not forget in the last century there was propaganda that illustrated black people as apes and jewish people as rats. If we have free speech, should we allow these images to be portrayed in the media? Where do we draw the line?

Anyway, props to Jenn for sending me the link and thanks to Tony for pointing out the teacher looks like Ned Flanders. That would make an awesome Simpsons episode, "Flanders uses the N-Word."

Orange you glad you didn't watch the Grammys?

2006-02-08T19:25:00.000-08:00

There's something very relaxing about living alone. For some reason I wanted to eat an orange. It doesn't seem like something you should eat at night, so I was pleased at myself for being so edgy and extreme. Anyway, before orange eating I was reminded by Vrej that the Grammy's were on. He expressed feelings that he was superior to the entire concept of the Grammys and I was hard pressed to argue with him.

At this point my plans for the evening were to watch the Grammys while eating an orange. I spoke to Janine and confided my plans to her. She likewise seemed to feel she was better than the Grammys and was not impressed that I was going to watch.

One of the first things I saw was Mariah Carrey's performance. The chubby "diva" comes on stage with too much cleavage as usual and was singing some kind of gospel song. You know, she's not a horrible performer, but I find she's not hot enough. And somehow I always felt it was wrong to sing praises to God while being dressed like a skank. I can just imagine God looking down from heaven right down her dress and being not too impressed. "Why did I make this woman skanky AND fat?" Then as a final slap in the face, God has to watch as the walls behind Mariah Carrey open and a Gospel choir "takes us home" with an inspirational hook. Gospel; meaning good news... The good news is, when they bust out the choir, it means the song is almost over!

Teri Hatcher and Michael Buble come on stage. Lathspel I name them! Teri Hatcher says, "Wow, after Mariah's performance I feel like I've been saved... or something." I was lying on the couch all by myself with orange peels in the bowl in front of me and I told Teri Hatcher to "Shut the f**k up!" I actually swore! All by myself like some kind of crazy person I cursed at the television.

Then they were presenting an award in some category that I can't remember. Anyway, they had nuff contemptible female artists. What category is so loathesome that the nominees are Gwen Stefani, Mariah Carrey, Ciara and Missy Elliot and some girl who's name I can't remember. "And the winner of the most offensive female media personality is... SOME WOMAN WHO'S NAME I FORGET!!!" (Mandy Moore? I really forget). She gave a very annoying acceptance speech.

Jay-Z and Linkin Park won an award. When the Linkin Park guy was done thanking people he offered the mic up to Jay-Z. Now this was strange. Jay-Z simply declined speaking. As if he really had nothing to say to the collective scum who had gathered to give him an award.

Then there was the usual Grammy dealy where they put a rapper together with some old white guy. This year featured Paul McArtney and Jay-Z. Wow! It was a tribute to something. I don't remember what exactly. It could have been a tribute to Jbo's blog for all I know. They sang the Linkin Park/Jay-Z song and a Beatle's song.

But what the heck! Seeing a white guy and a black guy butchering a song together... It almost makes you forget that there's racism in the world. Very positive stuff. Speaking of forgetting, do people forget how to sing when they're on the Grammys? Paul McArtney's voice sounded terrible and so did Ciara's. But at least what Ciara lacks in talent she makes up for in hotness. What does Paul have? No street cred, no stage presence. He said something like, "I've never done the Grammys before. So I'd like to rock a bit... I'd like to rock a bit... NOW!!!"

:-o

????

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Why just a bit? Does he know that's all I could stomach.

This was Paul's chance to say something. He's getting on in years and his opportunities to speak on stage will become fewer and fewer. If I was him I'd say something really shocking. "F**K YOU GRAMMYS!!! I HATE YOU ALL! NONE OF YOU IDIOTS HAS ANY TALENT!! AND NEITHER DO I!!!" *drops the mic, grabs his nuts and storms off*

I'd say it's also an opportunity for God to make his presenece felt. With all these simpletons thanking him, after they're singing about doing drugs and being materialistic sinners he should do something really cool. I know if I were God, sitting up in heaven staring down Mariah's dress I'd patiently wait for her to hit one of those high notes that peels the linoleum right off your kitchen floor. And just as that happens I'd make a swarm of locusts erupt from her cleavage. 1000 locusts for every person present. And they'd carry off Gwen Stefani and her Japanese entourage, dropping them into the pacific ocean to be consumed by sharks. The locusts would then proceed to eat everyone else, leaving behind Stevie Wonder, Steve Tyler and a few other select cool people. Maybe Common.

Who's responsible for the Grammys anyway? What's up with award shows? People with money arbitrarily decide to start doling out awards. I mean, they gave a lifetime achievement award to Richard Pryor. I love Richard Pryor but, he's not a musician. How can they just decide that they're good enough to send props to him in the afterlife? And what could be more subjective than music? You have Gwen Stefani in a category with U2, Kanye West and Paul Mcartney for best album???

AND!!! Why does it seem like they segregate everyone in the auditorium? Bono's sitting right behind Paul McArtney, he has to walk all the way over to black people land to give Kanye West props??? This sounds racist.

I think I'm getting old and angry. Even the commercials made me upset. I hate the commercial with Jessica Simpson and the pizza poppers. Where she sings... Then Queen Latifah's voice can be heard saying, "Pizza is good!" Then Kermitt the Frog and Miss Piggy are there for some reason??? AAACH!!! I'm getting real tired of this garbage. Grammys. Exploitation of muppets by Jessica Simpsons. Exploitation of Japanese women by Gwen Stefani. The world is so wrong.

In summary, Grammy awards this year, barely rivals Folies at Centennial High. Vrej and Janine... You are both better than the Grammys. (Christina Aguilera is also better than the Grammys she did a really nice number with a jazz musician. I'm sorry she gets lumped together with other pop scum. She has talent and potential. I'm sure some other people are better than the Grammys too but I didnt' see them.)

I'm quite the fool

2006-02-06T15:32:00.000-08:00

It was brought to my attention that they have empregnated a man!

http://www.malepregnancy.com/

At first I thought it was some kind of hoax, but this guy Mr. Lee has actually been empregnated and is with child. At least the site says it's true. They wouldn't lie on the internet would they? They even say he might be able to breast feed the child when it's over.

I like the comments that people have. Especially the woman who's appalled: "You motha f**kas need Jesus!"

My opinion? When are they going to cure cancer? When will they cure aids? I mean, was male pregnancy in such demand that some scientists are spending time and money to make it happen? As a biologist I'm totally shocked. Last time I ever considered the idea of a man becoming pregnant was the TERRIBLE movie with Arnold Shwarznegger and Danny Devito, Junior. I think the same thing now as I did then; WTF???

Furthermore I don't even like having it as an option. If some woman asks me to carry a child it's over. I don't care if we're married, career.. nothing... Immediate divorce if the subject even comes up. All these scientists have done is given couples another thing to argue about.

Man: "I dont' want to be pregnant!"
Woman: "But my career! You're so selfish!"
Man: "Making babies should be your career."

I will NEVER be pregnant. I think that's a realistic thing for me to strive toward.

And what's up with the men who want to be pregnant? There are men out there who actually want to defy nature and carry a child? One guy has actually said "I've dreamed of this all my life!!" How... How does such a thought even enter your mind. How do you approach your wife about something like that?

Simon: Dear... I'd like to carry our child.
Linda: Ummm... are you gay?
Simon: No, I just think I'd like the experience of carrying a child for nine months and nurturing it, breast feeding it... etc...
Linda: So you're gay.
Simon: Just because I wish I had a vagina doesn't make me gay.

How will a woman look at their husband while he's pregnant? What about the child? How would I look at a male friend who's gotten knocked up.

Me: "Oh, looks like you're losing at Halo 5 again!"
Vrej: "The baby's kicking!"
Me: "Stop being a little pussy! OOOOH SNAP!!! KILLING SPREE BIATCH!!!"
Vrej: "I think my water just broke!"
Me: "Shut up and pick up your joystick! Ewwww... my couch!!!"
Vrej: "Have some compassion! The moment I was knocked up my wife left me!"

The whole thing makes me shudder. Dear God...

Addendum

I've been told by my friend Jenn that I'm a fool for believing this. I'm so embarassed. If you look at the site they've also claimed to have made nanites and accomplished a head transplant. I'm supposed to be getting a phd in biology in a few years. Shame on me.